Kasia71

Hi All....This is my first post ever and I'm feeling very sad as I write it. Saturday night I stayed up til 3am drinking, while my husband and three children slept soundly. Finally woke up at 11am with a hangover (for the 3rd day in a row) and with the same pain I was experiencing for days in my upper right abdomen. I decided enough is enough...I have to stop drinking Sunday night through Thursday night and try not to get out of hand on weekends. I know you are all saying, "give me a break, you need to STOP". I stumbled on this site when I was searching for information of when my anxious/irritable feelings caused by withdrawal will go away. Once I got started reading some of your posts, I couldn't stop....kept delving in deeper to what you all had to say...I felt like I was reading my story over and over. I am a 41 yr old married mother of three. My husband and I have been together since our early 20s and quickly made our favorite past time drinking together. Once we moved in together it became our nightly activity. This has gone on for roughly 19 years. I started out a pretty, thin, confident 22 year old and by 26 I was 40 pounds heavier and not feeling so sexy and confident anymore. Somewhere around 30 we both decided that it would be better to drink hard liquor to reduce calories/bloating. Really bright! So vodka tonics became my drink...yes I know, tonic is loaded with calories too. So of course my weight never came down, but my tolerance went up, up, up. Surprisingly I was able to just QUIT with my pregnancies..quit drinking along with smoking. But, as soon as I finished breast feeding....right back to it. I typically drink 4-5 drinks a night, fairly strong though, so about 12-15 oz of vodka....and of course a lot more on weekends. I always was telling myself I was fine during the week, getting up with kids, doing what needs to be done...maybe groggier than I would have been had I not drank, but was still functioning. "It's not effecting my life, I have it under control" is what I told myself. Well recently, I have been staying up hours past when my husband goes to bed, drinking more (which I never did before) and having regular blackouts at the end of the night and shakiness in the morning.

So, now I'm a 41 yr old stay at home mom and I have been in a horrible slump since a few months before my 40th bday (1-1/2yrs now). This is horrible to admit, but I never had feelings of ending my life, instead I thought about wanting to leave them all and start fresh. I have one child with ADHD who has been a struggle since he was a toddler...tests my patience non-stop. So I felt, THEY are why I am so miserable and hate my life! In the fall when the kids started school I decided to get help for my depression because I was blowing up at the kids and my husband constantly. I have been seeing a counselor weekly and also have been put on an AD. Definitely has helped me to not be so pissed off and see that it can get better...but I continue to drink like a fish at night.

After reading a lot of your posts about how alcohol made you depressed, how you missed out on so many things in life cause you got caught up with drinking, about feeling you've been a bad parent, friend, etc....ugh, made me realize that hitting my 40s and not being where I thought I would be is not the kids fault. It's that I have made my drinking daily my priority, which doesn't leave much room for relationships, hobbies, career, asperations. My husband and I barely even go out ever cause it means one of us CAN'T drink then..we don't drive drunk. So we stay home and have coctails..every weekend. I thought about going back to work this year, but of course I thought...well, how will I drink at night and do that? Friends invite me to parties, but I rsvp no because that would mean I would have to drink very little cause I would have to drive home. And, of course, my husband loves me to stay home because we're drinking buddies.

Anyhow, I'm starting my 4th day of not drinking today....easy during the day cause I was never a daytime drinker, but 5-10pm has been brutal! I guess in my head I still feel like I haven't completely committed to completely stopping....but the more I read what you all say I feel like I'm inching closer and closer. Thank you for all you share..I don't feel alone is this struggle reading your posts.

Sasha4

Hi welcome to our family

I remember when I found this site.
I was in bed late in the morning stinking of stale vodka (which I drank as it was low calorie), shaking, feeling paranoid. It probably was not even a weekend, it might have been a wednesday morning!

It's taken me a while to 'get it' so to speak and reading on SR certainly helped me to get it, but I am 290 days sober. It will be a year on 14/02/2013 since I have had a drink.

When I look back back to my dark days I never thought this achievement would 'belong' to me!

I always thought alcoholics were tramps that drank too much. They were homeless. They lived and drank on the streets. Surely I could not have a problem as I am a mum, work full time, have a nice house and a car. But I do.

I'm not too bothered by labels - such as binge drinker or alcoholic. I just realise that alcohol makes me unhappy. It does not let me be the person I want to be. It makes me sad, depressed, worried, anxious, lazy, paranoid, fearful and unproductive.

It takes work, I won't lie.
I was an evening time drinker too (or when it got dark!)
I got busy on an evening. I have a three year old so I had to stay at home a lot in the evenings. I also have a partner who drinks who did not stop either.
I admit I did a lot of cleaning, fake tanning, exercise, went out for drives and listened to loud music, early nights, sorting out, de-cluttering, polishing, sorting out photo's on my computer. I drank a load of hot chocolate and diet soda too.

But now I can honestly say it would feel strange to sit and drink on an evening.

I hope you stay here and post and get to know us Xx

phoebe64

Welcome Kasia. This is a great place with tons of support. Stay here. Even if you are not sure yet, keep coming back.

Wine was my drink, but I understand so many of your feelings. The drinking buddy husband, I have 2 kids, functioning and thinking we have it together, the weight gain, etc... I have been struggling with sobriety for 2 years, basically, since getting some news about my health. Right now I am on day 6 and hope I have it right this time. I feel more committed.

You can do this.

Ro

zeroptzero

It is very difficult in the beginning to imagine "never again" (but yes, count me among those who would tell you, if you asked, that you need to stop now and forever.)
I see many similarities in our stories. In my case, it was in my 30's that I suddenly became "depressed" and found myself being told I had "anxiety." Out comes the antidepressants and the Xanax. The drinking never changed (no wait, it got worse) - why should it? That wasn't the cause of my problems, it was my Solution. Right? Clearly it was my marriage, family, job, the weather, etc. that made me drink. Alcoholic, me? Never.
Funny the medications didn't do the trick. Of course, I never told any medical provider how much I drank, and the warnings on the sides of the pill bottles surely didn't apply to someone who only (pretty much) drank at night after a hard days work? Man those nights got harder too, no matter how much I drank. Insomnia? Ambien is the new solution.
There are many causes of depression and anxiety, it may not be only the alcohol, but the alcohol only makes it worse. Since I achieved sobriety, I have been off all medications, and I have never felt better.
I suggest that you will not be able to understand your own situation without the clarity of total sobriety. I believe that you can do it. Not drinking today is the only way to get there.

courage2

kasia you sound a lot like me too except for the last year or so i've been drinking gin all day, every day -- nothing after i get home, because my husband "thinks" i stopped -- so sometimes i work really late so i can keep drinking . I used to be a nighttime drinker though, then moved into nights + morning eye-openers...

I agree with zeroptzero that alcohol makes depression worse -- both physically and because it gives you more bad experiences to regret, more loss. For about the last 6 months i've been really depressed, wishing i were dead, but afraid to go to the doctor for treatment because i figured he'd find out about the drinking and tell me to quit. but between the depression & my stomach (starting around 2 years ago, i'm approaching 50, i've really felt the physical consequences of 30 yrs daily boozing) i finally decided 3 DAYS AGO to get my body clean. i figure if i still feel that depressed after 1 week sober (if I make it that long) i'll get a doctor appointment, but first i need to find out what the booze is masking.

Jitterbugg

Hi kaisa,
I also switched from beer to vodka as my drinking problem progressed and got pains in my upper right abdomen. I ended up in the ER one night because of the constant throbbing pain. The tests revealed that I was suffering from alcohol-induced hepatitis of the liver (swollen liver). No permanent damage, but clearly a bad sign. Welcome to the site.

Dee74

Welcome Kasia - I'm very glad you've joined us.
It's a really momentous decision you're making - but I've never regretted making it

like you say you're not alone

D

artsoul

Welcome Kasia!

Congratulations on your 4th day sober! Those first days are tough - I clung to this forum to keep my sanity. I promise it gets better. Within a week, I noticed my anxiety and depression starting to lift and it was so nice not to wake up thinking "how am I going to make it through today?"

Take it one day at a time (or an hour at a time, or whatever's manageable) and keep things simple. You can do this!

Kasia71

Thank you so much all of you for your responses. It is hard to accept that you may need to "never again"....and also hard to accept that everything you have missed out on and screwed up was from your drinking. Sad that I wasted my 20s and 30s focussed on drinking with my husband and only making friends that were into drinking too. I think we gravitate to each other. All this time I've been able to set my life up in a way that no one else knows what I do other than my husband, and he does it with me. I am a bit worse though, but he never gives me a hard time. But I can see clearly that if I don't stop this daily drinking it will effect my kids....the things they're missing cause mom and dad are hungover, or sleeping late...the crankiness cause we both feel like crap.

Courage2, I'm not sure what you were refering to with your stomach, but I had a scare in March. My abdomen was distended and hurt on the upper right side...felt hard. I was so terrified...felt like this behavior had caught up with me and I did some serious harm. But, I was scared to go to a Dr...don't want to admit what I've been doing all these years and get a lecture and certainly don't want to hear I did irrepairable damage. But after a good week of it, and some panic attacks because I was freaking myself out so bad... I finally saw my Dr. I had an abdominal xray, and abdominal CT scan, a gall bladder ultrasound, and blood work to check my liver and kidneys, etc. It all came back perfect. So you know what that meant....clean bill of health...keep drinking. Well, about a week ago it came back. Though they didn't find anything, I know it has to be related to drinking. I stopped Sunday and it's mild at this point...significantly improved.

At this point, I'm very happy I'm taking the AD because I was so down 4 weeks ago that I could barely function. At least now I'm able to get up, be productive, and not dwell non-stop on what I hate about my life. Hopefully the AD will be a temporary fix. I'm not sure without them I would even be here though because where I was before, all I wanted to do is numb my feelings.

Again, thanks for the support! I will keep coming back to help me stay focussed on not going back to where I was...not pretty!

Thepatman

Welcome so SR. Life is so much better sober. Easy, not really but better because you can face your life and feel courage. No need to hide behind a bottle anymore. The feeling of freedom is like you will have never experienced before.

And the sleep, it's so awsome to sleep and not wake up with the heart pounding hard, the panic etc. Soooo glad you are here!

Junebugapril

Hi Kasia,
The reason I like this site, is because nobody has said to me "give me a break, you need to STOP". This has been a kinder type of place. Not a stiff upper lip kind of place. At least for me. And if anyone did speak that way to me, I have ignored it. I just don't do well with that kind of energy.

People here have been supportive, celebrating all my accomplishments, not browbeating me when I have failed. I guess that is why it is helping me so much.

I am pretty new too, this is my second week sober. In the past year, I don't think I ever even went 24 hours sober. I admire that you could stop drinking when you were pregnant and nursing.

Back in the stone age when I was pregnant (my oldest child is 34), I was fooling around with drugs. I thank getting pregnant, for after that I had no more interest in drugs. I didn't really start drinking much until my 50's, and only started drinking a lot within the past two years. But I feel like I don't have to hit bottom and get DUIs to stop.

It seems like you also realize that your drinking is out of control. That is a great first step.

Welcome! I am happy you are here,
JunebugApril

Kasia71

Is it just me, or is it normal to read these replies and well up with tears....sadness is part of it, but it also feels so good to have people that understand my f***ed up behavior (excuse my language) and give me support. I don't even tell my therapist about my drinking. I guess it's hard for her to help me when she's been kept in the dark about the BIG issue. I have beat myself up in my head for so long. Hitting 40 yrs old, 40 pounds overweight, a closet smoker and an alcoholic is never what I imagined for myself. A lot of shame! Well, today's a new day.....

Thank you all

summerpapaya

I just got my second dui 2 nights ago, i feel scared and alone. im not sure how i can even get better

courage2

don't beat yourself up, kasia! we've all lied and done harm to ourselves and/or others. on Day 3, anyway, i'm still trying not to look back or forward, and to give myself a mental pat on the back every hour that passes and I don't buy a bottle.

ragazza

hi Kasia,
Your story is just so similar to mine. 40 years old, married with 3 children, drank like a fish for a long time, started to have problems with what it was diagnosed as anxiety and depression, but I'm sure it was all caused by the alcohol. Also on my 4th day.
welcome to this site, kasia, we're going to make it, I'm sure

Kasia71

wow ragazza, we do sound the same!

Sazzle

Hi Kasia

Since I quit:
I've lost weight
My mornings are mine again
Work is easier
Zero anxiety
Clear glowing skin & better behaved hair (less knotty?!)
I am calm
I am much less angry and 'woe is me'

I just wanted to give you a summary of the benefits I've had in only 1 month sober. You can do it and you'll feel so much better. I won't lie, the first 10 days were tough.

S x

Thepatman

Kasia, if you are crying it's a good sign. Booze was all our best friend, good times, sad times it was always there. But a real friend would not put you to an unnessary early death.

You have courage to be here, don't forget that. And please don't beat yourself up. Read my signature and replace with Women ;-) actually I'm changing my signature.

CaiHong

Hi and Welcome to both of you,
Don't worry about the tears , I don't know why they happen, they just do. I cried a lot in early sobriety and still tear up.
You see the problem, so you don't need me to tell you to stop drinking. I have stopped since May 30th 2011 with the support of AA and SR.
I just want to say we are all her for you both. All the best
Love
CaiHong

onlythetruth

Kasia,

Your drinking is a lot like mine was. At age 38 I was the mom of young kids. Married. I made the family trains run on time, but I couldn't work although I have a professional degree. I was a closet drinker of the daily, blackout variety. I spent a lot of years where you are. Wanting to figure out a way where I could get my life back on track...wanting to somehow do it without fully quitting.

Now I'm not going to tell you that you have to STOP. That is something only you can decide, really. But for myself, I absolutely needed to stop. Frankly it was easier that way, because the way it was for me, once I had one drink I wanted a bunch of drinks. It was none or get totally loaded. No in-between for me.

Of course at first when I quit the problems seemed insurmountable, but slowly and surely my life changed and now....

1. I have my career back, full steam and successful.
2. I have great relationships with my kids, who are grown up now.
3. I have a fantastic marriage (new husband).
4. I am in excellent physical health.
5. Although I have an anxiety disorder, it is well managed with medication.
6. I have worked out most of my childhood trauma issues through therapy.

It has all been worth it.

PS: It is okay to cry. This is hard stuff...but I know, I KNOW, if I can do this, you can.