Im going....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: London
Posts: 8
Im going....
To a Meeting this evening. I will say i am three days sober because thats what i have.
This is a meeting i HAVE GONE TO 3 DAYS SOBER 30 ODD TIMES OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS. i had many years sober at this meeting some four years ago.
Met a member this afternoon, actually someone i have never seen in a meeting but they have many years and they talked with me today in a way that i was grateful for. they were saying it worked for them...
I have grown so tired of all of the thinking i have done about the fellowship/the programme . Getting very comfortable with ideas that it doesn't work for me and pointing out the problems i see with the words that were written down, this is a 12 & 12 meeting and i have major issues with some of Bills sentiments in some of the essays. Sentiments i think others take on board as gospel .... there is some arrogance on my behalf for you....
but off course after coming in in 1991 and going tonight with 3 days i feel like a complete failure, i have a lot of people who care for me in AA, i have asked for help from so many too....
have i done the steps, i believe i have though stalled at ten before i picked up four years ago.
So i can not say if it really works or not cause i can not really say that i have had a spiritual awakening as a result of How it works. I Can say that i have sought God, that these is becoming shaky ground. Though i don't have a problem with the Word. I do have a problem however and i do need help.
and if anyone asks me whats gonna be different this time? i will say i have no clue whats gonna be different this time ....but i wish within every element of my being that something will be different and i can stay sober and not face this utter slow self destructive suicide mission that i am on with alcohol.
That person i met today perhaps was as i thought as i drove home "a channel", i am a believer and do have faith and hope and i am actually very blessed.
But as somebody recently posted i have everything to loose.
i have of course lost myself to a certain degree as the damage caused by my drinking has fallen mainly on my own moral fibre. i could off course have died 100's of time due to the dangerous antisocial situations i can get myself into on a bender. i have been arrested countless times and wound of in the jail countless times. countless fights, i have being mugged, i have drunk drove countless times, i have sprouted from the hilltops what is wrong with society, have been semi unconscious with alcohol poisoning on the side street countless times and i have promoted to a bender drinker of four or five day with the second day usually on the local bench.
When i get sober i get well real quick so much so that i forget all of these results often within a week and believe that i am not an alcoholic.
i quite like that AA is neither promoted or shunned on this marvellous forum but as a very problematic isolator i know i can not get well on my own.
Wanted to share here today....kMACK (NOVEMBER 13)
This is a meeting i HAVE GONE TO 3 DAYS SOBER 30 ODD TIMES OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS. i had many years sober at this meeting some four years ago.
Met a member this afternoon, actually someone i have never seen in a meeting but they have many years and they talked with me today in a way that i was grateful for. they were saying it worked for them...
I have grown so tired of all of the thinking i have done about the fellowship/the programme . Getting very comfortable with ideas that it doesn't work for me and pointing out the problems i see with the words that were written down, this is a 12 & 12 meeting and i have major issues with some of Bills sentiments in some of the essays. Sentiments i think others take on board as gospel .... there is some arrogance on my behalf for you....
but off course after coming in in 1991 and going tonight with 3 days i feel like a complete failure, i have a lot of people who care for me in AA, i have asked for help from so many too....
have i done the steps, i believe i have though stalled at ten before i picked up four years ago.
So i can not say if it really works or not cause i can not really say that i have had a spiritual awakening as a result of How it works. I Can say that i have sought God, that these is becoming shaky ground. Though i don't have a problem with the Word. I do have a problem however and i do need help.
and if anyone asks me whats gonna be different this time? i will say i have no clue whats gonna be different this time ....but i wish within every element of my being that something will be different and i can stay sober and not face this utter slow self destructive suicide mission that i am on with alcohol.
That person i met today perhaps was as i thought as i drove home "a channel", i am a believer and do have faith and hope and i am actually very blessed.
But as somebody recently posted i have everything to loose.
i have of course lost myself to a certain degree as the damage caused by my drinking has fallen mainly on my own moral fibre. i could off course have died 100's of time due to the dangerous antisocial situations i can get myself into on a bender. i have been arrested countless times and wound of in the jail countless times. countless fights, i have being mugged, i have drunk drove countless times, i have sprouted from the hilltops what is wrong with society, have been semi unconscious with alcohol poisoning on the side street countless times and i have promoted to a bender drinker of four or five day with the second day usually on the local bench.
When i get sober i get well real quick so much so that i forget all of these results often within a week and believe that i am not an alcoholic.
i quite like that AA is neither promoted or shunned on this marvellous forum but as a very problematic isolator i know i can not get well on my own.
Wanted to share here today....kMACK (NOVEMBER 13)
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Originally Posted by kmacksax 
When i get sober i get well real quick so much so that i forget all of these results often within a week and believe that i am not an alcoholic.
You seem to have found someone who may be enormously helpful to you. A channel? I don’t know. But it sounds like someone who can help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: London
Posts: 8
Back from the meeting. With grace i felt the love and support of my fellows tonight. thank' s for the comments and awuh1 i really appreciate your feedback, i am dedicated to the truth so i will be investigating whatever this thing is......i think it might be "fear" of going beyond a month and relapsing , what with the serial relapser that i have become, and i mentioned that awkward name when sharing tonight, i have used that far too many times.... i have too much to loose...much damage has been done, i am at peace tonight and was welcomed back with love and sincerity this evening, went for some fellowship afterward too... Thank you so much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
I hope AA can work for you better than in the past. All I can say is that it would help you to find a very wise, experienced and caring sponsor to help you, particularly during the first six months of your sobriety. If it were me I'd also make an arrangement with my doctor and/or counselor to have random urine or drug tests on a weekly basis to provide an added incentive. Once your sobriety gets underway I think it would be helpful, as another post said, to focus on what may have triggered your relapses in the past. Is there something inside which is telling you that you don't "deserve" sobriety? Something in the nature of what they call an "Addictive Voice" which urges you to pick up? If so, that's the more primitive part of your brain talking and it's definitely not your friend. It wants you to continue to drink even if that ruins your life. Say NO! Never again!
W.
W.
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