Gaining clarity and guilt 😞
 

Hi everyone. Just wanted to check in. Feeling kind of low tonight. I am starting to get my memory back and remembering some pretty awful things I did when I was drinking. I don't know what to do with these memories. They feel so strong and overwhelming and I feel so incredibly sad and shameful. Does anyone share in this? What do you do to deal (or heal)?

Hi sleepless

I think regret is a big part of early recovery for most of us.

The thing is? However much we want to we can't undo the past - it's done...as has as that is to accept.

Fixating on that is not only pointless, it's been known to drive people back to drink & drugs.

we really need to draw a line under the past - that energy we use for regret is much better put to living in today where we can do much good.

I found the more I lived right, sober, day after day, the better In felt about myself and the better I was able to put the mistakes of the past into a clear perspective.

Living right, and doing good where I can, is kinda like a living amends.

Try it :)

D

Use the guilt as a motivator. The past is the past, whatever happened, can't be changed.
"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."
-John F. Kennedy

I use a journal and write down anything that is bugging me in there. Whether it makes sense or not, whatever it is, I just write it in there.

Also I talk to my sponsor and others in recovery who have their own stories of misconduct and can relate.

As alwyas, Dee is very wise.

Every choice I have made good, bad (and some very ugly!) got me to where I am now, sober. Focus on all of the positive things you are doing now.
:)

Here is a link to an online book that may help,
Shame & Guilt by Ernest Kurtz
Ernest Kurtz, Shame & Guilt

Hi Sleepless,

Something I wrote to myself yesterday might be worth sharing with you right now....It's about control:

"I can only control what I can control and that is me. My actions, my decisions and my choices!"

I am sure we have all been there at some point. I know I certainly have so can completely understand where you are coming from. Human's a forgiving creatures (well most of them) and if you were to front up with sincerity and honesty then I believe people will forgive you.
Andrew

Thank you for your encouraging words. I am working diligently on focusing on today and staying sober. Some days are easier than others. Looking at the path of destruction I left behind when I finally "came to" so to speak has been difficult. I am trying to treat myself with kid gloves right now because i know that my AV is trying to use that guilt and shame against me. I have to keep reminding myself that drinking at this point will elongate that path whereas staying sober begins a path free of destruction.

Sometimes the best living amends we can make is to remain sober.

Hi, sleepless.

I don't know about you, but I love redemption stories. And you can't have a good redemption story without a whole lot of shady dealings and regrettable decisions. Guilt, too. The guilt and regret are usually what drive characters to change their ways, to live a noble life and emerge as the heroes of the story.

Your AV's just slow on the uptake, thinks you're still back in Act 1. But you're in full hero mode now. You should be proud of yourself. What matters is how the story ends, you know? :)