773niki

I'm 48 days sober and have been working so hard this time around. Doing everything right. Being honest, meetings everyday, sponsor, working steps, praying...just really passionate and determined.

My boyfriend just got Home from working and I cleaned the house so it looks awesome and was really excited to see his reaction...well, instead he tells me my pupils look big and that I'm acting funny. Maybe its because ive been alone all day? No clue about my eyes... he asks if I drank!!

I can't understand my reaction. I got sooooo emotional. Just started crying which probably made me look guilty but the question was such a stab in the heart. He knows how hard I've been working. I know I have to re build trust. But this is making me crazy. Now I think he thinks I drank but I did not and I'm so upset!!!

I just needed to vent. This is one of my first accusations...is that it? I just can't understand me right now...

ElleElle

You didn't drink and that's all you need to know.

Let him think what he wants, that's his problem.

Stay strong!!!

instant

Roll with it. You know the truth. Great effort.

Natom

As long as you know you didn't drink then your boyfriend will probably stop with the accusations over time. It's very hard to regain someones trust.

Natom.

Geenie

Niki I had a similar question directed at me a few weeks back from my husband and felt just as hurt and betrayed as you. In the past such emotional outbursts and anger have been an excuse to go back on the alcohol and cigarettes.

The fact is my husband has seen me promise to stop drinking and smoking for a good many years now. When I have tried to stop in the past, I have lied about starting again and have gone to even greater lengths to cover up what I was doing. He would ask me are you drinking again and I would throw it back at him as not trusting me etc and make HIM feel guilty.

My husband has been living in fear for some years now because of my outbursts and anger towards him when drunk, something I only found out about recently through us talking about my drinking. I was really shocked to hear this and cried, but the honesty from both of us is helping me stay on course. NO MORE LIES. I promised him that if I do start drinking or smoking again I will tell him straight away. I am just over 12 weeks and can see him still getting anxious every time I go to the supermarket.

Well done on your 48 days Niki, keep going and keep talking to your partner. It is an emotional roller coaster for both of you.

Rusty Zipper

to thine own self be true niki

Threshold

I think allowing yourself to react authentically is a really good thing. As we move forward in recovery we face the consequences of our drinking/drugging. We allow ourselves to feel and react, where once we made excuses, lied, justified and blamed.

here is just something to consider...I imagine your boyfriend is feeling like he's done a lot to support you both while you were drinking, and now that you are in recovery. When he came home and suspected you might have drank, I expect he felt feelings similar to what you describe feeling yourself.

Here he is trying to do things right...and wondering if it's made any difference etc.

I know it seems odd, but our getting sober is an adjustment for our loved ones as well. The dynamics of the relationships change, they are dealing with their own feelings as they surface. It's an awkward time and understanding and honesty are important on BOTH sides.

I'm glad you came here to share. I think that's really healthy. I hope your boyfriend has some people he can talk to as well.

Fernaceman

I, too, would get really defensive and emotional before when someone accused me or drinking/using. But, truth is, I never had any room to talk because usually I either A) had been or B) had proven time and time again (before) that I would be lying about it.

Time and positive action will rebuild this. Sorry it happened, and I know firsthand how frustrating it can be. It will get better, just don't let yourself falter because of it. Don't dwell, move on.

dybehfar

I reacted the same way. I had to stop for a minute and reflect. Then I went back to my spouse without emotion and explained how important my sobriety was to me and that I understood her concerns and that it was quite natural for her to suspect me. I also said that I appreciate her concerns as I am sure she was worrying for me (as well as herself). I gave gave her a kiss and then moved on. I did not dwell on it or linger in the conversation.

Seems to have set her mind at ease and I was at peace with it. She does lean in close to me from time to time and I still think she is trying to smell if I have alcohol on my breath. I let it go. If she needs that to feel better about the situation I am happy to oblige.

As for cleaning the house...that is annoying that he did not notice. Perhaps point it out. As a guy, I routinely overlook the obvious household state. My wife will then ask if I notice anything different. My mind will race as I look over the house and eventually I notice it, appreciate it and tell her so.

2granddaughters

48 days sober is not a very long time to rebuild trust. Ask him why he thought you had been drinking... don't ask me. He'll tell you.

Communication is a cornerstone of a relationship, at least in our house it is. And extreme dramatic emotional outbursts are a signature mark of alcoholism.

Talk to your husband, share how you feel. Don't blame him for your emotional outburst, it's your outburst. It will all work out if you stay focused on the problem. The problem is " He thought you had been drinking and you weren't... why did he jump to that conclusion?"
Step 12 in Alcoholics Anonymous reminds us to always place "principles before personalities".

All the best.

Bob R

MIRecovery

The problem is I have no credibility. My loved ones knew me as an alcoholic for far longer then they have known me sober. At 3.5 years of sobriety and 4-5 AA meetings a week. My wife will still say, "Your eyes look funny have you been drinking?" I lied and hurt loved ones hundreds of times so I can not expect unconditional trust because I screwed it up.

It used to bother me because I was so pround of myself in early sobriety. I wanted an atta-boy not a "Have you been drinking?" Today I realize I stay sober for myself not for my wife, kids, or anyone else.

There is a ton more trust than there used to be but it is not 100% and may never be. Thats OK because the only person I have to answer to is ME!

Xune

The answer to your question rests with your husband.

Talk to him.

aasharon90

"If you lie to me or do anything to not make
me trust you, then it will take a long time to
regain trust in you again." That is what I taught
my 2 little ones while growing up.

I drank, stole, lied, manipulated, decieved
etc. within my 53 yrs of life to the point that
I didnt trust my own self and thus had trouble
believing in others and them believing in me.

In recovery for the past 22 yrs, Ive learned
alot thru the knowledge and tools handed down
to me to live a openminded, willing, honest life
one day at a time. Honesty has become the
greatest of all three. Honesty in all my affairs.

zanzibar

I really feel for you niki, you can't force the trust to return. It has to return in it's own time. It's unfortunate but it takes longer to rebuild this trust then it took us to break it.

I agree with the others who say as long as you know the truth, this is what matters. The rest will fall into place. And good show on the 48 days.

Squizz

Here's a fullproof plan for ya:

Keep a breathalyzer near by at all times. That will shut him up pretty quickly. Not to mention, he'll feel like an idiot for even asking in the first place.

It's like when my dad would continually acuse me of smoking marijuana, even though I hadn't for months. It got to the point, where I was almost going to buy one of those home drug-testing pee kits, and make him watch me pee test myself.

Hey, people are obviously going to be skeptical of us, and that's fine. We've pretty much forced them to be that way. We're not exactly the most honest of people.

MIRecovery

A breathalyzer was suggested by my rehab for loved ones. Puts the issue to bed immediately

Squizz

Yep. I know I can't be trusted with *anything* when I'm drinking. My word means ZERO to my loved ones. Therefore, I have to go the extra mile to prove my honesty.

Anna

I think it's somewhat understandable at this point in your recovery. I went through a similar situation with my husband in my early recovery. But, I decided at that point, that if it was an ongoing problem, then the situation wasn't going to work for me. I didn't expect instant trust, but I did expect to be trusted again at some point.

773niki

WOw - thanks you guys! All your comments really helped me. I understand everything you all said...it was just a blow to me since I've been trying so hard and that's the last thing I expected. But I get it. And I do have a breathalizer at home I've lied for years and years and would make him feel guilty for accusing me of drinking before when I had in fact been drinking. I get it. The impulsive side of me wishes I would just be trusted again...now...but that's not going to happen! I know I didn't drink and I know I will continue to stay on track and that's all I can do for now. THANKS AGAIN! YOu are the best "friends" a girl can have!

MIRecovery

I believe this expecting trust is tied up in our alcoholism. We want what we want and we want it now but we are not willing to work for it. Instant gratification is what I was all about for years