want2st0p
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
want2st0p
My title says it all- I WANT TO STOP.
I got into coke around Feb 2012 and have been taking 1-2g a week since then. The longest I've gone w/out it is 1.5months. My body has been clean for a total of 2.5 months this year so far. This is including mollies, x, vicodin, adderall. The reason I started to use was because it was fun and I liked how my apetite was suppressed. I've had an eating disorder since high school so I know the reason why I still take it now is because it helps me with my weight and/or helps me forget about how unhappy I am with myself. I tell myself that I'm not a full-blown addict and can cut quit cold turkey because of the following: I don't do more than 2 g a week, I still have my job, pay all my bills, haven't isolated myself completely. Am I in denial? Do I need rehab? I don't think so. Isn't rehab for people who do 1g everyday?
My 2nd attempt of quitting started Nov but I slipped. I had cut out all my connections but kept one at the back of my pocket for "just in case" moments. How foolish of me. I went out of my way to pick it up- it was raining and I was about to sleep but he texted me. I got excited and asked if I could come pick it up within the next hour. He said yes and I got it.
It was a thrill. I had been clean for 1.5 mths and here I was about to have more. "Just one more time," I said. I finished a g w/in a day and did more today.
Here I am sitting in my bed, feeling so depressed and filled w/anxiety. My last line was a few hours ago in my car. I kept telling myself that this isn't normal and I'm not doing well. I'm F*ked up big time. Who the hell does lines in their car ALONE?
I cried and prayed and prayed to God that he would help me flush out the rest. I'm tired of this....that's what I said last time and here I am again. I flushed it all and I just want my anxiety to lessen and this cloudiness to be lifted. My depression is worsening and I feel hopeless. I just want to stop.
Tomorrow is a new day- Day 1....let me try this again.
I got into coke around Feb 2012 and have been taking 1-2g a week since then. The longest I've gone w/out it is 1.5months. My body has been clean for a total of 2.5 months this year so far. This is including mollies, x, vicodin, adderall. The reason I started to use was because it was fun and I liked how my apetite was suppressed. I've had an eating disorder since high school so I know the reason why I still take it now is because it helps me with my weight and/or helps me forget about how unhappy I am with myself. I tell myself that I'm not a full-blown addict and can cut quit cold turkey because of the following: I don't do more than 2 g a week, I still have my job, pay all my bills, haven't isolated myself completely. Am I in denial? Do I need rehab? I don't think so. Isn't rehab for people who do 1g everyday?
My 2nd attempt of quitting started Nov but I slipped. I had cut out all my connections but kept one at the back of my pocket for "just in case" moments. How foolish of me. I went out of my way to pick it up- it was raining and I was about to sleep but he texted me. I got excited and asked if I could come pick it up within the next hour. He said yes and I got it.
It was a thrill. I had been clean for 1.5 mths and here I was about to have more. "Just one more time," I said. I finished a g w/in a day and did more today.
Here I am sitting in my bed, feeling so depressed and filled w/anxiety. My last line was a few hours ago in my car. I kept telling myself that this isn't normal and I'm not doing well. I'm F*ked up big time. Who the hell does lines in their car ALONE?
I cried and prayed and prayed to God that he would help me flush out the rest. I'm tired of this....that's what I said last time and here I am again. I flushed it all and I just want my anxiety to lessen and this cloudiness to be lifted. My depression is worsening and I feel hopeless. I just want to stop.
Tomorrow is a new day- Day 1....let me try this again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 303
Nice to meet you and welcome. I have not done drugs before but do suffer from addiction to alcohol and know how important it is to come onto a forum and let it all out. Feels good does't it? You will find lots of support here and I wish you all the best in health and happiness.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome want2stop!
I think any time we return to using or drinking despite our best intentions, it's already causing problems. It's really good that you're addressing this now since addictions only get worse over time.
There are lots of options out there: addiction specialists, rehab, NarAnon, counseling, and a variety of recovery programs (and this forum, of course!). Most of us need help/support to stay sober.
Glad you're here - (also check out our substance abuse forum
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I think any time we return to using or drinking despite our best intentions, it's already causing problems. It's really good that you're addressing this now since addictions only get worse over time.
There are lots of options out there: addiction specialists, rehab, NarAnon, counseling, and a variety of recovery programs (and this forum, of course!). Most of us need help/support to stay sober.
Glad you're here - (also check out our substance abuse forum
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Hi there, welcome. I've been exactly where you are. So to answer your questions- who does lines alone in their car? Well- you do, I did. Addicts do.
How active is your eating disorder behavior? Actively restricting or binging/purging while using coke in ANY amount (and/or alcohol) is a serious threat to your heart.
It sounds like you want a change. This is a good place to come for support for that. I'm unclear about your whole story with the blow, and how long you've been at it. I don't even remember how many "grams/day grams/week" I blew through- it was more than enough by the day I gave it up. It was enough to feel chained to hopeless anxiety and depression, flare ups, isolation, etc. I also suffered from an eating disorder and my coke addiction was very rooted in part in those issues. These things are always related and cannot be dealt with separately with a lot of success, from my experience.
Some find that 12 step programs are helpful, or inpatient programs. Some find that therapy helps along with support from a community like this one. With a pretty solid understanding of eating disorders and addiction, I'd recommend that you find someone to talk with while you're navigating kicking this demon.
My very best to you. I hope you can find a place where you can take deep breaths and remember that place of peace, so that it can carry you through the initial difficulty of taking on these demons. You are very brave.
Feel free to private message me if you like.
How active is your eating disorder behavior? Actively restricting or binging/purging while using coke in ANY amount (and/or alcohol) is a serious threat to your heart.
It sounds like you want a change. This is a good place to come for support for that. I'm unclear about your whole story with the blow, and how long you've been at it. I don't even remember how many "grams/day grams/week" I blew through- it was more than enough by the day I gave it up. It was enough to feel chained to hopeless anxiety and depression, flare ups, isolation, etc. I also suffered from an eating disorder and my coke addiction was very rooted in part in those issues. These things are always related and cannot be dealt with separately with a lot of success, from my experience.
Some find that 12 step programs are helpful, or inpatient programs. Some find that therapy helps along with support from a community like this one. With a pretty solid understanding of eating disorders and addiction, I'd recommend that you find someone to talk with while you're navigating kicking this demon.
My very best to you. I hope you can find a place where you can take deep breaths and remember that place of peace, so that it can carry you through the initial difficulty of taking on these demons. You are very brave.
Feel free to private message me if you like.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 2
thanks all
Hi all, thank you for your nice comments. I feel so much better now. I took 5-htp, drank some hot tea, and i feel less depressed and less anxious. Writing really does help. After I wrote my post, I emailed a close friend of mine about how I've been doing. I think I might start my own blog I bought a detox spray from whole foods and will use it tonight and start again tomorrow. one day at a time
I bought a detox spray from whole foods and will use it tonight and start again tomorrow. one day at a time
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