Enough is finally Enough for me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
Enough is finally Enough for me
I found this site in the middle of the night last week when I couldn't sleep because I was feeling so anxious about a blackout drunk episode at the weekend.. Whenever I'v made an idiot of myself (or worse) I always feel sick and anxious for a few days afterwards and reading or hearing about people who have done the same usually makes me feel like my behaviour is normal...if this many people are in the same boat it cant be that bad etc... this time though reading through all the posts something clicked and instead of validating that this behaviour is normal I finally realised it is not. Nobody is writing on here to celebrate the awful things they'v done while drunk
I don't know why it has taken me so long to get to this stage when in the 10 years since I started drinking properly (if not more) its caused me nothing but trouble, anxiety, stress, embarrassment. I have permanent scars on my body from incidents where I really should have died, I'v cheated on my current and previous boyfriends with strangers who most of the time I cant even remember meeting the night before, Iv ruined special occasions or if not ruined then have no recollection of actually being there. Those are just the worse of the blackout incidents there are hundreds more black holes in my mind where people have hinted or flat out told me how ridiculous and out of control I was the night before and I am sick of it now.
Iv never thought of myself of an alcoholic but I realise now that I have a serious issue when it comes to drinking in that I cant and don't drink like a 'normal' person. I regularly don't drink in the week and sometimes even go for several weeks without drinking but whenever there's an occassion where I am going to drink I will give it 100% and drink as much and as fast as I possibly can until my mind just stops making notes on what i'm doing! Even when I drink at home if I have a few drinks I will make them huge for maximum effect its all about excess.
I would say I blackout for parts of nights if not the whole night on about 95% of occassions where I drink outside of the house. Iv been doing some research on these blackouts and i'm completely suprised to understand I'm fully concious during these times my mind just isnt recording it for me! Iv never given them much thought before as iv always been too busy being ashamed of myself but I always had a vague notion that I was in some kind of unconcious state completely unaware of myself but actually thinking about it how can I be unconcious if im out there doing all this stuff? Its scary and horrible to finally realise THIS IS ME behaving this way.. Iv always tried to blame it on my evil drunk twin but I cant now because that's not true.
I have decided to stop - what kind of person would I be today if I had stopped drinking after those first few horrible blackout incidents? they would be distant incidents buried under 10 years of fun happy memories. Instead they are just the foundations of a mountain of nasty unhappy embarassment. What kind of person will I be in 10 years if I keep drinking? What kind of person will I be if stop?
I always think of myself as a happy go lucky positive type of person but actually now days I have to try hard to be that way while ignoring all these past incidents and pretending they havent happened. Of course that doesn't work and I am never honest with myself or anyone about them so they don't get addressed and I feel like they are just swimming around in my mind popping up constantly to remind me that I am an idiot!
I have decided to stop now enough is definitely enough. I cant make them go away the things iv done, I cant un-fall from buildings or un-cheat or un- embarrass myself but I can address those things and be honest about them and hopefully let them go. Any advice on how to open up about this stuff when you'v been hiding it for so long would be so welcome.
I'm grateful that I found this site and that its made me stop and think take stock of myself. Im looking forward to this, it doesn't feel like a challenge it just feels right, I feel calm and i'm looking forward to getting back to being that happy easy going person and hopefully having much more real and honest relationships where my main concern is not covering my tracks.
Next week is a Christmas dinner with friends and then 2 weeks at home for Christmas and New Year. What do I do about telling people that Im not drinking anymore? Do I let them work it out for themselves or should I warn them in advance? I don't want to make a massive deal out of it and I dont want anyone to feel awkward around me..
For now its been 5 days of not drinking - although its not out of the ordinary to go 5 days without drinking it feels different this time I'm happy iv made this decision, I'm going to keep reading and learning and trying to address & let go of the past....
Thanks SR!
I don't know why it has taken me so long to get to this stage when in the 10 years since I started drinking properly (if not more) its caused me nothing but trouble, anxiety, stress, embarrassment. I have permanent scars on my body from incidents where I really should have died, I'v cheated on my current and previous boyfriends with strangers who most of the time I cant even remember meeting the night before, Iv ruined special occasions or if not ruined then have no recollection of actually being there. Those are just the worse of the blackout incidents there are hundreds more black holes in my mind where people have hinted or flat out told me how ridiculous and out of control I was the night before and I am sick of it now.
Iv never thought of myself of an alcoholic but I realise now that I have a serious issue when it comes to drinking in that I cant and don't drink like a 'normal' person. I regularly don't drink in the week and sometimes even go for several weeks without drinking but whenever there's an occassion where I am going to drink I will give it 100% and drink as much and as fast as I possibly can until my mind just stops making notes on what i'm doing! Even when I drink at home if I have a few drinks I will make them huge for maximum effect its all about excess.
I would say I blackout for parts of nights if not the whole night on about 95% of occassions where I drink outside of the house. Iv been doing some research on these blackouts and i'm completely suprised to understand I'm fully concious during these times my mind just isnt recording it for me! Iv never given them much thought before as iv always been too busy being ashamed of myself but I always had a vague notion that I was in some kind of unconcious state completely unaware of myself but actually thinking about it how can I be unconcious if im out there doing all this stuff? Its scary and horrible to finally realise THIS IS ME behaving this way.. Iv always tried to blame it on my evil drunk twin but I cant now because that's not true.
I have decided to stop - what kind of person would I be today if I had stopped drinking after those first few horrible blackout incidents? they would be distant incidents buried under 10 years of fun happy memories. Instead they are just the foundations of a mountain of nasty unhappy embarassment. What kind of person will I be in 10 years if I keep drinking? What kind of person will I be if stop?
I always think of myself as a happy go lucky positive type of person but actually now days I have to try hard to be that way while ignoring all these past incidents and pretending they havent happened. Of course that doesn't work and I am never honest with myself or anyone about them so they don't get addressed and I feel like they are just swimming around in my mind popping up constantly to remind me that I am an idiot!
I have decided to stop now enough is definitely enough. I cant make them go away the things iv done, I cant un-fall from buildings or un-cheat or un- embarrass myself but I can address those things and be honest about them and hopefully let them go. Any advice on how to open up about this stuff when you'v been hiding it for so long would be so welcome.
I'm grateful that I found this site and that its made me stop and think take stock of myself. Im looking forward to this, it doesn't feel like a challenge it just feels right, I feel calm and i'm looking forward to getting back to being that happy easy going person and hopefully having much more real and honest relationships where my main concern is not covering my tracks.
Next week is a Christmas dinner with friends and then 2 weeks at home for Christmas and New Year. What do I do about telling people that Im not drinking anymore? Do I let them work it out for themselves or should I warn them in advance? I don't want to make a massive deal out of it and I dont want anyone to feel awkward around me..
For now its been 5 days of not drinking - although its not out of the ordinary to go 5 days without drinking it feels different this time I'm happy iv made this decision, I'm going to keep reading and learning and trying to address & let go of the past....
Thanks SR!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 47
Awesome job on 5 days!!!!!!!!!
As to the holidays and telling people, that's a personal decision.
You know if you just mingle and not really say anything they may not notice, then again they may. I know it may be a difficult thing to deal with, it was for me, only being sober a month at the time of the last holiday season. But you seem serious about this and that is great, you'll be ok.
I hope you have some support and possibly someone to call if you feel the urge or just 'not right'. Please do call them before it gets hard for you, if it does get to bothering you. Many times for me it was just the simple thing of talking/hearing someone in my support group of people that got me through the hard times.
Best of luck to you, you can do it!!!!
As to the holidays and telling people, that's a personal decision.
You know if you just mingle and not really say anything they may not notice, then again they may. I know it may be a difficult thing to deal with, it was for me, only being sober a month at the time of the last holiday season. But you seem serious about this and that is great, you'll be ok.
I hope you have some support and possibly someone to call if you feel the urge or just 'not right'. Please do call them before it gets hard for you, if it does get to bothering you. Many times for me it was just the simple thing of talking/hearing someone in my support group of people that got me through the hard times.
Best of luck to you, you can do it!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
Hi thanks for the welcome and the encouragement!!
I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with the social situations I feel like I need to talk to someone about my decision and why I'm making this decision so I'm just building up to that. My mum feels like the obvious choice and hopefully once I'v spoken to her about it and talked it over I'll be able to go to her if I need any advice or encouragement.
Its going to be so weird to go out and actually face this Christmas dinner sober but I'm looking forward to who I'm going to meet and what's going to happen and the meal and most of all remembering everything the next day!
I'm not sure if I'll tell my friends before hand or not - its going to be an all you can eat/drink buffet so they will notice but anyways I'll see nearer the time maybe an opportunity to talk about it will come up. I'll post up here afterwards how it went.
Thanks again you are really inspiring!
I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with the social situations I feel like I need to talk to someone about my decision and why I'm making this decision so I'm just building up to that. My mum feels like the obvious choice and hopefully once I'v spoken to her about it and talked it over I'll be able to go to her if I need any advice or encouragement.
Its going to be so weird to go out and actually face this Christmas dinner sober but I'm looking forward to who I'm going to meet and what's going to happen and the meal and most of all remembering everything the next day!
I'm not sure if I'll tell my friends before hand or not - its going to be an all you can eat/drink buffet so they will notice but anyways I'll see nearer the time maybe an opportunity to talk about it will come up. I'll post up here afterwards how it went.
Thanks again you are really inspiring!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 47
Social situations can be odd for the first little while. As it seems you're a very social person. But you'll get used to being in them sober and it's a lot more enjoyable.
Do you have an AA group in your area? If so I really suggest going to a meeting and meeting some people. They understand what you're going through and can be that life line when you need it. I know the friends I have in the program have saved this guy a few times.
I know it will go well for you, can't wait to hear you say how well it went.
We're all here for each other and that's the greatest part of being sober. We have true friends that care about us!
Do you have an AA group in your area? If so I really suggest going to a meeting and meeting some people. They understand what you're going through and can be that life line when you need it. I know the friends I have in the program have saved this guy a few times.
I know it will go well for you, can't wait to hear you say how well it went.
We're all here for each other and that's the greatest part of being sober. We have true friends that care about us!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: london uk
Posts: 6
Thank you for being so honest. I've spent so much time lying to myself as well as other people and I couldn't remember half the things I did and if I did have flashbacks I would just blot them out with alcohol. I can't hide any longer. I wish you all the best in your recovery. I only found this site about a week ago and everytime I feel the urge to drink I am logging on. I have done some terrible things when drunk and it is hard to admit it is actually me doing these things. Your post really hit home with me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by sepia 
I have permanent scars on my body from incidents where I really should have died,
There weren't really any of those in the last 10 years, as most friends are settled with families and stopped doing the crazy nites. So, I drank mostly at home, alone or with my boyfriend, to avoid any more DUIs and it was cheaper. The last 10 years were the worst. Don't really know why I kept it up. I kept saying..."Once __________ happens, I will stop drinking" (insert stuff like, get out of debt, get a better job, etc.) What an a**backwards way of thinking for me.
I'm trying again....Day 21, now because I don't want to throw away the rest of my life, like I did the middle of it. Sometimes I feel like too much has been lost already, so why bother. SR is superbly helpful, but I know I have a lot of work to do.
Good luck to you and take it from me/us - don't waste any more years in the haze.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I too drank to blackout, and toward the end I was blacking out several times a week. I remember the most profound feeling for me when I quit drinking was waking up without "the pit". That's what I call that feeling in my stomach that I woke up with every day. That anxiety, that guilt, that frantic feeling of trying to piece things together enough to even know what I had done...that nasty pit in my stomach. I had that feeling upon waking for so long that it had almost beome normal. When I quit and I began to wake up free of that...it's almost impossible for me to describe.
The feeling of being able to hold my head high...it's an amazing feeling. Wear your head (and in my case, shoes) high..I do and you can too!
The feeling of being able to hold my head high...it's an amazing feeling. Wear your head (and in my case, shoes) high..I do and you can too!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome sepia!
Congrats on your 5 days and your decision to be sober!
I had to take it easy on the social situations at first - it's OK to turn down invitations (especially if you know it's going to be all about the drinking). I think telling your mom is a good idea - the more support we have, the better.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable it is to be sober. I've actually found that I feel freer because I'm not worrying about where the next drink is or if someone noticed how drunk I was.
Glad you're here!
Congrats on your 5 days and your decision to be sober!
I had to take it easy on the social situations at first - it's OK to turn down invitations (especially if you know it's going to be all about the drinking). I think telling your mom is a good idea - the more support we have, the better.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable it is to be sober. I've actually found that I feel freer because I'm not worrying about where the next drink is or if someone noticed how drunk I was.
Glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: 4th Dimension of existance
Posts: 175
Congrats on your 5 days! I also was a blackout drinker, and my last blackout episode of idiocy was also when I decided enough was enough. I don't have to put the pieces together every morning, try to figure out who I owe an apology to, try to concoct a lie to spin the situation into my favor...my mornings are so much better 
Welcome to SR. This place helped me tremendously in the very beginning to my sobriety, and I was pretty much just a lurker!
Welcome to SR. This place helped me tremendously in the very beginning to my sobriety, and I was pretty much just a lurker!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 536
Sepia, you are so brave for writing so honestly. I just want to add how helpful coming here to Sober Recovery has been for me. I am brand new, well two weeks, into being sober. This has been a lifeline for me. Like they say in the AA meetings, keep coming back? Well I keep coming back here to this forum. Every time, I learn something new. Every time, I am encouraged and helped by people here. If I get addicted to this site, oh well, I don't care. I'm not drinking anymore and that's all that matters.
Welcome. I am so happy to see you here.
JunebugApril
p.s. I have been avoiding social situations wherever possible.
Welcome. I am so happy to see you here.
JunebugApril
p.s. I have been avoiding social situations wherever possible.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Welcome sepia. You've obviously done some soul searching, and you've come up with some very good points. I especially like the 5th paragraph. Being self aware is so important - and it looks like you're facing this head on.
Everyone's different when it comes to making the grand announcement - or deciding not to. For me, I had crashed and burned very badly and everyone knew it. Dui's, crazy behavior - doing things that weren't like me at all. So when I finally made up my mind to stop pretending I could control what I drank - I gladly told everyone I cared about. I knew they'd be relieved, and even though some will never understand - I think I did all I could to redeem myself.
Glad you are here with us and looking forward to a new and better life.
Everyone's different when it comes to making the grand announcement - or deciding not to.
For me, I had crashed and burned very badly and everyone knew it. Dui's, crazy behavior - doing things that weren't like me at all. So when I finally made up my mind to stop pretending I could control what I drank - I gladly told everyone I cared about. I knew they'd be relieved, and even though some will never understand - I think I did all I could to redeem myself.Glad you are here with us and looking forward to a new and better life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 315
Sepia,
I identify so much with what you said. I am a daily drinker who is sober now for 14 days. I've quit before, but this time feels different. I, too, have ruined so many special occasions, including Christmases, my father-in-law's birthday, and most recently my own, when I became what I call the "werewolf" and used the opportunity of being treated to a lovely dinner and drinks afterwards to skewer my husband with insults in front of friends and family, then had to be carried out of the bar after screaming at the bartender. How elegant.
Anyway, I am just so done with all the blackouts and being unable to function at work and hurting my husband (as well as others, but him almost every day). I, too, can't believe how bad I let it get. Plus I've gained 20 pounds in the last 3 years on a tiny frame.
The good news is I feel so much better. I have 10 times more energy, my skin looks fresher, my eyes look brighter. . . I used to hate to look in the mirror and try to avoid it. I think I even see the hint of cheekbones now that my face isn't all puffy! The best part is that I remember everything and am starting to (shyly) talk to my husband honestly. It's amazing how effective alcohol is in preventing intimacy. I always felt too much, so I used it to be tough and not feel. But I think I went too far and distanced myself from everyone who cared about me. Alienated others.
Anyway, so happy to read your story. Congratulations. 5 days is a big deal because for me those were the hardest. Keep it up!
I identify so much with what you said. I am a daily drinker who is sober now for 14 days. I've quit before, but this time feels different. I, too, have ruined so many special occasions, including Christmases, my father-in-law's birthday, and most recently my own, when I became what I call the "werewolf" and used the opportunity of being treated to a lovely dinner and drinks afterwards to skewer my husband with insults in front of friends and family, then had to be carried out of the bar after screaming at the bartender. How elegant.
Anyway, I am just so done with all the blackouts and being unable to function at work and hurting my husband (as well as others, but him almost every day). I, too, can't believe how bad I let it get. Plus I've gained 20 pounds in the last 3 years on a tiny frame.
The good news is I feel so much better. I have 10 times more energy, my skin looks fresher, my eyes look brighter. . . I used to hate to look in the mirror and try to avoid it. I think I even see the hint of cheekbones now that my face isn't all puffy! The best part is that I remember everything and am starting to (shyly) talk to my husband honestly. It's amazing how effective alcohol is in preventing intimacy. I always felt too much, so I used it to be tough and not feel. But I think I went too far and distanced myself from everyone who cared about me. Alienated others.
Anyway, so happy to read your story. Congratulations. 5 days is a big deal because for me those were the hardest. Keep it up!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found this place. It has really helped me a lot. Most of us first came here with our tails between our legs, ashamed and defeated by booze. The great news is that it can all get better when we quit!
Congrats on the first steps.
Congrats on the first steps.
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