redzing

OK, I've been on this forum before, but thought I'd post a recent update. I've been sober now for a year, but I just can't seem to make any good choices in my life. It's like I can't see my way out of a paper bag most days. Previous to getting sober, I felt like, even though pretty much a functional alcoholic at times, I was still a super Dad, husband, and a great worker. This all seems to have changed. I switched jobs about 3 months before getting sober, to a position that was far more demanding, different and with much more responsibility and I know that this has had something to do with it. (Bad choice number 1--I should have gotten sober first, it seems, before switching jobs. But it seemed like a good choice at the time, in that my old job was by all standards in a toxic place, with high turnover, big time layoffs and very unstable financially).

However, I feel like I've become a complacent husband, Daddy to my two little girls, and feel like I just I don't have any mojo anymore. I fear and dread the future, and most of all dread the job that I currently have, which is by all standards a bad fit for me. I've been so tempted to drink--have tried AA, but AA doesn't work for me, mainly because I want to look to the FUTURE! I do not want to be mired in my past anymore. . . . I just want to be there for my family, and sometimes I feel like I'm about to lose them. I've lost my way completely, and never would have imagined this could have happened to me at age 41. Has anyone been through these kinds of things before? I will never drink again . . . it was certainly a big problem. Perhaps I'm doing better than I imagine.

FeelingGreat

Hi Redzing - I expected getting sober to bring me a new lease of life too. I won't go back but I can't say it's done more than improve my health and mood the next morning. Reading other contributions, it's started to dawn on me the sobriety is just the beginning. The reasons I drank are still there. I'm not an AA person either, but maybe that's what the 12 steps address?
Regarding your family; I have Mormon friends who do things like having family games nights, and taking out their kids alone for one on one time. Sounds corny but if you don't have the feelings, maybe you could start with the actions.
Also might be worth talking to your doctor about depression. Good luck with the journey.

bostongeorge

Day 16. This is hell. My wife doesnt understand and all my friends drink heavily so I feel lie ihave no where to go. Glad to hear your at a year. Congrts. Maybe with a little help I can get there to. I'm with you on the looking to the future bit. I know what I've done and I know what I want to do. Hang in there.i have a 5 year old that depends on me. That's my motivation right now to stay on this path

SoberJohn

I feel exactly like you however I don't have the sober time you do as I am only at 11 days right now. I am in the military and recently got promoted (talk about functional drunk) and was reassigned to another state and to a job I absolutely deplore. I am literally counting the days until I can retire and move on to civilian life into something I enjoy more.

I quit drinking for many reasons but one was to try and not be so depressed about my life. In the past 11 days it has been getting better but I think my life will be much better with a new job. Maybe for you too Redzing

redzing

Yes, I do think a new job will help. I've been at my current position for 15 months, and it has been hell most of the time. It is in a field that has been decimated by the recession, so jobs are hard to get. It was in many ways a promotion, but it has been a real trial for me and my family. I feel like I'm literally flaming out.

I've been treated for depression--it's been tough to find something that works as well as the booze did for my anxiety and feelings of futility about my life. I need to keep pursuing other options.

I have a 3 and 7 year old daughters, who are the loves of my life, as is my wife. They are everything to me . . . and I want to be there for them. What a downright ****** time this has been. . . surely it will get better soon.

Dee74

I think those kind of fears - kinda a little bit set in reality, but really mostly irrational, haunt a lot of us Redzing.

Some people do the 12 steps to get rid of that fear...some do other programmes.

I just decided I needed to let go of some outcomes.
I used to worry about everything - I was the General Manager of the Universe.

It's no wonder I drank - I was putting so much pressure on myself.

Now? I do what I can each day, plan as best I can for the future...then I let it go.
That takes some practice and some faith but it really works for me.

Don;t worry about problems - try and put that energy into solutions.

If you hate your job - can you make your job situation better?
can you look for a new position?

why get sober to stay unhappy?

D

redzing

This is all true. The root of the problem is truly a "spiritual malady" as is often pointed out in AA. However, AA is not my cup of tea. I knew that from the first time I went to a meeting. I'm going to really work on being a great Daddy this weekend. Surely things will look brighter some day . . .

redzing

The things is--I have really, really tried my best to make good, sound choices in my life recently. Changing jobs to an organization that was more stable and with more opportunities for promotion, sobering up for good, trying AA and some other programs, seeking counseling, etc. I have especially not had good luck career-wise, really through no fault of my own. I was very well liked at my old job, not by my immediate manager but by the Executive Director--even with all it's instability, and have even tried to see if they would have me back. But this seems even more mired in the past. I know that there is no real "geographic cure" but the time seems ripe for relocating with the family and just starting fresh in some ways.

Dee74

I'm sorry things haven't been going well for you.
Sometimes I've had times when I can't seem to catch a break either.

Sometimes I had to break it down to neanderthal level

• don't drink
• keep looking for those better opportunities
• have faith things will get better

I'm sorry AA doesn't work for you cos, as I understand it, this really is the kind of stuff the 12 steps addresses.

what were the other programmes you've tried?

D

awuh1

I'm just curious, not trying to change your mind, but what was it about AA that made it a bad fit? Sometimes people think AA is a bad fit for them but only have gone to a couple meetings. Often they have some misunderstandings. I ask because just hoping things will get better does not sound like a good plan. If you feel yours is a "spiritual malady" understand that "spiritual" is very broadly defined in AA. Seems like AA should be a good fit for you.

Lenina

Redzing,

What Dee said about AA being good to help deal with Life is true. I'm not a big AA fan and I do believe one has to find the right sponsor but it helped me learn how to manage my life.

But if AA isn't for you, maybe CBT might help? (cognitive behavior therapy) It could be something for you to look into and see. Take a look in the self help section at your local library or bookstores.

Love from Lenina

redzing

I have tried, fleetingly, MM, but I know that I would prefer to stay sober for good. The thing is, I don't really identify myself as an "alcoholic" per se. I see myself as someone who has had problems with booze since my early 20s, but I don't self-identify with the addiction model of alcoholism. But I just called myself a very functional alcoholic near the beginning there . . . the main thing is I've never, ever had problems with the law, my family, or even my marriage when I was a drinker, these things seemed to have cropped up while sober and in this new and weird phase of my life.

I know that life isn't always going to be a bed of roses. However, I've simply felt like I've done everything I can to make good choices, and you are right, just can't catch a break. I feel like I have so much to offer the world, esp. in my work but most importantly for my family. There have been times when I've, in a dual moment, thought I might lose both over this past year.

I need to put some kind of plan into action, as you said.

Dee74

OK...there's all manner of other programmes out there...I really hope you'll at least look through these links and maybe see something that sounds like it might resonate with you.

Here's some links to some of the main recovery players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I also recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach like SMART, Rational Recovery, LifeRing etc.

redzing

All I really want is to look toward the future. AA, although with some very sound principles that I have definitely gained some perspective from (I have had a sponsor and been to dozens of meetings this year) seems to be mired in the past. And although I now thousands of people gain from it, I do not find the fellowship part of it to be my cup of tea. Mostly, I just want to feel like myself again, enjoying the fresh air, delighting in my kids, finding wonderment in the company of my wife, and I was an athlete for many years and would like to re-engage that part of me. I just want a healthy life, physically and mentally. This isn't possible, as I am the sole breadwinner for my family right now, but if I could quit my current miserable position, and take a few months off to re-energize, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I'm stuck in the rat-race.

awuh1

Then I'd have to second what feelinggood said and consider an evaluation for depression. It's worth a try. In any case best wishes.

BabyJane

I don't claim to know what the answer may be for you, but I hope you find what you're looking for in sobriety. AA has its flaws, but it's working for me and many others. There are meetings where people tend to stay in the solution and focus on step work; I try to go to as many of those as possible, avoiding the ones where people seem to sit and complain or ruminate on the past.

The main thing I get out of the program is fellowship; Friends and role models, interesting stories and conversations I can relate to. I'm not suggesting you go to meetings but maybe having a few close sober friends would be helpful? You sound stressed and I'm sure you don't have much free time, but perhaps you make a little extra time to see non-drinking pals or talk to a good therapist. If you really do suffer from clinical depression, that's not your fault in any way, it's a condition that needs to be addressed.

Finally, I just wanted to commend you on going to a job you dislike, day in and day out, staying sober and taking good care of your family DESPITE all this frustration! People like you are in short supply you know? You are honestly doing good if you can keep doing what you've been doing. Bravo! Feel better soon!

Wastinglife

My dissatisfaction with my career was the driving factor in my alcoholism. Maybe I would have turned out an alcoholic anyway, but my job really accelerated the process. Sometimes you need to take a step back and realize that a job is just a job and instead of drinking to ease the unhappiness, find what makes you happy.

Dee74

Lots of good things are mired in the past LOL - but I get where you're coming from.

Check out some of the other alternatives
D