Fresh Start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 20
Fresh Start
Hello,
12 years ago, I was involved in an automobile accident in which my neck was broken in two places and my lower back in three, among other things. The pain was just intense, and I was provided with what at the time was a Godsend but has become the devil in disguise - narcotics. Over the years, my dose was gradually increased from vicodin to the oxycodone 360mg a day habit that it has become. I honestly required the medication at first. And the first couple of dosage increases were also honestly required. But then it started. I began to WANT more, not NEED more, and it wasn't difficult to get. I currently have a pain management doctor who does only one thing at our appointments - he checks my blood pressure and pulse, listens with a stethoscope to the front and back, and then writes the script. And that's that. I go to the pharmacy downstairs and fill the script. I have never taken more than prescribed or run out early, until last week. I was at my neurologist's office for a regular appointment with him (he doesn't prescribe the pain meds), and I was standing beside him at the counter in the exam room as we were wrapping up. I took out my bottle of oxycodone and opened it to take it, and a spasm hit. The bottle flew into the air, all over the floor and some down the sink into the drain. He was right there and saw it happen, but the PM doc refused to provide an early refill. He's very strict on that policy. The neuro offered to write a letter on letterhead and signed to vouch for what happened.
So the neurologist prescribed some Vicodin to try to ease the withdrawal that would be forthcoming. He knew it would be violating my contract with the PM doc and left the chance to me. I don't know if the PM doc or the pharmacy I normally use check the Texas PAT database regularly or not, but I was terrified of withdrawals and accepted it, taking the chance. I stumbled through the weekend with the vicodin, taking 12 a day (6 in the morning and 6 at night) to ease the withdrawals and help what legitimate pain there is (again, not enough to require the large doses I am on). I went to my regular appointment on Monday, but the pharmacy was out of the oxycodone. The PM doc wrote for morphine instead, same quantity/strength as the oxy (intervals totaling 360mg a day). He said the morphine was only a tinge less strong as the oxy, but that simply wasn't the case. It also affected me badly with violent vomiting. I called the pharmacy Tuesday and they had gotten the oxy in. The doctor allowed me to return the morphine to them to destroy and fill my regular script.
I could kick myself for not taking the opportunity. I had, even though on vicodin, gone through some nasty withdrawals over the weekend. Of course, I was still taking the high dose of vicodin twice a day (which of course I couldn't continue to do without serious liver damage as it was 3900mg of acetaminophen a day on that). In any event, I got the oxy and started back on it. For years I have been so disgusted with myself, so ashamed, living month to month and hoping that these sorts of issues wouldn't arise. I've tried to taper before, but never made it. Not because of withdrawals, but because I wasn't getting out of it what I WANTED to get.
But over the course of this past week, something "clicked" and I'd finally had enough. I *WILL* get off this, NOW! I have 300 of the 30mg immediate release oxy, as usual. I've created a taper schedule that that will allow me to finally free myself of these damn things once and for all - a schedule using only the 300 pills I currently have, reducing by a quarter every three days. I simply cannot take a cold turkey sudden withdrawal, and I realize this is creating a situation in which there is still some discomfort over the course of the month. I've tried it before, and that discomfort wasn't too bad. It was bearable, and I would have made it if I were ready at the time. But I wasn't ready, and it was doomed to fail. But not this time. I AM READY!!!! I am tired of this lifestyle, this addiction, and all that comes with it. I want my life back, and I *CAN* and *WILL* do it.
I am going tomorrow to contact a local NA group and get into a system of support. I'll also communicate with others online who have gone through it. All the support I can get the better. It's time to find happiness not in a pill but in life itself - in the moments that matter, moments that are not tainted and lost in a narcotic cloud.
I'm sure I will be posting and replying like mad on here for the time being, and I hope I can find someone in person who won't get tired of me. It's a rough road, but I will not let this beat me down anymore. I hope you all don't get sick of me either.
I am 42 years old, and I'm declaring today as my new birthday. It's Time2LiveAgain!!!!
12 years ago, I was involved in an automobile accident in which my neck was broken in two places and my lower back in three, among other things. The pain was just intense, and I was provided with what at the time was a Godsend but has become the devil in disguise - narcotics. Over the years, my dose was gradually increased from vicodin to the oxycodone 360mg a day habit that it has become. I honestly required the medication at first. And the first couple of dosage increases were also honestly required. But then it started. I began to WANT more, not NEED more, and it wasn't difficult to get. I currently have a pain management doctor who does only one thing at our appointments - he checks my blood pressure and pulse, listens with a stethoscope to the front and back, and then writes the script. And that's that. I go to the pharmacy downstairs and fill the script. I have never taken more than prescribed or run out early, until last week. I was at my neurologist's office for a regular appointment with him (he doesn't prescribe the pain meds), and I was standing beside him at the counter in the exam room as we were wrapping up. I took out my bottle of oxycodone and opened it to take it, and a spasm hit. The bottle flew into the air, all over the floor and some down the sink into the drain. He was right there and saw it happen, but the PM doc refused to provide an early refill. He's very strict on that policy. The neuro offered to write a letter on letterhead and signed to vouch for what happened.
So the neurologist prescribed some Vicodin to try to ease the withdrawal that would be forthcoming. He knew it would be violating my contract with the PM doc and left the chance to me. I don't know if the PM doc or the pharmacy I normally use check the Texas PAT database regularly or not, but I was terrified of withdrawals and accepted it, taking the chance. I stumbled through the weekend with the vicodin, taking 12 a day (6 in the morning and 6 at night) to ease the withdrawals and help what legitimate pain there is (again, not enough to require the large doses I am on). I went to my regular appointment on Monday, but the pharmacy was out of the oxycodone. The PM doc wrote for morphine instead, same quantity/strength as the oxy (intervals totaling 360mg a day). He said the morphine was only a tinge less strong as the oxy, but that simply wasn't the case. It also affected me badly with violent vomiting. I called the pharmacy Tuesday and they had gotten the oxy in. The doctor allowed me to return the morphine to them to destroy and fill my regular script.
I could kick myself for not taking the opportunity. I had, even though on vicodin, gone through some nasty withdrawals over the weekend. Of course, I was still taking the high dose of vicodin twice a day (which of course I couldn't continue to do without serious liver damage as it was 3900mg of acetaminophen a day on that). In any event, I got the oxy and started back on it. For years I have been so disgusted with myself, so ashamed, living month to month and hoping that these sorts of issues wouldn't arise. I've tried to taper before, but never made it. Not because of withdrawals, but because I wasn't getting out of it what I WANTED to get.
But over the course of this past week, something "clicked" and I'd finally had enough. I *WILL* get off this, NOW! I have 300 of the 30mg immediate release oxy, as usual. I've created a taper schedule that that will allow me to finally free myself of these damn things once and for all - a schedule using only the 300 pills I currently have, reducing by a quarter every three days. I simply cannot take a cold turkey sudden withdrawal, and I realize this is creating a situation in which there is still some discomfort over the course of the month. I've tried it before, and that discomfort wasn't too bad. It was bearable, and I would have made it if I were ready at the time. But I wasn't ready, and it was doomed to fail. But not this time. I AM READY!!!! I am tired of this lifestyle, this addiction, and all that comes with it. I want my life back, and I *CAN* and *WILL* do it.
I am going tomorrow to contact a local NA group and get into a system of support. I'll also communicate with others online who have gone through it. All the support I can get the better. It's time to find happiness not in a pill but in life itself - in the moments that matter, moments that are not tainted and lost in a narcotic cloud.
I'm sure I will be posting and replying like mad on here for the time being, and I hope I can find someone in person who won't get tired of me. It's a rough road, but I will not let this beat me down anymore. I hope you all don't get sick of me either.
I am 42 years old, and I'm declaring today as my new birthday. It's Time2LiveAgain!!!!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Time2LiveAgain!
Post away, as much as you want! I lived on this forum at first and it really helped me get through the cravings I had for alcohol. You can do this (and you'll be so glad you did!).
Post away, as much as you want! I lived on this forum at first and it really helped me get through the cravings I had for alcohol. You can do this (and you'll be so glad you did!).
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Welcome Time2LiveAgain 
sounds like a plan to me - keep up that determination and I'm sure you'll do it too
there's a ton of support here as well - lots of people who understand...you've found a good place
D
sounds like a plan to me - keep up that determination and I'm sure you'll do it too
there's a ton of support here as well - lots of people who understand...you've found a good place
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 20
Thanks so much for all the encouragement! Today was the first day, and I have kept to 1 and 3/4 every hours, dropping from 2. Two days of this and then down to 1.5, and so on. However, I've decided not to take any chances, and I did the hardest thing I've ever done.
Me and my oldest sister are very close. She's 12 years older than me and has really always been "Mom #2" for me, helping to raise me. I decided I am not going to do this alone and instead continue to get all the support I can. So I called her and unloaded all of it. The shame and guilt was and is intense, and I hope to resolve that with counseling over time. She expressed her love and support, which I knew she would in spite of my shame. But I didn't expect what she did after that - she said, "We'll do this together." She told me to pack some clothes and necessities and move in with her tomorrow afternoon (not literally MOVE IN - but stay with her). She said she will research and talk to a doctor (a friend of hers) about it. She's going to control the medication during the taper, do my meals and even get a vitamin and mineral supplement regimen together. Basically, I'm going to move in with my sister (and her husband, the poor guy) for a sort of "in-patient detox" with her. And she's going to help me get into NA or some support system.
Now I feel even more encouraged and certain that I'm going to lick this thing. I pretty much knew she would not judge or lecture me, but I did not expect her to go above and beyond with all this. I just wanted to tell her to be able to call and lean on her during the process.
I will have my computer with me and continue to post on here as well. You know, the last times I tried this when I wasn't ready to do it, I had a real trepidation about it. But not now. In fact, in spite of the discomfort and not-so-great time I know it will be, I'm actually excited about it!
It's Time2LiveAgain!!!!
Me and my oldest sister are very close. She's 12 years older than me and has really always been "Mom #2" for me, helping to raise me. I decided I am not going to do this alone and instead continue to get all the support I can. So I called her and unloaded all of it. The shame and guilt was and is intense, and I hope to resolve that with counseling over time. She expressed her love and support, which I knew she would in spite of my shame. But I didn't expect what she did after that - she said, "We'll do this together." She told me to pack some clothes and necessities and move in with her tomorrow afternoon (not literally MOVE IN - but stay with her). She said she will research and talk to a doctor (a friend of hers) about it. She's going to control the medication during the taper, do my meals and even get a vitamin and mineral supplement regimen together. Basically, I'm going to move in with my sister (and her husband, the poor guy) for a sort of "in-patient detox" with her. And she's going to help me get into NA or some support system.
Now I feel even more encouraged and certain that I'm going to lick this thing. I pretty much knew she would not judge or lecture me, but I did not expect her to go above and beyond with all this. I just wanted to tell her to be able to call and lean on her during the process.
I will have my computer with me and continue to post on here as well. You know, the last times I tried this when I wasn't ready to do it, I had a real trepidation about it. But not now. In fact, in spite of the discomfort and not-so-great time I know it will be, I'm actually excited about it!
It's Time2LiveAgain!!!!
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