My crack christmas
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
My crack christmas
I hit my dealer up at the bar. Saw a guy that I always thought was hot and fun to hang with. Told him what I had. Pipe and lighter in hand. Stopped at the store for lots of beer and booze. You could buy hard stuff in the grocery store. And headed home.
My partner and I had split for a year when drugs and drinking boiled over. So I lived alone. He was in another state visiting his mother that was dying from years of smoking.
So life for me remained unchecked by anyone. It was Christmas Eve 2005.
I wrestled that pipe as quick as I could to get that first big hit. The only one that mattered. Chased it with a big ass shot and settled in. My new friend more than happy to be along for the ride.
In an attempt at normalcy I had put up a tree. Be it fake, it was not half bad. Blazing bright white lights. I overloaded it hoping the brightness would show my holiday spirit.
I spent more time staring blankly at the tree wondering how I got here. How could I be so empty.
I remember saying out loud "ken, you are doing crack on Christmas Eve." Then laughing in disbelief before taking another hit and passing it over to my buddy.
I got a call. It was my partner. He called to wish me merry Christmas. To say he was thinking of me. He knew. He heard it in the nuance of my voice. In the lack of depth to it.
When we speak of that year the phone call never comes up. It is to much. No need to speak of that defining moment. Addict to addict we knew where I was.
Waking from my passed out state. Looking over at this stranger. The tree still blazing. I had another shot. Got dressed and headed to the bar again. The dive bar opened early even on Christmas. The homeless went there to stay warm and have a place to go when the shelter closed for the morning to perp for the next shift.
I felt comfortable in the surrounding. Bought the bar a round and started again.
The years since have desensitized me to the need for material things. People scramble to value this or that. I don't.
My values have turned inward.
Christmas eve I will stare into the trees lights again. This time with my partner by my side.
My gifts this year are in every sober moment I can spend. Every prayer I can offer up.
I will smile a lot knowing where I have been. And very grateful to be where I am at.
My partner and I had split for a year when drugs and drinking boiled over. So I lived alone. He was in another state visiting his mother that was dying from years of smoking.
So life for me remained unchecked by anyone. It was Christmas Eve 2005.
I wrestled that pipe as quick as I could to get that first big hit. The only one that mattered. Chased it with a big ass shot and settled in. My new friend more than happy to be along for the ride.
In an attempt at normalcy I had put up a tree. Be it fake, it was not half bad. Blazing bright white lights. I overloaded it hoping the brightness would show my holiday spirit.
I spent more time staring blankly at the tree wondering how I got here. How could I be so empty.
I remember saying out loud "ken, you are doing crack on Christmas Eve." Then laughing in disbelief before taking another hit and passing it over to my buddy.
I got a call. It was my partner. He called to wish me merry Christmas. To say he was thinking of me. He knew. He heard it in the nuance of my voice. In the lack of depth to it.
When we speak of that year the phone call never comes up. It is to much. No need to speak of that defining moment. Addict to addict we knew where I was.
Waking from my passed out state. Looking over at this stranger. The tree still blazing. I had another shot. Got dressed and headed to the bar again. The dive bar opened early even on Christmas. The homeless went there to stay warm and have a place to go when the shelter closed for the morning to perp for the next shift.
I felt comfortable in the surrounding. Bought the bar a round and started again.
The years since have desensitized me to the need for material things. People scramble to value this or that. I don't.
My values have turned inward.
Christmas eve I will stare into the trees lights again. This time with my partner by my side.
My gifts this year are in every sober moment I can spend. Every prayer I can offer up.
I will smile a lot knowing where I have been. And very grateful to be where I am at.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
RR.... I am so damn thank ful to be here today.
I have had moments where I will never lose the clarity of that moment. No matter how old I get. This was one.
Glad to be on SR.
I have had moments where I will never lose the clarity of that moment. No matter how old I get. This was one.
Glad to be on SR.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Glad you are on SR Ken-I look forward to your posts daily. You help me clarify why staying sober is so important.
Second time in ten minutes I have been teary eyed in a good way over a post here. You folks help more than you know in the daily struggle
Second time in ten minutes I have been teary eyed in a good way over a post here. You folks help more than you know in the daily struggle
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