Kath76

Since October I have been sober most of the time but twice i had a drink and all my ghosts returned - anxiety, guilt, resentment. The alcohol use to be an escape but now it is just a trap a very slow lesson I have learnt.

I think after drinking the last 15 years I have lost any social skills. I realise I don't have any real friends because i was too busy getting everything done so I could have my next drink, then i'd do something stupid or mean and would be so embarrassed that i would run away and hide. I pushed everyone away and I was never truely anyones friend and least of all a friend to myself.

My husband has even stoppped drinking now and I am really working hard on keeping myself busy with my family and activities to keep my mind off the drink but it does cross my mind everyday. I do feel great all the days I have woken up without a hangover but at the moment I regret so much I just don't feel like I am getting anywhere. I feel like i'm being judged every time I look at someone and feel guilty over and over again.


I do believe that taking alcohol completely out of my life is exactly right for me but to forgive myself for my past is a whole other recovery process.

KAD

Hi Kath! I know exactly what you mean about alcohol once being an escape but then becoming a trap. I can also definitely relate to how it eventually takes precedence over everything else and leaves you isolated and alone. The feelings of guilt and shame can be overwhelming sometimes, but you're going to have to cut yourself some slack or they can leave you feeling hopeless, which makes you vulnerable to being tempted to drink again. I know because I've fallen prey to that.

Great job staying sober for most of the past month or so! Focus on now and let go of what can't be changed or undone. Just as it took time to become dependent upon alcohol, it takes time to learn to live life without it.

Snarf

That process takes quite some time, trust me. The best thing to do in the short term is to remove the alcohol (if you believe it is causing problems); with time you'll be able to take care of the other problems, and some of them will even take care of themselves.

I've done so many bad things that if I dwelt on and held regrets over them, I'd never be able to move forward. A good example is that of some good friendships I lost years ago. In about 2001 I screwed over a really good friend out of some money. It wasn't intentional. I was 19 years old and a really bad drunk who also enjoyed dabbling in various drugs. My life was totally out of control and I had to move out of my apartment and back into my mom's house. I lived with 2 friends in that apartment, 1 of which was a very close friend. I pretty much ripped him off for over a thousand dollars because I didn't pay my last month's rent and didn't chip in for the repairs that were needed when everyone vacated the apartment. I could've paid him off in installments, but I was an irresponsible drunk and never did.

Well, that ended up ruining my relationship with him, and with about 6 or 7 other people by extension. The other guys in our group didn't want to hang out with me because I had been shady to our other friend. This also put a couple mutual friends in bad situations, because they knew that not all of their friends could be invited to certain functions.

I haven't had a drink in over 2.5 years, and this past weekend I went to a cabin with those guys I hadn't seen in over a decade, including the one really good friend that I screwed over. Turns out that my friends who stuck by me through all my foolishness (and I wouldn't blame them if they hadn't) had told my old friends about the changes I had made in my life since I stopped drinking. They were planning a cabin getaway for the week after Thanksgiving, and they ended up inviting me. I was able to bury the hatchet with my friend I had wronged, and reconnect with his brother and our other friends who had cast me out of the group. And it was an awesome, amazing experience.

For years I was upset and angry with myself over my actions to my friend, and depressed over the fact that my actions had led to me being ostracized from a group of really good guys, and people who had been very good friends to me once upon a time. But I had to move past those negative feelings I had for myself, and just focus on working hard to fix my shortcomings and make myself a better person. And without me even trying to reach out to those guys, they reached out to me and invited me back into the group, over 10 years later. I'll never get back the time I lost or the memories we could've made (like being at each other's weddings), but we can create new memories and better friendships moving forward. And it's really awesome to know that.

Good things happen in life when you do good things for your life. Just do what you need to do, and your life will grow and expand around you in ways you can't even imagine right now.

Cykntyrd

Hi Kath, change the 15 years of drinking to 30+ and it describes me to a T. Today its been 18 days since my last drink and find myself with no friends. I've isolated myself and rejected invitations so often that I no longer get them. The times I had thought about trying to reconnect with old friends I thought to myself that they wouldn't want to hang out with me. Hell - I wouldn't want to hang out with me!

I know I need to re-establish my social life. Kinda scary because in the earlier years of my drinking, alcohol was a social lubricant. In the later years of my drinking I felt myself to be socially inept. Now that I've been clean and sober for this short amount of time, I fear my social/interpersonal skills have deteriorated to the point where it would be difficult to reach out and actually engage with others.

I do know that in the last couple of weeks my self esteem has increased and soon I hope to feel worthy of having/being a friend.

Good luck to you. They tell me it gets better and so far it has been, not as fast as I would like but it's moving in the right direction.

phoebe64

I understand how you feel. I isolated when I was drinking heavily, and when I was caring for my dad and another family elder. I was just so down and stressed out by all of those things. Now, when I am sober(I had several months before) I feel like nobody is htere anymore. And if they are, it is all about "let's go grab a drink." or some of our couple friends who we could see are just big drinkers in general. I am not having fun with the same old crowd. Not sure I ever did. I just drank and that made it fun.

I really want to try to find sober friendships. Need to work on that.

goldiilocks

I feel the exact same way you describe in your post a lot. In the past those feelings are the ones that would cause me to drink again, because I would just give up and say that it wasnt worth it and I would use alcohol to calm those feelings. It never worked for me, and it always turned into a binge because I couldnt stand being sober. Each time I drank the thoughts would come back worse. I had to break the cycle. I tried practicing gratitude daily, and at first it felt forced but I now feel a place in my heart where I once had resentment and regrets is now replaced with a very warm feeling of love and acceptance. I don't think that would have happened if I didnt start acknowledging the good in my life despite the mistakes of my past. I am still early in recovery, but this has been my experience thus far. I hope it gets easier for you, just try to stay positive as hard as it may be at times.

Dee74

Hi Kath

The good thing about skills is we can always learn them again - it can take a little time and effort...some patience too, but I have no doubt you'll get there

As for regrets...we all have them But there's absolutely nothing we can do about the past Kath. It's done.

We can do an awful lot about what we do today tho

I found the more good days I had in recovery, and the more good things I did for myself and others, the better I felt about myself, and the less that stuff in the past mattered, to me or anyone else

That was old you - time to focus on new you Kath

D

dragon12

Really interesting reading this forum because the problems that I feel are unique to me are similar to what other people are experiencing. Yes, I too have isolated myself from others and find myself friendless at this stage in my life. My life has revolved around doing the day to day things during the day and then getting pissed in the evening. I don't seem to have the energy or desire to socialise. My friends are my wine and my drinking buddy - my husband. I'm also suffering from depression, not surprising. It really has come to the stage where I desperately want something more out of life and only I can change it. Alcohol is so insidious....whereas time long gone I would drink socially and have a lot of fun, now I rely on the drink and I have become socially isolated.

Kelli1959

Kath, I think alot of us understand what you are saying. This is a tough good thing you are doing. Keep reaching out . . . my boyfriend does not drink much either anymore 'cus just no fun and he never knows what will come from my drunk behavior - be it fun or be it folly. Hold on, you sound strong.