pattyj

How do you get out of visiting your in-laws?

For the past 5 summers, my boyfriend and I have taken his daughter and parents to Las Vegas to visit his grandparents. His grandparents are in their early 70s and still party like they are teenagers. I really do not want to go this summer. It is usually a house full of about 15 people, lots of children, lots of fighting and tons of drinking. It is usually not fun but the drinking makes it okay.

I don't want to spend money to be in an uncomfortable situation. We usually buy tickets early so that they are cheaper. My boyfriend does not understand how much anxiety I have been having over this and suggests that I 'just don't drink.' The alcohol, the arguing, the hangovers, it is just a mess of a vacation that we have subjected ourselves to every summer for at least 10 days at a time.

I will get so much crap from his family over not going. How do I do this? Go or not to go?

2granddaughters

patty, are you going to AA meetings? What does your family think about the situation?
Doesn't sound like you can do it and stay sober/sane so perhaps best to bow out gracefully.
Your original post raises more questions than I can contemplate. I get a headache.

All the best.

Bob R

hypochondriac

Don't go and risk their displeasure. It will be worth it. Or go, and just hang out with the kids. They won't be drinking right. I think it is possible to do almost anything sober, and cope with it much better than when we were drinking, but you shouldn't be doing it if you feel like it will risk your sobriety. There are so many stupid little things I did which I thought were essential but I really should have ducked out of because in the grand scheme of things they really didn't matter at all. Good luck with whatever you decide x

Natom

I suggest sitting your partner down and having a proper conversation with him. Outline all of the fears and anxieties you are facing about the trip and make sure he listens. It sounds like he needs a proper conversation with you as you are obviously stressing out about this.

Natom.

tomsteve

hold up. yer talkin about this summer, as in summer of 2013?

Wastinglife

I have been in a similar situation. I spend two weeks every summer with my fiance's family at a cottage on a lake in the middle of nowhere. 4 generations of family attend. I haven't been the last two years. I always use work as an excuse, but if you can't use that, I suggest making up a malady which your doctor said you need to stay home for. How about the 'flu'?

Anna

I think you should be open with your boyfriend and express your feelings and misgivings. If you don't want to go, don't go. Life is too short to spend vacations in places you don't want to be, with people you don't want to be with.

pattyj

Wastinglife - how does your fiance feel about you not going?

Tomsteve - yes we are talking about summer 2013. I have get busy buying tickets early for them to be cheap! I know it's way in advance...

Xune

Good relationships are about mutual compromise and honest communication.

LDT

I was also in a similar situation this past summer. We were invited to spend several days in a cabin in the mountains of Montana. Montana has been on my bucket list for years. It was really a dream vacation...... a dream vacation that might have been a nightmare because I knew there would be copious quantities of alcohol there. There was no escaping once there. No Plan-B.

Sadly we turned the invitation down. It was difficult, but really was for the best. I felt. like such a "grownup" after that . I was actually taking care of myself.

pattyj

Very true, Xune. And thank you Anna. Vacations aren't vacations when you're around people that make you uncomfortable and life is too short for that. They will more on.

FeelingGreat

Hi, if you're close to your fiancee's parents it might be appropriate to explain that you have decided not to go because you think it might endanger your sobriety, and ask them to explain to the grandparents as well. Hopefully they will understand and support this reason.
As for your fiancee, do you have the sort of relationship where he will respect your carefully reasoned decision?

pattyj

I think he would definitely respect my decision. But he doesn't want to go without me because of all the family that will be there and all the drama that goes on. And we are expected to go. I think this situation is also a decision we may need to make as a couple and stand our grounds for not going. They can always visit us. And again, what's the point of going on this vacation when it sucks every year?

SavingSelf

We are scheduled to go on a vaca in June with my inlaws. It's more local (a rented house) but there will be lots of people, kids, and drinking. Not so much fighting or drama though--so that is good. In the past years I would drink right along with them. But, now I don't drink. I've already done a few non-drinking events with them when they have all been drinking. So I should have tons of practice by June.

Are there other things that you enjoy about the vacation that you can focus on/participate in?

pattyj

Not really, if we cook something there is never enough. If I sit by the pool, my bathing suit is too small. If we sleep in, we're not helping out enough. If we're running around with our heads cut off, we didn't do it right. If we go grocery shopping, we didn't get the right stuff and took too long. And it goes on and on. It's a group of hot tempered, loud, brash, blunt women with husbands who drink too much to tune them out. My boyfriend tries to ignore it all, but you can't always do that when it's not your family. If my own family did this, I would tell them to go to hell but I will not do that to my in-laws. I may try talking to my boyfriend's parents about my situation. I have already told his mom that I am no longer drinking so it won't be shock.

MsJax

Hi patty . That situation sounds just awful. Vacation time is so rare, why don't you & your bf use the money to plan an extra special vacation just for the two of you and daughter? Other people's expectations are their own problem. It's ok to change. And you know it will just be the SOS with that bunch.

I know-just for me-as time passes in sobriety I am less & less likely to involve myself in some sort of crap scenario. Drama is not something that supports my new life, I choose peace and doing things in a different way. You don't need to explain to people either, they won't get it.

FeelingGreat

Sounds like you've talked yourself into not going. Blame it on you needing to stay sober.
I'd run a mile from your description!

Wastinglife

My fiance doesn't care one bit. Her whole family are there so it's not like she'll be lonely or I'll be missed haha. She knows that I don't want to go and she agrees. The family don't even ask.

Lyoness

Exactly! Make the best decision for you!

Sasha4

Here's my experience.
I'm not very well this morning so excuse me if my post is all over the place.

I have a very strange relationship with my in-laws.
It often was a trigger for my drinking. Whether I should I have drunk over it or not is another matter, but the fact was I did and this then made me sad and my other half angry with me.

The bad feeling after a visit could go on for days........not nice.

These people are really unsupportive to me and their son. Not in terms of my drinking. But they have never once offered to help me with my daughter who is 3. I work full time and I am crippled by daycare costs. I have been out 4 times in 3 years have we never have a sitter. One of those times was a funeral! I had to pay for a sitter as my baby was too young to attend a funeral.

In the past as a drunken people pleaser I would have gone to visit.
Bitten my tongue, smiled through gritted teeth.

Now, giving up the drink, has made me much more aware of right and wrong. It has also made me see that while I cannot change the situation, I will certainly not play happy families.

It means that if I do not attend events, then there can be no bad feelings after and in the long term that makes me things better.

I am sorry if they think I am rude. I am sorry if they think I am an unsocial person. I am not. I would just rather spend what time I have with good people. There are good reasons for it and if they ask me I will explain.

Getting sober takes strength.
My drinking caused others unhappiness.
My drinking has stopped.
But the unhappiness they cause me has not.
Therefore I will avoid interactions with them at any cost, unless necessary. And I am sorry but parties, holidays etc are not good enough reasons to be there with them.