Dee74

There are many people here who have spouses or loved ones who were drinking partners but who still made it into recovery

I think it's like I said before - if people really love you, they'll want whats best for you and they'll go with it - even if they can't fully understand it or share in it.

D

Natom

I got bored of the voices in my head so I climbed in there and beat the crap out of them with a copy of the NA basic text and then laughed when they didn't get back up.

Natom.

Anna

This is exactly how I felt, exactly.

You can make the changes you need in your life if you are motivated, and I think motivation matters more than anything else. You might be surprised that you start to feel better. I did. The self-loathing goes away and peace and acceptance replace it.

courage2

i will continually try to be better with and for myself and you people on SR. Maybe if I get better (much) I'll be able to tell you more about myself. It would be nice to think of us growing to know one another, but only in truth, not in lies.

hypochondriac

I felt the same way, I still do in a way. It feels like quite a hurdle to jump over. But the fact is I didn't want to kill myself from drinking. Part of me wanted to die and the other part of me was totally freaking out about what I was doing to myself. Fact is if we really wanted to die we'd choose a more effective method, not the slow painful, humiliating death alcohol can give us.

Regarding being a drunk...everybody has the ability to change, but for some of us it requires more effort. Find out what you need to do to make changes and get the support you need. It isn't who you are it's just something you do. It really is a leap of faith. There will be times when things don't look too bright but you have to trust things will get better. I hope you find the help and support you need soon x

FreeFall

Courage, you are not alone, and you have a lot of support and guidance here if you want it. You don't sound like someone that wants to die, you sound like someone who wants control over their life. I have read some pretty graphic descriptions here on SR of people who have died due to drinking and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Try to imagine life with a partner that wanted the best for you, not someone that just wants to drink with you. You might find that if you find sobriety. Your current partner may surprise you and try to quit along with you, you never know. I think anyone who has had a hard past has a hard time imagining a positive future but it can happen.

No one can give you an easy answer-there isn't one. Changing your life requires hard work and it's so worth it. I wish you the best of luck!

pattyj

The best thing for you to do is to not drink today. Making amends with people that you have hurt or lied to in the past comes with time. All of that hurt you caused was the disease talking and controling you. That wasn't you. People will come around.
The simple answer is: don't drink today. Don't worry about the future, just don't do it today. When you wake up in the morning tomorrow make your goal to not drink today, again. That is my goal every morning.
I hope that helps. Focus on it hour by hour, day by day, whatever works for you.

wpainterw

The answer, if there is one, is by no means "easy". I've been told that that "voice" you refer to comes from the most primitive part of the brain, the seat of child like emotions, needs and fears. Addiction to anything, booze or something else, changes the body chemistry and physiology so as to "adapt" to the foreign substance. When that substance is withdrawn or its supply reduced, the primitive part of the brain starts sending messages to the more "rational" or at least conscious brain areas, essentially trying to trick the brain into authorizing more alcohol or whatever it "needs". So to get into recovery you have to get control of a divided self. That's not easy. But there are ways to do it. Some try AA, others Rational Recovery (AVRT), some just try counseling. I made do with only the latter for years and it didn't work. AA got a better result (24 years) but I was by no means a conventional AA follower. All I can say is look around and see what works best for you. Good luck.

W.

instant

The answer is easy. It's the doing that is the hard part.

the people of SR are testament to the reality that it can be done

hamabi

You've noticed that the thoughts you have about why it's a good idea to drink don't make much sense. It does get hard to believe them for the time it takes to get the first drink down, and often afterwards we can see how crazy they were.

At this point these thoughts are telling you that dying from drink is perfectly fine and that it's nothing to get too concerned with. The sane part of your mind sees the foolishness of that at the same time the sick part believes there is some truth there.

So you're spending a lot of time confused and with little lasting clarity about what's really so.

My understanding what you mean from going through it myself does you little good, actually none at all. But, I offer it so you understand that you are understood here.

You might consider some demanding actions to begin to recover, as that can alter slowly what you're experiencing. Doing nothing or just deciding again what you decided before is another option, but one that did nothing for me over the long term.

Michael66

Keeping you in prayer Courage.

By far the most difficult step for me was making the decision that I really wanted to give up and embrace life-long sobriety. It's still quite early days for me (nine months) but I have no doubt that was one of the best decisions I ever made. I now find it hard to see why it was such a very difficult decision, but I remember that it was.

Look after yourself - you are precious.

Jeni26

Courage-this time last year I was suicidal. I'm not sure I actually wanted to die, I just didnt care if I lived. I was actively planning how to do it and was stockpiling meds.... It honestly makes me shudder now to think about it.
I too had a relationship that was bound up in alcohol. My husband and all my circle of friends, and most of my extended family also had/have alcohol dependency issues.
I was beyond miserable. On anti-depressants and off work for a month with stress.
I couldn't see a way out.
It honestly can be done. Not easy but definitely possible.
At Christmas this year I will be 7 months sober.
My new life is just beginning in lots of ways. I laugh. I see the joy in life. I cope with stress in new ways.
If you really want to quit, if you will do anything to stay sober, you will do it.
Have faith. It's worth it x

dedubya

Hey Courage.
Believe me please.
It gets real physical real uglyif you keep it going. Right now for me its crazy physical and mental, please know that. It goes from mental to physical that you may not believe. your mind will tell you to drink to stop physical pain,not the original plan when you took your first drink, right?
Hope you are good.
Dub