Tired84

Hi there, I am new to this and am on here because I am almost done. I am so so so tired and am becoming I'll because of it. I have lived with my best friend and boyfriend for 9years and we got engaged in July. I should be so so happy, instead I am trying to figure out how I have managed to decided to live my life with an alcoholic. My fiancé drinks every day without fail and cannot go out without drinking himself into a stupor...unable to move, speak etc. He say he will come home after work but I can tell on the phone that this means at 1am when he has finished drinking. Some days I cry myself to sleep, others I am like a robot. Last night we had thanksgiving dinner at someone's house and I had to pick him up and take him there as he was too drunk before 6pm. Today, he has not apologised to me, or come home. He is out drinking again. I am sick at home. I am starting to resent our friends because they all know he drinks too much but seem to enjoy it and stay out with him. I am the boring nag who stays in because I cannot handle seeing him like this anymore.I am seeing a counsellor for my anxiety. I am only 28. His family don't know about his drinking, no one can help me and I feel I am stuck onmy
own forever. He has hurt me twice when hungover. My counsellor said I have a choice - to stay and be unhappy, or leave and be brokenhearted and unhappy. Any advice from anyone living with an alcoholic? He goes to work every day hungover, doesn't get told off. There are no co sequences for his actions. He drinks and drives all the time. I want to tell his family so that I don't feel bad about calling off the wedding. No one can help him. He doesn't care. I can't believe this is my fairytale....I have been waiting to be engaged for 10years to this person. Now it feels lie a prison sentence....and I feel so guilty saying that..but where is he now when I have been off work all day sick....at the pub. I am so sad..and tired. Sorry to ramble on. It feels good to speak to people who understand what this is like.

ru12

I'm so sorry. Don't marry him like this. It won't get better unless he quits and it doesn't seem he want to at this time.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Tired

You find a lot of people here who understand.

Honestly I think your counsellors being a little negative - I've known a lot of people who got out of relationships like this, really blossomed and found the happiness they deserved.

I recommend you check out our Family and Friends forums too:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

KAD

Welcome, and I am so sorry for what you're dealing with. I also tend to think your counselor is not really being all that helpful. You might be unhappy for a while after spending all these years with your fiance, but I think you would be monumentally unhappy for as long as you're with him if you go through with this marriage. If he suddenly recognizes what he's been putting you through and sincerely seeks help, that's a hopeful sign, but it sounds like he's just continuing to do what he's always done because he keeps getting away with it. And he's learned that you keep putting up with it.

You are young. I would urge you not to devote your life to this kind of misery. He may be a great guy sober, but from what I'm hearing, his drinking habit kinda reverses that. Your post makes me very sad. You don't need to live like this. I can't believe you have for this long. My ex gave me 3 chances over a 3 year period and that was all I got. She's an ex because I blew it one time too many.

Anna

I agree with the comments about your counsellor. Of course you would be unhappy if you broke up with him, but you would and could move on with your life and find happiness. Try to not focus on what the friends and family around you believe or know. It's really hard for others to understand alcoholism and it sounds to me like you need all your energy focused on yourself to get out of this situation.

Tired84

Thank you for your replies. It feels so good to talk. My friends seem to think it's some kind of ongoing joke and I have no one to talk to or cry to. I talk about it sometimes but without much feeling, when all I really want to do is scream and sob. I cry in the car slot when no one is there. I have one friend who really does not want me to go through with it...my chief bridesmaid! I want to talk to her, but I know she will simply tell me to leave and I cant seem to do it. So then i feel bad worrying her for nothing. In all honesty, that
was my interpretation of what my counsellor said, she said I could stay and be unhappy, or leave....I can't imagine being happy if I leave. I would be broken hearted. I threaten
to leave quite often, it does nothing. Sometimes I think he doesn't care, and other times I think he just knows I won't leave. I am terrified of leaving. I have actually said it
today...and got no response. He just didn't come home.
I hardly ever see him sober and when I do I have to beg for his company and sobriety. I am just stuck. How do I leave someone I love because they are ill. Sorry. I am rambling again! Thank you for your help x

solstice3

Sorry for your current life situation. Know this though, there is no way it will get better with him drinking like that. Period. And this is not the worst it can get. Or will.

I have an acquaintance who was like this, and he got married and had a pretty good life for a while, made good money, she didn't have to work, etc. It eventually caught up with him and he lost his job. Went to round the clock drinking. Lost his home and then his wife. Moved back to the state where his family was, lost his new job and his new apt. Lived with his brother, his brother got married and too many drunken incidents ticked off the new wife and this guy is actually living in a tent in the backyard and peeing in a jar. They let him come in for a shower and bathroom needs other than peeing. He borrows or works an odd job here and there and drinks to utter oblivion every day/night. He only eats food sold at a convenience store cause he can walk to it. License gone for life. Teeth knocked out in a fight and/or pulled. Gets enough
$ for beer, cell phone card and a hotdog and that is good enough for him. Has no aspiration for anything else in life.

He does not have any desire to quit drinking and the last time I saw him he was very skinny and pale so I wonder how much longer he has - he is in his 40's.

I hope your fiancee can see the light. You have to decide what is best for you. I just wanted to give the gory details of can what happen when it gets worse, and there is even further to go than that.

Please take care of yourself. Just staying with him will not make him get better.

Xune

What you just wrote is but one of the negative things I made my wife feel when I was using.

I just had to highlight it, as I can well imagine that what you're feeling is very common when living with an addict. My wife actually quoted that exact sentence to me once I put the bottle down.

I can tell you that had I kept using, my wife would not have suddenly found happiness, self worth, self esteem or any other positive emotion that a person is supposed to feel with their partner.

I put drink before everything and without question, my alcohol always came first.

Our marriage was absolutely doomed for failure had I not only stopped drinking, but revolutionized my entire way of living.

You threaten to leave him and then you stay. Why would he take you seriously?

I wish you well.

Pondlady

You mentioned he's hurt you twice when hungover. Domestic violence escalates....especially if the behaviors that trigger it continue. Please continue counseling and choose a new path for yourself.

missingtheoldme

My heart aches for you. I know where you are. You must leave and take care of you. I was terrified to leave too. What life would I have? What would people say? How will I go on? What do I do next? I thought all those things. My ex husband was and still is an alcoholic. A severe one. I hated so many things about my life. I married him and I knew it was wrong for me. I was with him for 19 years and yes the abuse got worse. A couple of times to a couple of more times to a couple of broken noses and more. I finally left...and while I was with him I started to drink...to numb the pain. It also helped because when you are drinking you dont have to feel the embarrassment or see how awful it is. At least that is what I thought. After I left I drank more and more....I wasted a huge part of my life and have so many issues with self esteem that I continued to numb myself. I am not saying that you are going to become an alcoholic but I just know how you feel. I cant stress enough to you that you deserve better. If I knew then what I know now I would have left much sooner. I left 6 years and a half years ago and 2 kids later. I am trying to fix me now because of the life I chose with him. It may not seem like you can have a new and great life with someone else but you can. I do and it feels wonderful to be with someone who I never have to worry about and who I know will never hurt me or embarrass me. I am now 54 days sober and had I made the right choice years ago I would not have dealt with such heartache and self destruction. You can do this...one day at a time. I left and dealt with that one day at a time...and now I deal with not drinking one day at a time. I am almost 42 and what I would do to go back to when I was 28 and walk. Just walk and imagine the feeling of laying your head down at night and feeling peace. Imagine going to social functions and relaxing and having a good time. All of that is possible. We have one life make it your best life. I am routing for you to have the strength to leave and not waste one more minute living in this. I will be thinking of you. Happy you are here. This is a wonderful place.

YVRguy

Hi Tired84

Well being an alcoholic and having created havoc in all sorts of peoples lives my soon to be ex wife's , my kids , my own the wake up call for me was her and the kids leaving. And that's it , the alcoholic or addict has to get serious , tear away their denial of the problem and face some pretty tough stuff , get help and support and be aware of the true danger they are in for their life ... alcoholism is deadly and unless its treated will often get worse. There is no cure there is treatment and lots of programs.

I tried lots of times over the years to get sober but fell back to complacency as I went back to my old thinking and behaviours and boom , drinking again for how long??? Who knew , why???? God I didn't even know why.....

I kept losing and I knew I was creating huge problems and that made me more down so I drank more....insanity and a few times I went insane and wow , created all sorts of crazy crap for other people.

My wife seems she was co-dependent and as much as I could not stay in a program of treatment or recovery , she would not step foot into a support group. I'd imagine she would have gone long before she did and saved herself a few years of the agony of not knowing who is here today , Jekyl or Hyde if she had. Nothing can be changed now on the past.

Let him know firmly its time for him to get help and leave. Its difficult to be apart from people we love but sometimes its necessary to break through the sickness an alcoholic suffers.

If he can get help and get working toward sobriety and recovery he will probably thank you for the rest of his life no matter what way the relationship goes. If he gets help he may be restored to a person who you can consider a life with based on continued treatment for the condition as alcoholism has no cure but can be treated.

Just my $0.02 and I am grateful to my wife for allowing me to get working on true sobriety and recovery from her departure.

artsoul

Welcome, Tired -

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you visit the Friends/Family section... so many others there are going through the same thing.

The problem is he doesn't want to get better right now, so there's no way for you to help him do that. Accepting his behavior just perpetuates the problem - in his eyes it just means he can do whatever he wants.

The more tragic thing is that you're hurting yourself. You've been sick all day and he's out drinking, you rarely see him sober, and he doesn't even bother to answer you when you talk about leaving. No one should have to settle for that. I hope you get a ton of support for yourself and come to believe you can get through this and build something better.

Tired84

Thank you everyone. I have woke up to read these lovely replies of support and I am going to have a lovely day babysitting 4 wonderful children that I teach. He is asleep and will have a v bad hangover when he gets up but I will not be here. I will look at the friends and family section. Thanks again. You are all very strong and inspirational people and I am so glad you are here! X

jstar

thank you for your thread Tired! what a hard situation you are in, but as others said above, you don't have to continue to live like this!

after reading all the replies, I reflect lovingly on my husband, who told me the truth and urged me to get help and get into recovery. he did however tell me after my last relapse that landed me in the hospital, that this was the last time. he said he doesn't have it in him to go another round with my drinking as it affects him greatly and our 4 kids. he has been extremely supportive but I understand that a line had to be drawn and I am striving more diligently than ever for my sobriety.

some if us need a wake up call and/or someone to tell us the honest truth, for us to believe it.

I hope you find some peace and rest for yourself. this is a long road, the path to recovery & in my experience, I didn't actually try to get/stay sober until I was ready.