wornoutagain

I was guided to this forum to help me with this question....Were we ever loved by a substance abuser (DOC opiates) or was it just about manipulation to support your addiction???
I recently became aware of my boyfriends addiction to opiates which began with a perscription from his doctor for knee pain then an ingrown toenail then wisdom teeth....I could go on and on.
Now that I am aware, I look back over the past 2.5 years and wonder if I have honestly ever really and truly met or have know the man I love so deeply?
Or have I just been stupid and naive? My hindsight is helping me to see the signs I missed, I guess from the very beginning.
Are you really unaware that you have a problem until you are in a downward spiral, completely out of money and resources?
Are you aware of the pain it is causing your family and friends?
The love I feel for this man is so great, I find it impossible to walk away......How do I help him from your perspective? What is the best thing I can do for him?
I know I am rambling and I hope I can get some help to see things from the other side. Cause I feel lost.

Delilah1

My husband and I met in a bar, and have been together for 14 years and married 11. I have decided to completely stop drinking, he has cut down to two beers a day, I don't k ow that he will ever stop completely.

However, enough rambling. I fell in love with him the day I met him. We have similar interests, can make each other laugh, and of course we also drive each other crazy at times. He is a hard worker and a great dad. We have both had periods of time where we have drank too much, and know that we can't do that.

Even through times if struggle, or when I would have preferred he go on a solo vacation for a week (or month I have never doubted that I am in live with him, or that he was in, love with me. Not sure if that helps, but I think it depends on the individual situation.

Check out the friends and family thread, they may have some great advice and perspective.

wornoutagain

Thank you Delilah for your resonse

My hope is that this has not been just a lie because the love i have felt and given has felt so wonderful and happy and I am scared to death to lose it.

But after all the lies I have found out about in the past few months, It very difficult for me to believe that that it has not been just one BIG lie and that his true love is an opiate and I was just his vehicle for him. Maybe I will never know.

I am happy that you and your husband have been able to find happiness together. I appreciate you taking the time to tell ne your story

nogard

Hi wornoutagain,

Glad you found us and welcome

Active addiction takes everything and then some. I lied stole from those I loved and from strangers, lived a life that was totally about my addiction, took me to very dark places.

Does not mean I did not love, just that the capacity to love and to feel love had been buried.

Today I am full of love (mostly) for myself my family and friends, life and hold out great hope that I will meet someone and fall in love again.

There is a Friends and Families forum here, you may well find more or better answers there

Kevin

sissy07

I understand you questioning his love. I am sure mine was questioned. But the truth of the matter (for me) was that I loved the people that were questioning my love very much, even when abusing alcohol heavily. The love for them was so separate from my addiction to alcohol. I can see that, from the outside, it appeared that I loved drinking more than I loved them, but that was not true. I simply could not stop drinking at the time, no matter what, at least that is what I thought then. Part of the misery of it all was what I was doing to the people that I loved....I thought then that I was only hurting myself, and since I really didn't like myself that was o.k. at the time. Only later, when I had some sober time under my belt, did I realize the totality of what I had been doing to them.

Bottom line, I loved them sober and I loved them drinking. Maybe that is the case with your boyfriend, maybe it is not. I am sorry you are going through this. Take care.

wornoutagain

Thank you Nogard for your response.
Its great to see you are in a good place now, I know it has not been an easy road.

And just an FYI the name Kevin means Handsome in all ways.....So I believe you will have no problem finding true love. Just never give up looking

nogard

Awesome wornoutagain I am handsome in every possible way

Now I just have to believe that. Thats the trick for me, believe in me and I will heal in all ways, if I put in the work. Thanks to others and that mysterious power greater than me I do heal so can we all.

Never give up is what we do.

Anna

I think it's often believed that addicts are incapable of love, and I have never believed that to be true. I had enormous love for my family when I was drinking, however, I had a hard time making the decision to stop drinking. Alcoholism is a disease, not a character defect.

wornoutagain

Thanks Anna
If you dont mind me asking how did you make the decision to stop?

Anna

Things were getting increasingly difficult. My family was very upset with me and my health was suffering. I had to stop to save myself. I never lost my capacity to love my family.

ZiggyB

In a way I think yes, they do love us, but people with addictions have some serious problems that interfere with their capacity to be emotionally available. To me it felt like I was being "unloved" when he would be drinking all of the time because he would forget about me, or be very late, or fall asleep or go AWOL. And yes, I was lied to also which is not a very good feeling, and he would not stop no matter how distressed I became.

In my experience there is not much you can do, nagging, scolding and arguing about it only seemed to make the problem worse or he would turn it around on me saying I was the one with all the problems. You could offer to take him to a meeting, or to rehab but if he isn't ready to quit it's just a personal decision only he can make.

You should try Al-anon or read up on codependency, just be aware you need to take care of yourself. My ex and I broke up back in July and I loved him incredibly but things were not going very well between us at all and I got sick of suffering...

Threshold

This is how I experience it. I am a recovering addict/alcoholic. I love myself, my friends and family. There have been many times I did not act like it, and this is what I think was going on.

I had a dog, he is the smartest, sweetest dog around. Until you take him to the vet and it takes tranquilizers, a muzzle and three people to hold him down for his shots and exam. When he gets terrified, he becomes everything but his sweet self. He goes out of his mind.

When I got caught up in substance abuse. I lost my mind. I didn't stop loving, but there were times (not 24/7) when I didn't act lovingly towards anyone.

I understand that people can't live on the promise of feelings. We need the action. When a person is lost in addiction for a long time, words mean nothing, no matter how many times they say they love, behavior MUST follow suit.

Sometimes addiction takes us too far out for too much of the time, the anxiety etc causes us to lose our minds and behave in unloving ways. Sometimes we stop feeling love and feel only fear and hate...just like my dog.

I don't think that a person should stay in a relationship that is bad for them. No promise of feelings from an addict is reason enough to stay. Relationships aren't just feelings, they are actions, cooperation etc. And when one is lost to addiction they become incapable of that, no matter WHAT their feelings are.

Both addicts and their loved ones have to lay feelings aside and look at the big picture. Continuing to act on feelings alone will lead us all down a bad path, we must act on principles, and respect and honesty.

Your boyfriend may feel intense love for you, but if his drug habit has him in shackles, then there still is NO relationship.

I can only act in loving ways when I am free from the bondage of my addiction.

I am sorry for the pain and disappointment you are feeling, that you are cheated out of having the man you love. My boyfriend is a relapsed alcoholic, and I understand the pain on both sides.

Dee74

I never lost my humanity in all the years I drank and drugged...but I often lost my perspective.

I was frequently not in my right mind - even when I was ostensibly sober.

I convinced myself everything was ok - I rationalised my drinking and drugging as a need.

That doesn't absolve me of responsibility for the hurt I caused...and it certainly doesn't mean you have to put up with a situation that's bringing you sadness...

but I believe there is a difference between me on one hand and my addiction on the other.

D

walkingonglass

My exbf's therapist told him that if I really loved him, I would do the work and stop drinking. I did stop drinking but I didn't feel like I had a problem at that point. I resented him and his therapist for suggesting either of those things and I was miserable. So he broke up with me. I realize I do have a problem, but he could not tell me that because I wasn't ready to admit it to mysef.