My struggle with alcohol
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 1
My struggle with alcohol
I am a beer drinker. Not just any beer though, I am truly in love with craft beers. I have successfully home brewed beer a number of times trying to make different styles. I am 27 years old and I began drinking at 21.
At first I told myself I was just a "normal college student" experimenting with alcohol and using it as a social lubricant. I eventually was partying almost every night of the week with alcohol and loving life. I soon moved in with some of my drinking buddies and rented a house. There were 7 of us living in a 4 bedroom house, all drinking almost every night. I withdrew from college, ofcourse I was failing all my classes by then. I met my girlfriend. She was not a drinker but she tolerated my drinking as much as she could. She is extremely intelligent and very supportive of me. We were so much in love that we decided to live together 2 years ago.
She did her best to separate me from my drinking buddies, she convinced me that they were only living for the party and had no personal investment in my life. She was 100% correct. While dropping my friends one by one I was quickly martyred from the group for threatening the group with potentially party-ending drama. I was no longer welcome and I lost all my friends.
I began working at a fine dining restaurant and bar where I was regularly released from work around 3am. My job was very mentally exhausting and I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform. I would self-medicate with alcohol at the end of the night. I started out just binge drinking a few nights a week, and then it soon flourished into a permanent habit. I would drink a 6 pack of craft beer every single night I got off work from the hours of 3-6 am. I carefully chose high gravity beers, the higher the better, I thought.
My girlfriend insisted that I stop drinking so much. I promised I would stop, she tends to be correct about these things, after all. I did not stop, in fact my drinking continued only I was hiding beers in my trunk, drinking in the car on the way home, drinking outside before i walk in, drinking behind closed doors etc. etc. I hid the beer in obscure spots and disposed of them when she was not around. One night she woke up in the middle of the night and came looking for me and found me on about my 5th beer.
I was soon caught about once a week. I acted as light hearted about it as I could hoping it would reflect onto her but this time she was serious. I'm ready to buy her an engagement ring and meanwhile our relationship of 4 years is ending.
Yesterday, I woke up in a chair, I had fallen asleep drinking, mostly from over exhaustion working overtime, but I had my 6pack all around me.
A look in the mirror showed the words "its over" written on my forehead in magic marker. I was embarrassed and angry, so many different emotions I can't even explain. I lashed out at her and we got into an argument that ended up with her crying her eyes out. She really meant she is leaving.
Alcohol is an uncompromising demon in my life. She thinks I love the alcohol more than her but in my mind the alcohol is the antagonist and I am losing to it. I cannot let this happen and I must stop drinking for good. I really want help. She says she is moving out next month and my only chance of salvation is a major lifestyle change, and its not even a surefire plan. I love her so much and she is an amazing woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with. My struggle has been with alcohol and at no point did I stop loving her. She says I've damaged her for too long and I don't consider her feelings. She can barely look me in the eyes anymore.
I just want to be free of this, I am so sick of myself.
At first I told myself I was just a "normal college student" experimenting with alcohol and using it as a social lubricant. I eventually was partying almost every night of the week with alcohol and loving life. I soon moved in with some of my drinking buddies and rented a house. There were 7 of us living in a 4 bedroom house, all drinking almost every night. I withdrew from college, ofcourse I was failing all my classes by then. I met my girlfriend. She was not a drinker but she tolerated my drinking as much as she could. She is extremely intelligent and very supportive of me. We were so much in love that we decided to live together 2 years ago.
She did her best to separate me from my drinking buddies, she convinced me that they were only living for the party and had no personal investment in my life. She was 100% correct. While dropping my friends one by one I was quickly martyred from the group for threatening the group with potentially party-ending drama. I was no longer welcome and I lost all my friends.
I began working at a fine dining restaurant and bar where I was regularly released from work around 3am. My job was very mentally exhausting and I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform. I would self-medicate with alcohol at the end of the night. I started out just binge drinking a few nights a week, and then it soon flourished into a permanent habit. I would drink a 6 pack of craft beer every single night I got off work from the hours of 3-6 am. I carefully chose high gravity beers, the higher the better, I thought.
My girlfriend insisted that I stop drinking so much. I promised I would stop, she tends to be correct about these things, after all. I did not stop, in fact my drinking continued only I was hiding beers in my trunk, drinking in the car on the way home, drinking outside before i walk in, drinking behind closed doors etc. etc. I hid the beer in obscure spots and disposed of them when she was not around. One night she woke up in the middle of the night and came looking for me and found me on about my 5th beer.
I was soon caught about once a week. I acted as light hearted about it as I could hoping it would reflect onto her but this time she was serious. I'm ready to buy her an engagement ring and meanwhile our relationship of 4 years is ending.
Yesterday, I woke up in a chair, I had fallen asleep drinking, mostly from over exhaustion working overtime, but I had my 6pack all around me.
A look in the mirror showed the words "its over" written on my forehead in magic marker. I was embarrassed and angry, so many different emotions I can't even explain. I lashed out at her and we got into an argument that ended up with her crying her eyes out. She really meant she is leaving.
Alcohol is an uncompromising demon in my life. She thinks I love the alcohol more than her but in my mind the alcohol is the antagonist and I am losing to it. I cannot let this happen and I must stop drinking for good. I really want help. She says she is moving out next month and my only chance of salvation is a major lifestyle change, and its not even a surefire plan. I love her so much and she is an amazing woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with. My struggle has been with alcohol and at no point did I stop loving her. She says I've damaged her for too long and I don't consider her feelings. She can barely look me in the eyes anymore.
I just want to be free of this, I am so sick of myself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Groveller 
I would be grateful to her. She has probably seen your drinking more clearly than you have and is obviously a smart girl. You have got a great opportunity here to sort out a problem which otherwise could have gotten much worse. Throw yourself into some recovery, whether it is AA, AVRT (Rational Recovery) or SMART recovery and get moving on the whole sober thing. You won't regret it You'll get lots of support here.
Oh and I have heard of lots of people bringing their relationships back from the brink when they get sober. I hope yours will be one of them too x
I would be grateful to her. She has probably seen your drinking more clearly than you have and is obviously a smart girl. You have got a great opportunity here to sort out a problem which otherwise could have gotten much worse. Throw yourself into some recovery, whether it is AA, AVRT (Rational Recovery) or SMART recovery and get moving on the whole sober thing. You won't regret it
You'll get lots of support here.Oh and I have heard of lots of people bringing their relationships back from the brink when they get sober. I hope yours will be one of them too x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Fort Wayne, IN
Posts: 51
I too was a beer snob. Started out with Belgian imports and expensive domestic microbrews. At the time of my last drunk I was drinking dollar Rolling Rocks and cheap vodka. The above is correct about beer snobs having the ability to be alcoholics. Let's hope you never go there. Just ask yourself, with or without the girl....are you now really sick and tired of being sick and tired?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 59
I hear you. Being in the restaurant industry is tough being surrounded by people drinking. And then your coworkers who drink with you. I made a few decisions early on , one I would not be open late ( the heavy drinking crowds com out after 10 ). And I avoid all industry events. I love the taste of wine and the pairing with foods .... Unlike some others we love the taste and the effects making it harder to leave. In your case it seems to me you need to choose between your two Loves of your life except maybe if you think about it this way one is bringing you a lot of grief and the other has the capacity to make your life better. Tough choice for sure. Right now my first love is causing me stress and worry but no too much grief yet and my other love hasn't threatened to leave me.i know I still have to make a choice though and I'm trying to wrap my mind around that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
Being in the restaurant & bar business was my fast downfall. Access proved to be almost deadly. The vapor trail of my past still has a grip on me. Both of my children have gotten DUI's since I've been sober & know I feel like that awful beast is stalking me. I have a hard time disconnecting from the circumstances of my children as I feel somewhat responsible by the bad example I set for them...this is hard for me to let go of for some reason. I feel their pain. I hate feeling this way and often feel useless in trying to help them. I know I have to keep sober as my actions will speak louder than words. But I keep asking myself, 'why is this happening to me now that I'm sober...21 months now and still the wreckage creeps into my mind like the disease did....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 339
You have a very rare opportunity here, I think. You still have a job and at this point you still have the women you love. Obviously your life has become unmanageable. From where you are today it can only get worse if you keep drinking. Trust me!! I hung unto my wife but barely. Everyone finds sobriety differently so mine path will be different from yours. My wife and I went to an AA-Al Anon meeting. Help get your girlfriend informed about your disease and get help, NOW.
Do You Believe
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 112
Groveller,
I can feel your pain as if it were mine. I was a big beer lover, even travelling internationally to beer events. At some point along the way, alcohol took over. I switched to increasingly higher gravity beers until I was drinking malt liqour and vodka. Taste no longer mattered.
Long ago I lost a fiance to drinking (similar to your situation). She left me and wanted nothing to do with me. I cleaned up and went on to a great career and family until drinking caught up to me once again. More than 20 years apart.
Now I am married and we have had many years togther and two children, so when my drinking got out of hand once again, I was fortunate that she stuck beside me. It is a hard decision for your girlfriend. Try and see it from her perspectve. Make a break and move on without the drama of having a potential alcoholic in her life or stay and roll the dice. I imagine myself having to make that decision and I would be hard pressed to make the latter decision rather than the former given what I know.
But you may be different. Back in the early days after college I too worked a tough shift (graveyard) balancing books that allowed me to accelerate my drinking. Sometimes we have to change our environment including our job to get out of the environment that enables our drinking. You are in a job where alcohol abuse runs rampant, and the hours allow for damaging drinking behavior out of the view of most of society including your girlfriend. We loose that natural check and balance that keeps us from doing what "normal" people do. It would also seem abnormal to her to see someone drinking until 6am and not have some negative reaction even though it is likely due to the hours that you worked.
The best thing you can do is stop drinking and prove over time that you are indeed worthy (I know you are) and that the relationship can be salvaged. You are young and have your whole life in front of you. If you are only drinking a 6 pack hopefully you can turn off that habit relatively easy given your age. Believe me it only gets harder.
Hang in there. You have two paths in front of you. Only you can make the decision and it has to be made entirely from within. No external event or person can change your behavior if you indeed have a problem with alcohol. (the definition describes the act of continuing to drink in spite of increasingly adverse effects.)
Believe me I am not judging you or saying that you are or are not having a problem with drinking. That is entirely your call.
Regardless of what happens don't let it get out hand as it is hard to change down the road. This site has so many great tools and people to support you. Look into Rational Recovery (AVRT), SMART, AA, etc to find whatever tools fit you personally.
Welcome to SR!
I can feel your pain as if it were mine. I was a big beer lover, even travelling internationally to beer events. At some point along the way, alcohol took over. I switched to increasingly higher gravity beers until I was drinking malt liqour and vodka. Taste no longer mattered.
Long ago I lost a fiance to drinking (similar to your situation). She left me and wanted nothing to do with me. I cleaned up and went on to a great career and family until drinking caught up to me once again. More than 20 years apart.
Now I am married and we have had many years togther and two children, so when my drinking got out of hand once again, I was fortunate that she stuck beside me. It is a hard decision for your girlfriend. Try and see it from her perspectve. Make a break and move on without the drama of having a potential alcoholic in her life or stay and roll the dice. I imagine myself having to make that decision and I would be hard pressed to make the latter decision rather than the former given what I know.
But you may be different. Back in the early days after college I too worked a tough shift (graveyard) balancing books that allowed me to accelerate my drinking. Sometimes we have to change our environment including our job to get out of the environment that enables our drinking. You are in a job where alcohol abuse runs rampant, and the hours allow for damaging drinking behavior out of the view of most of society including your girlfriend. We loose that natural check and balance that keeps us from doing what "normal" people do. It would also seem abnormal to her to see someone drinking until 6am and not have some negative reaction even though it is likely due to the hours that you worked.
The best thing you can do is stop drinking and prove over time that you are indeed worthy (I know you are) and that the relationship can be salvaged. You are young and have your whole life in front of you. If you are only drinking a 6 pack hopefully you can turn off that habit relatively easy given your age. Believe me it only gets harder.
Hang in there. You have two paths in front of you. Only you can make the decision and it has to be made entirely from within. No external event or person can change your behavior if you indeed have a problem with alcohol. (the definition describes the act of continuing to drink in spite of increasingly adverse effects.)
Believe me I am not judging you or saying that you are or are not having a problem with drinking. That is entirely your call.
Regardless of what happens don't let it get out hand as it is hard to change down the road. This site has so many great tools and people to support you. Look into Rational Recovery (AVRT), SMART, AA, etc to find whatever tools fit you personally.
Welcome to SR!
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