TheLostXanadu

It's really weird.

Part of me thinks about how I got nothing done besides ruin my health and drain my bank account and perpetuate my depression and lower my cumulative GPA and hang out with losers.

Another part of me gets very nostalgic when he thinks about ordering pitcher after pitcher at the bar, going to bathroom to do a line of coke off the toilet paper dispenser, coming back and slamming pints of beer with complete self-assurance, confidence, optimism, spontaneity, etc. I would totally relive those days if I could, and I'm totally having a problem learning how to move on from them. I've even watched some movies that had drug scenes (Garden State, Blow, Black Swan, Superbad, Pulp Fiction, Boogie Nights) and they made me nostalgic .

I've spent long periods sober, even periods where I've meditated and run marathons and cycled centuries (100+ mile rides), at vigorous paces, and I always return to drinking/drugging because, apparently, nothing else produces the state of mind I desire the most. I'm almost starting to believe Keith Richards when he said "I'll quit drugs permanently as soon as I find something better."

Sorry about the rant. I could use some encouragement. I can easily get over the 3-day mark and even the 30-day mark, but after that I just always find myself returning to drinking/drugging. Anyone have a suggestion?

Dee74

Hi and welcome Xanadu

I really enjoy Keith Richards as a musician - I'm not sure I'd take him on as a life coach tho

I drank and drugged for most of my adult life - yeah I had a lot of fun, but I experienced a lot of loss and despair too.

When I look back at my 6 years sober I wonder what more I could have done with the 20 something years I drank and drugged.

I always returned to drinking and drugging too...I was the poster boy for relapse...
but looking back I'm not sure I ever really gave being a sober a chance y'know?

Either I kept my life exactly the same and got resentful and miserable cos I was a sober guy living a drunks life...or I went the other way and went very ascetic.

Neither was really a viable blueprint for long term success.

The last time I quit I knew it had to work or I would die...so I made sure I got a lot of support and I made sure I made a lot of good positive changes in my life.

I've never regretted getting sober. I rediscovered a me - a real me - that I'd forgotten about and he's a guy I like a lot more than the party hard rock and roll animal

...and I still have fun

D

renaldo

Animal had to be put down. We all know that from Dr. Teeth reminiscing on the breakup of the Electric Mayhem on Robot Chicken.

Your candor, wit and and sympathy are things I always appreciate. Thank you.

dedubya

Bro, I feel like you put a mirror in front of me. Triggers, bathroom doing rails, drinking like crazy. I can tell you it doesnt end well. Actually death for many. Thanks for the cool note. I wish I was sober like you bro.
Dub

renaldo

Animal died flailing in a manic state. If memory serves, it was an injection to the buttocks that put him out of his misery. 'Nuff said.

soberlicious

This "one part of me...another part of me" thing that you're talking about is very common among the addicted. Have you ever read about AVRT? It talks about that split and it also talks about the deep pleasure you are describing. It's worth looking into at the least. Might spark a shift in thinking. There are threads in the secular section here.

and yeah...Keith Richards LOL gifted musician...but walking corpse. So NOT hot...

For me I redefined what cool is. True courage, true fearlessness does not hide. It does not find strength in something "outside". Quiet confidence, authenticy, knowing oneself, inner strength...so super hot.

renaldo

Keith Richards is a walking example of what drugs can do to you. He was a handsome man. No more.

soberlicious

exactly renaldo...more than the other obvious physical damage, it's those dead eyes.
No thanks, I'm good...

sugarbear1

I had good times and bad times when I drank.

Things kept getting worse, though.

Today, I know I can't drink.

Today, it's about living life totally.

endlesspatience

Another way of looking at it is to ask "What did I do to benefit and support other people when I was drinking/ drugging compared to what I can do when I'm sober?" Sure, there were times when I felt I was having fun when I was drunk, stoned and insane. But those were times when I failed to fulfil even the basic commitments in my life, let alone contemplate honestly how I could make a real beneficial difference to the people around me.

courage2

all my memories, good and bad, are tied up with alcohol and drugs. but it's never fun anymore to use. one thing i'm trying to learn is to accept my past AS PAST without continuing it. the past is gone, and the good times (if they were that, which is kind of a coin-toss for me) can't be recreated. the drinker that i now am is depressed, unhealthy, deceitful, and guilt-ridden, and the booze doesn't make any of those things any better.

NEOMARXIST

My experience and feelings towards my past drinking and drugging is summed up in the AA BB "we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it". I relate to Noel Gallagher when he say's about drugs " glad I did them, glad I don't do them" or something to that effect. Basically I am grateful for my experiences with them, both good and bad, as it got me to where I was ready to recover and wanted to.

I think it's perfectly normal to mourn past experiences drinking and drugging, this is incredibly powerful experiences and chemical changes we're dealing with. Certainly the first 9 month's to 1 year of my recovery was mourning drink and drugs and those feelings, situations you mention. For me it was very closely related to music and I doubted I would ever be able to lose myself into the music like I could on a session.

Ultimately, sobriety and the beauty of being recovered from alcoholism is much more wholly satisfying than those fleeting highs that you cling to. It does take time and work however and there isn't that instant fix and head change. If it wasn't worth it then people would just go back to drinking and drugging.

Experiences are different however and my expectations of night's out, parties etcetc are radically different nowadays to back when I was a drinker. That inevitably is a hard part of getting and staying sober; rebuilding a new life as without booze and drugs many popular activities are simply events that I wouldn't wish to be at. Sitting in a pub is OK for an hour or so with decent company, but I wouldn't stay for 8 hours. Know what I mean? Saying that I drank alone 95% of the time for the last few years anyway.

A big part of recovery for me was learning to be perfectly at peace with myself and not needing to get mashed up to really enjoy things like music.