eddie z.

I always post on the Newcomers board when I don't know where a thread belongs, so I'm posting this here.

I'm supposed to be calling two people every day as part of my campaign against depression and isolation. So I called my sponsor but she couldn't talk. Then I didn't know who else to call.

But I almost called my ex-husband because he's one person I can really talk to. The problem is he's an active alcoholic/addict and I'm, I think, a recovering one. In other words, I never know the state he's going to be in when I call.

I wonder if I should have called anyway. I wonder how talking to a high/drunk person would affect me. And what if he were sober? And what if I couldn't deal with him? Could I just hang up?

He may be moving to the city I live in and I want to be prepared. I know I need those boundary things. But he has reached out to me in the past. I suggest meetings, but don't know what else to do, if anything.

I'm really feeling down and part of me thought talking to him might cheer me up, I guess. I'm also happily re-married and the ex is a bit of an issue with my husband.

So...anybody from the Mental Health, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, NA, Substance Abuse, R.A.P.S, AA, or whatever forum got any feedback? Thanks.

Love, Eddie

In memory of miracle

((((eddie))))- I feel ya on the depression thing..I have it also..I think you already know the answer on callin the x! Maybe you should call ghost busters? (sorry tryin to make you laugh) Trish... :tongue3:

Moontime

Eddie, I wouldn't call anyone who's in active addiction. Do you have a phone list of woman in the fellowship?

bikewench

Eddie...

Calling your ex...

Well... I'm one who believes that every one has something to offer... but... one should take their own emotional state * at that moment * into account when deciding whether to interact with someone... just like you did.

I don't take with this "cutting" people out of my life just cause their using.... or just cause I was once in a relationship with that person... or cause someone else has a problem with me hanging with someone.

I think we need to rely on our HP for our strength and intuition... and if I has having a pronounced urge to connect with someone... I might just check it out in case my HP has left something for me there...

Learning about and standing up for personal boundaries is a part of recovery as well I believe.
But.. that's just me. ; )

Dan

eddie, I tend to side with bike on this one. Ex might reveal something to you, or about you. Walk softly.
DD

amandaleepiscea

Eddie-
What a wonderful thing that you had this place to come before you chose to act! This is my first time on this site and I am hopeful that I may have found a place to even further enhance my experience of recovery.

I understand the feeling that compels you to reach out to someone or something familiar and comfortable. Your ex probably falls under the heading of familiar and comfortable. And it may or may not be a bad idea... One thing I try to do when I feel urges (like you described it as being an urge to call him), well, I often question whether urges fall under the heading of COMPULSIONS for me... and if I discover that they do for me, then they are very likely my addiciton talking to me in some cunning little roundabout way. I may still act on them, but what I try to do first is just what you said you DID try to do - call your sponsor. And I am blessed to have built a tremendous base of support in my local area and my fellowship, so I always have multiple options when I need to pick up a phone and ask for help.

My sponsor was my first attempt at being truly intimate with anyone in a state of recovery. I choose to believe that although I did feel love while in active addiction, I never achieved true intimacy because I was never allowing myself to be completely honest and I was never allowing myself to be vulnerable and I was never even completely present in any given moment or any given relationship. When I made a commitment to a sponsorship relationship, that meant that I was surrendering to this program of recovery and I was willing to accept guidance that I knew could only be given well if I were completely and utterly as honest as I knew how to be (which has changed over the last 2 1/2 years). I had to be willing to be vulnerable and willing to be open minded. I learned how to be a friend and I learned that I cannot do this alone and I learned to reach out through just beginning with that ONE first commitment.

And when those people aren't there when I need them, through working these steps, I gained a relationship with my higher power. The third step tells me that I am being cared for no matter what and that I can always ask for that help more consciously. It doesn't come naturally and I have to really work at maintaining that conscious contact, but I believe that it is there and I ask for it when I feel alone. My sponsor has taught me something that works for me in the area of feeling lonely. Lonely is not something that can truly be filled (I think of it as a sense of something missing - a hole inside my heart) from the outside ultimately. It can be filled by active pursuit of self love, though... and I can often get help in that pursuit by connecting with other people in recovery. I am so glad that my sponsor taught me how to get vulnerable and ask for help. I have never felt so enveloped by love as I do in this process of recovery. I am so glad to be present for myself and for others. I am so grateful to be awake for life!

I found myself trying to imagine how I would feel if I were to pick up the phone and call an ex and find him high... coincidentally, my daughter's father (who lives across the country from us) is an addict and has been out of prison and in fairly regular contact for some 9 or 10 moths now. Amazingly he has managed to white knuckle it through these last months not using without attending meetings, and I have not had to deal with him high. Honestly if he were to use again, I am quite sure I wouldn't be ABLE to deal with him at all, as he would most likely disappear... but if I DID find myself talking to him while he was using, I imagine it would feel scary... particularly with him as I used with him for so many years... and as sick and painful as most of it was, there are actually pleasant memories too, I fear I might feel jealous or put myself into further danger by entertaining the thoughts. I would probably get to a meeting QUICK!

I hope you are able to find more women to reach out to near you... to develop closeness with in recovery. You will need to broaden the base on which you are building that foundation - I believe we all do - but particularly if you are facing the possible re-entry of a person you care about who is using still into your geographical location.... playmates and playthings are insidious. The last time I used was not WITH the playmates that used in front of me when I was trying to stay clean, but after they were gone, so they couldn't tell on me. Even thought they were using, they knew I shouldn't, so I hid from the users too... and was STILL compelled to use after being around it.

I love recovery and am so thrilled to have this new outlet and resource. love and light to you!
amandaleepiscea

Moontime

Amandalee, Thank you for that post!! It was beautiful!!

amandaleepiscea

Thank you for saying so... it helps me to talk about this stuff - always learn about me when I try to identify with somebody else. I am too much a thinker... one of my first and dearest friends in recovery told me that my greatest enemy in this process would be me and my big fat brain! So what often happens (especially now that I have really surrendered!) is that when I find myself able to get outside of myself and identify with somebody else... somehow my hp gives me a little something I needed. It can come out of my mouth or the mouth of a friend or an anonymous mouth... but it always comes when participate.

This is my first time ever on this and I feel like I may have found the place I can come when I am alone in my head... unfortuantely it will only be from work. I am only able to access online when I am here... single mom's finances have left internet access at home out of my budget... maybe next year. Thank you to everyone for being there!

eddie z.

Thank you so much Trish, Moontime, bikewench, and amandalee!!

And WELCOME TO SR, amandalee!!!

I'm hearing talk to my HP. I struggle with HP issues and generally use other people to get messages from It. So you all are part of my conscious contact and I really appreciate all the input! I think I'll stick to e-mail with the ex.

I have lots of women's numbers, but for some reason I won't call them. I've usually been closer to men or at least I thought so. I know that's a problem. Part of it may be that the worst heartbreak in my life was caused by a woman. My best friend of 10 years cut me out of her life after a 10 year relationship.

Amandalee, I know I have a terrible time opening up and becoming vulnerable. That's part of the reason I'm supposed to be calling people. Maybe I should have specified women, huh? I'm so walled-off, I don't even know myself at this point. I guess that self-honesty will come with continued sobriety. I just get impatient, like a good little addict!

And I have a habit of overanalyzing, too. Big fat brain is right. I have a T-shirt on right now that says, "Keep it stupid, simple" to remind me not to think too much.

Thanks again, everybody!
Love, Eddie

Jeff_C

Ya know I’ve worked a lotta steps with a lotta guys. By the time we roll around to the eighth step list, almost invariably there’ll be a list of women, ex wives, ex lovers, casual affairs, not so casual affairs, one night stands, extra marital affairs, but then you get the idea. Most often we manage to knock ‘em right off the list altogether, or if not that they go to the bottom until we’ve done a good deal more investigation, looking at the “real� motivation behind any “amend� that needs to be made.

One would assume that the “ex� is an “ex� for a good reason, and the current husband is where our investment is now. The roles for both are pretty well proscribed by nature of their “status� and the appropriateness of our behavior I would think would be governed by such. Throw in the issue of active addiction while you’re in the process of getting clean and sober, and it should be pretty much a no brainer. Self reliance for us in early sobriety is dangerous territory, and pretty well spelled out in the Big book.

Fact is you “know� what to do, and did it. Head for your sponsor. If they’re not available strike out in other sober directions, but it’s a pretty safe bet ‘if we’ve ‘always done it that way� it’s the direction we DON�T want to go in. There are in all likelihood a boatload of “issues� with him to begin with, that you need to work through,-------------without him.

Good deal on doin’ the next thing-------right, and it will all work out as long as ya don’t pick up that first drink or drug.
Jeff

eddie z.

Jeff,
Thanks for the input! You're right. Whether or not to call the ex is close to a no-brainer. What I'm working on is the feelings that lead me to WANT to call him rather than working on my relationships with other women.

I am kind of proud of myself, though. Tonight after my meeting, I stayed and talked to another woman for a good while. I told her she could call me anytime, but I forgot to get HER number. Progress, not perfection, right?

Thanks again.
Love, Eddie

Alice Wonder

eddie you are doing such a wonderful amount of "stretch and grow" you go girl!

Jeff_C

You Go, girl. Every sober day is a victory that brings us to yet "newer" awareness. and a sobriety that is deeper still. When I first arrived I was busy chasing skirts, and the guys just didn't do it for me. And though I learned some of those lessons the hard way, here it is sometime later and "my guys" are one of the highlights of my life, and I don't "have to" chase skirts any more. Go figure, eh.
Jeff

eddie z.

Thanks, Alice and Jeff!! My disease included "addictions" to and obsessions with people as well as drugs. One more reason to avoid the ex. It's like using. Thanks again, Jeff, for helping me realize this!
Love, Eddie

soberharleylady

Hi EddieZ well ihope u r doing better tonite...........i understand the women thing and also stick with men alot but over the yrs i have found out that i dont want to talk with the ladies casue they know who i am and i cant play games with them. so i made myself call the women in the program and today they save my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so whats it going hurt to pick up the phone and call one of the women they probaly have the same feelings u do........... if i was close to u ,u could call me. u can email me anytime...............hang in there is does get different................i am getting ready to take my first shot and i am scared...............took the pills today and stayed close to home didnt go to a meeting and i know bettter than that but i am new here to AZ and sometimes its hard even with 17 yrs of sobriety................just dont drink/use no matter what!!!!!!!!!! and hang on to your ass even is it falls off........... hugs holliday

eddie z.

Thanks, shl!! I'm some better tonight. I don't know why I have so much trouble getting close to women. I think there are definitely addiction issues regarding men, though. But it used to be a lot worse, so I guess you guys are right, I've had SOME growth!

What are you referring to when you say "first shot" and "the pills"?
Thanks again!
Love, Eddie

In memory of miracle

((((((eddiez)))))

soberharleylady

EddieZwell what i meant was i have been for a while cause of my addiction and started new medicine,,,,,,,,,,,really ok thu.sorry posted wrong place so hope u r doing good today........hugs to u...............SHL

eddie z.

Thanks, Trish and SHL!!

Dan

((((( eddie)))))
Let's go have a smoke and hang out!
DD