Trying for Balance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Trying for Balance
I am a 42 yr old female. I am very fortunate and I have a loving family. I also love to drink. I have been drinking about 4 drinks per day for the past 15 years. I occassionally binge drink. for me that is 6 to 8 drinks. After that my body shuts down and I get very sick. the only thing I hate more than the idea of never drinking again is when I drink too much and I fell like death. I have had alcohol poisoning on a few occasions, the first time I had alcohol poisining back in college I ended up in the hospital) I didnt drink for a long time after that, but I resumed and what was weekend drinking in my early twenties became daily drinking after.
Drinking so far has not caused me any "real " problems. never had a DUI, do not have financial problems and I own a very successful business. Also my family (my husband and my sisters_ have never given me a hard time about my drinking because my daily drinking doesnt cause problems. I imagine then you might think then what is the problem. I am worried that drinking is very bad for my health. according to the experts my chances for increased rates of cancer and other diseases are greater. I have been drinking every day (except when I was pregnant when I did drink a few times. just a glass of wine every now and then ) yes I did drink a little when I was pregnant. And then when I was breast feeding I went back to drinking my regular amount. I even got the test strips to test my milk for alcohol since I was also pumping milk. My son now 5 is doing well but I still feel the guilt that maybe he drank milk with alcohol and he has to deal with a mom that cannot get up super early in the morning and occasionally is too hung over to play with him. I am in good health. I ask my doctor every year to do the expanded liver tests to check my liver and she says it is fine. but i am still worried and wonder why I cannot stop drinking. I have started going to a therapist to see if there are deeper issues at play. but I still love drinking. To make things worse because I am in the restaurant industry I am constantly surrounded by great alcohol,I have to do wine and spirit tastings to choose the best ones for our menus. I have also created cocktails for our lists. I enjoy every kind of alcohol mostly wine but I can enjoy good tequilas , bourbons, vodkas, gins, etc) and to boot my husband is a wine collector. So combine that to the love of food and to me its unthinkable to have a good meal without some great wine. but I digress. I have often driven in a drunken state. I now have a breathalizer in my car. I am really trying to do everything I can to continue drinking. When I drink sometimes during the day when I dont have to work I make sure I eat something like kale, sardines and a milk thistle tea along with it. I am obsessed with counter acting the effect of alcohol on my system. I drink coconut water to replenish fluids and lots of lemon juice to cleanse my system. I feel that the only thing that will get me to stop is to get sick, get arrested, or worse. I always thought there was a range to alocoholism . it is very gray and maybe the whole thing of hitting bottom is true. I feel that all I want to do is avoid hitting bottom. I never let it get out of control. Because this is what I have to do to keep on drinking Almost like I am willing to go to great lengths to continue drinking. I feel like I'm in love with a dangerous person and in order to continue with the relationship I have to do things that go against my rational being and will probably one day cause me great suffering. So far I am keeping it together because everything in my life is going well but if something bad would happen I think that things could get much worse.
Drinking so far has not caused me any "real " problems. never had a DUI, do not have financial problems and I own a very successful business. Also my family (my husband and my sisters_ have never given me a hard time about my drinking because my daily drinking doesnt cause problems. I imagine then you might think then what is the problem. I am worried that drinking is very bad for my health. according to the experts my chances for increased rates of cancer and other diseases are greater. I have been drinking every day (except when I was pregnant when I did drink a few times. just a glass of wine every now and then ) yes I did drink a little when I was pregnant. And then when I was breast feeding I went back to drinking my regular amount. I even got the test strips to test my milk for alcohol since I was also pumping milk. My son now 5 is doing well but I still feel the guilt that maybe he drank milk with alcohol and he has to deal with a mom that cannot get up super early in the morning and occasionally is too hung over to play with him. I am in good health. I ask my doctor every year to do the expanded liver tests to check my liver and she says it is fine. but i am still worried and wonder why I cannot stop drinking. I have started going to a therapist to see if there are deeper issues at play. but I still love drinking. To make things worse because I am in the restaurant industry I am constantly surrounded by great alcohol,I have to do wine and spirit tastings to choose the best ones for our menus. I have also created cocktails for our lists. I enjoy every kind of alcohol mostly wine but I can enjoy good tequilas , bourbons, vodkas, gins, etc) and to boot my husband is a wine collector. So combine that to the love of food and to me its unthinkable to have a good meal without some great wine. but I digress. I have often driven in a drunken state. I now have a breathalizer in my car. I am really trying to do everything I can to continue drinking. When I drink sometimes during the day when I dont have to work I make sure I eat something like kale, sardines and a milk thistle tea along with it. I am obsessed with counter acting the effect of alcohol on my system. I drink coconut water to replenish fluids and lots of lemon juice to cleanse my system. I feel that the only thing that will get me to stop is to get sick, get arrested, or worse. I always thought there was a range to alocoholism . it is very gray and maybe the whole thing of hitting bottom is true. I feel that all I want to do is avoid hitting bottom. I never let it get out of control. Because this is what I have to do to keep on drinking Almost like I am willing to go to great lengths to continue drinking. I feel like I'm in love with a dangerous person and in order to continue with the relationship I have to do things that go against my rational being and will probably one day cause me great suffering. So far I am keeping it together because everything in my life is going well but if something bad would happen I think that things could get much worse.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
That's quite an intro, Mafalda. Welcome to SR, and glad you found us.
Your post makes me think of a couple of things. There's the monkey trap, a hole large enough for the monkey's open hand but smaller than its fist, and a banana inside. The monkey gets caught because it will grab the banana and it simply won't let go. Its loss of freedom, and even loss of life, is the result. All over a lousy banana.
A long time ago I was in a bad relationship, and my relationship with alcohol was similar. She lied, she cheated, she stole, she made me look like a fool. Sound familiar? I broke up with alcohol the same way. Lost the number, the address, never went where she was and just stayed away.
You can be free of this constant worry you have, you can stop being imprisoned by this deep pleasure that alcohol brings. You can just let go of that banana.
Your post makes me think of a couple of things. There's the monkey trap, a hole large enough for the monkey's open hand but smaller than its fist, and a banana inside. The monkey gets caught because it will grab the banana and it simply won't let go. Its loss of freedom, and even loss of life, is the result. All over a lousy banana.
A long time ago I was in a bad relationship, and my relationship with alcohol was similar. She lied, she cheated, she stole, she made me look like a fool. Sound familiar? I broke up with alcohol the same way. Lost the number, the address, never went where she was and just stayed away.
You can be free of this constant worry you have, you can stop being imprisoned by this deep pleasure that alcohol brings. You can just let go of that banana.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
I think Pete Hamill said it in his book A Drinking Life. He felt like he was living his life like squeezing tooth paste on to a toothbrush through a pin size hole. For me, I found it so much easier to just quit alcohol. I too never had any arrests, no financial problems, no real relationship problems, but constantly worried about what alcohol was doing to my body physically. Once I quit (over a 1 1/2 years ago) all those worries went away. Don't get me wrong, quitting was not an easy task. It was so hard in the beginning, but it gets easier with time. Trying to balance the alcohol was too exhausting. I hated that even more than quitting completely.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 100
If by "Trying for balance" you mean that your goal is moderation, or cutting down on your drinking, let me politely suggest that: you will not find much support for that here; and, therapy and/or posting here are not going to help you keep alcohol a part of your life. This is not about techniques or self-exploration that will enable you to control your drinking.
If you have a desire to stop drinking, or are at least open-minded about the possibility that you may have to give up drinking entirely, this forum can be very helpful.
The lengths you are going to to keep alcohol in your life are sad and frightening. I am not sure what you mean by the "whole thing" of hitting bottom, but I do know there is no need to wait for that. Also, the sad truth is that an illness or catastrophic event is not, in itself, something that will make you willing and/or able to give it up. Why not give it a try now, before something terrible happens? I truly wish you the best.
If you have a desire to stop drinking, or are at least open-minded about the possibility that you may have to give up drinking entirely, this forum can be very helpful.
The lengths you are going to to keep alcohol in your life are sad and frightening. I am not sure what you mean by the "whole thing" of hitting bottom, but I do know there is no need to wait for that. Also, the sad truth is that an illness or catastrophic event is not, in itself, something that will make you willing and/or able to give it up. Why not give it a try now, before something terrible happens? I truly wish you the best.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
you are working very hard to include alcohol to excess in your life. i guess it's balance if you've got an elephant on each end of the scale but i sure feel bad for the scale.
what i think you need to understand is that you are avoiding acceptance. if you are a typical alcoholic, and you probably are, you cannot balance this out. we must accept our lives for what they are. for me, i am an alcoholic. i cannot drink. i have allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind when it comes to alcohol. when i allow alcohol into my life, it takes over and it becomes the focus of what i do. i no longer live and enjoy life. i live to drink and get away with it. read what you wrote. you've been getting away with it for a while. no one is going to come take alcohol away from you. as adults living in the world, it is up to us to deal with it ourselves. it isn't easy and it isn't pleasant and the only person who can do it is you but you deserve the peace of mind that comes with sobriety. you can keep making excuses for your need to drink or you can make the decision to stop the madness and start bringing peace into your life. it's not easy, it's going to be uncomfortable at times but it's worth all the work.
also, i love food, cooking and enjoy a wide variety of non-alcoholic drinks. when i go to a restaurant that has something besides a Shirley Temple or a flavored tea on their non-alcoholic drink menu, i am absolutely thrilled. ethnic restaurants are so much fun because they often have at least one interesting non-alcoholic drink. so consider it a challenge.
what i think you need to understand is that you are avoiding acceptance. if you are a typical alcoholic, and you probably are, you cannot balance this out. we must accept our lives for what they are. for me, i am an alcoholic. i cannot drink. i have allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind when it comes to alcohol. when i allow alcohol into my life, it takes over and it becomes the focus of what i do. i no longer live and enjoy life. i live to drink and get away with it. read what you wrote. you've been getting away with it for a while. no one is going to come take alcohol away from you. as adults living in the world, it is up to us to deal with it ourselves. it isn't easy and it isn't pleasant and the only person who can do it is you but you deserve the peace of mind that comes with sobriety. you can keep making excuses for your need to drink or you can make the decision to stop the madness and start bringing peace into your life. it's not easy, it's going to be uncomfortable at times but it's worth all the work.
also, i love food, cooking and enjoy a wide variety of non-alcoholic drinks. when i go to a restaurant that has something besides a Shirley Temple or a flavored tea on their non-alcoholic drink menu, i am absolutely thrilled. ethnic restaurants are so much fun because they often have at least one interesting non-alcoholic drink. so consider it a challenge.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
Your little boy is only five. If you stop now, he will have very few memories of his mom getting drunk. What will you do when your expanded liver enzyme panel shows a problem? Having a breathalyzer in your car is not a normal behavior.
Do you want to quit?
Do you want to quit?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 96
If your having this much internal debate. I believe you soon will see that YOU have the answer already. So just decide. I did in March of this year. I will never look back. And I don't have the worries about my health anymore. Good luck to you. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Got this information CDC website about safe level of daily drinking. You'r drinking 4 times the safe level for drinking alcohol. Sorry but it's something to think about good. Goo luck every everything.
What does moderate drinking mean?
According to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans,1 moderate alcohol consumption is defined as having up to 1 drink per day for women and up to 2 drinks per day for men. This definition is referring to the amount consumed on any single day and is not intended as an average over several days. The Dietary Guidelines also state that it is not recommended that anyone begin drinking or drink more frequently on the basis of potential health benefits because moderate alcohol intake also is associated with increased risk of breast cancer, violence, drowning, and injuries from falls and motor vehicle crashes.
What does moderate drinking mean?
According to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans,1 moderate alcohol consumption is defined as having up to 1 drink per day for women and up to 2 drinks per day for men. This definition is referring to the amount consumed on any single day and is not intended as an average over several days. The Dietary Guidelines also state that it is not recommended that anyone begin drinking or drink more frequently on the basis of potential health benefits because moderate alcohol intake also is associated with increased risk of breast cancer, violence, drowning, and injuries from falls and motor vehicle crashes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Thank you all for the honest feedback. From reading some of these posts it does seem that a lot of you get that Aha moment, a DUI , problems with a loved one, or some other wake up moment. My wake up moment is just taking a lot longer. I have reduced the amounts I drink. I have stopped going to industry events because those are like going to an all you can eat buffet and being on a diet. I avoid social situations since everyone I know and I mean everyone drinks. My husbands family drinks a lot. So every family reunion I make it a point to arrive late And go to bed early. My therapist says it would not be right to ask my husband to stop drinking to help me out. He drinks more than the recommended daily ( we drink a bottle of wine for dinner every night and when he goes out he drinks more. He doesn't seem to have a problem with it and the long term health risks don't bother him. I have convinced him to at least get his doctor to also monitor his liver. His father is an alcoholic who still drinks so sometimes I don't understand why he doesn't fear alcohol with that kind of experience. I have asked him and he says the only thing that bothers him about his dad is bad behaviors and his dad has stopped those because they have threatend him that if he drinks too much and shows it then they will stop seeing him. I guess he now drinks less because of that threat at least when the family is around. So I see a fair amount of disfunction as far as people's relationship to alcohol. Don't know a single person who has stopped drinking. I think I have to meet some new people!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Mafalda,
First, welcome to SR! I am almost 42 (this Wednesday) and decided to stop drinking for good 59 days ago, so I am far from an expert on this sobriety thing.
I have three kiddos, 9,8, and 5 and work full time. I never had a DUI, alcohol related illness, or financial issues due to my drinking, but it was beginning to get out of control. One glass led to a bottle, then a larger bottle. I tried moderating my drinking, measuring how much wine I was drinking, watching the clock wondering "is it too early to drink on a Saturday." Thinking back it was exhausting how much time I was spending thinking and planning around my drinking. Sounds like you are spending s lot of time doing some of the same things.
I won't say every day has been easy, but I can tell you that I have not once regretted waking up sober, tomorrow will be 60 days for me and my greatest support has been SR.
Spend some time reading posts and different options for recovery. Hope to continue to see you on here.
First, welcome to SR! I am almost 42 (this Wednesday) and decided to stop drinking for good 59 days ago, so I am far from an expert on this sobriety thing.
I have three kiddos, 9,8, and 5 and work full time. I never had a DUI, alcohol related illness, or financial issues due to my drinking, but it was beginning to get out of control. One glass led to a bottle, then a larger bottle. I tried moderating my drinking, measuring how much wine I was drinking, watching the clock wondering "is it too early to drink on a Saturday." Thinking back it was exhausting how much time I was spending thinking and planning around my drinking. Sounds like you are spending s lot of time doing some of the same things.
I won't say every day has been easy, but I can tell you that I have not once regretted waking up sober, tomorrow will be 60 days for me and my greatest support has been SR.
Spend some time reading posts and different options for recovery. Hope to continue to see you on here.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Yes, Mafalda, i think meeting some people who have quit drinking would help you a fair bit. I get lots of hope, inspiration and encouraement from meeting with other sober people. Also, just being around other people who are doing what i do is nice. It reminds me that what i'm doing is important to me and that it's not strange. There are many who have made the same decision and we come together to support each other through it. Fellowship is a beautiful thing. Treasure it. If your husband will get on board with you then that's great but don't base your sobriety on him joining you. His role will always just be one of support in your sobriety. Nothing for you to lean on too hard or to base your sobriety on. Just another supportive member of your sober living community. If doesn't join you in sobriety, you still need to do this for yourself, it'll just be harder. But his role doesn't change. He's always going to be just your support. In my experience, with my husband, in this part of my life he is not my partner. He's not my equal. He's just a supportive role to my lead. Because if he tried to lead me around in sobriety or if i tried to have him carry me through it, we'd both fail. You must stand on your own two feet here and just hope that things go the way you want around you regarding your husband joining you. If things don't, you soldier on and do what you have to do for yourself and have faith that he'll do what's right for him eventually.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Hi Mafalda! I'm really new here too and (like you, sounds like) in a weird, scary early place where I've admitted I have a drinking problem but I'm not truly in sobriety yet. Reading posts & asking questions on SR has already helped me understand my (sick) relationship with alcohol better. There are a lot of good people here and lots of support and good advice. I hope you stick around!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
It would be difficult to be around alcohol a lot, especially early in sobriety. I asked my husband to stop drinking when I first quit. I told him, just till I got over the hump. He was more than happy to stop....and actually hasn't had a drink since and that was last June!
We laugh now how much money and calories we used to waste on alcohol. We both feel better about our health and lifestyle these days. One of my close friends who I drank wine with, has recently followed my example
Stick with SR - we are your new sober buddies
We laugh now how much money and calories we used to waste on alcohol. We both feel better about our health and lifestyle these days. One of my close friends who I drank wine with, has recently followed my example
Stick with SR - we are your new sober buddies
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
At one point i did add up the empty booze/wine calories......it was almost 2000 a day for my 8-10 glasses of cabernet. When i first quit i used to substitute some cookies or chocolate, i still saved 1,000 calories a day. Or about 2# a week.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Wow, it sounds like you're putting so much effort, time and energy into being able to continue drinking. I so relate to you in that I put all that and more into hiding my drinking from my husband. It was exhausting and took over my thoughts. I was so relieved to stop drinking and begin to recover.
And, yes, it's a given that alcoholism is a progessive disease and it will get worse. I hope you decide to stop drinking.
And, yes, it's a given that alcoholism is a progessive disease and it will get worse. I hope you decide to stop drinking.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
From reading some of these posts it does seem that a lot of you get that Aha moment, a DUI , problems with a loved one, or some other wake up moment. My wake up moment is just taking a lot longer.
A lot of peoples wake up moments are quiet, internal ones - they just decide they don't want to live that way anymore
There's no need to wait for some kind of train crash to quit...if you've had enough - then do it.
Draw a line under your drinking career today
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
