EggShellWalker

I have been encouraged to read so many posts from people in a similar situation as me. My husband has been a binge drinker since a teenager, I married him and tolerated his behavior for 25 years until I could not take it any longer. Ironically, I left him after he quit drinking. He quit three years ago when I treatenened to end our marriage. As far as I know he has been sober for three years, but the alcoholic (or possibly Borderline) behavior never stopped, in fact it got worse. I have heard, "you can take the rum out of the fruit cake, but you still have the fruit cake." I think I'm dealing with a fruit cake. He does not accept any responsibility for why I left him. It is all my fault. I am selfish, I am pathetic, I am an alcoholic myself according to him. I could not take the denial, verbal abuse, the anger, the judgement and the false images he puts on me any longer. I have never had a problem myself with alcohol, I drink socially, but last time I checked, there was no law against that. No one in my life would support these crazy accusations my husband puts on me. I have tried for a year and a half to reach a settlement with him on our divorce, but his dillusional behavior has prolonged it to the point that I can no longer try to work out a settlement and will let a judge decide. Although I have separated myself from him physically, he still manages to control me with his anger and denial and blaming me for everything wrong in our lives. I took my two teenage children with me - they were ready to move out long before me. They never want to spend any time with him because he can't help but bad mouth me and his irrational behavior, and his anger, well they just didn't want to be around it. My 19 year old son has struggled himself with dangerous binge drinking throughout high school and I have done everything possible to help him - 3 IOP programs, and in-patient rehab and most recently after the inpatient he wanted his next step to be to move into a halfway (sober living) house. I thought this was a great move. I have made mistakes, I know. I have rescued, enabled, but I have tried to help him with the addiction and the underlying dual diagnosis that I feel needs to be treated. Three days into the halfway house he went AWOL, came to my house while I wasn't home, drank the two beers I had in the house. I came home and confronted him (admittedly, I was angry and a bit out of control and I'm sure I provoked him, which only made matters worse.) He showed me a mirror image of his dad, verbally abusing me, blaming me and I had to ask him to leave. He broke his phone, my front door and damaged some walls on the way out. This is what I lived with with my husband for 25 years. My son said he was going to live with his dad, who until that day he told me he hated him and did not want him in his life. He was out of options, so I guess good old dad came in to rescue, I believe just to try to prove that I failed and he knew what was best for our son. My counselor advised me to cut off all contact with them for at least two weeks. I'm trying and know I need to work on my boundries (Alanon is helping.) But I am extremely concerned for my son - that he is now under the care of dry drunk and he will teach him the same behavior - stay sober, go to AA meetings and blame your mom for everything. My husband actually blamed me for what happened with my son this weekend. Is there anything I should do? I thought about talking to my husband's sponsor. Would that be appropriate? My question is how could he be "working the program" for three years now and never have progressed beyond the denial? Shouldn't his counselor recognize this and advice him to seek counseling? Or maybe he has him snow-balled into believing he is further along in his recovery. My husband is against psychologial help in anyway, so I don't think he will ever get past this, but I would do just about anything to not let my son, who is has suicidal thoughts follow this same path. I feel that my husband is the LAST thing my son needs right now, but what can I do? I am ready to let go of both of them if I can be strong enough to believe it is the best thing for all of us. Desparate for advice.

Fandy

welcome to SR....maybe you want to ask one of the Moderators to move this to the Friends and Family section?

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

There is really no way of knowing where your husband is in his recovery. And, of course, for many of us, removing the alcohol is only the beginning so there is a lot of inside work to do. I am glad that you're getting counselling for yourself and I am sure that will help you to cope. It's good that you are using AlAnon as a support.

And, yes, it seems to you that your husband is the last person your son should be turning to at this point, but that's exactly what he's doing. There is likely not much you can do to change that, but hopefully your son will find his way.

EggShellWalker

Thanks for the advice. I thought I was on the friends and family forum. Sorry about that. Still learning to navigate.