Hullu

This is my first post here. I'm a 65 year old man.

I apologize for it being so long, but I hope by being completely open, maybe I can get some good suggestions.

About six years ago I became completely overwhelmed with issues where I had no control, in my private life and at my job. I was surrounded by maimings, deaths, relatives with terminal illnesses, the care of two other elderly relatives, the probable taking of our farm by eminent domain -- plus the sale, complete reorganization, and geographic relocation of my job.

My job was already very stressful, but it became even more so with extreme cuts. It became more morbid. And, all the changes led to extremely long days because my new boss was three time zones behind, while some of my employees were as far as seven time zones ahead. With the job relocation, my commute went from about 30 minutes to nearly four hours per day. I was too close to retirement to change jobs. We couldn't sell and relocate, or even make improvements to our home, because of the eminent domain threat.

I found an apartment near my new job location where I stayed by myself four to six nights a week. I worked 12 hour days, or more, for 21 months straight. Anxiety and depression started to move in. Alcohol started to move in. I developed high blood pressure, very high cholesterol, and a heart condition.

My primary care physician and my cardiologist had me taking 14 different prescription pills a day about 2 years ago, including Zoloft. Also, about two years ago I asked for counseling assistance through work. In between, my counselor had me request a disability leave of absence for 90 days, which was from August through October 2011. During that time, I also had a "life coach" that I met with weekly. Just after I returned to work, my counselor died unexpectedly.

Things were better for a while when I returned to work, but quickly things got even worse at work and in my personal life, including my alcohol abuse. I ended up in the cardiac ward last February, and have not been back to work since.

My doctor referred me to a psychiatrist, who additionally referred me to a psychologist/counselor and a clinical psychologist who did a lot of testing and evaluating. I was diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, depression, and a few other things. The psychiatrist added Xanax to my list of pills.

I'm doing a lot better than I was 10 months ago. Many things have smoothed out. Even the eminent domain threat finally went away. I remain on disability leave from work and will officially retire within the next few months.

I continue to see the psychiatrist and the psychologist on a regular basis. I've learned a tremendous amount in dealing with all of this. However, although things are much less severe than they had been, I still have my issues with phobias, nightmares, anger management -- and binge drinking when it all becomes overwhelming.

I've attended a few AA meetings and one VA PTSD open meeting. The anxiety during and after these meetings was way more than anything I want to try and deal with currently or in the near future. I find it extremely difficult to be in any meeting with two or more people, or to be on the phone even with close friends and relatives. I feel reasonably comfortable on line where I can control the pace and schedule.

Suggestions are welcomed.

doggonecarl

Welcome.

You have a lot going on that needs addressing. I am not sure in what area you are seeking help for, but if you want to quit drinking I've found Sober Recovery a great resource.

sugarbear1

Binge drinking and Xanax can lead to the following problems:

Anxiety
depression
high blood pressure
very high cholesterol
heart condition
phobias
anger
nightmares

Self-centered fear is often the culprit.

I wish you well on your sober journey!

MIRecovery

Have you told the medical professionals of your drinking problems?

Hullu

It all ties together. PTSD is the really big one. I don't fit with the combat veterans. I don't fit with the abused. But, I spent over 40 years, either in, or sending employees into the worst hell holes of this earth. I'd really like to find a few others who been in multiple situations where they never thought they would come out alive, who have mulitiple friends who didn't come out at all, or who have been taken as hostages.

But, I've got to overcome the the binge drinking which now occurs about 2-5 times a month. It might be a half-pint, or two half-pints. It might be a six-pack or a 12 pack. It might be a magnum of wine. Then, go hide under the covers, sleep it off, and hope it will be better tomorrow.

As I mentioned above, it all ties together. The nightmares and anger started over 35 years ago, long before alcohol was an issue. The Xanax has only been in the picture for about seven or eight months.

Self-centered fear -- damn right! I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to effectively numb it.

When you get called at 3:00 AM to identify the mutilated contents of a still-warm body bag of a co-worker, so you can send it back to a family you don't know, it causes a lot of self-centered fear. Just cutting your finger, and temporarily sticking it in your mouth until you can find a Band-Aid, with the faint smell of human blood going past your nose, causes one heck of a lot of self-centered fear, anger, and an incredible flood of bad experiences.

Thank you. I just keep hoping I can find a few others like me. They aren't at AA. They aren't at the Veterans Administration. My counselors are good, but they just haven't been where I've been. Most I knew with similar experiences are dead, ranging from being killed to killing themselves, sometimes slowly, with drugs and alcohol. Most of the others just don't want to look back, as they have the same demons I have.

Nothing has been off the discussion table with my medical professionals or my wife (I've been married nearly 40 years). We recently opened up to both of our adult sons and their spouses about my problems.

I've got support, I just don't always heed it.

milly4me

Hullu,

I don't really have any good advice for you, but I wanted to post to let you know how sorry I am that you are having to deal with so much. It's got to be a really hard road. I'm really impressed with how you are managing to deal with things as best you can.

Boy, if we knew then what we knew now, so many of us would have made different choices. I'm sure you thought you could manage the emotional toll of your career choice when you started, right? Damn. Turns out we are all human.

I didn't have anywhere near the stress load you speak of in my career, but I was someone that upper management would always praise as being a good worker in high stress situations. So I got put into a pressure cooker with unrealistically high expectations of what I could achieve. Years later, I can now see the results of being under so much stress.

I do have some experience dealing with family members suffering from PTSD and GAD. These are tough things to work thru, but I've seen people greatly helped by CBT. I'm glad you are feeling some relief from the meds you are on, but keep a careful tab on your emotions while you use them.

And drinking is a BAD substitute for effective medication. It just doesn't really work well at all. My fear is that drinking is contributing (not appeasing) your fears.

Hang in there buddy.

I don't know if anyone here can fully understand what you are going through, but I'm sure you be able to find some help in what people say here.

Dee74

Hi Hullu

Like Milly said, I'm not sure if anyone here has been through exactly what you'vbe been through, but I've found that's not necessarily an impediment - sometimes just a kind word and an empathetic ear can really help

good to have you join us

D

Hullu

Thank you Milly, Dee, and all, especially for the PMs.

I started a new thread 'Where to start?' under the 'Mental Health Issues/Anxiety Disorders' forum.

Thanks,
H.