Newbie here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NSW
Posts: 1
Newbie here
Hi everyone so I just started a new account and I'm pretty new to everything.
I know this is not recovering, but I just want people with experience of alcohol opinion on this, I'm 17 and can't wait to turn 18 to buy alcohol (I live in Australia) everyday and become an alcoholic.
When I'm just my normal sober self, I'm shy, feel inadequate from everybody else, feel detached from the world, feel like I have no personality, I get frustrated easily and act on impulses with aggression, I hate everybody, I feel everyone is against me or hates me and most of all, I hate myself. I can never stand my sober self and don't feel good enough for people to even look me in the eye, I feel like this every single morning when I wake up followed with a horrible rush of anxiety that last throughout the day. I don't know how I have gotten this bad and it has lead me to feeling suicidal every single day, and also guilty for it and that I don't deserve to feel bad for myself. I feel like I cannot communicate with people at all, it is basically a living hell and I ask why God has done this to me.
Then there is the lovely alcohol that is a life saver for me, when I'm on it, Music is sooo much better, my feelings of self consciousness is gone, my shyness gone, my feelings of inadequacy, gone. I just feel like I can do anything, talk to anybody I want without being obnoxious or disrespectful, I love everything and everyone and can do whatever without caring and this is even after just one beer. I get this utter most euphoric feeling ever like my life turned upside down and I know exactly who I am, how everything cannot get ANY better than this.
I really don't know why everyone says it's so bad? And why is being an alcoholic so frowned upon, It doesn't disrupt with my relationships, it improves them, it makes me more open and efficient at work, makes me open up to my boss more making him liking me more, it basically makes me a person full of life, joy and respected and loved. Why does society say it's so bad to drink other than for obvious physical damage like to the liver and the brain. Screw that if the benefits outweigh the negatives? Do you guys agree with me on my condition opposed to the 'stereotypical' alcoholics?
I know this is not recovering, but I just want people with experience of alcohol opinion on this, I'm 17 and can't wait to turn 18 to buy alcohol (I live in Australia) everyday and become an alcoholic.
When I'm just my normal sober self, I'm shy, feel inadequate from everybody else, feel detached from the world, feel like I have no personality, I get frustrated easily and act on impulses with aggression, I hate everybody, I feel everyone is against me or hates me and most of all, I hate myself. I can never stand my sober self and don't feel good enough for people to even look me in the eye, I feel like this every single morning when I wake up followed with a horrible rush of anxiety that last throughout the day. I don't know how I have gotten this bad and it has lead me to feeling suicidal every single day, and also guilty for it and that I don't deserve to feel bad for myself. I feel like I cannot communicate with people at all, it is basically a living hell and I ask why God has done this to me.
Then there is the lovely alcohol that is a life saver for me, when I'm on it, Music is sooo much better, my feelings of self consciousness is gone, my shyness gone, my feelings of inadequacy, gone. I just feel like I can do anything, talk to anybody I want without being obnoxious or disrespectful, I love everything and everyone and can do whatever without caring and this is even after just one beer. I get this utter most euphoric feeling ever like my life turned upside down and I know exactly who I am, how everything cannot get ANY better than this.
I really don't know why everyone says it's so bad? And why is being an alcoholic so frowned upon, It doesn't disrupt with my relationships, it improves them, it makes me more open and efficient at work, makes me open up to my boss more making him liking me more, it basically makes me a person full of life, joy and respected and loved. Why does society say it's so bad to drink other than for obvious physical damage like to the liver and the brain. Screw that if the benefits outweigh the negatives? Do you guys agree with me on my condition opposed to the 'stereotypical' alcoholics?
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself. I really can relate. I felt similarly at your age. I started drinking to feel better and it did work for a while. Eventually though, because alcoholism is progressive, I ended up with a wreck of a life, had hurt people I loved, and hated myself.
Why is alcoholism so bad? It kills people. Before it kills them it sucks any happiness, joy, honesty, goodness, and spirit out of them. It's a long slow, horrible death. It hurts everyone that loves you and sucks a little of their happiness away too.
In the U.S. alone, nearly 40,000 people die annually from drug induced deaths.
You might find this helpful: http://www.addictionz.com/images/alcoholism-chart.gif
Why is alcoholism so bad? It kills people. Before it kills them it sucks any happiness, joy, honesty, goodness, and spirit out of them. It's a long slow, horrible death. It hurts everyone that loves you and sucks a little of their happiness away too.
In the U.S. alone, nearly 40,000 people die annually from drug induced deaths.
You might find this helpful: http://www.addictionz.com/images/alcoholism-chart.gif
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
You certainly sound like someone who thinks of alcohol as a type of medication.
Many people do think that (at first, before they can no longer deny that it just adds to their problems rather then being any sort of real solution).
Unfortunately alcohol can't cure the type of issues you are dealing with. It's a bad temporary patch at best.
I'm sorry you are feeling the way your are feeling. No one should have to live that way.
Do you have access to professional mental health people?
I promise you that there is hope AND help for you.
It would be nice if you merely had to drink to make things better, but that's not a realistic long term solution. Alcohol can't make you better. It's likely going to take a lot of hard work with a therapist and possibly some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).
I wish you the best.
Many people do think that (at first, before they can no longer deny that it just adds to their problems rather then being any sort of real solution).
Unfortunately alcohol can't cure the type of issues you are dealing with. It's a bad temporary patch at best.
I'm sorry you are feeling the way your are feeling. No one should have to live that way.
Do you have access to professional mental health people?
I promise you that there is hope AND help for you.
It would be nice if you merely had to drink to make things better, but that's not a realistic long term solution. Alcohol can't make you better. It's likely going to take a lot of hard work with a therapist and possibly some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,345
Kim - I too was shy and felt inadequate most of the time as a teenager and yes at a party and for a short while alcohol helped me loosen up and be the fun life of the party. Soon though, when drinking, I would start stupid fights with good friends - almost losing those friendships, would feel so awful the next day I couldn't get out of bed, made my mother cry and countless other things that made me feel sooo much worse about myself. Luckily I never drove drunk and got A DWI or was thrown in jail or rushed to the hospital like some of the other stories on here - but for the grace of God as they say.
Overall, for me, I can tell you I feel much worse about myself when drinking then when not. Instead of drinking try investing your time in a hobby or interest - or voluteer somewhere - nothing makes you feel better about yourself than helping others.
Good Luck
Overall, for me, I can tell you I feel much worse about myself when drinking then when not. Instead of drinking try investing your time in a hobby or interest - or voluteer somewhere - nothing makes you feel better about yourself than helping others.
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 75
This is exactly why alcohol is so deadly and destructive. The nature of the drug is so deceptive. Early drinking is fun and the hangovers almost a novelty that can be dealt with fairly easily.
However, and you must understand this, this is precisely why alcohol becomes addictive and devastating...you associate these feelings with alcohol mentally. What happens over time is that you still have this mental connection that alcohol = euphoria, but the effects like any drug, become more difficult to attain.
So what happens, without exception, is that you drink more to get the same buzz. The danger though is that the gradual decline can be imperceptive and can happen over the course of years rather than months. Why should you stop right? It doesn't make sense to stop! That's the nature of the drug.
I fear that because you are placing alcohol in such high regard that it could be argued that you are more at risk of becoming alcoholic.
Be very careful how you tread over the next few years - you are you're own person and you will make your own mind up, but PLEASE heed the warnings here.
This place can offer you tried and tested advice without you having to find out for yourself saving you potentially years of misery...people start out exactly as you have done and it doesn't always end up good.
Good luck in your life choices and I hope the demon drink doesn't fool you too easily...
However, and you must understand this, this is precisely why alcohol becomes addictive and devastating...you associate these feelings with alcohol mentally. What happens over time is that you still have this mental connection that alcohol = euphoria, but the effects like any drug, become more difficult to attain.
So what happens, without exception, is that you drink more to get the same buzz. The danger though is that the gradual decline can be imperceptive and can happen over the course of years rather than months. Why should you stop right? It doesn't make sense to stop! That's the nature of the drug.
I fear that because you are placing alcohol in such high regard that it could be argued that you are more at risk of becoming alcoholic.
Be very careful how you tread over the next few years - you are you're own person and you will make your own mind up, but PLEASE heed the warnings here.
This place can offer you tried and tested advice without you having to find out for yourself saving you potentially years of misery...people start out exactly as you have done and it doesn't always end up good.
Good luck in your life choices and I hope the demon drink doesn't fool you too easily...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13
Hi Kimxallen. Thank you for posting this. Very insightful of you.
"...can't wait to turn 18 to buy alcohol (I live in Australia) everyday and become an alcoholic."
That was my dream also. Which turned out to be my worst nightmare.
"When I'm just my normal sober self, I'm shy, feel inadequate from everybody else, feel detached from the world, feel like I have no personality, I get frustrated easily and act on impulses with aggression, I hate everybody, I feel everyone is against me or hates me and most of all, I hate myself. I can never stand my sober self and don't feel good enough for people to even look me in the eye, I feel like this every single morning when I wake up followed with a horrible rush of anxiety that last throughout the day. I don't know how I have gotten this bad and it has lead me to feeling suicidal every single day, and also guilty for it and that I don't deserve to feel bad for myself. I feel like I cannot communicate with people at all, it is basically a living hell and I ask why God has done this to me.."
Again, you have described my own feelings perfectly. It's uncanny to hear this coming from another human being. Be advised these feelings wont end
simply from staying sober. It will take much time and effort and you will need to ask for help. Alcohol or drugs will only hide the warning signs of deeper problems until they are out of control. And then sometimes..it is too late.
"...it is basically a living hell and I ask why God has done this to me.."
In my humble opinion, God has shown you these things while you are yet so young as a warning. From my personal experience, if you remain on your present path, only destruction will follow... for yourself and those around you.
"I hate everybody, I feel everyone is against me or hates me and most of all, I hate myself."
I like this quote..I hope that you find it helpful.
"Vast is the difference between holding and being held. You hold only what you love. What you hate holds you. Avoid being held."
"...can't wait to turn 18 to buy alcohol (I live in Australia) everyday and become an alcoholic."
That was my dream also. Which turned out to be my worst nightmare.
"When I'm just my normal sober self, I'm shy, feel inadequate from everybody else, feel detached from the world, feel like I have no personality, I get frustrated easily and act on impulses with aggression, I hate everybody, I feel everyone is against me or hates me and most of all, I hate myself. I can never stand my sober self and don't feel good enough for people to even look me in the eye, I feel like this every single morning when I wake up followed with a horrible rush of anxiety that last throughout the day. I don't know how I have gotten this bad and it has lead me to feeling suicidal every single day, and also guilty for it and that I don't deserve to feel bad for myself. I feel like I cannot communicate with people at all, it is basically a living hell and I ask why God has done this to me.."
Again, you have described my own feelings perfectly. It's uncanny to hear this coming from another human being. Be advised these feelings wont end
simply from staying sober. It will take much time and effort and you will need to ask for help. Alcohol or drugs will only hide the warning signs of deeper problems until they are out of control. And then sometimes..it is too late.
"...it is basically a living hell and I ask why God has done this to me.."
In my humble opinion, God has shown you these things while you are yet so young as a warning. From my personal experience, if you remain on your present path, only destruction will follow... for yourself and those around you.
"I hate everybody, I feel everyone is against me or hates me and most of all, I hate myself."
I like this quote..I hope that you find it helpful.
"Vast is the difference between holding and being held. You hold only what you love. What you hate holds you. Avoid being held."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by kimxallan 
Hi everyone so I just started a new account and I'm pretty new to everything.
I know this is not recovering, but I just want people with experience of alcohol opinion on this, I'm 17 and can't wait to turn 18 to buy alcohol (I live in Australia) everyday and become an alcoholic.
When I'm just my normal sober self, I'm shy, feel inadequate from everybody else, feel detached from the world, feel like I have no personality, I get frustrated easily and act on impulses with aggression, I hate everybody, I feel everyone is against me or hates me and most of all, I hate myself. I can never stand my sober self and don't feel good enough for people to even look me in the eye, I feel like this every single morning when I wake up followed with a horrible rush of anxiety that last throughout the day. I don't know how I have gotten this bad and it has lead me to feeling suicidal every single day, and also guilty for it and that I don't deserve to feel bad for myself. I feel like I cannot communicate with people at all, it is basically a living hell and I ask why God has done this to me.
Then there is the lovely alcohol that is a life saver for me, when I'm on it, Music is sooo much better, my feelings of self consciousness is gone, my shyness gone, my feelings of inadequacy, gone. I just feel like I can do anything, talk to anybody I want without being obnoxious or disrespectful, I love everything and everyone and can do whatever without caring and this is even after just one beer. I get this utter most euphoric feeling ever like my life turned upside down and I know exactly who I am, how everything cannot get ANY better than this.
I really don't know why everyone says it's so bad? And why is being an alcoholic so frowned upon, It doesn't disrupt with my relationships, it improves them, it makes me more open and efficient at work, makes me open up to my boss more making him liking me more, it basically makes me a person full of life, joy and respected and loved. Why does society say it's so bad to drink other than for obvious physical damage like to the liver and the brain. Screw that if the benefits outweigh the negatives? Do you guys agree with me on my condition opposed to the 'stereotypical' alcoholics?
I know this is not recovering, but I just want people with experience of alcohol opinion on this, I'm 17 and can't wait to turn 18 to buy alcohol (I live in Australia) everyday and become an alcoholic.
When I'm just my normal sober self, I'm shy, feel inadequate from everybody else, feel detached from the world, feel like I have no personality, I get frustrated easily and act on impulses with aggression, I hate everybody, I feel everyone is against me or hates me and most of all, I hate myself. I can never stand my sober self and don't feel good enough for people to even look me in the eye, I feel like this every single morning when I wake up followed with a horrible rush of anxiety that last throughout the day. I don't know how I have gotten this bad and it has lead me to feeling suicidal every single day, and also guilty for it and that I don't deserve to feel bad for myself. I feel like I cannot communicate with people at all, it is basically a living hell and I ask why God has done this to me.
Then there is the lovely alcohol that is a life saver for me, when I'm on it, Music is sooo much better, my feelings of self consciousness is gone, my shyness gone, my feelings of inadequacy, gone. I just feel like I can do anything, talk to anybody I want without being obnoxious or disrespectful, I love everything and everyone and can do whatever without caring and this is even after just one beer. I get this utter most euphoric feeling ever like my life turned upside down and I know exactly who I am, how everything cannot get ANY better than this.
I really don't know why everyone says it's so bad? And why is being an alcoholic so frowned upon, It doesn't disrupt with my relationships, it improves them, it makes me more open and efficient at work, makes me open up to my boss more making him liking me more, it basically makes me a person full of life, joy and respected and loved. Why does society say it's so bad to drink other than for obvious physical damage like to the liver and the brain. Screw that if the benefits outweigh the negatives? Do you guys agree with me on my condition opposed to the 'stereotypical' alcoholics?
You are me in 1959. All the "ISMs" of alcoholism and the booze is just beginning to work in all it's perceived glory.
I wish you the best in your life that lays before you... there will be lessons to learn.
Google "The drunkard's progress" and look at the images that come up... read the texts. They are TRUE
Bob R
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by kimxallan
I really don't know why everyone says it's so bad? And why is being an alcoholic so frowned upon, It doesn't disrupt with my relationships, it improves them, it makes me more open and efficient at work, makes me open up to my boss more making him liking me more, it basically makes me a person full of life, joy and respected and loved. Why does society say it's so bad to drink other than for obvious physical damage like to the liver and the brain. Screw that if the benefits outweigh the negatives? Do you guys agree with me on my condition opposed to the 'stereotypical' alcoholics?
You start screwing up relationships because you say or do things drunk. You work starts to suffer because you are hung over, people stay away from you because the person you are when you are drunk is no longer attractive, you start isolating because people do not drink like you, the law becomes involved because of drunk driving or other things, your health starts to suffer because alcohol is very hard on your body.
If you do not believe me continue to drink and one day you will realize these words were true but by then it will be too late.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome kim -
A lot of us felt the way you do.... you're not alone, that's for sure. But, I think if any of us really knew what alcohol would do to our lives, we would never have picked up the first drink. I'd hate for you to learn the hard way, too.
You deserve a better life, one in which you feel good about yourself. Drinking is not going to give you that. Truthfully, the only way to resolve our problems (depression, anxiety, etc.) is to face them and get the help we need. There are other ways, other resources, that you can use to find solutions..... real solutions that last, not something that just helps you avoid yourself and avoid life.
A lot of us felt the way you do.... you're not alone, that's for sure. But, I think if any of us really knew what alcohol would do to our lives, we would never have picked up the first drink. I'd hate for you to learn the hard way, too.
You deserve a better life, one in which you feel good about yourself. Drinking is not going to give you that. Truthfully, the only way to resolve our problems (depression, anxiety, etc.) is to face them and get the help we need. There are other ways, other resources, that you can use to find solutions..... real solutions that last, not something that just helps you avoid yourself and avoid life.
Alcoholism is a way of running, it is a way to hide from society, and thus from life. Alcoholics are not social people, they are quite the opposite. While drunk a person may be able to communicate without the same severity of inhibition, but what one finds the longer and the further they delve into alcohol is that what we communicate while drunk is a lie. It is a distortion of reality like the mental state it creates. It does not present the opportunity to more fully express one's true self, it presents the opportunity to forget oneself, to forget others, to forget everything, and to speak the lies of one who has become lost in a haze of delusion. The only way out is to recognize alcohol as the lie that it really is and gradually attempt to develop a sense of self that one feels comfortable with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
i started out feeling exactly like this.
its just booze, everyone drinks it, it makes me feel good.
oh just wait until it turns on you Like this. And it will, it always does.
Dear Friend,
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.
I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckly when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.
It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.
The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.
And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitiude I have for the loayalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul. FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.
Faithfully yours,
Your addiction and drug of choice
its just booze, everyone drinks it, it makes me feel good.
oh just wait until it turns on you Like this. And it will, it always does.
Dear Friend,
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.
I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckly when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.
It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.
The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.
And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitiude I have for the loayalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul. FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.
Faithfully yours,
Your addiction and drug of choice
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