Anyone ever been "outed" as having a problem/in AA/in treatment?
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I am very open about AA and my alcoholism but I would be seriously Pi$$ed if some one outed me. I can not even imagine what it would be like for people who are more private.
My journey is private unless I choose otherwise
My journey is private unless I choose otherwise
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
And this is why I do not go to AA. I want to. But I have a very small community. Lots of meetings, very convenient, many times a day, but a small town. 
I have a BIL, he would freely tell us, his mom and his brother my husband, who he saw at his meeting, if it was someone the family knew.
That is too bad that he did that to you. It was wrong, in my opinion. It is yours to tell or not tell, similar to a medical problem.
I have a BIL, he would freely tell us, his mom and his brother my husband, who he saw at his meeting, if it was someone the family knew. That is too bad that he did that to you. It was wrong, in my opinion. It is yours to tell or not tell, similar to a medical problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
Originally Posted by Mark75 
That happens to me now and then... courtesy of my brother... he is AA for 26 years... He is not shy about it regarding himself, and by extension... well you can guess... I told him that he shouldn't include me in his discussions re: AA to "civilians"...
He respected that.
You BF should do the same.
Problem is, non AA's don't "get it" ... and, well, therefore non AA's should really NOT talk about your participation with other non-AA's. Sometimes we need to educate them.
He respected that.
You BF should do the same.
Problem is, non AA's don't "get it" ... and, well, therefore non AA's should really NOT talk about your participation with other non-AA's. Sometimes we need to educate them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
Originally Posted by Lyoness
I agree that it is your choice who you talk to and what you tell them. Anonymous means anonymous, there is a deep level of respect in that and your boyfriend is not getting it. Maybe he could go to a meeting with you and that would help him understand better.
I am very careful who I talk to about my addiction and recovery. I feel that it is my life and my story and it is not up to anyone else to define who I am or what I do. I offer the same level of respect and confidentiality to my friends as well.
I am very careful who I talk to about my addiction and recovery. I feel that it is my life and my story and it is not up to anyone else to define who I am or what I do. I offer the same level of respect and confidentiality to my friends as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by rochele
And this is why I do not go to AA. I want to. But I have a very small community. Lots of meetings, very convenient, many times a day, but a small town. I have a BIL, he would freely tell us, his mom and his brother my husband, who he saw at his meeting, if it was someone the family knew.
That is too bad that he did that to you. It was wrong, in my opinion. It is yours to tell or not tell, similar to a medical problem.
I have a BIL, he would freely tell us, his mom and his brother my husband, who he saw at his meeting, if it was someone the family knew. That is too bad that he did that to you. It was wrong, in my opinion. It is yours to tell or not tell, similar to a medical problem.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
Your BF is definitely stepping on boundaries. Ironically this is the kind of behavior from a partner that used to send me off to the fridge for a beer or twelve. Taking drinking off the table as a tool to deal with emotional power issues is tough, not that it was that good of a tool for that purpose.
IMO most non alcoholics (in recovery) really don't get it, don't even care actually. Drinkers that want to quit get jealous and weird (I did) and back stabbers will back stab but regular "normies" just think you're taking care of a problem, if they think about it at all. It does beat the hell out of being a drunk again!
IMO most non alcoholics (in recovery) really don't get it, don't even care actually. Drinkers that want to quit get jealous and weird (I did) and back stabbers will back stab but regular "normies" just think you're taking care of a problem, if they think about it at all. It does beat the hell out of being a drunk again!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,348
The same thing happened to me, my husband outed me to a few people, I found out about it, asked him not to do it again. He did it again. And again. And again. I found out about it and went off on him. It was not the way I would've liked to deal with it, but honestly I don't know that he would have ever gotten it.
He's a very good man, and I don't know why he felt compelled to tell these people. He also said it put him in a tight spot when people would ask how I'm doing. Personally I don't think it's all that hard to tell somebody how I'm doing while leaving that bit out!
While I don't suggest taking the route I did, with hurtful words and anger, I did notice that once I put it in perspective for him, how it felt to me, how it would feel to him, he changed. He knows how insanely private a person I am. I likened it to talking about private women's health issues with these same friends and coworkers. He wouldn't do that? Well then don't talk about this private health matter either.
It's not that I don't tell people, I do, and now I've reached the point where I'm actually proud!! But I only tell people I really trust, and feel close to, or that I sense could benefit from knowing in some way.
All the best to you upandup, don't let this stand in the way of your recovery. Do what's best for you. :ghug3
He's a very good man, and I don't know why he felt compelled to tell these people. He also said it put him in a tight spot when people would ask how I'm doing. Personally I don't think it's all that hard to tell somebody how I'm doing while leaving that bit out!
While I don't suggest taking the route I did, with hurtful words and anger, I did notice that once I put it in perspective for him, how it felt to me, how it would feel to him, he changed. He knows how insanely private a person I am. I likened it to talking about private women's health issues with these same friends and coworkers. He wouldn't do that? Well then don't talk about this private health matter either.
It's not that I don't tell people, I do, and now I've reached the point where I'm actually proud!! But I only tell people I really trust, and feel close to, or that I sense could benefit from knowing in some way.
All the best to you upandup, don't let this stand in the way of your recovery. Do what's best for you. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
The fact that your boyfriend won't apologize is disturbing and casts doubt on your future relationship with him. What he did was to disclose confidential information about your personal life without your consent. Now that you have raised the issue with him he seems to believe that he can do this in the future. In light of this can you feel comfortable to share any confidences with him in the future? This is up to you. If it were my situation, I would have grave misgivings. His recourse to the Bible to justify his breach of confidence gives me even more concern.
W.
W.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by upandup
Absolutely Lyoness. Funny thing is that he's been to a speaker meeting and an open meeting with me already. He said that it "puts him in a tight spot" when people ask how I am (like I mentioned I lost my mother earlier this year, and wow did my drinking pick up thereafter!), and said that he wouldn't say "no she's not doing anything at all to help herself."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Originally Posted by Sapling
For myself...I can't let anything stand in front of my recovery....That's my life we are talking about. I'm sure your BIL would tell the same about people he saw falling off a barstool...There's just people out there like that. If I have to be labeled as someone doing something to save and better my life...Then I'll take that. I don't look at it as a fault.
I have young children, and my reputation affects them. The community at large does not know I had a drinking problem to the extent that I did. A neighbor tells another and so on, and they are the kids with the drunk mom. It is not just about *me* and my recovery. it is about my children as well. I was not on barstools, or falling down, or getting DUIs, or in my local papers. Maybe a bit under the weather at Sat. am little league games. I hid my problem very well, and i am fixing it before it got to where it affected them publicly. Sure, if affected home life, but I did not get drunk at community events. I mostly did it at home and occasionally at events with intimate/life-long friends, not in my town.
Anyway, this is not about me.
The experience of the original poster resonates with me, however. I do worry about being outed. I just do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Originally Posted by upandup
Absolutely Lyoness. Funny thing is that he's been to a speaker meeting and an open meeting with me already. He said that it "puts him in a tight spot" when people ask how I am (like I mentioned I lost my mother earlier this year, and wow did my drinking pick up thereafter!), and said that he wouldn't say "no she's not doing anything at all to help herself."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Lynnwood WA
Posts: 424
My boyfriend recently told some friends that I wasn't drinking when I decided not to go to the bar with them. I was very p***ed when he came home and told me that. I say, 'why didn't you just tell them I was sick?'
He thinks I need to be upfront about it. I have told a precious few as well but I don't feel the need to explain myself. My boyfriend told me that I need to be honest with everyone about my addiction. I replied that I'm honest to myself and that's all that really matters.
He said it would be easier if I just 'came out.' In reply, you can either support me and my wishes or move on. We have been together a very long time and he will support my wishes. I think honesty is the best route but this is such a personal issue that no one needs to know if you don't want them to. He may be proud of you, as my boyfriend may be proud of me, but it's still your choice.
I used an example with him. If I was pregnant and wanted to keep it hush-hush, you would keep your mouth shut. Same thing.
He thinks I need to be upfront about it. I have told a precious few as well but I don't feel the need to explain myself. My boyfriend told me that I need to be honest with everyone about my addiction. I replied that I'm honest to myself and that's all that really matters.
He said it would be easier if I just 'came out.' In reply, you can either support me and my wishes or move on. We have been together a very long time and he will support my wishes. I think honesty is the best route but this is such a personal issue that no one needs to know if you don't want them to. He may be proud of you, as my boyfriend may be proud of me, but it's still your choice.
I used an example with him. If I was pregnant and wanted to keep it hush-hush, you would keep your mouth shut. Same thing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
As a guy I can tell you this: get rid of him.
That's the advice I would give any of my sisters and I feel that you are a sister to me in this common struggle.
You don't deserve to be treated like that.
Good luck with your sober adventure!
That's the advice I would give any of my sisters and I feel that you are a sister to me in this common struggle.
You don't deserve to be treated like that.
Good luck with your sober adventure!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I'm sorry but he sounds like an arse.
I am luckily single so don't have this problem. My close family know and that's it. I will tell other people if or when it comes up and not a minute before I am ready. It is all very well saying you should be upfront and proud about this but it is a process. I am more proud and less bothered who knows as more sober time passes, I do not feel that way overnight. If any of my family told anyone now, I would probably not be that bothered but a few months ago I would have been furious. But either way it really isn't anyone else's business. Unless people have the common courtesy to understand perfectly and immediately I would rather they didn't know and only other alcoholics get it like that so they'll be the only people I will discuss it with.
I hope he apologises soon x
I am luckily single so don't have this problem. My close family know and that's it. I will tell other people if or when it comes up and not a minute before I am ready. It is all very well saying you should be upfront and proud about this but it is a process. I am more proud and less bothered who knows as more sober time passes, I do not feel that way overnight. If any of my family told anyone now, I would probably not be that bothered but a few months ago I would have been furious. But either way it really isn't anyone else's business. Unless people have the common courtesy to understand perfectly and immediately I would rather they didn't know and only other alcoholics get it like that so they'll be the only people I will discuss it with.
I hope he apologises soon x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Sorry to hear that you're boyfriend tell people that you send to AA. Should of tell him ahead of time not to tell anyone that you're going to AA. If you're going to AA then don't be surprise when friends and family find out that you're going.
If you have ever seen the movie Fight Club, the first and second rules of Fight Club are You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB. Later on in the movie the group gets really big just because of members talking about it. Anonymous is general not really Anonymous in AA. Hope everything goes well with you.
If you have ever seen the movie Fight Club, the first and second rules of Fight Club are You do not talk about FIGHT CLUB. Later on in the movie the group gets really big just because of members talking about it. Anonymous is general not really Anonymous in AA. Hope everything goes well with you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I think its about respect. You asked him not to tell anyone and said you were upset he had.His reaction shows a lack of respect and support,maybe an element of control too. I would seriously be questioning his position in my life if it was my bf
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by wpainterw
The fact that your boyfriend won't apologize is disturbing and casts doubt on your future relationship with him. What he did was to disclose confidential information about your personal life without your consent. Now that you have raised the issue with him he seems to believe that he can do this in the future. In light of this can you feel comfortable to share any confidences with him in the future? This is up to you. If it were my situation, I would have grave misgivings. His recourse to the Bible to justify his breach of confidence gives me even more concern.
W.
W.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,068
Happened to me and I was gutted. The person involved had only went to AA afew times and our paths had never crossed but another member told her about me. Im not bothered about certain people knowng but surely it's up to ourselves to choose who to tell. feels like you're the subject of idle gossip otherwise.
I told an oldtimer about it and he was sympathetic towards my feelings which helped just sharing it with someone.
Not alot else you can do really, anyway I'm over it now and hope you feel the same too through time.
I told an oldtimer about it and he was sympathetic towards my feelings which helped just sharing it with someone.
Not alot else you can do really, anyway I'm over it now and hope you feel the same too through time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
Thank you all for your input, a lot of food for thought. I'm fairly newly sober (33 days), and have told him that just like drinking changes a person, so does sobriety. I also had told him if he feels put in a tough spot or doesn't know how to handle situations he should try alanon.
Out of time for now but will reply more thoroughly later. Thank you again so much. Peace
Out of time for now but will reply more thoroughly later. Thank you again so much. Peace
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