Don't know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13
Don't know what to do
I'm completely lost. I have no idea how to deal with my boyfriend. Turns out, he's an alcoholic. I've dealt with many issues and disappointments in my life, but the substance abuse of a loved one is new. I feel like I'm trying to find my way around on the dark.
We were just in another fight regarding his drinking. He has stated that he is quitting in a few days. Since stating that, he planned a party on his quit day and, of course, there will be heavy drinking. It is also his birthday that day. To me, your quit day is the day you quit, so I found this confusing. I eventually got up the nerve to ask what his plan for quitting is. This started a huge fight. I thought it was a perfectly legitimate question. I'm at a loss.
Does anybody have any words of wisdom? How do I deal with this alcoholic in my life?
We were just in another fight regarding his drinking. He has stated that he is quitting in a few days. Since stating that, he planned a party on his quit day and, of course, there will be heavy drinking. It is also his birthday that day. To me, your quit day is the day you quit, so I found this confusing. I eventually got up the nerve to ask what his plan for quitting is. This started a huge fight. I thought it was a perfectly legitimate question. I'm at a loss.
Does anybody have any words of wisdom? How do I deal with this alcoholic in my life?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Sorry you're having to deal with this 
You might wanna repost this on the 'friends and family' forum too, they are used to dealing with this sort of stuff. It sounds to me like he's having a send off for booze, I did that many a time, any excuse really. The threat of having to give up drinking kept me drinking a long time! Good luck xxx
You might wanna repost this on the 'friends and family' forum too, they are used to dealing with this sort of stuff. It sounds to me like he's having a send off for booze, I did that many a time, any excuse really. The threat of having to give up drinking kept me drinking a long time! Good luck xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
First, Welcome.
Second, breath!
I don't want to minimize what you said at all but my mind immediately went to "huh, everybody that I KNOW is an alcoholic, and we're not so bad", you know? But then, everybody that I know is in recovery, so there is HOPE for your boyfriend, right?
Words of wisdom? Not me. But maybe remember to keep YOURSELF OK...you can carry the message but you cannot carry the alcoholic. If he really is an alcoholic he will not just "quit", and he won't do it for you, and there is nothing you can do to change him. Take care of you.
Zube
Second, breath!
I don't want to minimize what you said at all but my mind immediately went to "huh, everybody that I KNOW is an alcoholic, and we're not so bad", you know? But then, everybody that I know is in recovery, so there is HOPE for your boyfriend, right?
Words of wisdom? Not me. But maybe remember to keep YOURSELF OK...you can carry the message but you cannot carry the alcoholic. If he really is an alcoholic he will not just "quit", and he won't do it for you, and there is nothing you can do to change him. Take care of you.
Zube
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,528
Welcome stupidgirl. I agree the Friends & Family forum will be very helpful. You'll find you are never alone - which is why I love this place.
I've been on both sides of this thing. Lost my A husband many years ago - then I ended up with the same problem. No one could have convinced me to stop - I had to go through hell to realize what I needed to do. We're all different, so please gather all the advice you can - you'll find some caring and kind people here who'll want to help.
I've been on both sides of this thing. Lost my A husband many years ago - then I ended up with the same problem. No one could have convinced me to stop - I had to go through hell to realize what I needed to do. We're all different, so please gather all the advice you can - you'll find some caring and kind people here who'll want to help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
If he's wanting to stop I say let him have his birthday and see if he's walking the talk after that. I use to do the same, like have a hudge new year eve party thinking I would start the new year sober. For me it never worked. I Had to hit rock bottom.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,528
You did nothing wrong! Newcomers is a fine place to start - it's just that the other forum is more suited to your particular problem. We're happy you found us - we're all in this together.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Welcome to SR.
There is a lot of support here for you here.
To be completely honest with you it sounds like quit day may be just BS.
It could be the start of the cycle of broken promises like many of us have experienced. Be careful, if he starts breaking promises its time to decide if that's want you want for you & your relationship.
Let him have his birthday & then see if he puts his plan into action.
I've recently left my alcoholic boyfriend because I was sick of the drinking & broken promises. He said he'd cut down, oh no was trying to cut down, oh no will start trying to cut down, went off to party with drunk mates, hooked up with his ex straight away (very ouch for me) & oh now he is not an alcoholic just a social drinker.
Complete & utter BullS#*
Don't wish to discourage you but be aware now if he doesn't put his words into action then there's a chance he never will.
Watch & wait & then decide.
Keep posting if you need us, SR has helped me a lot. Educating myself on alcoholism has also helped.
There is a lot of support here for you here.
To be completely honest with you it sounds like quit day may be just BS.
It could be the start of the cycle of broken promises like many of us have experienced. Be careful, if he starts breaking promises its time to decide if that's want you want for you & your relationship.
Let him have his birthday & then see if he puts his plan into action.
I've recently left my alcoholic boyfriend because I was sick of the drinking & broken promises. He said he'd cut down, oh no was trying to cut down, oh no will start trying to cut down, went off to party with drunk mates, hooked up with his ex straight away (very ouch for me) & oh now he is not an alcoholic just a social drinker.
Complete & utter BullS#*
Don't wish to discourage you but be aware now if he doesn't put his words into action then there's a chance he never will.
Watch & wait & then decide.
Keep posting if you need us, SR has helped me a lot. Educating myself on alcoholism has also helped.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 13
@Rosiepetal
Yes. This is exactly what I'm afraid of. It was weird. When he announced he was going to quit, instead of being excited, I was upset. I realized I felt this way because I felt like this was the beginning of a series of lies and disappointments. He can't possibly quit on his own. He has tried to abstain in the past and the physical repercussions were unbearable. That was his first inkling that he had a problem: the physical withdrawals, not that he was drinking a bottle every 1-2 days! He needs medical assistance, which he has not sought. Not to mention that he's supposed to quit on Sunday but he's been drinking even heavier this week. Completely opposite of what I would think will help the physical withdrawals. Maybe he'll just use that as a stalling technique. And, to be honest, I'm quite sure that's what his quit date was. Just another stalling technique. I'm trying to have faith that this will work out well, but I understand the nature of the addiction and know that it has power over him.
Yes. This is exactly what I'm afraid of. It was weird. When he announced he was going to quit, instead of being excited, I was upset. I realized I felt this way because I felt like this was the beginning of a series of lies and disappointments. He can't possibly quit on his own. He has tried to abstain in the past and the physical repercussions were unbearable. That was his first inkling that he had a problem: the physical withdrawals, not that he was drinking a bottle every 1-2 days! He needs medical assistance, which he has not sought. Not to mention that he's supposed to quit on Sunday but he's been drinking even heavier this week. Completely opposite of what I would think will help the physical withdrawals. Maybe he'll just use that as a stalling technique. And, to be honest, I'm quite sure that's what his quit date was. Just another stalling technique. I'm trying to have faith that this will work out well, but I understand the nature of the addiction and know that it has power over him.
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