Delilah1

Hi Fenway,

Sorry you are having a tough time, the holidays are challenging enough, and recovery definitely throws another layer if difficulty in. I k ow I have a few events between now and New Years that are going to be challenging. I plan on doing exactly what you just did, posting on here to remind me about the reasons I stopped in the first place.

Hang in there, and hopefully you will feel better once you get settled in Boston. I feel the same way as you about exercise. I am trying to transition back into running from walking. I took the dog to the lake today and did six miles, she definitely helped me run more than walk!!

Keep checking in on here, I plan on doing the same.

kittycat3

I've been there and I'm sorry.
I've also read some of your posts and see a lot of myself in them. I know being with heavy drinkers over the holidays can really suck. Please have a plan put together! You deserve sobriety! Can you ask your cousins to the movies, plan a shopping trip, busy yourself in the kitchen, plan to watch The Lord of the rings trilogy when everyone gets annoyingly tipsy? Alcohol and you just don't mix. You weren't happy drinking either. If you can accept that your attitude will follow!

Fandy

Please don't listen to nonsense suggestions. Trying to drink again to "see what its like out there" is counter productive to your physical and mental health. Its also insulting.

I can understand your parents restrictions as they are worried, due to your past issues. You seem to waffle about living at home and wanting to be back in the school atmosphere. Where ever you are, you want to be in the other. I remember how you posted several times about hating living at school, you had no friends ad support.
I hope you feel better today.

Junebugapril

I frankly think that 2Granddaughters post was very helpful. Sometimes you gotta tell it like it is.

freshstart57

I agree with this 100%, sometimes you feel as though you have to tell it that way. I am sure it was helpful, just not to FenwayFaithful.

FF, being resentful about not drinking is not going to take you very far. Are you sure that is what you want to do? Are you sure that you want what alcohol has in store for you?

If someone said, OK listen, this is what we're going to do here. We are going to force you, against your will to drink this poisonous liquid. It is going to mess with your head, kill your physical health, and take from you everything that is makes your life worth living. What would you do? You would put a wall at your back and a blade in your hand, because you wouldn't permit anyone to mess with you that way.

No one can force you to do this, and you have the ability inside you already to make the choice you need to make. You need to come to that place, FF, and when you do, your way forward will be a lot clearer. Make that plan, make that choice.

Dee74

Bob I realise you're sharing the BB, but sometimes I think it helps to read back through a members posts to get an idea of their story.

It takes a little longer, sure, but you might find you'll compose a better response.

I've been a regular contributor to your threads for a long time FF - I think you've done enough experimenting, and I suspect you agree with me

D

FenwayFaithful

Just for the record I didn't take offense to Bob's post and didn't really see it as a suggestions to get back out there, simply he was saying that perhaps it would take me getting burned again to learn AGAIN that drinking NEVER leads anywhere good for me, in the end I'll still have the same result, I can't drink but I just might add one more embarrassing night to me never ending list. Well I suppose it's ending now that I'm not drinking, lol.

I do feel better today =) running is helping so much. Like I literally can't even tell you. I'm like a totally different person on the days I run. Optimistic, happy, accomplished, calmer and I'm ever more social because I actually feel good!

I guess it's just still hard for me because I remember all the nights I had a great time drinking, the way is loosens me up, make me more sociable etc. But at the same time it also led to be doing extremely stupid things, getting severe hang overs, spending money I don't have and blacking out. And it was rare to have a night that I didn't drink too much and I have ALWAYS been that way. It's not that I don't know my limits--I do, I just can't control myself once I start. It's the craziest thing I KNOW I'm too drunk when I'm actually coherent enough but I just want more.

My best friend is having a party at a casino near by in December I Really really want to go and she really wants me to go. The trip will be expensive enough without alcohol but I'm scared that I'll drink if I go or that I won't be able to enjoy myself if I don't drink but I feel like I could have a perfectly good time without drinking.

I know if I go to this I'll be really proud of myself if I don't drink and I'll actually probably enjoy myself more since I won't be getting black out drunk and I'll actually remember the whole night and actually be able to enjoy the night instead of passing out 2 hours in because I've already drank 8 long island iced teas while everyone else is on their 2nd beer.

I keep thinking things can't be fun without drinking then I realize I wasn't really having fun drinking. I was using alcohol as a way to do things I didn't really want to do (sleep with guys, hang out with people I don't like, dance etc) but maybe it's about time I stop doing things I don't enjoy and start doing things that are fun for me WITHOUT alcohol.

And Fandy I have no idea what I want. I'm like a lost child and it scares me. Things are still up in the air after a meeting with my prof's this morning. My teachers don't want me to leave. They all told me that I have so much potential, that the work I do is of the highest quality, that they think I am meant to be a special educator and they will do everything in their power to help me complete the work I've missed and to keep me in school.

I just don't know if it's what I want. But I don't know if it's not what I want. I kind of feel like I'm autopilot or something. I am always looking to other people to tell me what to do next. I don't see what my professors see in me. I feel like a screw up. Between this semester and last semester I have 5 incomplete classes so how can they possibly think I'm a good student? In the classes I've managed to complete I have straight A's but I think I got special treatment or something because my work really wasn't that good, at least I don't think it was. Sometimes I just wonder, people say they see this great intelligence and potential in me but I just don't see what they're talking about.

My biggest weakness in life is assuming I can't do something and giving up. Not seeing my strengths. I always think I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough to get sober and it's a pi$$ poor attitude to have because it's keeping me from accomplishing things.

I mean how can I turn down or walk away from teachers who have such faith in me and who say they really think this is something I should pursue and would be good at. I've been talking about being a special educator since I was 9 years old, I've LIVED this my entire life. I know the frustrations and the struggles these kids go through every day, I can bring something to the table that maybe others can't but then I feel like I'm lacking SO MUCH knowledge, authority, personality etc to actually be able to do this.

I just don't know what the hell I want. I moved away from home when I was 14 years old and I was miserable with my parents. They are good people but they have issues and sometimes their love comes out as being super-controlling or in anger and it just wasn't ever a good environment for me.

But then I don't know if I want to be here either. I always want to be somewhere else, the grass is always greener. I just wish I knew my calling or I had serious motivation to do something or at least felt like there was something I'd be good at.

I feel like a big part of the reason I drank was because I don't know who the hell I am and when I drank I could justify the things I was doing or the person I became by blaming the alcohol. Not knowing yourself is very scary.

I'm taking a break from AA for the time being. I just need a bit to reboot. I'll look into some other forms of recovery. I think it's really important that I start attending individual therapy. I was supposed to go to a partial hospitalization program before I got sick but that never ended up happening. But clearly I need to look into something.

Sapling

In all fairness...I find it just as dangerous telling people they have the power to quit on their own.....I couldn't. And I'm probably lucky to be alive because I didn't have people telling me I could. I'm glad you could....I'm happy with my solution.

FreeFall

I keep thinking things can't be fun without drinking then I realize I wasn't really having fun drinking. I was using alcohol as a way to do things I didn't really want to do (sleep with guys, hang out with people I don't like, dance etc) but maybe it's about time I stop doing things I don't enjoy and start doing things that are fun for me WITHOUT alcohol.

FF I bet this is true for so many people and how the problems with drinking began in the first place-doing things you normally wouldn't or maybe weren't ready for and using the booze to fit in.

It really is a challenge to find the things that engage you and are fun that don't involve drinking but it's well worth it.

If your teachers are giving you that kind of support and encouragement they feel you have talents and something to offer others. It takes a special person to be a special education teacher and there aren't as many out there as are needed. Give yourself a chance to follow your childhood dream and succeed. You can always change careers down the road if it's not all you'd hoped it would be.

freshstart57

Since most people quit without any program per se, encouragement and reinforcing the will and the ability to survive for folks like you, FF, are paramount. It can just be the kickstart needed to make that first commitment. People have to be lucky to have survived alcoholism after being told that they can't quit drinking.

Fenway, since none of us are sober by being permanently locked away from alcohol, it obviously depends on you whether you can get sober or not. You are plenty good to deserve a future without alcohol and its misery, and you sound whip-smart.

That leaves this question: are you strong enough? I believe you are, and it is up to you to believe you are too. Imagine what could happen if you just believe you can do this, what can happen if you make that commitment. Believing in unicorns won't change reality, but believing in yourself can really work miracles.

Fandy

Fens, i hope you will find your way, you are a very smart woman with incredible choices through grad school. You did not get this far without putting your mind to work. Stay sober, it really is within your power.
I hope you get some professional counseling through school. Listen to your professors and faculty advisor. They have your best interest and know what they are talking about.
You have power and you have choices, don't toss them away.
If aa is not helpful now, look at the other options available to you ( your insurance should cover private counseling with a social worker/psych sessions, sliding fee scale is about $15.00 a week) .

idletime2

I really hope it gets better for you. What you're going through is just normal culture shock that sobriety brings. When i start to feel like you do i always remind myself how equally miserable i am when i'm drinking. I'd rather be miserable and sober than miserable and drunk. Sobriety and being a drunk both suck. At least when i'm sober there's a chance that i may feel better in an hour, two, hours, a day, a week, a month, but at least i have that chance. When i'm drinking i know there is no chance. I KNOW for a fact that i'm going to wake up hung over and full of regret and self loathing

Spongebob

Fenway,
The true definition of insanity is going to 12 step meetings and not doing the 12 steps. I just read another post of yours on a different thread about what you enjoyed about being a sober woman and I don't believe you really want to go back to living that way. "Half measures availed us nothing" means there is no loophole. No, we can't just drink on holidays or vacations because we all know here that would lead. I would drink myself out of a job just to make everyday a vacation. Keep you head up, at times being in recovery does suck but not as much as waking up naked in the parking lot of a grocery store and having no memory of the previous 2 days.