LittleChris

Hi all,

So I've been sober for 3 weeks now because my drinking was getting in the way of my relationship. In the 3 weeks it's been really easy for me to stay sober because 2 years ago I went dry for 8 months and since haven't gone too overboard, although because my partner knows of my past (we've only been together for year and 3 months) he thinks overboard for me is drinking 2 glasses once or twice a week, so he would beg to differ. Anyways, my problem isn't so much staying sober for us as it is with the way he treats me on this issue. He thinks I lie about drinking and that I'm not actually 100% sober. He'll do it jokingly, like last night my parents had wine and I told him it didn't bug me at all, but he jokingly said just your parents had wine or u did too, all because I was laughing and being silly on the phone w him.

I find this to be a huge untrusting way of supporting me. He's great but on this one issue he drives me insane. I've asked him to trust me but he seems to still not. In our past, I've never lied about my drinking with him so it's annoying he would think I am now. Has anyone had this experience w their partner before? What can I do to get him to support me better? I'm just sticking w staying sober and hoping w time this will not be such a big issue anymore. The fact I'm doing this for us should make him realize how much I love him and won't hurt us by lying.

Thepatman

Explain exactly what you just said in your post to him. I find your post really heart felt so it should make him understand that you don't need the constant "picking" and comments.

Staying sober is a job on it's own, you don't need the extra load. ;-)

artsoul

I think we're all a little sensitive to the topic of drinking in the early days of sobriety. Most people don't understand what it's like unless they've been there. Have you told him how his comments make you feel? I think it's OK to ask for the kind of support you need.

Also, I think the longer you stay sober the less it will be an issue for both of you. Congrats on your 3 weeks - good job!

zanzibar

It takes a while to build the trust. I think the best thing to do is stay sober and let him come around on his own. He can't force you to not drink and you can't force him to trust you. It was a while before people started trusting me again as well.

MIRecovery

I am three years sober and my wife and kids still are not 100% sure they trust me because they have known me far longer as a drunk than someone in recovery. Trust is something that is earned. I stay sober for me and how they deal with it I have no control other than to show them on a daily basis.

flutter

I taught my husband very well not to trust me.. after many many years of drinking, and now only a few without, he actually said something similar to me a few weeks ago.. I had gone to a bachelorette party for a co-worker and called him on the way home and he said "You didn't sneak a drink?".. I was insulted, floored.. I have been sober for almost 4 years. I challenged him on it and he had absolutely no idea how hurtful those words were, he was "just joking", but he's also never understood the seriousness of my past issues (though he had a front row seat to them). He will NEVER understand. I have to just let it roll off my back and carry on. I'm sorry if it hurt you, non-alcoholics have absolutely no idea what this stuff is like.

Wesley423

the "normal" people will never understand what its like to be an addict. i spent so much time in active addiction that everyone viewed that as the true me. now that im sober people are still looking at me as an addict. i cant control what people think of me now. all i can do is make my actions show the true me.

TorontoGuy28

Be honest with him on how his comments make you feel.

My wife still quickly pours out any unfinished wine after we host a dinner party. Trust takes a while to build up... Not sure what you put him through, but perhaps it's just his immature approach to dealing with a tough issue ?


Also, you should be getting sober for YOU., rest of it, it's just positive side-effects

Splasho

Before I actually got sober, I would say to my partner at different times "I'm not going to drink this weekend" or "I'm going to go a week without drinking" and he would laugh at me and say "yeah right, I know you." He had no idea how much that hurt me. But it hurt me because I was an alcoholic. And I got defensive about it because I was an alcoholic. I have been sober for 24 days, and he is my biggest supporter. He sees how serious I am and has mentioned how proud of me he is. Maybe your partner just doesn't understand yet, maybe you need to be blunt with him, show him you are serious, and tell him you need his support and motivation and not his jokes or jabs. All alcoholics have tried to quit before actually quitting, and those around us have been affected by our ups and downs, on and offs. We just need those closest to us on board when we are truly ready to get on that train.

tomsteve

i was a liein cheatin, stealin drunk for a long time. anyone that didnt completely throw me out of their lives didnt trust me one bit when i got into recovery. early on in recovery, i was able to put the shoes on their feet and see why. then i didnt blame em a bit.
i had to earn trust through action. thats when i started getting support from them.

Delilah1

My husband wasn't as supportive as I would have liked the first few days, and these were my hardest days. He has since been more supportive, but really doesn't address my sobriety one way or another. I have realized that it is me who needs to recognize and be proud of my accomplishments.

Fernaceman

I dunno, humility really comes to mind for me, for some reason. I want to run out and tell everyone what a kickass job I think I am doing with my recovery and subsequent service work in the community. I want to think because I a am doing these things people, especially the ones I hurt, should automatically respect me again.

I think this is one of those topics, support of our loved ones, that can take time to gain. In one way or another they are simply waiting for the other shoe to drop and us to continue the vicious cycle. They will come around, but for the time being a sense of accomplishment within ones self will have to do. Also the man upstairs supports you no matter what. Don't forget that.

God bless.