quitforme79

Hey all....a friend of mine in AA relapsed last.night. Last I heard from him was around 10 last night. Other that calling to make sure he is okay today what more can I do? I still have no response & I'm worried There's probably nothing more I can do right? This sucks..a lot of us have been there & know the next day shame and remorse :/ any suggestions?

Elisabeth888

The main thing is to be there when they reach out. They are probably feeling a lot of shame right now.

miamifella

I know that the conventional 12-step wisdom is avoid contact until he returns to the rooms, but I know that when I relapsed if someone reached out to me, it would have made a huge difference.

Dee74

I have no experience with real life 12 step calls quit - but think about yourself too - your own recovery is pretty new too...

don't bite off too much too soon...if you go...take someone else from AA with you.

D

MIRecovery

tell them aa ignores failure and rewards success and you expect to see them at the next meeting but be prepared to have your heart broken hundreds of times

nogard

[QUOTE=miamifella;3699064]I know that the conventional 12-step wisdom is avoid contact until he returns to the roomsQUOTE]

Thats news to me!

However, as Dee said you need to look after you first.

miamifella

I spent a lot of time in the rooms, and they often said that you had to make sure you were not dragged down, so it was best to avoid people who relapsed until they were back.

Which is not much different than what Dee is saying.

It is probably good advice, but I know I needed someone to talk to at such times.

sugarbear1

ever talk to someone who's been drinking? it's hard to help them, but I've kept in contact with several. prepare to be hung up on....

some are still sober today (again)

miamifella

Thinking more about this, I am trying to understand my response---which was immediate and instinctual.

I relapsed once, twice or three times a year for a long time. I did not speak much to anyone else in the program other than my sponsor so I was able to keep it a secret each time. I hinted at it once when I shared and was told that I should share strength, hope and solutions not weakness and fear.

Maybe it is a bad idea to get too close to someone who relapsed, but I think the message that you care and that his recovery matters needs to be conveyed.

If your friend is anything like me the sense of shame will keep him away from meetings for a little bit. But recovery is pretty lonely and if you have a friend in recovery I do not think you should throw him away.

miamifella

I am sorry if I was not clear. I do not think anyone would ever expect to do anything while someone is drunk. I was saying that in the upcoming days and weeks, that it is important not to freeze the friend out. I have seen it happen a lot and while I understand the reason, I think it ultimately helps no one.

quitforme79

Thank you all for your responses. I was thinking of that too Dee...I am still so early in recovery and wouldn't want to go back out by trying to help someone. At this point in time, I wouldn't risk going to physically help someone who was actively drinking unless I had someone with good sobriety time under their belt. That night when the person was drinking I just texted them back "we can talk about this tomorrow, please call me when you wake up". I didn't hear from them and decided to text him around 3 pm yesterday (after speaking with someone in the rooms with more time). All they said to do was ask if this person was okay. I didn't get a response until 6 pm but he said that he was okay and didn't go into any details nor did he want to discuss the night before. I didn't push it because my point in this matter was just to let him know that I am here and hope to see him at the meetings. Eventually if he wants to share what happened I will listen. Miamifella, I agree that when I relapsed it meant a lot to me when my AA friend reached out and simply said, "If you want to talk you know my number". I know for myself I has a case of the "f it's" when I went back out and just knowing I was not alone really did make me think about the horrible life of isolation I didn't want to go back to. I felt like drinking was different because I knew of the better life and good people I had found in the rooms. MIRecovery, sadly you are right. I know some people will go back out and it really just comes with the territorty. Best I can do is focus on working out my own issues and when I complete the steps help others as best I can. Well I actually hope to help others NOW just by sharing my exeprience. You never know when even the smallest tidbit of info can really help someone who is struggling.

Natom

I don't follow the bog-standard convention of NA when someone relapses. I try helping them as long as my own recovery isn't at risk. A friend of mine who was in the rooms long before me has been through a series of relapsing then coming back. It's kinda like we have a standing agreement. He is trying very hard not to use. He never uses around me or has drugs when we are together. I offer to come to meetings with him and that is all I can do.

Remember we are powerless over other people, especially other addicts. I remember no-one tried to get me back to the rooms when I last relapsed and I am really grateful for that. Because by not pressuring me to come back I successfully carried on and hit my rock bottom and then took myself back.

Natom.

Dee74

IMO, I think you did just right, quit

D

onlythetruth

Quit, I think you did the right thing too.

Helping others is often a matter of discernment...knowing where we are in our own lives, what we have available to give others, and sometimes most of all knowing when it is a good idea to reach out and when it isn't. And of course safety is always a concern.

Balancing all these things can be tough but I believe you thought it through quite well.