SheAndTheSea

I'll try to make this short, as I know that not everyone likes to read long stories on forums, so here goes...

I've been abusing/mis-using my medications for the last 15 or so years. Yeah, that long... Substance abuse runs in my family, on both sides, going back generations, so it's not really a surprise that my family is in complete denial about my issues. I'm not saying it's their responsibility to fix me or anything, but they just don't want to see it. A few years ago I had my medications taken away from me "for my own protection" after an OD that almost killed me. Well, that didn't really work as I never learned to control myself and the abuse issues picked up again after I got control of the prescriptions again.

I have PTSD, and everyone prefers to blame my behavior on my PTSD. Even after I was admitted to the hospital for an OD, the fact that I overdosed was considered to be a result of the PTSD and so the PTSD issues were worked on while my drug issues were swept under the rug. I guess they thought "fix the PTSD and the drug issues will disappear". Sadly, it didn't work like that.

I'm to the point where my pill popping is killing everything in my life. I'm so horrible when I'm on these darn pills that I've pretty much scared everyone away. My family still puts up with me, but I don't have any close friends anymore, sad to say.

And this part I feel sort of stupid saying....I abuse OTC drugs as well. My system is so sensitive that one dose of Advil PM sends me into a horrible state for days. Well, after knocking me out for 20 hours. That's kind of where I am right now, coming off a dose of Advil PM, with yet another episode of nastiness dealt out to everyone around me. But, I guess it doesn't matter so much the drug, as the fact that I abuse them and need help.

I don't know where else to turn. I know that nobody I know IRL would understand.

There's a lot more, but this is all for now.

Thanks for reading...

YEM

There are many here who can relate and there are plenty of people who can help in real life too. There are many substance abuse support groups out there it you but look. Congratulations for recognizing your problem and reaching out for help. Many people never get to do that. Good luck on your journey of recovery.

hypochondriac

It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of your addiction issues SheAndTheSea. Have you tried getting help from an addiction specialist before? I think it is common for people to not understand, and especially people close to you because they just want everything to be okay. I think that's why getting support from other addicts helps. Have you thought about going to NA or another recovery support group before?

You'll find lots of support here too, welcome to SR x

Windancer

I use to have a huge problem with presciption drugs too. I was originally prescribed them, then I began stealing them (ashamed and sorry to say). I also have PTSD.
Point is, you are not alone, and you can work this out and get past the pill popping addiction.

Welcome to SR. I hope you return...this place has helped me and many othere a lot.

Windancer

...oh, and you do belong

SheAndTheSea

I haven't tried looking for help for the drug issues. I guess I'm a bit ashamed =(

I am also afraid of groups...I mean, groups of women. Yes, I am a woman, but my PTSD was at the hands of women, so groups of women freak me out. I had to leave a support group once simply because of this. I then joined a mostly male group and it was much better. So I guess this is holding me back, too.

How do you get over the shame enough to be able to simply attend a meeting? I hate admitting that I have a problem. Well, online it's not so bad because of the anonymity, but in real life? Not so much.

I don't know what it's like for everyone else, but around me, in a somewhat rural area, the thing to do for fun is to drink. Or engage in other substance using activities. I don't drink at all. I think I had half a beer a year and a half ago, or something like that. Half a corona makes me wake up from a dead sleep in a full blown panic attack. Really, not fun. I guess I'm also struggling with finding sober friends. I get looked at like I have four heads when I say I don't drink. And really, it's no fun being sober when everyone else around you isn't. But I'm sure you all know that. And then I get to deal with my formerly alcoholic mother who still drinks. Yeah, figure that one out! When I go on vacation she tries to get me to bring back wine for her. And then I have the sister who actively drinks with my mom, supporting her habit and all, because she is in denial about my mom's issues. Well, that and she wasn't alive to see the horrors of my mom's drinking when I was a kid.

But, I think I'm rambling now. Thanks for your replies. I feel a bit less alone now.

hypochondriac

The anonymity really helps. And the shame passes Maybe try online meetings for a bit x

applecake

For me, I just had to finally reach a point where I was so disgusted with the complete lack of control I had over my drinking and what it was doing to me. I was so disgusted with how humiliating my drunken episodes had become. I searched online for local AA meetings, then stalked them out. I actually prayed for the courage to walk in the door of my first meeting (and the second, third, fourth, and so on...). The hardest thing for me was actually humbling myself to walk through the door the first time. Once I did that, most of the people were welcoming, but they gave me the space to just sit and listen until I was ready to participate. The thing is, almost everyone in there has been where you are at now, and they want you to be free from suffering, too.

Anna

It's normal to feel shame and guilt as part of addiction. In fact, it kept me addicted for longer than I had to be. I don't go to meetings, but I have been coming here to SR for many years and always find lots of support. Is it possible that one-on-one counselling would help you?

SheAndTheSea

Applecake,
I considered "stalking" out a few meetings. I need to get up the courage to do so. I think that simply being here on this forum will help me muster up the courage to get help offline as well.

Anna,
I could look into one-on-one counseling. I just stopped going to therapy for my PTSD a few months ago and I'm sort of in a transition phase where I'm learning to not be dependent upon a therapist. Well, for my PTSD issues, anyway. I just hate the process of looking for a new therapist. (Can you tell I'm still at the point of coming up with excuses as to why not to get help?)

Thepatman

When I was drinking personally, I wanted to quit but I always had something preventing me from stopping. Maybe After stress is better at work, I'll start on new year, etc etc.

Untill I realized the time was now.

applecake

Why don't you introduce yourself on the Class of December 2012 page? It seems like that is going to be a great place to go check in everyday.

Delilah1

Lots of great advice already posted. SR is definitely a place you will feel supported and not alone. Sounds like you are dealing with a lot, Anna's suggestion of one on one counseling might be helpful.

Looking forward to seeing you on SR.