thisisforellie

I have been sober for almost two and half years. It has been hard, but also very rewarding. There have been difficult times, but I feel like I have developed so many great tools to work with to reduce my anxiety and see the world differently.

Last month my brother was murdered. He was stabbed on the street after leaving a bar. I did not drink. This Friday, my grandmother passed away. Things are starting to mount up for me. Life is becoming confusing and sad. I am wondering "what do I have to look froward to?" I am at a loss for real joy. I am thinking about drinking again. I am thinking "I would love to just be able to look forward to a glass of wine at the end of the week."

I am the mother of a 2 and a half year old. I try to have a little time after she goes to bed to draw, drink tea and watch tv. This has been a good thing off and on. But now it seems empty. I really just want that drink. Everyone else around me opens up a beer, and they are fine. THey maybe have two and then go to bed.

I want something to look forward to. Life is too short. I MISS LOOKING FORWARD TO A DRINK.

Ugggh. I am not going to drink today. But man, things just seems boring, numb, lifeless and monotonous. This seems like it will last forever.

I keep waiting for some magic miracle, some major change that shows me my true purpose, that gives me true lasting joy. I keep waiting for the higher power to burst in. Am I not noticing the little things? How does it even work.

Some examples of great things happening in sober lives would really help.

2granddaughters

Are you going to AA meetings?

All the best.

Bob R

Anna

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and mother, and understandably you must be grieving the loss of both of them. It's not surprising that you are finding it difficult to see joy in your life, as you are grieving the loss.

I hope that you are able to focus on yourself and your daughter and find joy in your life.

thisisforellie

I do AA, but I haven't been to a meeting in a while.

Dave42001

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family... Thinking about you!

FenwayFaithful

I am really sorry for both of your losses. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now and are clearly a very strong person.

I completely understand the desire to drink or the desire to have just a couple glasses of wine and at the end of a hard day or a hard week or out to dinner etc. But the problem with that is it's never just one night, or one glass.

There's a lot of reasons you quit drinking including your daughter. But I'm sure one of them is that you couldn't control how much or how often you drank and it had negative consequence for you.

The "positives" of alcohol don't outweigh the negatives at all. It gets out of control, causes you to feel more depressed and causes you to feel sick the next day.

I think a lot of what you're dealing with right now is grief. That is very understandable given the tragedies of the last few months. However, drinking won't make the grief go away. It won't help you deal with it. It'll still be there in the morning.

Maybe hit up a meeting ? I'm not a huge AA fan but it does help you feel less alone, it's a place where people will listen and offer you encouragement, a place where you can be reminded of what alcohol does to you.

Best of luck to you. I hope you make thorough this sober. I have faith that you can. You've already done it for 2 and a half years.

Again I am really sorry for the loss of your brother and your Grandma.

Spirit08

It sounds like you have lost hope. What you describe is living life on life's terms. To stop drinking and stay stopped, we need the fellowship and the steps.

Delilah1

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and your grandmother. Two and a half years sober is a tremendous accomplishment, and you should feel very proud of doing this for you and your daughter.

I am sending prayers and hugs to you. You will find lots of support on here. If you feel like drinking log on to SR instead.

MsJax

Hi thisisforellie . I am so sorry you are feeling so down & overwhelmed right now. Congratulations on your lengthy sobriety. Please keep in mind just what your 2+ years means...and think through the whole scenario that drinking now would bring. Back in 2006 I drank again after over 6 years of sobriety, I blamed it on stress, overwork, relationship stress, and complacency. Please know, this bender lasted 4.5 years and I almost killed myself. All because I picked up one drink on an awful day in September of 2006. Don't be me.

What little things can help right now? Even simple stuff helps. A clean orderly household. Good fresh foods. Writing down 5 things you are grateful for (yes this will be hard but even something like having hot water can be one). Sit outside for 5 minutes and take deep breaths. Take a hot shower and cry and let the tears flow down the drain.

My heart goes out to you, so sorry for your losses. Keep posting !

Caldus

Are you in AA? Get to a lot of meetings, make a lot of calls, call your sponsor, and talk to us on here. You say you have been developing tools for years now ... are you using them? I know how difficult your situation must be, but what we used to do to cope with life is not going to work now or ever and you know that. Drinking is the wrong choice. Your life will get even worse than what it is right now if you take that first drink. You don't know what will happen. "Having a few glasses of wine after the day is over" is a pipe dream for an alcoholic and you probably know that. If you drink, you will deal with worse feelings and circumstances than what you are dealing with now.

Whatever program you are working on (whether it's AA or not), this is the time to really be using the tools you've been developing over the years. Now is the time to use them. Say a prayer. Meditate. I know it's difficult but you will feel a little bit better after doing those things. Good luck!

Just like with life ... sobriety will have its ups and downs. It's never always up or always down. With drinking it will always progressively get worse over time guaranteed. At least with sobriety you have a chance to make it out of the abyss.

Goatspider85

thisisforsllie- 2 and a half years is awesome. I just recently celebrated 3 years. I'm sorry for your loss. I cant imagine how you must feel. But I do know is that taking a drink will help nothing. Through working the steps I have found that my feelings and emotions are normal because I am imperfect and in step 3 I quit playing GOD. Sometimes I feel no serenity and no peace of mind. Sometimes i feel physically sick and drained. Sometimes I pay all my bills and have barely anything left for myself. But I dont drink because I have been restored to sanity. The winds of life still blow when we get sober but it is amazing how much the winds can blow on a alcoholic and that alcoholic still not drink. That is sanity, because for a alcoholic to drink is insane. By me staying in steps 10,11,12, I am maintaining and growing my sobriety. When I work with another alcoholic all my problems disappear.

thisisforellie

Thank you everyone! This is just what I need to read.

thisisforellie

Thank you everyone. THis is really helping. I am not going to drink today.

TSDD

IMO the "miracle" is that you feel like that, all those losses happened, and you're NOT DRINKING. Personally I'd say making it past noon without at least smoking a joint was pretty miraculous for me.

I would suggest writing out your story (your history with drinking). Post it here, or not. If you type slow, say it out loud into a tape recorder. Then listen to it or read it yourself..... then see if the prospect of drinking is something to "look forward to".

For me if I told my track record with drinking to a 5 year old, by the time I was @ 18 years old they would be asking "why on earth would you keep doing that?"

You are grieving. It takes time, what you feel is normal. Some losses hurt for a long time. Personally I belong to AA and have learned there that if I'm feeling sorry for myself I can spend some time with someone who is struggling to stay sober and it generally gets me out of my own head and improves my perspective on life.

Ghostly

I am just over two and a half years, which is pretty close to you.

I totally relate to this:

I think we both need to remember how bad things were when we were drinking. For me anyway, its easy to forget how hopeless things were, and how I was spiraling.

Congrats on the sober time. I hope you stay strong, and find what you are looking for to stay on this journey.

awuh1

Given what has happened, what you are feeling now is normal. The FACT is that it will not last forever. Don’t fill the emptiness with a drink, fill it with hope that some good might eventually come from events that can, at first, look only tragic or evil. I have seen this more often that I can count.

thisisforellie

I also talked with a sober friend today, and realized that I was only "looking forward" to an idea of drinking -- that drinking itself would actually be awful...

thisisforellie

I agree -- rationally I know this can't last forever. And when I have clarity, I can see that growth and good can come from these experiences.

BabyJane

Wow two and a half years sober and walking through some REALLY tough stuff - what an inspiration you are to me and so many others. I don't know if it helps but when I read your post I started thinking about my dad. I'm a couple weeks sober and my dad has been struggling with his own alcoholism. He is the love of my life, my best friend, my teacher... but he's also really sick right now and doctors are telling him even if he quits drinking he may not have long to live because he also has Hep C.

My fear is that I won't be able to stay sober you know because if he died I just don't even begin to fathom what I would do to cope with that without a drink / drug to numb the pain. I've already relapsed just out of fear before. But then I see that people DO make it past these horrible things like you have done and that gives me hope because I think to myself, "if this person can do it so can I."

So thank you for this post. You are dealing with a lot PLUS you're a mom and I just think you're amazing. I hope you start to feel better soon. Time is a patitent and slow healer but it's an effective one. Just get through each day and you'll smile again. The good times will mean even more to you because you've had to suffer and you've faced your feelings instead of hiding from them.

regeneration

thisisforellie.... the early stages of grieving are like swimming through treacle... often nothing makes sense, and you've had 2 people close to you die in the last month, and what happened with your brother must be a real shock.

What others say about it being hard makes sense... go easy on yourself, get all the support you need/can. Well done on being sober for the time you have, you're going to need that to help you through this. I drunk at my last bereavement, it just put everything on hold.

Keep coming on here for support if you need it. Thoughts are with you.