Again - sadly & disappointedly drunk
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Good that nothing too serious happened, and you now know what it's like to get 15 months before the idea that having a drink is fine creeps back in, which is a good run.
Great that you decided you are going to stop again, as you know from experience life is best lived that way.
Great that you decided you are going to stop again, as you know from experience life is best lived that way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
You are so great—even in your pain your wit and self-awareness come through. I'm proud to have you as a friend, proud of the amazing changes you've made in your life over these past two years, and proud that you're stopping this thing right now, because we both know where it inevitably leads.
I'm sorry you feel like crap, but super glad you never have to feel like this again.
I'm sorry you feel like crap, but super glad you never have to feel like this again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm glad you're back. I determined to moderate my drinking too and just ended up making things worse. I'm glad you know that you need to stop drinking and that drinking is no longer an option for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome back, I didn't know you from before but 15.5 months is awesome. I am working toward three right now, and I am very grateful to the amazing people on this site. Looking forward to seeing you on here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Thank you all so much for posting. I feel the love, truly, and it's just as amazing and real as it was the first time I came to SR nearly 4 year ago. It means a lot.
Today was a rough one for my body but my mind is strong and I have faith that this is the last time I need to go through this. I'm sad that I drank but proud that I didn't roll the dice and let this turn into a bender. I felt like sh*t today but made myself get up anyway like it was a normal day, tended to my responsibilities. Luckily it snowed pretty hard last night so I had an excuse to stay home which helped a lot.
I'm not going to feel sorry for myself, just going to get back to the work of sobriety. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that a positive mental attitude will take you anywhere. It's my mantra today.
Today was a rough one for my body but my mind is strong and I have faith that this is the last time I need to go through this. I'm sad that I drank but proud that I didn't roll the dice and let this turn into a bender. I felt like sh*t today but made myself get up anyway like it was a normal day, tended to my responsibilities. Luckily it snowed pretty hard last night so I had an excuse to stay home which helped a lot.
I'm not going to feel sorry for myself, just going to get back to the work of sobriety. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that a positive mental attitude will take you anywhere. It's my mantra today.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Girl from CO: Yes, I can identify with what you said, that you just wanted to see again what it felt like. That's just what I was thinking when I picked up in Chicago back in '75 after seven years sober. And thirteen years after that, picked up again and landed in the hospital. Interestingly the disease seemed to have progressed even when I had not been drinking. So now I've been sober for 24 years. Have a good chance of dying from some more "natural" death, or at least something that's not humiliating.
Good luck on hoisting yourself back in the saddle. When the dust settles you can do some thinking on what was the trigger here. And maybe if you hear that inner voice wondering again, what it "feels like" you might be able to reply that it feels like hell itself, well not right away but very soon, and as the years go on, very very soon.
W.
Good luck on hoisting yourself back in the saddle. When the dust settles you can do some thinking on what was the trigger here. And maybe if you hear that inner voice wondering again, what it "feels like" you might be able to reply that it feels like hell itself, well not right away but very soon, and as the years go on, very very soon.
W.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Present Moment
Posts: 646
CO girl, you are a true testament to how someone should "get back on it" after a slip.
You are absolutely right...a positive mental attitude will take you out of this.
Glad you are "feeling the love"...cuz it's real for ya honey!
Big hugs
You are absolutely right...a positive mental attitude will take you out of this.
Glad you are "feeling the love"...cuz it's real for ya honey!
Big hugs
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
:ghug3 Glad you're back! I tested the waters, too, twice. My last relapse lasted 7 years.... I just wasn't going to give up trying to make it work (and of course it only got worse, never better)
So if you ask me, you're doing really well!
So if you ask me, you're doing really well!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Gainesville, FL
Posts: 96
"I needed to tell & be accountable." I don't think I've read a more powerful sentence on this site. It's easy not to tell and not hold yourself accountable, but no one would ever accomplish anything in their lives.
15 and a half months? That is amazing! Remember, you did it one day at a time.
"The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall." Vince Lombardi
15 and a half months? That is amazing! Remember, you did it one day at a time.
"The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall." Vince Lombardi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Hey, thanks so much for all the input everyone. I just wrote this letter to a buddy on the site and thought I'd share it here. It explains what happened when I decided to drink again. Maybe it will help somebody.
I had been thinking about drinking a lot for a while and just could never shake the feeling that things were different now and I should be able to handle myself better. Even after that thread with TU I still felt like his answers to my question of why couldn't I drink now were basically "because I said so" reasons and I wasn't really satisfied with them. It felt good for a while to say I wasn't going to drink again but soon I knew that I was. I just didn't know when.
I talked about it a lot with my husband and he admitted he felt the same way - things were different now in a big way, so why shouldn't drinking be different too? I decided to try it and he agreed. We both said it will be pretty obvious if things are still the same, so at least I'd know.
So I had the first beer when we were watching the debates. Nothing happened but I felt bad about losing all of my sober time. From there I started having a beer every other night or so, and then every night, and then two every night because I had immediate tolerance. All of this I told myself was fine. Two beers a night does not an alcoholic make, right? I managed to maintain like this for a while and things were fine. Then about 3 weeks ago my husband went on an overnighter to Denver and I pushed it and had 4 big glasses of wine. Not like I used to roll but I was drunk for sure. So I told myself it was fine, that I was curious to remember what it was like, I didn't like being drunk, and I wasn't going to do it again. I'm not an alcoholic - I was just curious.
Back to two drinks an evening until Saturday when we went to see some new friends who don't know about my history of drinking. I got drunk on 4 beers, cracked a 5th but decided not to have it. We all had a great time, and I woke up with a hangover. I told myself that it wasn't that big of a deal, even normal drinkers catch a buzz with friends and I had decided to stop at 4 instead of drinking the one I opened. Not a big deal, right? Everyone does that. But I felt uneasy.
Then last night my husband went out of town and I just went for it. This is sort of embarrassing but I got this facial hair remover thing that's basically a tight metal coil that rips your hair out and as you can imagine it hurts big time. I had already had my two glasses of wine but I told myself I wanted to drink one more so I didn't feel the pain of ripping out my mustache with this torture device (lol sorry, so sorry). By the time I finished the third it was on. I think I had one more glassful, like full to the brim, and then I came here. I can rationalize curiosity, social stuff, but not getting wasted on a worknight all by myself. Normal drinkers do not do that. Period. There is no way to rationalize that one.
So in a sense things HAVE changed - I'm honest with myself and I recognize that this isn't working. The experiment has failed. And I'm really grateful for that knowledge. Like I said in a post, a while back this could have turned into god knows how long of a relapse and stirred up all sorts of trouble. As it is, I'm sort of disappointed that the chemical wins... but really happy that I know for sure now. I had never tried seriously to moderate in the past so it was always a big question in my mind. Curiosity satisfied, lesson learned, no harm done really (except for sending D a bunch of weepy and ridiculous PMs last night. That poor guy, lol! Patience of a saint). It feels peaceful to really know that I can't drink, sort of like how making the big plan or statement or whatever felt for a few days. Only now I know it's not just because TU said so
I had been thinking about drinking a lot for a while and just could never shake the feeling that things were different now and I should be able to handle myself better. Even after that thread with TU I still felt like his answers to my question of why couldn't I drink now were basically "because I said so" reasons and I wasn't really satisfied with them. It felt good for a while to say I wasn't going to drink again but soon I knew that I was. I just didn't know when.
I talked about it a lot with my husband and he admitted he felt the same way - things were different now in a big way, so why shouldn't drinking be different too? I decided to try it and he agreed. We both said it will be pretty obvious if things are still the same, so at least I'd know.
So I had the first beer when we were watching the debates. Nothing happened but I felt bad about losing all of my sober time. From there I started having a beer every other night or so, and then every night, and then two every night because I had immediate tolerance. All of this I told myself was fine. Two beers a night does not an alcoholic make, right? I managed to maintain like this for a while and things were fine. Then about 3 weeks ago my husband went on an overnighter to Denver and I pushed it and had 4 big glasses of wine. Not like I used to roll but I was drunk for sure. So I told myself it was fine, that I was curious to remember what it was like, I didn't like being drunk, and I wasn't going to do it again. I'm not an alcoholic - I was just curious.
Back to two drinks an evening until Saturday when we went to see some new friends who don't know about my history of drinking. I got drunk on 4 beers, cracked a 5th but decided not to have it. We all had a great time, and I woke up with a hangover. I told myself that it wasn't that big of a deal, even normal drinkers catch a buzz with friends and I had decided to stop at 4 instead of drinking the one I opened. Not a big deal, right? Everyone does that. But I felt uneasy.
Then last night my husband went out of town and I just went for it. This is sort of embarrassing but I got this facial hair remover thing that's basically a tight metal coil that rips your hair out and as you can imagine it hurts big time. I had already had my two glasses of wine but I told myself I wanted to drink one more so I didn't feel the pain of ripping out my mustache with this torture device (lol sorry, so sorry). By the time I finished the third it was on. I think I had one more glassful, like full to the brim, and then I came here. I can rationalize curiosity, social stuff, but not getting wasted on a worknight all by myself. Normal drinkers do not do that. Period. There is no way to rationalize that one.
So in a sense things HAVE changed - I'm honest with myself and I recognize that this isn't working. The experiment has failed. And I'm really grateful for that knowledge. Like I said in a post, a while back this could have turned into god knows how long of a relapse and stirred up all sorts of trouble. As it is, I'm sort of disappointed that the chemical wins... but really happy that I know for sure now. I had never tried seriously to moderate in the past so it was always a big question in my mind. Curiosity satisfied, lesson learned, no harm done really (except for sending D a bunch of weepy and ridiculous PMs last night. That poor guy, lol! Patience of a saint). It feels peaceful to really know that I can't drink, sort of like how making the big plan or statement or whatever felt for a few days. Only now I know it's not just because TU said so
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hey GFSO,
I too relapsed after more than a year sober - thought I could drink normally again. It's a lesson some of us seem to learn the hard way. Now I am much more comfortable with the idea of life-long abstinence.
Don't beat yourself up too much. Today is a new day, and you've learned something important recently.
I too relapsed after more than a year sober - thought I could drink normally again. It's a lesson some of us seem to learn the hard way. Now I am much more comfortable with the idea of life-long abstinence.
Don't beat yourself up too much. Today is a new day, and you've learned something important recently.
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