Dagney

Well I'm having trouble with the "coming out" issue I guess.

I live alone and no one in my family or inner circle was privy to how much I was drinking. I only drank by myself. Now that I have quit and admitted that I can never have another drink I don't know how to handle telling them.

They all were aware of my prior 6 years of sobriety and every time I have been around them my moderation experiment looked like it was working beautifully.

My biggest anxiety comes from a comment made at a family gathering not long ago when the toast before dinner,with wine, included a shout out to me for being back amongst the living.

If Christmas wasn't coming up this wouldn't be an issue but I made a drunken commitment to go....ugh Help

Xune

My wife knows, my two Doctors know.

No one else.

It is my business, not the worlds. If anyone who knew the old me asks why I'm not drinking, this is basically what I say.

' I stopped drinking back in July, lost a tonne of weight and discovered that I didn't miss drinking. So now, I don't drink. '

If anyone who didn't know the old me asks, I just reply;

' I don't drink.'

These things need not be overly complicated.

Anna

I told no one. I was very vulnerable and knew instinctively that it was going to be a very personal journey for me. A simple, 'No thanks', should be enough of a response. Try to remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you drinking alcohol or not.

Sazzle

Hi Dagney. I am not planning on outing myself with any labels to anyone other than my parents and sisters who already know.

It's no one's business and, you know what folk are like? They all have opinions, better ways of dealing with what you're going through, 'oh you mean you're an alcoholic, what about the rum in that Christmas cake' palava! I just can't be dealing.

So far I have just told people that I'm not drinking tonight/ taking a break etc. One person plonked a glass of wine in front of me while I was chatting and laughing with friends and said 'have a drink you miserable b*gger'. I just carried on laughing, turned to him and said 'are you kidding me?!, I'm funnier than you any day if the week, sober' everyone laughed and my friend took the drink for herself.

My issue is that other people have the issue! If they start questioning me I question right back. I know so many people, for whatever reason don't drink and they don't have to justify it each time they are out.

Don't get me wrong, my sobriety is important to me but I like to keep it light around others. I don't want to be treated with kid gloves. I've done that to my friend who actually later introduced me to AA. I was so wrong and I can see now how strong she was.

It's your business, walk away, change the subject if you have to but you shouldn't be the target in someone else's toast. If they have a problem with you, they most likely have a problem themselves or they are normal drinkers who just toast twice a year!

Good luck

S x

Sazzle

Xune, I'm pinching your responses if that's ok. Simple and effective! Thanks

S x

Dee74

I think partners etc need to know...outside that, tell as many or as few people as you feel comfortable with.

If you're uncomfortable with your Christmas commitments because of your recovery, why not break them?

D

D

hypochondriac

It is for reasons similar to this that I told my family Dagney. They're all big drinkers and I dreaded them trying to persuade me to drink or make sarky comments about me not drinking. I was just like you in that I mainly drank by myself and live alone so no one really knew the extent of my problem. I don't necessarily think my family get it or even quite believe me somehow but they really have questioned their own drinking behaviour. I am glad I told them now because even if they are not much of a support for me at least they now have an example of an alcoholic who doesn't fit their previous prejudiced criteria. I feel that by being honest about it I can help other people if need be, even if that is just my sis who has stopped drinking so much since I quit. Tell them if you think it would help, but of course you can also not tell them if you don't feel comfortable about it. And cancelling Xmas plans is a totally viable option too. Just tell them you have a virus and don't want to make them ill... x

Citrus

I will not tell anyone anything except my hubby and my super supportive best friend. My family would be extremely judgmental as well and I really don't need that kind of negativity in my life.
I agree with others maybe it would be good if you could back out of Christmas this year.

Grimes

i did the same as xune to coworkers, just said i was trying to get healthy so wanted to quit for a while. i live alone too, and havent told my family. but as long as im healthy, im sure they dont need to know how bad it was.

AnotherPaul

This is a very personal decision for each of us.

I made the choice to tell my entire family and all of my close friends. I simply don't want there to be any social setting where a thought like, "You can have a beer or two, no one here knows, they won't think anything of it" can creep in.

I'm not telling any of my secondary friends or acquaintances or whatever you want to call them, because they don't really need to know.

But that's me and your mileage may vary.

I think the most important thing is what Anna (and my counselor at the detox center) said: You don't owe anybody any explanation. Tell whomever you want, don't tell whomever you want, and if anyone offers you a drink or asks why you're not drinking, the answer can be as simple as, "I just don't really enjoy it any more" or "I'm just trying to get healthier". End of discussion.

ladyjane3

Dagney, it sounds like you don't really have to go to this event. Can you just fake a cold at the last minute, or an emergency, or tell everyone you simply decided to be selfish and go someplace on your own for a few days?

FeelingGreat

Hi, I find it hard to keep these things to myself so I say I'm 'on the wagon' at the moment. If they ask why I tell the truth; I was beginning to rely on it too much. I'm like you in that I used to drink alone and no-one was aware I had a problem.
You might be surprised how many people worry about their own drinking. I've had lots of feedback along those lines.

Dagney

Thank you everyone. Good advice, all of it. I don't need to tell anyone if I don't want to and I won't let my family guilt or shame me into a drink either.

Someone once said to me "family it's not a word it's a sentence" . Couldn't be more true than at Christmas time!!!!

DisplacedGRITS

well, i was a social drinker and a very intense at home, isolated drinker. but my drinking at parties was pretty out of control as well. i think everyone probably had an idea that i was a lush at the very least. i ended up moving away from my family and friends due to my husband's job and spent a couple of years in alcoholic isolation in our new state before i started my sobriety. i ended up outing myself on my Facebook page. i figured i didn't have anything to lose really. my friends are generally very laid back and easy going and i figured i'd beat all the family gossips to the punch if i outed myself instead of letting the rumors fly. so i update my Facebook page on my anniversaries and am open about it. yesterday was my 9 month anniversary! the support i get is overwhelming and i am not ashamed. i think it's going to make the parties and such pretty easy for me this year too. i don't post about my struggles, only my positive outlook on life and sobriety. so when i visit and have Christmas parties, i won't get funny looks for bringing sparkling cider, lol! and i know no one's going to look at me and think "poor Lisa! she can't drink!" because all my updates are about how my life without alcohol has opened me up and changed me for the good. my struggles i save for here.

i know i'm probably on the rather extreme edge of openness but that's how i roll. i don't open conversations with "hi i'm Lisa! i'm an alcoholic!" but i don't shy away from it if someone's direct with me. as long as i'm in recovery, i just don't have any shame.