Toss

I wish this could be a "yippee for me post", but it's not.

It's probably the time of year that is the initial problem. My work is stessful, but the last month of the year is especially stressful for me due to deadlines.

No biggee, done it before with no crutches, got my big boy pants on, it will be done. Instead of buying the 12 pack and zoning each night, I don't know what to do. I help with the kids, clean up, cook most nights, feeling empty all the time.

I have been to consolers and therapist (a few times), but I am not built this way. Some might call it denial or resistance, but I know myself oh so well. I have tried anti-depresants (my current one is a social anxiety type) and they seem to help. It almost feels like I have been locked into a personality since childhood, it is cement and I cannot break away from it.

My problem is life. I am a perfectionist with OCD and anxiety, with a dash of Aspbergers. At the first sign of conflict (bill overdue, kids events, holiday schedules, etc....) I shutdown. This causes anxiety and discomfort, and I am growing mentally and emotionally tired. So tired of feeling useless, the self-pity, like there is no path or answer.

As a painfully shy child, I knew how to avoid anything, how to hide and just go along when I had to. But as an adult, that is not possible.

What's funny is I have no desire to drink at the moment. I am far away from it, but I still have the nasty taste of the residue of the poison that luckily will not go away. I can decide not to drink, I cannot decide to leave my brain or body.

Sorry for the whining, I have been in a funk and had writers block for a while, helps to just start writing and not delete it.

I know it is not hopeless, just feels like a knot that will take a very long time to unravel.

Toss

escapist

First of all, congratulations on 50 days! Sometimes, I can't find inspiration either. Carrying on conversations seems burdensome. I am so pleased to be sober but I am not dancing in the street over it. I feel good today. I am not far behind you on sober days, Toss. I hope you find your way through.

Sazzle

Hi Toss. Sorry to hear you are in a funk. But big congrats on 50 days. It sounds like you have a few challenges going on in your life but as you've written drinking won't make anything better.

Give yourself a little treat for this milestone and take care.

S x

Sapling

I don't know what you are doing for your recovery...But I know that I have to put some work into mine. Those feelings of self pity and uselessness were poison to me. I hope you find a path that helps you.

Dee74

Congratulations on 50 days Toss

When I get bogged down (and sometimes I still do) I look at what the problem areas are and try to think of ways to fix it...do you need more balance in your life? more recovery? do you have support for your other conditions (if you need it)?

I always used to just 'push on through'...it works, kinda...but it puts a lot and wear and tear on a body and psyche...

sometimes maybe it's better to just sit a while and sketch things out?

D

Delilah1

Hi Toss,

Congrats on 50 days, that is awesome! You and I are almost in the same point in our sobriety, and I know how difficult it is to deal with kid and financial stresses. I just keep reminding myself that all of these are just compounded when I add alcohol. It may temporarily numb the feelings but they come back even stronger.

Fernaceman

Gratz on 50 days, Toss.

My problem was life, as well. I couldn't or didn't know how to get through any "life" issues without the assistance of alcoholic or some other intoxicant. They were my solutions to my problems. But in the end, they caused all the problems as well.

So, as scary as it was to take on life on a daily basis without it, I took the plunge. I am learning how to live life on life's terms and not try to play God or control everything and everyone around me. Before, it was EXHAUSTING. It really was. Trying to manage all the lies and complications and rearrange my life so I could drink or use when I needed to. And that became all the time.

Now, it doesn't have to be that way. I just "am," so to speak. Yeah, I want to flail my arms when things aren't going my way sometimes, but it's not going to help or change anything to do that.

Take it easy. Just relax and enjoy the day. Sobriety is the way to be.

Flounder

I will say Yippee for you-----Way to go!

hypochondriac

Sorry you're not feeling great Toss, but you have achieved something that you should be really proud of. If you are feeling bad all the time it might be good to get some support and see if you can find anything to help you, be it a recovery method, counselling or just a new hobby or volunteering or something. I know when I was around the 2 month mark I felt like I was walking around in a fog, a bit unreal, but it got better. Hopefully you will start to feel better too but if you don't there are always things out there which can help you. Just keep moving forwards x

Junebugapril

I say Yippee for you too. Glad you are here. I wonder how many of us are total perfectionists? I too tend to shut down when I get overwhelmed.

Toss

Thanks for all the replies, it means alot.

This time stopping has been different. It's been more reflective and deep. It actually means something this time. It is real.

I hate to use a corny analogy, but I feel like a catepillar in a cacoon. All cramped up, wondering what is happening to me, emotionally and spiritually. Going through periods of self reflection and analysis. Trying not to dwell on how I got to this place in my life, but how to rebuild most facets of my life.

Not sure if I will emerge as a butterfly. I just want to be at a place in my life where I feel comfortable being me. As sad and lost as I feel right now, I have hope. I know at some point I will be done with this grief stage, ready to move on.

Thanks again to everyone and SR,

Toss

lastchance84

congratulations on 50 days. I hope to reach 50 as well. I can relate to you as I also use alchohal to deal with stress. Since I quit I also have that feeling of losing a dear friend or support but I just think the good greatly outweighs the bad. I hope things turn around for you.

TTBABP

I don't know Toss - in your post I feel your pain and anxiety - methinks that's some good writing. Maybe the block is going away and you will begin to fell better aboue things. I sure hope so.

TSDD

Probably not as quick as you like, nor as long as you fear. Odds are you did some real damage to your body and brain chemistry. Some time living clean will either clear that up or at least give you a chance to find some professional help if that's what it'll take.

Toss

I luckily have gone from counting the hours to days. I have an appointment with my doctor this month (the last time I was drinking but did not talk about it) I plan to lay it all out there.

Delilah1

I think you will emerge as a beautiful butterfly!!

Toss

Your a sweetheart, thanks for the support!

Toss