Input needed

Old 12-07-2012, 05:11 PM
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Input needed

So my last day of drinking was Saint Patricks Day. My life is definitely going better. I have owned all of my drunken remarks to family, friends and others that were subjected. My conduct was shall we say unbecoming of a 46 year old man. My question is how to go about restoring my relationship with my wife. Of course there were things said over the years and I have done what I can do. We have been seeing a therapist and yet it is not helping. I love my wife and I want our marriage to remain in tact. However, I am see that during a therapy meeting things reguarding forgiveness are talked through things agreed upon. Then we get home. Its as though the gloves are off. I almost wondering if she is trying to make me buckle so I drink. This is not going to happen. I've told her this stuff has to stop or I'm going to have to move out. Guess what the response is. "You subjected me to it for years and now you your moving because of it. " "Sick it up". Well my question is will this pass or should I just go? Any help is appreciated.
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Old 12-07-2012, 05:22 PM
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mytime, I'm not yet sober more than a couple of days but I think I can speak to this because I can relate it to my own relationship. I said and did horrible things to my wife and family while drunk that most would consider unforgiveable. I understand her frustration and her skeptical view of my attempt at recovery. She will also pick fights with me and bring up stuff from years ago.

If it's worth it, you'll stick with it. If you've caused harm that she can't get over regardless of professional help, that may be something you have to own. Why don't you have a blunt assessment of this in one of your therapy sessions?
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Old 12-07-2012, 05:23 PM
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I'm not an expert but maybe she just needs more time. Of course, you do have to protect your own sobriety. Have you discussed with the therapist the actions at home? I sympathize but I just don't know. Guess I am not much help at all.
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Old 12-07-2012, 05:25 PM
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Welcome, and I have to say, that is really awful to have to deal with.

Yes, we all caused problems for our loved ones. Marriages are strained. However, at some point, you need to decide whether it's worth it to keep working at it. Personally, I would not have allowed myself to listen to things like that, nine months after I was in recovery. I certainly understand that forgiveness can come gradually over time, but that doesn't give your wife the right to verbally abuse you at this point.
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Old 12-08-2012, 03:15 AM
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Your wife is hurting from the past. Hurt people hurt others. Please be patient.

S x
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Old 12-08-2012, 03:25 AM
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Above all you should protect your sobriety. If you think your wife is playing games now as some kind of revenge scheme then let her. If you have to go because you think your sobriety is in danger then do it, not permanently, but just for a while to let things cool down. Either she will figure out what she is doing is pushing you away or just keep doing it. And then you will have a much better idea of what to do.

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Old 12-08-2012, 04:57 AM
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Thanks all for your thoughts I truly appreciate it.
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Old 12-08-2012, 05:13 AM
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I know NOTHING about your situation, so will just share something I realized in mine.

Yes, my substance abuse, and other behaviors were real issues and did damage to my marriage.


He has his issues and behaviors as well.

It was easy to point the finger at me because my behavior had a label. Getting sober, of course, didn't mean I had ironed out all my issues and bad behavior, but it did allow me to see more clearly that I wasn't THE problem in the marriage. It was a complex thing and we both needed to work if we wanted to fix it.

My ex wasn't the only one who had been hurt and had valid grudges and resentments.

I agree that we must understand that the hurt, lies, etc that we caused don't disappear overnight, and that we should give them time and space to heal, but we must also watch out that we are not, out of a sense of guilt, putting up with some things that we shouldn't.

It's not uncommon for someone to get into recovery and then realize that their relationship has been bad or abusive for a very long time.

I must own my own choices and behaviors, but not assume I am responsible for the choices and behaviors of my partner.
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