andisa

Why aren't there ever any NA meetings midday. There are plenty of AA meetings, which I've attended, but never quite find what I'm looking for, always one step out of place. Such is why I come here when need be. Need be again today. In large part this addiction is under control but it's got a pitbull mentality; usually pretty much a nice dog but don't agitate it because it might attack. Even still after five years of relative abstinence I can't resist tempting it, playing with the idea of using, knowing full well that if the drugs were placed in front of me I'd do them. I just cannot bring myself to leave them alone. I suspect I don't want to, even while knowing full well the trouble and agitation they bring. Well, just here to calm myself down, at least for the moment. Thanks for listening.

MIRecovery

Sounds like you may need to work/re-work a first step with a sponsor.

awuh1

Go to an AA meeting mid-day (and, if necessary, tell folks you cannot find an early NA meeting). I don't think they'll kick you out.

andisa

That would be to work the first step, I've never had a sponsor nor worked the steps. I'm familiar with the 12-step program, however, it's that first step I can't get past, being one of those "high-functioning" addicts, I hold everything together externally quite well. That's all very manageable.

I'm really seriously thinking about this here, so don't misunderstand, I'm not debating the apparent necessity of admitting my life is unmanageable or that I'm powerless over drugs. Because obviously they do have power over me.

Honestly though, I cannot seem to move past the idea of letting them go. It's a mental escape in my head, even just thinking about using offers some sense of relief. This is why I say I don't think I want to let them go. I'm not actively using. I would if they fell into my lap though. Mostly I'm content just knowing the option is there. It's at it's worst when I think it can't be.

Am I a hopeless case, maybe. This has been going on for six years with no change.

andisa

They are always very welcoming at AA, and that's wonderful, I'm grateful for the resource. It's just not a good fit is all.

MIRecovery

If you always do, what you always did, you will always get, what you always got.

Get a sponsor and work the steps. They can not be worked effectively without a sponsor which is likely why nothing has changed in 6 years

awuh1

Is life really “manageable” if you cannot stop thinking about the drug. Is it manageable if you would use the drug if it fell into your lap? I think that the steps may in fact do you much good. You will need someone to work them with however. Someone who can address these concerns so you can move forward. You sound a bit stuck, and that strikes me as unmanageable (and for me that would border on being intolerable).

andisa

MIRecovery, the irony of your picture of the dog playing catch, in contrast to my thread title is not lost on me. I appreciate your thoughtfulness in taking time to respond to me here.

I won't attempt to debate your position, for you are correct, nothing will change unless I do something to change it. Nor will I begin to explain my reasoning why it's difficult for me to proceed because it will sound like an excuse. I do want to work the steps with a sponsor. I've wanted this for a long time. My reasons for not doing so are purely based in fear: of being exposed, and hence, being controlled. You understand, I'm not "supposed" to be even thinking about drugs, much less using them. If people close to me knew what I've been thinking about, oh, the scrutiny I'd be under, you have no idea. It's so indescribably much easier to keep quiet, pretend all is well, and avoid that whole scene that would result in exposure. I've thought about working the steps in private, wherein no-one knows what I'm doing...but you see the problem in that...in doing that I'm STILL HIDING!!! Furthering and fostering what is so much at the core of why I'm interested in using, of course privately and secretly. I'm not an honest person that way, you see. I fear being scrutinized and controlled far more than I fear feeding an addiction. I so want to be free from it all.

Thanks for reading and considering this. I have a headfull of thoughts here, decisions to make. Have to go back to work now. Thank you again.

andisa

thank you too, awuh. Yes, there is an unmanageability factor internally, only externally can I manage things. I'm such a closed, private person, it's a challenge to find a sponsor. I looked before but never reached out, then gave up trying, for the complications (see above.) Stuck is right. But of my own accord, I know.

MIRecovery

Secrets secrets secrets my world was built on secrets. It is so much work living in a secret world and keeping all the secrets in line so that I could present the vision to the world my secrets dictated. I could not imagine how fantastic my life became when the secrets were exposed to light and I did not have to hide anymore. The sense of freedom was amazing.

Honesty is the key that unlocks the door and the steps are the road map to finding the key and a sponsor is your guide.

andisa

A life of secrets really is a lot of work. Seems you know well about that. Honestly, there's nothing I want more than to say "Here I am, and there it is." With no further concern about what anyone might say or do about it. But that's not the way it is with me.

Maybe this is still avoiding the issue, but what do you think about this.
As much as I'd love to jump right in with both feet and live according to the way I so want to live (honestly and without secrets), I know I can't or won't do that. Years of trying prove this. I remain still stuck.

What if I proceed to find a sponsor and get a move toward real recovery underway, but do so without making anyone else aware of my actions or intent. That'd be, in secret. Once underway, I'd have a foothold, I'd be making progress, and perhaps therein gain the level of security I need to start not living in secret. Maybe if I had confidence I was on the right path, and could offer some reassurance to those I fear would seek to control me if they knew of my ongoing struggles, that they need not worry about me or need to monitor me, they would allow me to proceed on this path I'm choosing.

I'd be setting out on a less than ideal platform (in secret) but if it leads to a healthier outcome, is there harm in this? Is it at least better than doing nothing? I know the ideal would be to jump in openly, but that's not happening. Or do I wait until I can proceed openly. And if that's the case, how do I do that. Back to work again now...thanks again for the prompts.

MIRecovery

That is why there are steps and why they are numbered. You do each completely and throughly in order before you worry about the next. You do not get from A to B in one step. It takes a life time of work. I have been doing this stuff for 3.5 years and I have a long way to go. I still have some of my secrets that are especially stubborn.

Your game plan is perfect. Find a sponsor and move at a rate that you can deal with. This is not a race but it is baby steps forward. Doing nothing will only make you sicker while working the steps will move you toward healing.

That said, a sponsor is going to want you to be totally drug and alcohol free because that is an absolute for recovery.

andisa

If working with you to get started is at all indicative of working the steps with a sponsor, I think this is something I can approach and really gain from. After a lifetime of hearing "no, do it this way" or "here's what you should do" or "here's how you should think", to hear you say "good idea, proceed at your own pace, as you choose" is all the encouragement I seek. I want to move forward. It's time. I understand about complete abstinence while working the program. I'm not actively using, just actively always thinking about it.

Will the secret-keeping ever be a non-issue for you, MI? Further, is it necessary for it to be? Some people are more private than others, and I suspect that should be allowed, or at least, OK.

thanks for your encouragement.

Zube

You could start one...

How to start an NA Meeting

...chances are probable that if you need one midday, somebody else in your area probably does as well...

Good luck to you,
Zube

Auvers

Many of the thoughts you have expressed in this thread are ones I have, those about privacy, rejection of an accountability notion, and the maintenance of a boundary about how much will be shared with others about me, my personal story. That is not going to change. Before I quit drinking, I had the notion that had to change for me to find the way to stop drinking. That was not going to occur, so I dismissed the path of sobriety. Then I decided to do it my way, privately. I have supplemented my own thoughts with some reading on subject of mindfulness, meditation, physical improvement. Then found SR and it is a good fit along this journey.

I do not find that living a life of honesty requires complete disclosure of every aspect of my thoughts or personal story. I do not lie. I do not find that the mere act of having a particular thought is the same as acting on it. Seems that if you equate the thought with the action, then you diminish the self control you have exercised belittle your accomplishment.

Thanks for your posts.

MIRecovery

Secrets are the nature of who I am so, "No they will never be a non-issue." That does not mean secrets are healthy though. The problem with secrets is they just keep building up unless we stop creating new ones and get rid of the old. "We are only as sick as our secrets."

My brain was so full of secrets the only way I could have relief was through drugs and alcohol but that only created new secrets which required more alcohol and lead to a death spiral.

One thing that I have found time and time again is that having a neutral party (sponsor) to help is a wise idea. The mind that created the problem is unlikely going to be the mind that fixes it. I simply could not look objectively at myself with any degree of accuracy.

AA/NA is not magic. The sobriety fairy does not sprinkle pixie dust on you and everything is OK. You have to attend lots of meetings, get honest, get a sponsor, have friends that are in recovery, read the literature, work the steps, and do service work.

I will honestly say my life is better today than at any point in my life and I own it all to the program of AA. AA literally saved my life.

andisa

These are strong testimonials you both wrote and I appreciate hearing of them. I've been told I must be completely open and honest about everything, that anything less is deceitful and dishonest. I'm not a dishonest person, it goes against my nature to be dishonest, so to be so regarded is painful, and makes me want to hide all the more. Hence, the spiral that keeps me so stuck. There must be some happy medium to be found, which I presume is found in self-acceptance and self-reliance more than anything anyone else might say or think.

I want to, need to, work through this privately, though clearly I cannot do it in isolation, as I can think my way around in circles, endlessly. How on earth to begin finding a sponsor whom I can trust, and probably more important, who can see past the mind games I play.

Oh boy, the idea of starting an NA meeting is so far beyond me at this point, but I do appreciate the idea. Maybe in the future, maybe I can give back to others that way. It appears I'm still quite in the realm of needing help myself. Thanks for the help here given, all.

MIRecovery

Our worst enemy is what is between our ears. We want all the answers and we want them now! We are paralyze because we want to know exactly what is going to happen, how it is going to happen, and when it is going to happen. Sorry recovery just does not work that way.

The question is what are you going to do TODAY that will move you toward a happy healthy life free of drugs and alcohol. Tomorrow has not come and you are years in the future.

Post a question in the 12 step forum about finding a sponsor, go to a meeting, just do something that moves you forward. Then tomorrow repeat

2granddaughters

My being completely honest most times isn't a matter of willingness, it's a matter of ability. I have a denial mechanism that is fine-tuned and stealthy.

andisa, you said in your original post that you had "five years of relative abstinence". I has been my experience that that condition is well described in AA's HOW IT WORKS where it says "Half measures availed us nothing, we stood at the turning point".

If I wanted to get/stay sober and have The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous (or NA) come true then I had to commit to the 12 Step program of recovery.... not just be involved.

You know the difference between "involvement" and "commitment" ?? ......

Like a bacon & egg breakfast. The chicken is involved and the pig is committed.

Most/many of us have to have the fight beaten out of us by alcohol/drugs. We have to be beaten into submission and over time the substances will do that. I see that simple truth by attending meetings regularly... it keeps me from entertaining hopeless scenarios which I seem to do naturally all by myself.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

Auvers

Fortunately for humankind, there is more than one way to do most things. Recovery from using drugs and alcohol takes people down many different paths, the only tenant in common being the abstinence from use. I think it is too bad so many people are under the misapprehension that there is only one way to achieve the fullest success, and it requiring group participation. Many people, self among them, would not be successful in recovery if only that route existed. Celebrating sobriety comes in different packages. If one route provides more stumbling blocks than aids, it could be time to try so etching different.