izalena

I'm 32 yr old women, have been addicted to heroin for the last 9 yrs. i have done 2 therapies and have gone to over 10 detoxes in the last three years and have succeeded upon getting clean for a while but never for long cause i would never really change my situation or make the sacrifices required to stay clean... but after completion of my last therapy a year and half ago and staying clean for 4 months, my bf past from an overdose i found him in our bathtub and instead of continuation on the right track, i relapsed, its weird cause i would of thought that that would motivate me to stay clean but instead i felt devastated and i used heroin to fill the emptiness once more and that relapse lasted 3 months of extreme usage. at that time i had moved back at my moms house and i couldn't burst her bubble she really thought that i was cured, if only she knew i think she wouldnt be able to handle the reality of things. so after fighting this addiction head on for the last 3 years i had kind of lost hope and was exhausted from all the detoxes so i had the great idea of getting back on methadone which i had tried once before without being successful. i was then using h and methadone. But i don't know why it seemed like a solution at that time, i knew what methadone would be like and i was well aware that it was a crutch, i guess i didn't want my parents to lose hope and i figured that while i was on the treatment id be able to really dive in head first and find out the reasons and would work on myself as i would be weening off slowly. With the help of meetings and good friends i have been 10 months clean off of heroin. i have relapsed once in the last year and a half for a day. the reason being was that i had missed an dr appointment on a friday so i had no methadone for 2 days... but for me i still see it as a miracle that i had not been using for so long...but i have an issue with being on synthetic opiates and doing meetings, i feel hypocritical and i have a hard time accepting my reality... its hard to recover when youre still high and yeah most people on methadone would say that there isnt a high... but thats bs, they will only realize it once they lower their doses.... So last month i was on 95mg and i was in my dr office and i was expressing my predicament so he lowered my dose of 10 mg the first week and the following week aswell. the third week he lowered it to 50 mg a day and offered me to take one last dose on a sunday and withdraw for 3 days to be able to switch to suboxone. its suppose to be easier to ween yourself off of it. so this is where im at ive been on that med for 5 days now and i feel like dying, i dont feel like myself anymore, i feel a depersonalization happening. I have major panic attacks. my muscles are aching, my vision is blurred, ive got muscles spasms. My head physically hurts aswell as psychologically... i feel soo depressed. I'm losing hope!! HELP!!!

tabasco

Hi,
I hope you feel better soon. Best wishes,

D104

Hi Izalena,
My ex was addicted to Heroin for years and from what I saw the withdrawals were horrible so my heart goes out to you. I myself have a problem with drinking and have, at times, felt totally hopeless and physically in pain, both when drinking and when not.
Keep posting on here and if you have gone 5 days on the meds that are designed to ween you off, you can go another 5 days right? And another? And try to remember the pain and feeling of depression does'nt last.
stay strong. You should feel proud that you are TRYING to change your life for the better.

Anna

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you right now. Can you contact your dr and get some advice from him? I have no experience with these drugs, but I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

artsoul

Welcome izalena -

I hope you can talk to your doctor right away and get some help. You'll find lots of support as well in our substance abuse forum:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Hang in there and take care of yourself (keep things as low key as possible). Come back and tell us how you're doing, too, OK?:ghug3

dedubya

Hi my Friend
my daughter and son were shooting oxy and H for a few yrs. Heartbreaking for me however I kind of know something here that helps. They are 100% clean now. They both go to NA meetings, what happened there was they made some awesome friends they didnt expect to meet. They even meet outside of NA meetings regularly. You may be surprised, just go and sit, and dont say anything if you dont want to. Everyone is there for the same reason Iza, just take a shot.
Best
Dub

izalena

Hi guys, thank you so much for all your support, Dedubya i have been going to meetings but i have been going to aa and ca.. perhaps i would be better off going to na so i could identify better and meet people that are going through the same things or similar as i have...its hard to feel like no one quite understands what you are going through... thanks for your words of encouragement.

and D104 has your ex succeeded?

Thanks Anna and artsoul i will look at that board.

I'm going to try to stuck through it... today i have been reading the big book and another book on praying and it has helped.

dedubya

That stuff does help Iza. Actually my kiddos go to AA sometimes to switch it up. Just be yourself, no expectations are there from my experience except wanting to quit addiction- thats it. Hope you are good.
Dub

wpainterw

This sounds to me like a medical problem for the doctors. If it were I, I would take these symptoms back to the doctor and follow the best medical advice I could get as to how to taper off these meds safely and, if necessary, gradually. I gather that this is possible (you've stayed clean for quite awhile until you relapsed). But needless to say it takes guts, determination and help from others. Good luck.

W.

D104

I am not sure if my ex succeeded sorry to say. He had to move interstate to get away from the temptation. We lost touch after awhile, but I do like to think he did succeed and is living an awesome happy drug free life nowadays, as he was really happy for the last few months that we remained in contact.
No one deserves a life controlled by any substance, be it H, oxy, booze, prescription meds, anything.