Domestic violence and alcohol
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
" My responsibility is to remain in my right mind". What a solid statement. Thanks soberlicious.
This will be my mantra for the upcoming weekend when certain "challenging" family members will be visiting.
This will be my mantra for the upcoming weekend when certain "challenging" family members will be visiting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Weasel1966 
The relationship between alcohol and domestic violence is complicated. But let's get one thing certain from the get go.
Alcohol does not cause domestic violence. The abuser does.
I plan on writing several follow up posts to this one as I wade through the emotions of having been through a painful and traumatic episode that left me in the hospital and my life at a crossroads.
Sharing this is important for me to keep a sense of stability through feedback when I have few sounding boards. I find I lose level many times during the day. Going from its ok to this did not happen to oh my god what do I do?
I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. I got use to being punched in the stomach while laying in my bed. Being told I am worthless daily. But that was a time when he, the abuser, wanted to control or demean me. It was not a relationship on equal footing. It was an abuse of parental rights.
What happened to me last week is not that kind of abuse. It was something that has been building through a couples continued abuse of drugs and alcohol. Physical contact was new as of only a few months ago.
We had been on a three day drug and drinking binge. I first think that this is starting to justify the event. No. No it's not. I have had month binges where violence never occurred. But my mind still blames me. My heart does not.
That's a powerful struggle. Blame. Who, why, how come it came to this?
Can he take it back?
No. It cannot be undone. I must now move through it. And the thing that strikes me most, of all the wild emotions, is I don't want to.
I don't want it to be taken back.
Nothing in my life has put an exclamation point on our addictions like this has. Nothing has stopped me in my tracks. Not crack Christmases. Not getting drunk and doing shameful things. None of the sexual escapades. Not the three attempts at rehab. Nothing has said stop.
Until last Sunday.
This is not a transient relationship. It's long established, almost 19 years and always focused on what's next. Only what's next the last ten years changed into how much is next.
Our personal choices blended into one huge addiction. Nothing is discernable from the other. Even up to the event I swore I was recovering. But no one in recovery is bingeing on coke and voldka like we were.
I will be honest. I want the love of my life back. I want our warm times and laughs back. I want to feel safe again. I want to forget this happened.
People here say they learned to live life on life's terms. I heard it. I say oh yeah... I know what they mean. Well.... Life on life's terms means I can have all the wants in the world. I have to accept I don't get the wants. I get what is.
We have had many emotional drawn out talks but each time I put an end to the what will happen to us questions and declarations. This is way way past the us mark. This has to be the me mark and only the me mark.
I stop them because I will not lose focus. My mind has become keenly aware of only one thing. How do do I fix myself?
I saw all along the depth of my addictions. But I never really....in my heart of hearts... Thought anything was "wrong" with me. But oh man.... There is.
Night and day. My whole system has been shocked by this. Like I flatlined and had one of those godly experiences.
I don't know what the steps after next are. I only know today and maybe part of tomorrow. I will waste nothing on anything more than that. I cannot afford the energy.
This much I know. Alcohol will lead me to terrible things if I don't see it for what it is.
I have not until this point been respectful enough of its power.
Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. Even when drunk and high.
The thought of drinking terrifies me.
Alcohol does not cause domestic violence. The abuser does.
I plan on writing several follow up posts to this one as I wade through the emotions of having been through a painful and traumatic episode that left me in the hospital and my life at a crossroads.
Sharing this is important for me to keep a sense of stability through feedback when I have few sounding boards. I find I lose level many times during the day. Going from its ok to this did not happen to oh my god what do I do?
I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. I got use to being punched in the stomach while laying in my bed. Being told I am worthless daily. But that was a time when he, the abuser, wanted to control or demean me. It was not a relationship on equal footing. It was an abuse of parental rights.
What happened to me last week is not that kind of abuse. It was something that has been building through a couples continued abuse of drugs and alcohol. Physical contact was new as of only a few months ago.
We had been on a three day drug and drinking binge. I first think that this is starting to justify the event. No. No it's not. I have had month binges where violence never occurred. But my mind still blames me. My heart does not.
That's a powerful struggle. Blame. Who, why, how come it came to this?
Can he take it back?
No. It cannot be undone. I must now move through it. And the thing that strikes me most, of all the wild emotions, is I don't want to.
I don't want it to be taken back.
Nothing in my life has put an exclamation point on our addictions like this has. Nothing has stopped me in my tracks. Not crack Christmases. Not getting drunk and doing shameful things. None of the sexual escapades. Not the three attempts at rehab. Nothing has said stop.
Until last Sunday.
This is not a transient relationship. It's long established, almost 19 years and always focused on what's next. Only what's next the last ten years changed into how much is next.
Our personal choices blended into one huge addiction. Nothing is discernable from the other. Even up to the event I swore I was recovering. But no one in recovery is bingeing on coke and voldka like we were.
I will be honest. I want the love of my life back. I want our warm times and laughs back. I want to feel safe again. I want to forget this happened.
People here say they learned to live life on life's terms. I heard it. I say oh yeah... I know what they mean. Well.... Life on life's terms means I can have all the wants in the world. I have to accept I don't get the wants. I get what is.
We have had many emotional drawn out talks but each time I put an end to the what will happen to us questions and declarations. This is way way past the us mark. This has to be the me mark and only the me mark.
I stop them because I will not lose focus. My mind has become keenly aware of only one thing. How do do I fix myself?
I saw all along the depth of my addictions. But I never really....in my heart of hearts... Thought anything was "wrong" with me. But oh man.... There is.
Night and day. My whole system has been shocked by this. Like I flatlined and had one of those godly experiences.
I don't know what the steps after next are. I only know today and maybe part of tomorrow. I will waste nothing on anything more than that. I cannot afford the energy.
This much I know. Alcohol will lead me to terrible things if I don't see it for what it is.
I have not until this point been respectful enough of its power.
Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. Even when drunk and high.
The thought of drinking terrifies me.
The part here that I highlighted is what I am seeing that you mostly want to talk about. I could be wrong about that though.
I was also in an abusive relationship. Physical violence usually does not just happen. Before abuse becomes physical, there is almost always verbal and emotional abuse. Those were the times that bought me down so low, that I actually thought I deserved it, "why would someone who loves me say these things to me", to where " I guess it must be true". It wears you down so much, that you begin to think you deserve it, and you are the first one there giving the other person excuses for their behavior.
Then the abuse stops for awhile, everything gets better, and you finally got the love back that you wanted. So you want to forget about what you just went through, and you start to try your hardest to make sure that you do everything right, so that it doesn't happen again.
But it does, and it happens again, and again.
Abuse is not a one-time thing. Anyone can act in an abusive way, but still not be abusive. I have called my ex names, and I have hit him, when he would call me a biotch. I don't believe that I am abusive, but I did act abusively.
Abuse is when it becomes a pattern of behavior.
After the pattern is established, the person that is being abused, has been in denial of this for so long already, that they are willing to just take "crumbs". You just want that return to closeness, somewhat like "Stockholm Syndrome". The person that is hurting you the most, is the person that you turn to for trust and understanding.
Before I go on and on, just let me know if this is what you are looking for, so that you can try to make sense of your emotions.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Ken, I'm glad you're so committed to staying sober still! If this situation cemented that and helps you remain strong then something good will come from something bad.
The word permanent in relation to sobriety scares me too but I think in this case it's the only way to end up with a resolution that keeps the two of you together as a couple. If you feel that you don't know what will happen if there is a relapse (and that's counting on both of you not relapsing) that's a red flag.
The word permanent in relation to sobriety scares me too but I think in this case it's the only way to end up with a resolution that keeps the two of you together as a couple. If you feel that you don't know what will happen if there is a relapse (and that's counting on both of you not relapsing) that's a red flag.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
UPDATE.....
It has been on my mind every day for the last 256 days. I look at the pictures every now and then and think what a different person that is.
My partner and I are still together for now but I see life, him, me in a very different way. He has never hit me since and he has been remorseful and tries hard to win back what was lost that day.
There is no way to win back that kind of trust. I intellectually know what I feel but my heart fails to feel it.
Have I moved through the emotions? Not fully I know that much. I go through periods of real sadness. Mourning the event.
I went back to drinking for a while after this post. I can tell you I felt like I betrayed myself and gave approval to the event. But that's what being an alcoholic is. A self betrayal.
I have gained stability in my drinking and drug use. Overall I am doing well. I feel like I have some more steps to go. Always willing to learn something from everything.
This was a lesson I did not want to learn. It will never repeat itself but then again it doesn't have to. This lesson will have a before and after. A tectonic shift in my life.
I have come to be grateful for the bad and the good in my life. This will only serve me well if I make it so.
That I am doing.
I was very touched by reading this thread again with this set of eyes. Thank you for such love and support.
I continue to heal.
K
It has been on my mind every day for the last 256 days. I look at the pictures every now and then and think what a different person that is.
My partner and I are still together for now but I see life, him, me in a very different way. He has never hit me since and he has been remorseful and tries hard to win back what was lost that day.
There is no way to win back that kind of trust. I intellectually know what I feel but my heart fails to feel it.
Have I moved through the emotions? Not fully I know that much. I go through periods of real sadness. Mourning the event.
I went back to drinking for a while after this post. I can tell you I felt like I betrayed myself and gave approval to the event. But that's what being an alcoholic is. A self betrayal.
I have gained stability in my drinking and drug use. Overall I am doing well. I feel like I have some more steps to go. Always willing to learn something from everything.
This was a lesson I did not want to learn. It will never repeat itself but then again it doesn't have to. This lesson will have a before and after. A tectonic shift in my life.
I have come to be grateful for the bad and the good in my life. This will only serve me well if I make it so.
That I am doing.
I was very touched by reading this thread again with this set of eyes. Thank you for such love and support.
I continue to heal.
K
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