I'm back- Crossposted cause I didn't read the directions-opps
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 7
I'm back- Crossposted cause I didn't read the directions-opps
I saw today I last came on here in May. When I receieved birthday greetings in my inbox from soberrecovery I was horrified and quickly deleted them. Now two weeks later I'm ready to be here.
I first decided to quit drinking the day before Valentine's Day 2012. The lasted for about 2 weeks (and I do clearly remember I felt great!) I am not a daily drinker but a binge drinker. I can go days without drinking or even thinking about it. If I have the mindset that I'm only going to have a couple of drinks I can do that. If I'm not consciously aware and I'm in a party mood I go way overboard. This is what happened on Tuesday. I had plans with a girlfriend, we went over to her house and started drinking red wine. One bottle down. The second bottle was opened, we started in on that, her cat knocked over my very full glass onto the floor so she opened another and we filled my glass right up. I don't remember too much after that. Apparently she decided to call my husband and tell him I was sleeping over. I guess I slept for about 3 hours, I woke up and literally found myself driving, looking at the clock and thinking oh my gosh, it's almost 5 am! That can't be right! Came home, crawled into bed and slept until 10am when I woke up hearing my 4 year old puttering around. I missed taking her to preschool. I missed my dental appointment. I called the school and lied, I called the dentist office and lied, I took care of a few things and went to work and dreaded coming home, knowing that once again I was going to have to face my husband and he was going to be angry.
I made up my mind yesterday no drinking until Christmas Eve. I know that's not good enough, it's the only commitment I can make right now. I'll deal with Christmas Eve when it gets here, in the meantime that's two weekends to get through and I'm just going to take things one step at a time.
My husband told me last night he was sure I was drunk when I got home at 5am, that I could have killed someone or myself, and that he "didn't sign up for this ****." He's absolutely right.
Lately, when I wake up with this dreaded feeling of remorse and regret I beat myself up all day, cry, and promise myself not to drink like that again. The thing that I'm starting to realize is that it's become too much work and too heartbreaking to do this anymore. I love my husband dearly, I love my children (4 of them!) dearly.
My problem began six years ago when I lost my baby at seven months of pregnancy. She had trisomy 18, it's fatal. The depression I experienced aftewards was so profound I could barely function. The only thing that made it go away was drinking, I couldn't wait to have that first drink around 5 pm. I pretty much drank daily. Then I got pregant with my now 4YO and I abstained her whole pregnancy. After I had her I started drinking again but more binge drinking than daily drinking. I've been in that pattern ever since.
My sober girlfriend said you know you have a problem when your life become unmanagable. Driving drunk at 5am on a Wednesday morning is definitely unmanageable. I kind of feel relieved knowing that the lie is over. Thanks for reading!
I first decided to quit drinking the day before Valentine's Day 2012. The lasted for about 2 weeks (and I do clearly remember I felt great!) I am not a daily drinker but a binge drinker. I can go days without drinking or even thinking about it. If I have the mindset that I'm only going to have a couple of drinks I can do that. If I'm not consciously aware and I'm in a party mood I go way overboard. This is what happened on Tuesday. I had plans with a girlfriend, we went over to her house and started drinking red wine. One bottle down. The second bottle was opened, we started in on that, her cat knocked over my very full glass onto the floor so she opened another and we filled my glass right up. I don't remember too much after that. Apparently she decided to call my husband and tell him I was sleeping over. I guess I slept for about 3 hours, I woke up and literally found myself driving, looking at the clock and thinking oh my gosh, it's almost 5 am! That can't be right! Came home, crawled into bed and slept until 10am when I woke up hearing my 4 year old puttering around. I missed taking her to preschool. I missed my dental appointment. I called the school and lied, I called the dentist office and lied, I took care of a few things and went to work and dreaded coming home, knowing that once again I was going to have to face my husband and he was going to be angry.
I made up my mind yesterday no drinking until Christmas Eve. I know that's not good enough, it's the only commitment I can make right now. I'll deal with Christmas Eve when it gets here, in the meantime that's two weekends to get through and I'm just going to take things one step at a time.
My husband told me last night he was sure I was drunk when I got home at 5am, that I could have killed someone or myself, and that he "didn't sign up for this ****." He's absolutely right.
Lately, when I wake up with this dreaded feeling of remorse and regret I beat myself up all day, cry, and promise myself not to drink like that again. The thing that I'm starting to realize is that it's become too much work and too heartbreaking to do this anymore. I love my husband dearly, I love my children (4 of them!) dearly.
My problem began six years ago when I lost my baby at seven months of pregnancy. She had trisomy 18, it's fatal. The depression I experienced aftewards was so profound I could barely function. The only thing that made it go away was drinking, I couldn't wait to have that first drink around 5 pm. I pretty much drank daily. Then I got pregant with my now 4YO and I abstained her whole pregnancy. After I had her I started drinking again but more binge drinking than daily drinking. I've been in that pattern ever since.
My sober girlfriend said you know you have a problem when your life become unmanagable. Driving drunk at 5am on a Wednesday morning is definitely unmanageable. I kind of feel relieved knowing that the lie is over. Thanks for reading!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Sorry for your pain but until I decided to get rid of my best friend, my confidant, my lover more pain just kept on happening. I discovered that there were all sorts of resources to keep me sober but until I was ready to make the big decision there is little that could be done for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby and I hope you talk to your dr about your depression if it's still a problem. But, keep in mind that alcohol can make depression worse, so you may feel better if you stop drinking.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 7
Yeah, nothing really happens on Christmas day. My husbands family is a bunch of party animals, that's why I said Christmas Eve (that's when we all get together). It just feels overwhelming if you look at every event for the rest of your life, so I was thinking if I can get through these next two weekends I know I will wake up clear headed, feeling healthier and stronger and that feeling will give me the strength to get through Christmas Eve sober. My first big test will be this Sunday when my BIL and his GF are coming over for the football game. I didn't drink during the game last weekend and I had fun and it was fine. This Sunday will be a bit more of a challenge but I know I can do it.
It's like if I look at EVERYTHING I face to face it's too much, that's why I'm trying to take this in increments. Five years ago I spent Christmas Eve completely sober with his family (I was pregnant so that was a huge motivator) but I had just as much fun. And I didn't make a fool of myself like i did last Christmas Eve...
It's like if I look at EVERYTHING I face to face it's too much, that's why I'm trying to take this in increments. Five years ago I spent Christmas Eve completely sober with his family (I was pregnant so that was a huge motivator) but I had just as much fun. And I didn't make a fool of myself like i did last Christmas Eve...
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