pattyj

I feel very ashamed of myself for getting to this point that I have to be sober. But I do know that it is the best thing for me to do. I have been dating my live-in boyfriend for 6 years. Our relationship was based on drinking. We had a long talk about how I thought that me being sober would hinder our relationship. He told me that he has many wonderful memories of me being sober and would probably love me even more if I continued to do something good for myself and to be a little selfish in staying sober.

How do I tell family, friends, co-workers that I no longer drink? I recently told a cousin (see: post - families and holidays don't always mix) and it completely back fired. She pressured me into drinking. I have told my mother, who is an alcoholic. While she says she is proud of me, she doesn't want to discuss it.

I have been the life of the party for many, many years. Drinking buddies with my boyfriend's family, happy hour with the co-workers; always the drunk one. How will people accept my decision? I actually love being sober; I feel great and present and accomplished. I just don't know how others will take my new lifestyle change.

YEM

I could care less about what other people think of my being sober. It's not about them. People who are worthwhile will support you, the ones that don't can take a walk. I say "I don't drink anymore" "I break out in handcuffs if I start drinking" "I am taking a break" "Not tonight" "You can drink one for me" etc.

littlefish

This is a really common worry. Your words sure bring back memories: I remember wondering if my marriage would work if I was sober! Now I realize it wasn't working at all because I wasn't sober. It's not selfish to be sober! Think of it this way: you can't take care of other people with love and caring if you don't love and care for yourself. Getting sober may be a self-oriented act, but not a selfish one.

You don't have to make a big announcement. You don't have to accept alcoholic beverages, people refuse alcoholic beverages everyday and request other drinks.

And the fact is that people generally are not all that interested in what you are drinking. I thought people would make a big deal of me not drinking, and was shocked to realize they hadn't even noticed.

On the other hand, if your social activity is based on drinking and your friends are essentially drinking buddies, and all your activities are in bars, etc, then you will have some choices to make. You might want to cut the bar scene out of your life, (if it is a scene for you) and lie low for a while until you feel safe and comfortable in that environment.

Essentially, almost everyone here has been through what you are going through and it isn't as difficult to make that lifestyle change as you might expect.

Beyond

I'd just be the same Life of the Party & drink sprite in a red solo cup. Just kidding. I'd be like oh yeah my drinking games are over, you can't make fun of me to my face any more! Just kidding. This is a tricky question! I think I'd just say nothing and let them realize that they have a drinking problem. Much love.

Kasia71

Wow Patty...you sound like me....but I'm much further along in that identity than you. I have been the life of the party...the fun girl....always up for having a few drinks and a good time since I was 16 (I'm 41 now) I also have a 21 yr relationship that has been based on drinking. I really have no advice, due to the fact I haven't 100% committed to stopping for good yet. But that is a fear of mine too...my friends know me for drinking, typically more than they do. I do believe they will notice immediatley if I don't (they knew when I was pregnant immediately because I turned down booze). I guess my biggest concern about them is that it would mean that I have to admit I have/had a problem...which I never have done before. Not to my friends or family. Good luck!

Anna

I felt that my recovery was a very personal journey and I didn't tell anyone that I stopped drinking. My family observed the changes in me and if I was with other people, I just said 'No, thanks'. I did however, make changes in people and activities in my life because I didn't want to be around alcohol and people who were drinking.

OneLessLonely

I had those feelings too. In the beginning I told people I was on a bit of a health kick or a cleanse. Then after awhile I just told people I felt so much better not drinking that I dont care for it anymore. I always say it in a positive way and I'm always gentle but firm. I realized I'm stronger than I thought was, especially having everyone here who "gets it." I agree that it is a personal journey and others don't need to know a thing. But whatever you do decide to tell then, you should not be ashamed of.

Fernaceman

What other people think of me is honestly none of my business.

Tough concept for me to grasp, but am tryin to get there.

DoubleBarrel

I don't say anything.
There are all kinds of poisons that I don't ingest, and I don't feel the need to announce them to people either.

My wife and kids know, that's enough for me.

Fandy

People are a lot less interested in whether you drink or not. it was the biggest deal in MY head.

Junebugapril

I wasn't going to say anything. Especially to my sister, who has been nagging me to stop drinking. I told her I quit drinking because we were having a dry Thanksgiving at my house. Then I requested that she never bring it up to me, that I would keep her appraised of my progress.

On Thanksgiving, my sister and I had a quarrel about something, and she called me a dry drunk. Kerpow.

I was so mad that I had told her.

MIRecovery

No thanks but I will take a water or soda if you have one

pattyj

Thank you so much for your thoughts and suggestions. What people do think of me is their business, not mine. I have been honest with the one person who acknowledged my propblem and he encouraged me to quit. He has been very supportive and tells me that being sober will work for me too. I have many alcoholics in my family and shouldn't really care what they think, they are probably too worried about themselves anyways. As far as friends who drink, I will soon realize who are the 'real' friends and support me and those who never were friends to begin with.

DoubleBarrel

WOW. Just WOW. Ain't family grand?

pattyj

That's the whole reason why I haven't told my family. Instead of being called a stupid drunk you get called a dry drunk. My mom, an alcoholic, has tried to quit a few times. When she slips up (which is more and more these days) my family gives her the hardest time. 'I thought you quit drinking!' 'Why are you drinking again?' 'What's wrong with you?!' I don't want that said to me if I do slip up. On one hand, I think being held accountable for my actions (drinking) is a good thing and my family would have no problem with that. But on the other hand I feel that if those things were said to me I would take it the wrong way and go off the deep end.

onlythetruth

pattyj,

I have mixed feelings on this one.

Right after I quit drinking I did tell people that I'd done so, partly because I wanted to keep myself honest and close the door, but also because I felt I owed people an explanation of why my behavior had changed (everyone was used to me drinking, of course).

I do think that it helped some to tell my closest friends and family; for me it signified that I was truly done and committed to abstinence--which I was and still am.

But over time I've come to see how ridiculous it was for me to think I owed anyone an explanation, especially not casual acquaintances. The reality is that most people simply do not notice or care how much other people drink. It's like....do you notice how many carrots someone else eats? No...because you don't care. Drinking is like just like that for the vast majority of people.

onlythetruth

Sounds like telling your family might not be the best idea then. You are probably better off getting support and accountability somewhere else, like here, for example.

Sasha4

I agree DB.

June that was just plain mean and unkind of your sister. I hope you have received an apology in the very least. Name calling is not nice. I hope you don't update her on your progress, she does not deserve to know in my opinion. Your doing great and that's all that matters.

Patty - as I always say 'its my battle and I will fight it as I see fit'.

At the moment it's my business, but when I decide, it might become someone else's business, but I seriously doubt it.

Wishing you all the best.

Windancer

I used to have a really hard time with this. i honestly dont care so much anymore. I will say things casually like "Ive cut back" or "Im more focused on health now and dont really drink anymore" etc etc. But I really try and also avoid "wet" situations where that will come up. If I know it is unavoidable Ill carry a bottle of water, or get a herbal tea and say "No, thanks, Im good"...and wave my altenative beverage. I dont feel I need to explain my reasons, and if people push it, I simply say I dont appreciate them pushing it and I would appreciate them respecting my feelings about the matter. If people judge me, it is their issue, and I try not to make it mine.

Delilah1

I really think it is a personal choice who you tell and when. I told my husband the night I decided to quit. We had both talked about it many times, or at least cutting back. At first I think he thought it was just a phase but tomorrow will be day 49, and I plan on making it a lifelong phase!

Told my kids a few days later, nothing detailed, just that Mommy is trying to be healthier... Wrote a post about that early on.

Told my mom next, and my best friend, then my one sister in law who I have gotten close with.

I am the boss at work, so I haven't shared with anyone. If they ask why I am not drinking at an event I will tel them I am training for a half marathon (which I am), or I need to pick the kids up after.

Ok, so I just rambled, but I think you tell people because it feels right to you, and if you know they will be supportive.