Weasel1966

Rainy... If you misinterpreted my disbelief in what I did the day after while trying to tell what happened as making light of it then you did not understand.

I made light of nothing. I have also come to find out I was lied to as I don't remember hitting the cop. I never actually punched him.

Agree... Violence on any level is wrong.

K

Fandy

you and your partner have been together a long time, 19 years?....you have a lot to sort out, just like any marriage. i hope you protect your assets and what you have put into the the home/relationship monetarily.

take your time and protect yourself always. :ghug3

LDT

Ken, did someone tell you that you hit a cop...... and you really didn't? ( incredible.... shaking my head).

Weasel1966

My partner told me that. I think he was in the midst of a bunch of lies about it. He wanted to put something on me. In fact he lied to police telling them I fell.

He admitted that he was not sure about me hitting the cop.

The fact is he hit me when I was not able to defend myself.

Pondlady

......and there you have it........

terribob

The booze doesn't cause the abuse but it certainly doesn't help. I got very angry while drinking and I am not an angry or violent person normally. If the drinking stops and the abuse doesn't then you know you have a problem. Someone can only have so many chances, and if it is abuse one might be enough.

Fandy

You don't hit people you love and respect, period.
Do you think he wanted to spread the guilt around? Cast a shadow of doubt? Avoid being arrested for flipping assault?
Sigh.

Weasel1966

He panicked. I should have thought through it but I was shaken. If I hit a cop like he said it would not have just been overlooked.

oakwood

That's very true. I've been reading your posts lately. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I do think you'll find a way forward.

Fandy

Of course he panicked, he was covering his cowardly a$$!
he should have been arrested for beating you, breaking your nose and fracturing your eye! You could have lost your sight out of this "panic"
Ok i will be quiet, but hurting someone who can't defend themselves, that you are partnered with?
I hope karma comes and kicks him when he is down one day.

Weasel1966

Fandy.... I agree he was cowardly in the lies....

But on SR this is about me... Only me. I will not comment on him since he is not here speaking for himself. I will share what I feel and what he did to me.

But your passion is appreciated.

pipparina

Ken,

You have a lot to sort through, a lot to heal from. And your main task of staying sober while doing so.

There is a somewhat hokey expression in AA that comes to mind. "do the next right thing". Maybe keeping it a simple as that will help you through all this. You've been through some serious emotional and physical trauma. Take it easy on any big decisions while you heal. Unless of course you feel you are in physical danger. That's a big red flag.

My thoughts are with you. The after effects of these binges are just shattering. It takes time to put the pieces together again, seeing which ones still fit

renaldo

Weasel1966,

I'm sorry about your upbringing. That sucks.

For me, any abusive language and certainly physical violence is a deal breaker. I live in a household where there is a couple and the husband is the archetypal no good bum. She works her butt off as a waitress... 12 hours a day sometimes, and he just sits on his butt, drinks, smokes pot, grows and deals pot. She puts up with it because she's a pothead and wants a continual supply.

I didn't sign up for this. They moved in after I did and live in the front of the house. There is no communal doorway, so I avoid them like the plague. When they drink, it really gets out of hand. He screams obscenities at her.

He blames his inability to work on a back injury from a drunk driving incident at least 10 years ago. And yet he plays frisbee?!?

I feel so sorry for his wife. It's a classic co-dependent situation, but she's no fun to be around either. They use the "f" word a lot and that gets so tiresome. The walls are wafer thin and I hear their "discussions" in crystal clarity.

The twist is that I hear them lavishing love on their dog, saying "I love you!" I've never heard them say that to one another. But there has been more than one occasion when I've heard them say, "I f...in' hate you."

Maybe I'm a prude. No one has ever said, "I hate you" to me. I would consider that a deal breaker.

FreeFall

Ken, I can see where you're fearful about ending such a long relationship that in the past had been uplifting, positive, and made you feel safe and loved. That's not easy to find, especially after a traumatic childhood where you weren't protected and nurtured. The only way I can see anything changing for the better is if you both quit the addictions permanently and if he got anger management counseling. Perhaps if you were both sober it might work again someday in the future. For now, it's probably best for both of you to separate and work on your own journeys.

You were doing very well in your recovery efforts-don't throw away the progress you've already made and what you've learned. Yes, it was a big set back, but it is not a permanent one. I wondered why nothing had happened if you hit the cop-glad you found out you didn't. It sounds like your partner is fearful as well. Maybe he's afraid you'll leave him as you get stronger so he did something to intimidate and control you. Maybe he's realizing you can recover and he feels he can't? Like others have said, it's a deal breaker, no matter what his reasons were.

When in doubt...
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

We're here, hang in there

Jeni26

Thinking of you x

rainyengland

Hi - that is good to know :-) - I wish you all the best with your recovery , good luck and be strong

Weasel1966

Free Fall.... you said it sooo right. We do / did have so much more than every other couple I have seen. Drugs and alcohol took that away. We let it slip away. So the result is we need to be on our own to put the healing and focus where it belongs.

Buying a new car today. Maybe a middle aged red car!

One thing you have wrong is that this is a set back in my sobriety. Thats not true. This is a huge step forward. Like I was picked up and moved by a hand bigger than mine. My eyes have been opened.

We must live together for a time until things get worked out. As was said 19 years is a lot. Until then we are adjusting. Even our routines. The send off to work ... the greetings when we arrive. the little things a couple does. cannot live together and not be together and still have the small intimacies.

Its an adjustment. One that had my face not still been discolored could easily be forgotten or overlooked. Pretend it never happened. But it did.

I put all this at the feet of my HP. I dont speak much here of that because thats not what this is for IMO. But for this I have. I know when things are bigger than me sometimes. This is one.

I have a very busy day 9 sober.

K

Weasel1966

Oh yeah.... one more thing... "Give up the addictions permanently?"

We are all here trying to do that very thing. I know I am not perfect. While i dont plan on relapsing that is a real possibility as I go forward. If we did give them up and slipped one night... I cannot be sure the result. If its not all in my favor then none of it is in my favor.

Ya know what I mean?

Fandy

I think it could be a possibility for anyone.

soberlicious

This is correct.

But alcohol and drugs can fuel emotions that would have been "anger"...into uncontrollable rage.

I have been physically assaulted and I have assaulted partners in a drunken rage. I have hit, kicked, spit, and bitten. I have done things I don't remember. Does that mean my behavior is excused? No. Never. But, I have never exhibited those behaviors otherwise. My responsibility is to remain in my right mind. At all times. There are times I have quite literally lost my mind due to drinking/using...I will never do that again. If I do, I am inviting loss of control, or putting myself in a position where I am unable to protect myself. If I do, I cannot ensure my safety or the safety of the people I love.

I don't know how or if this can be resolved. I do know that 19 years is a long time. Sometimes intense therapy can help people overcome trauma, sometimes not. Either way, I hope you find peace.