Timebuster

Today I feel pretty good I have eight days clean today. Feelings are starting to come up and am trying to sort them out. Im thinking about my past and I remember the eleven years of sobriety I had under my belt. Nothing bothered me, I didnt live in fear, I had no resentments, I wasn’t angry at anyone I had a very loving higher power in my life. I was working the program. I had friends who where in recovery. Friends that I could trust, recovering addicts that when you needed to talk to them they were there, it didnt matter if it was three in the morning or three in afternoon they were there. I was in a relationship in sobriety for two years, and it didnt work out and I move on. I made the conscience decision to leave because I did not want to put my sobriety in jeopardy. Certain things happen, I got in to a relationship that I had no business in, I moved out of state. I lost touch with my friends. Little by little the destructive behavior started to return. I started carrying resentment, I was full of anger and I started to justified and rationalized eveything around me. The disease is starting to catch up with me and I ignored the signs. Once I started using there was no turning back. I lived to used and used to live. For three years I suffered with this disease. For three years I was in complete denial. I lied, cheated and stole, I degraded myself right in front of my own eyes. Enough is enough. Today I have eight days clean I don‘t know what‘s going to happen tomorrow, all I can say is I have today.

True Blue

Hello Timebuster,

Thanks for sharing that with us. Everyone that I have seen go back out all say the same thing you just said. So hopefully & with alot of prayers you just saved a bunch of us a slip. Work the program is the message.


"For three years I suffered with this disease. For three years I was in complete denial. I lied, cheated and stole, I degraded myself right in front of my own eyes."

I could have written what you just wrote except for the # of years. So glad you are getting back in touch with the real you. My prayers are with you.

Congrats on your clean time.

amandaleepiscea

Boy... it is said that our substance abuse is only one manifestation of our disease... sure, a BIG one... the one that we need to keep VERY up front because it is most often the one that brings us down to our knees - or lower - and forces us to admit our powerlessness over the disease as a whole...

But what I have come to believe is at the very core of my disease is my desire not to FEEL... So getting in touch with feelings is pretty hard work for me. I admire you for being so willing to sit with them, because that can be a really difficult thing to do. When I was in active addiction and started having unpleasant (so I thought) feelings, the first thing I reached for was a drug or a drink. Once I stopped using (in that form) I found that substitution is a pretty amazing tool for my addiction to use to STILL try to avoid my feelings. It very often takes another person in recovery to pull me up on my own stuff and show me that I am doing it... with WHATEVER!

With relationships... with food... with reading obsessively... with exercising... with spending money (that I often DON'T have!)...

I heard you with the part about once you started using there was no turning back. I often hear people say that by the time they used, they had been in their relapse for some time already. Hang in there. YOu are blessed to know what is in store for you on some levels if you can keep putting one day after the next. You have been there and you didn't LOSE any of it - so I guess you start new but take with you what worked before, just like we do each time we listen to others share with us... we take what works and forget the rest!

you are cared for... amandalee

Dan

Great share Timebuster. You remind me how easy it would be for me to just go back to old behaviors despite all my best intentions to stay stopped. Doesn't take much of a letting down of the guard and poof! Back in the belly of the beast. I've never had much clean time until now and I don't know much about relapse. I just try to remember what I learned in rehab. The disease inside never stops growing. By not using or drinking, I simply put it to sleep. It still grows, even at rest. Should I ever decide to wake it up again, I might die. Thank god for Today.

DD

Anna

Hi Timebuster,

I think your post reminds all of us, once again, how easy it is to fall back into old habits. And, that it takes a lot of work, every day, to stay sober. I know, for me, when the negative thought patterns set in, I have to stop them. Sometimes, I just want to go with it, but I can't, because it will lead me straight to drinking. I'm glad you have 8 sober days and you're feeling good. Keep posting.

Love, Anna

In memory of miracle

((((((((Timebuster)))))))) 8 days back!!! Congradulations! I dont think I haveto tell you each one is precious...look back when you haveto, but dont stare..prayers to you!!! Trish.

Alice Wonder

you are doing great Timebuster !!! I had many years sober before this last derailment. I now have six months and it is like riding a bike in one sense. you have the benefit of experience in sobriety and you know the drill. it feels familiar and comfortable like a sweater you forgot you had and really liked. I had to say a fond farewell to alcohol and drugs again. I love drugs and alcohol and I hate drugs and alcohol. I love myself more!!! SO....Good bye "Johnny Walker Black" hello "Shirely Temple"-Black!!!! hehehe
you will do this because you have it in you to do it. love-alice

Soberwolf

This post is so useful

KateL

I have found to feel can be hard from time to time but you have to feel the bad times to feel the good which are exhilarating. And I wouldn't trade that for anything - especially not for a delusional sense of calm that drink gives you for about five minutes. Big congrats xx