catdog

Well here goes - I have lurked here for a while reading other's posts for encouragement, however just cannot seem to kick the drinking. I have been a heavy drinker (every day) since about 14 years of age that was 20 years ago. Went for 2 years 19-21 without touching a drop but unfortunately started back again at 21 till now. I am also unfortunately a very high functioning alcoholic - good job, handle a lot of responsibility - In fact I am the guy people come to for advice and help and as stupid as it is I have helped people kick addictions but I cannot help myself - Physician heal thyself - wish I could. Don't get me wrong I have damaged those close to me - not physically but I am sure emotionally. I always drink alone which means pretty much every night after most people have ended their day and I am pretty sure no one will need me for anything I start to drink usually 20-22 ounces of bourbon (yeah I measure it stupid I know). My doctor says my liver is showing signs of stress (high enzymes). Why and the hell can I help a smoker quit smoking, a pill head quit oxys but cannot kick this. I have always done what I want with most things (I do not mean that in a bad way) I have control with my temper, my moods Etc. just not alcohol. I hate barring my soul this is so hard even posting this anonymously. Is it just vanity, pride? Who knows - I will sit back and see what you all have to say. I have 2 days under my belt scared to death about making it to day 3. I will try to post and let you know - maybe feeling ndebted to not letting people down will help. I hide this too well.

Camperboy

because there are coaches and there are players and you are now at a crossroad where you have to be both........perhaps the skills you used to help others with be helpful in your own.............good luck, tomorrow will be day 7 and I know exactly how you are feeling........you already have 2 days under your belt..........you will nail it.

Ghostlight

You're not alone. I tried for many years to quit. Heck, I joined here five years ago and have been sober two years.
I also drank alone and kept track of my drinking, why I don't know.

You're showing signs of health problems with the consequences of your drinking. But the liver can heal itself. I'm glad you're not waiting till things get worse, and believe me, they will.

Have you considered AA? It's a great program of recovery. Many of us find it near impossible to quit on our own.
It took a spiritual awakening for me to quit.
I was a low functioning alcoholic. But managed to maintain a great career because I never drank before a day of work. (I worked freelance.)

Congratulations on day two. Think that next first drink through to the end and the harm you're doing yourself. Post here as often as you need and remember, you never have to drink again.

Best to you.

courage2

Good luck to you catdog! i'm also "high functioning" and prefer to do my drinking alone, sounds like about at your rate, and have had few external consequences -- but the internal (physical & mental) ones have gotten serious. Congratulations on two days. Keep posting!

Dee74

Welcome catdog
reaching out and finding support *definitely* made a difference for me.

We have a Class of December thread in this forum for people who've quit this month - there's a lot of support there...why not check it out?

D

Auvers

Good for you, Day 2, posting, awareness that your alcohol consumption is not healthy for you. This is a great place for support, to find out about others' experiences in the early days, weeks, months of sobriety, to ask questions and give help. Welcome.

ClearLight

Hey Catdog-

I know what you're talking about. I drink alone at night after work. I've done that for about 20 years. It's effecting my health. And I've essentially become a hermit.

It's only for the last year or so I've been trying to quit. I could never make it past Day One until this last week. Then I made it to Day Three. Wooohooo! It felt great! But... I'm back to Day One again. I won't quit trying though.

This place is great - even for just lurking - which is mostly what I do. Just like you I don't want to bare my soul. Plus I kind of feel like I don't have the right to post when I keep screwing up.

But there's tons of great advice here so I'll encourage you to keep stopping in. I'm even going to give AA a try. And believe me - it really messes my mind to think that I would ever have to go to an AA meeting. Me?! Inconcievable!

So good luck on your sober adventure.

Mafalda

I don't think it's crazy of you to measure how much you are drinking. This is a good sign that you are aware that alcohol is damaging you physically and mentally. I'm on my first week , like you I obsessively did my drinking , measure , can control it when I know I will have to drive , when I'm in front of others etc. I started keeping a diary of how much I drink. At your rate you are having about 14 drinks (each serving of liquor is 1.5 oz). That is quite a bit. The good news is that if you stop the liver can recover. From the experience of some here you will see that you may need to drink even more to get the Same effects. If the thought of never again is overwhelming for you then take it one day at a time. If you don't quit at least keep track of how much you really drink. It might be more than you think and it might scare you. I am going to therapy and I have found it very helpful. If you do anything at least reduce the amounts you drink. I wish you the best. I realized in these last few days that drinking gives me a nice buzz but the downside makes me feel awful. So there is pleasure 5 % of the time and the rest it is sheer hell. Ask yourself why you really put yourself through this. I know I am.

Michael66

Keeping you in prayer catdog. Hang in there - many of us have been there. There is good reason for hope.

TTBABP

Welcome catdog. PLease stick around and keep racking up the Days!

instant

There is a way Catdog. You are one of many who have come before you. I was "high functioning" although in retrospect I see me life was shrinking and I was 'surviving' (not living) on borrowed time.

It made a difference to me to see the way forward as embracing sobriety unconditionally rather than 'giving up' alcohol. I had struggled for years to moderate, have breaks etc.

Thankfully I found my way out of the torment.

Wifi

Welcome catdog!!! You can do this!!!!!!!!!!

catdog

Thanks so much I am blown away that anyone responded thanks to all it means so much. Glad to know I am not alone in this, still making it if i get through today 8 days. I have had to get a prescription for Xanax - disappointed about that but is is literally the only way I can make my brain turn off - I run so hard all day when I get home I cannot switch it off. Feel like a failure trading one drug for another. No long term plan to stay on Xanax because I know I am an addict. I have traded one drug, weed, coke, pain killers for another most of my life. AA sounds great but I am so ashamed of this weakness on my part i am petrified to go and see someone I know. Hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I really appreciate all the support it means a lot. Thanks to all from my heart.

catdog

Thanks Dee I will check it out, thank you so much for taking the time to help