High Functioning Alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
High Functioning Alcoholic
I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years. We have a beautiful 3 year old little boy. My boyfriend is a hard working loving man but he suffers from alcoholic issues. When we first got together he was more of a partier on the weekends. Which at the time wasnt too bad because I went out with him. I would rarely get drunk with him because I would have to drive home. At the time he had 2 DUIs. (yes this should of been a stopping point). But once we found out we were going to be expecting my partying stage stopped. His however changed from going out to staying in. He now drinks at home with friends or alone, it doesnt bother him. He drinks on average 6 days a week sometimes more sometimes less. Weekends he is always drunk.
I have done research over the last couple years and could never find anything that fits him. Only until resently have I found "high functioning alcoholics" has it made sense. I have heard every excuse to the reasons for his drinking. Now he tells me its because of his family genes (which I have yet to see or know of any family memeber that drinks like him). I have told him I wont marry him unless he gets it undercontrol and nor will I wait forever, which he gets upset about.
I feel awful for putting our child in his father's issues. But at the same time I find it hard to leave when there isnt really anything horrible going on. Shoot most of the time i perfer him drinking. He is the sweetest man and will do anything for me when he is drinking (except stop drinking). When he isnt drinking he acts like hes upset when he says hes not and then goes to bed early. He is fully functioning when hes drinking. He is even a boss at his job (where he is not drinking).
I know hes not going to change unless he chooses to, which he has yet to do. He knows he has a problem but refuses to get help, claims he can do it himself. I am currently going to school in hope to be done in 2 1/2 years if I over load myself. This decision I made during the summer just in case he really doesnt change and I can support myself and my child.
I guess I just need the support that I'm doing the right thing and that he truly does have a problem that I cant fix. I know me leaving will break him and might cause him to drink more. Please tell me if I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not over thinking this.
I have done research over the last couple years and could never find anything that fits him. Only until resently have I found "high functioning alcoholics" has it made sense. I have heard every excuse to the reasons for his drinking. Now he tells me its because of his family genes (which I have yet to see or know of any family memeber that drinks like him). I have told him I wont marry him unless he gets it undercontrol and nor will I wait forever, which he gets upset about.
I feel awful for putting our child in his father's issues. But at the same time I find it hard to leave when there isnt really anything horrible going on. Shoot most of the time i perfer him drinking. He is the sweetest man and will do anything for me when he is drinking (except stop drinking). When he isnt drinking he acts like hes upset when he says hes not and then goes to bed early. He is fully functioning when hes drinking. He is even a boss at his job (where he is not drinking).
I know hes not going to change unless he chooses to, which he has yet to do. He knows he has a problem but refuses to get help, claims he can do it himself. I am currently going to school in hope to be done in 2 1/2 years if I over load myself. This decision I made during the summer just in case he really doesnt change and I can support myself and my child.
I guess I just need the support that I'm doing the right thing and that he truly does have a problem that I cant fix. I know me leaving will break him and might cause him to drink more. Please tell me if I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not over thinking this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi there,
You have found a lot of support on this forum. I think it might be better though to post this in Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.
Don't know if my link worked. But it is the friends and family of alcoholics.
You will get very good answers here also, but for long-term support, I feel the other section is better
It is good to see that you are thinking ahead, and already making plans.
You have found a lot of support on this forum. I think it might be better though to post this in Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.
Don't know if my link worked. But it is the friends and family of alcoholics.
You will get very good answers here also, but for long-term support, I feel the other section is better
It is good to see that you are thinking ahead, and already making plans.
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
It sounds like you are looking out for you and your child and that is always the right thing to do. There are many high functioning alcoholics out there, myself included, we are not all sleeping under a bridge or whatever image people have. I think that is why it is harder to accept in someone like your man.....because he is wonderful otherwise but does have a drinking problem.
Basically you can't do anything to make him stop, the desire has to come from deep within and it can be difficult. The thing that you need to think about is the fact that this is a chronic and progressive disease......we are never cured and the disease gets worse and eventually the person needs more and more to get their fix. I don't know if you noticed this with your boyfriend but I noticed it with myself.
You sound like you are doing the right thing for you and you child and you are thinking about the future,you should be proud of that. I'm sorry you have to deal with this disease, I do believe if someone has to come home and drink every night then they do have a problem.
Take care!
Basically you can't do anything to make him stop, the desire has to come from deep within and it can be difficult. The thing that you need to think about is the fact that this is a chronic and progressive disease......we are never cured and the disease gets worse and eventually the person needs more and more to get their fix. I don't know if you noticed this with your boyfriend but I noticed it with myself.
You sound like you are doing the right thing for you and you child and you are thinking about the future,you should be proud of that. I'm sorry you have to deal with this disease, I do believe if someone has to come home and drink every night then they do have a problem.
Take care!
Been there, done that!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
Hi and welcome, I liked the post it is very similar to my story i have a beautiful little girl an amazing fiancé and I run 2 companies which both do well but Iam an alcoholic. I was a weekend drinker than a weekday drinker than an everyday drinker but never in the mornings I always worked hungover or not so just because you are high functioning does not mean that the problem is not life threatening because it is....
We can not say if your partner is alcoholic someone could drink 7 days a week and not be alcoholic, it's not so much quantity but what happens to that person once they take that drink. Obviously if he is alcohol dependant ie shakes in the morning sweats etc then that's a tell tell sign, but I never had them problems myself.
He will only stop if he wants to, no matter how much you ask or beg him it's something he must decide to do.
Good luck.
We can not say if your partner is alcoholic someone could drink 7 days a week and not be alcoholic, it's not so much quantity but what happens to that person once they take that drink. Obviously if he is alcohol dependant ie shakes in the morning sweats etc then that's a tell tell sign, but I never had them problems myself.
He will only stop if he wants to, no matter how much you ask or beg him it's something he must decide to do.
Good luck.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I think that you are doing the right thing by being prepared to leave with your child. It doesn't sound likely that your boyfriend is ready to make the changes in his life he would need to recover, at least not yet. I hope he decides to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
as long as you are doing what is best for you and your daughter, then the choices you make will be the right ones. they might be hard and painful choices, but they will be your choice. his choices, as you have already recognised, are his. sounds like you are getting yourself organised, but 2.5years is a long time to be living with an alcoholic, and a long time for your child to live with an alcoholic father. do you have family you can turn to?
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
The term "functioning alcoholic' is a oxymoron. You can't be a alcoholic and functioning at all levels. It's simply not possible. Most folks drive a automobile to work yet he has DUI's and can't legally drive. He was not functioning at that time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
"But at the same time I find it hard to leave when there isnt really anything horrible going on."
I had to smile in recognition at this - I'm in a similar place emotionally. My husband is most of the time much nicer to me now that he is drinking again than he was when he was a dry drunk. It's not so easy when he drinks in larger quantities, but most of the time it's okay. I have to wonder sometimes if I'm just settling, but I do love him.
You are SO doing the right thing going to school - you are developing skills and self-confidence, learning new stuff - that is wonderful for you regardless of your relationship status. Please stick with it - I know it's hard, especially with a kid. My (codependent) mom did that while she was married to my (occasionally abusive, unfaithful) dad. It freed her to leave eventually. We both have residual damage, though, even 35 years later.
You know, if you do leave it's not going to "make" him drink more. Only he can do that, just as only he can stop. Let go of that guilt and responsibility - it's not yours to carry. You are responsible for you and for your son.
It sounds like you have time to work through this. Have you thought about going to Alanon? Coming to SR, reading and posting here (glad you found it, by the way!), reading books (libraries usually have at least Codependent No More by Melody Beattie if not a better selection), just in general educating yourself and finding support is good.
Take care. You don't have to decide anything today, or this week!!
I had to smile in recognition at this - I'm in a similar place emotionally. My husband is most of the time much nicer to me now that he is drinking again than he was when he was a dry drunk. It's not so easy when he drinks in larger quantities, but most of the time it's okay. I have to wonder sometimes if I'm just settling, but I do love him.
You are SO doing the right thing going to school - you are developing skills and self-confidence, learning new stuff - that is wonderful for you regardless of your relationship status. Please stick with it - I know it's hard, especially with a kid. My (codependent) mom did that while she was married to my (occasionally abusive, unfaithful) dad. It freed her to leave eventually. We both have residual damage, though, even 35 years later.
You know, if you do leave it's not going to "make" him drink more. Only he can do that, just as only he can stop. Let go of that guilt and responsibility - it's not yours to carry. You are responsible for you and for your son.
It sounds like you have time to work through this. Have you thought about going to Alanon? Coming to SR, reading and posting here (glad you found it, by the way!), reading books (libraries usually have at least Codependent No More by Melody Beattie if not a better selection), just in general educating yourself and finding support is good.
Take care. You don't have to decide anything today, or this week!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Ah the myth of a (Highly) Functioning Alcoholic, or as I like to call it - an Alcoholic who can not get honest with him or herself.
Alcoholism is progressive, that is a fact. Things only get worse, not better if he continues down this path...
I too considered myself a Highly Functioning Alcoholic for many years, as that was convenient... Only when I started achieving the "not yet's" did I wake up and decided to finally do something about it.
Take care of yourself and your 3 year old boy... Until he admits and accepts he has a problem, nothing will change unfortunately.
All the best !
Alcoholism is progressive, that is a fact. Things only get worse, not better if he continues down this path...
I too considered myself a Highly Functioning Alcoholic for many years, as that was convenient... Only when I started achieving the "not yet's" did I wake up and decided to finally do something about it.
Take care of yourself and your 3 year old boy... Until he admits and accepts he has a problem, nothing will change unfortunately.
All the best !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
He has gotten his DL back and he DOES NOT DRINK AND DRIVE anymore. He knows if I even find this out I will leave with no questions asked. I do understand that no drunk is ever functioning. However I guess when I think as a fuctioning alcoholic I think of someone who is always doing something productive while drinking. Now when he becomes drunk no, his productiveness become sloppy, which is when he goes to bed. I guess I call him this because he is in no way abusive. Which in fact he is very loving, sweet, and a great communicator. He becomes my "best friend" so to speak. I just wish he didnt have to drink to become this way. I'm not in denial, I know what must be done when the time comes. I'm just worried about leaving him and his condition gets worse because the stress becomes worse. But again I know what must be done. However I dont want to just up and leave when I have no job or place to go. I wish to be prepaired for my child sake. My child is in no harm, has a roof over his head, and food in his belly. I wish to get schooling done and then have a good paying job to support the two of us if the time comes to it. But if things become worse than what it is now then my "plans" will have to change if i feel my child is in danger.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I think it's a common misconception that many people may have when they think of an alcoholic, they picture them as being nothing but a lazy slob living in the gutter that can't do anything but get drunk, however many, if not most alcoholics are like your husband.
The only other two alcoholics I know personally are also "high functioning" alcoholics that hold down jobs, have wives, families etc,.. It can be difficult to get to these types of alcoholics and many times the person themselves feel they don't have a problem as they can still be responsible by holding down jobs and providing for their families, and their family members may also have this feeling as well.
Really all you can do is try to get through to him how much it bothers you and to look into AA, but it all comes down to him making the choice to stop.
I'd also look into local al-anon meeting for yourself that can get you involved with other people in your shoes.
The only other two alcoholics I know personally are also "high functioning" alcoholics that hold down jobs, have wives, families etc,.. It can be difficult to get to these types of alcoholics and many times the person themselves feel they don't have a problem as they can still be responsible by holding down jobs and providing for their families, and their family members may also have this feeling as well.
Really all you can do is try to get through to him how much it bothers you and to look into AA, but it all comes down to him making the choice to stop.
I'd also look into local al-anon meeting for yourself that can get you involved with other people in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by cwgirlkrissy 
He has gotten his DL back and he DOES NOT DRINK AND DRIVE anymore. He knows if I even find this out I will leave with no questions asked. I do understand that no drunk is ever functioning. However I guess when I think as a fuctioning alcoholic I think of someone who is always doing something productive while drinking. .
If he's drinking six days a week, he's driving impaired.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Dracut,MA
Posts: 78
Hi cwgirl,
I too am a "highly functioning" alcoholic - that was until early this year when I became something I never was before in my life - "unreliable". For the 1st time in my life it cost me a job, and if not for very understandable people at my next job, would have ended that one too. I am sober 4 months right now. The longest sobriety I've had was 7 months. Alcoholism is progressive as many others pointed out - it just keeps getting worse. I know I will pick up right where I left off if I relapse and just get worse, and I always think of that to keep me on track.
All that being said, if my wife and Dad had not supported me and fully understood addiction, I don't know where, or if, I would be right now. Also, I don't believe anybody can make a concerted, genuine effort to quit unless they make the decision themselves and accept that they have a serious addiction(that's my personal experience and of those I've been in recovery with).
I too am a "highly functioning" alcoholic - that was until early this year when I became something I never was before in my life - "unreliable". For the 1st time in my life it cost me a job, and if not for very understandable people at my next job, would have ended that one too. I am sober 4 months right now. The longest sobriety I've had was 7 months. Alcoholism is progressive as many others pointed out - it just keeps getting worse. I know I will pick up right where I left off if I relapse and just get worse, and I always think of that to keep me on track.
All that being said, if my wife and Dad had not supported me and fully understood addiction, I don't know where, or if, I would be right now. Also, I don't believe anybody can make a concerted, genuine effort to quit unless they make the decision themselves and accept that they have a serious addiction(that's my personal experience and of those I've been in recovery with).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
While I TOTALLY agree that quitting is the drinker's responsibility I think that it is useful to have a loved one say that it isn't okay. For me, those were the fault lines that eventually cracked open my drinking problem to the point where I did something.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
Well I gave him a choice this morning of his family or his beer. I didnt want it to come to an ultimatum because I hear thats never a good thing to do. However after finding out we dont have the money for daycare for me to go to school, I cant live with this anymore. I love him dearly but just not enough to deal with his drinking and money issues.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
They say never give ultimatums, but if they are real, and you are stating that You will no longer tolerate the behavior and will not abide it any longer, I know they can work.
How do I know this? Because both of my drunk grandfathers died sober men, and that's the old school technique my grandmothers used. They simply said cut it out, or we're done.
One grandpa used aa, the other quite honestly, never got well, just sober,
How do I know this? Because both of my drunk grandfathers died sober men, and that's the old school technique my grandmothers used. They simply said cut it out, or we're done.
One grandpa used aa, the other quite honestly, never got well, just sober,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: FL
Posts: 50
My confession-
I am almost exactly your boyfriend or was like him until seven weeks ago. I drank a six pack a night three or four nights a week. Granted, I hid them from my wife but I was getting blitzed all the same. I have a steady job, received raises and cooked dinner every night. I felt like **** most mornings but I still did it. Oh, did I mention our son? Two and half years old? I kept exercising and remained in good shape. I never had a DUI, never had a fight with my wife, never got in a fistfight with strangers.
The thing is, I knew what I was doing was wrong. Wrong for me, wrong for the kid and wrong for the family. You simply can't be a father when you are checked out all the time. Checking out mentally with alcohol is no different than checking out physically by being in a different location. It's just wrong and the kid (my kid, your kid) doesn't deserve that. Parents are role models, whether we want to be or not. Once the kid enters the scene, you have to adapt and change or you simply become a negative example.
It's not an ultimatum if it is true, you are setting the law for the family. You are responsible for that child. He has to realize that choices, actions and behaviors have real consequences.
I am almost exactly your boyfriend or was like him until seven weeks ago. I drank a six pack a night three or four nights a week. Granted, I hid them from my wife but I was getting blitzed all the same. I have a steady job, received raises and cooked dinner every night. I felt like **** most mornings but I still did it. Oh, did I mention our son? Two and half years old? I kept exercising and remained in good shape. I never had a DUI, never had a fight with my wife, never got in a fistfight with strangers.
The thing is, I knew what I was doing was wrong. Wrong for me, wrong for the kid and wrong for the family. You simply can't be a father when you are checked out all the time. Checking out mentally with alcohol is no different than checking out physically by being in a different location. It's just wrong and the kid (my kid, your kid) doesn't deserve that. Parents are role models, whether we want to be or not. Once the kid enters the scene, you have to adapt and change or you simply become a negative example.
It's not an ultimatum if it is true, you are setting the law for the family. You are responsible for that child. He has to realize that choices, actions and behaviors have real consequences.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1
My life in a nutshell
Wow, Cowgirl, wow.
Where do I begin? This seems to be an older post. From the sounds of it you (a) have left this man; or (b) he has quit drinking. Please know something, I was where you were. Eight years ago, I came home from work and would start dinner. I looked forward to the moment my husband would walk in the door. He walked in, a bit on edge which I attributed to a long day at work. We ate dinner and not much talking would be happening between he two of us. He looked at the tv as did I. After dinner he hastily would pop a beer open. I knew people that casually had a beer after work but never this many and never alone. However, when that beer was opened, his attitude towards me changed. He was more talkative. The tense stress in the house subsided. Part of me knew this way of living was wrong but it wasn't really hurting anyone. A few years down the road I had a newborn and a little girl. I watched her act confused when daddy was drunk. Was he mean? No. Was he clumsy? Not too bad. But she knew. She knew something as wrong. My friend pulled me aside and said "someday, someday she is going to ask you why you stayed with him for so long. Why will you allow her to think this way of life is ok?" Listen, Cowgirl, this isn't ok. I hope you have found a solution for your relationship. I was a waitress, I took night classes, and I left with my two children. It wasn't easy but when you have kids ANYTHING is possible to make their lives better. Please, if he hasn't done it by now, darling, he won't. Reach out to family and reach out to friends. If they know about your situation they will be there to help you. I am so happy I stumbled upon your post. I have since found my prince charming. He comes home from work, we take the kids for a walk around town, we come home and work on their homework and once they are in bed we snuggle up for a movie. THAT, my girl, is what life should be. Think long term. Think of school functions...think of the future. It won't get any easier, my dear. Please update us on your situation. I hope to hear life is amazing for you.
Where do I begin? This seems to be an older post. From the sounds of it you (a) have left this man; or (b) he has quit drinking. Please know something, I was where you were. Eight years ago, I came home from work and would start dinner. I looked forward to the moment my husband would walk in the door. He walked in, a bit on edge which I attributed to a long day at work. We ate dinner and not much talking would be happening between he two of us. He looked at the tv as did I. After dinner he hastily would pop a beer open. I knew people that casually had a beer after work but never this many and never alone. However, when that beer was opened, his attitude towards me changed. He was more talkative. The tense stress in the house subsided. Part of me knew this way of living was wrong but it wasn't really hurting anyone. A few years down the road I had a newborn and a little girl. I watched her act confused when daddy was drunk. Was he mean? No. Was he clumsy? Not too bad. But she knew. She knew something as wrong. My friend pulled me aside and said "someday, someday she is going to ask you why you stayed with him for so long. Why will you allow her to think this way of life is ok?" Listen, Cowgirl, this isn't ok. I hope you have found a solution for your relationship. I was a waitress, I took night classes, and I left with my two children. It wasn't easy but when you have kids ANYTHING is possible to make their lives better. Please, if he hasn't done it by now, darling, he won't. Reach out to family and reach out to friends. If they know about your situation they will be there to help you. I am so happy I stumbled upon your post. I have since found my prince charming. He comes home from work, we take the kids for a walk around town, we come home and work on their homework and once they are in bed we snuggle up for a movie. THAT, my girl, is what life should be. Think long term. Think of school functions...think of the future. It won't get any easier, my dear. Please update us on your situation. I hope to hear life is amazing for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
