Nikkipoo

I have slipped back into my old habits! How did I let this happen knowing what alcohol does to me?

I was sober for 6 months and everyone was so proud of me. Then in a moment of weakness when no one was looking on a personal trip, I succombed to the free wine offered at the hotel bar. Slowly, but surely over the last year, I am right back were I started, and hiding it all of it. After sneaking around my husband and my son figured it out last night at our Thanksgiving dinner.

Is it gonna be harder to get sober this time?

Maylie

Only you can control if it will be harder to get sober this time around.

You can take what you learned in those 6 months that you had sober and incorporate it into a new plan for recovery. You should also look at what caused you to go back to drinking and try to avoid those situations.

Pretty much all of us have been in your shoes, and it all comes down to if you are going to pick your chin up and get into action. you can do this!

Do you have a support system? Sober friends?

Xune

I am so glad to hear you want to stop drinking.

What is your plan to remain sober and do you have any support systems in place?

Have you told your Doctor yet?

jujube28

I'm new here and your story resonates with me. I was also sober for six months before slipping back into my old ways. Is it going to be harder this time around? I don't know. What I try to do is remind myself that those six months are still there, they're not lost.

Nikkipoo

Thanks. I have family that supports me but they just realized I have been lying to them.
I havent told my doctor yet. That's at the top of my list.
The last time I got sober, I did it with the help of medications.

Nikkipoo

Thanks Maylie!
I do have a support system.

Maylie

I'm happy to hear that support systems make a world of difference.

Hopefully your doctor can see you soon and you two can work together
to make this as smooth a process as it can be.

wpainterw

Nikkipoo: Sorry to hear that you got "busted"! It's an old old game we alcoholics play. I remember hiding a bottle under my living room chair. My wife spotted it because there was just a bit peeking out from under the chair cover. So it was like a game of cat and mouse going on. But all the time there was a real cat, or perhaps a tiger, looking over my shoulder from behind (like that story of the tiger hunter who didn't realize that the tiger was stalking him!). And that tiger was alcohol and the problem was that whereas I thought I was only hiding from my wife (whom I was using as a control and as an enabler) I was in reality hiding from myself, in deep denial because of my addiction. And the primitive part of my brain was "hell bent" (a suggestive phrase) to keep the alcohol supply flowing because alcohol had taken over my metabolism and changed my physiology. As Eliza Doolittle said in that musical "My Fair Lady" when speaking of her mother: "Gin was mother's milk to her....!" That's the way it is. The alcohol takes over, changes the chemistry and physiology and the primitive part of the brain then insures that the booze keeps flowing. And the great game begins. I thought that I was hiding from my wife but in reality I was hiding from myself and there was a tiger looking at me from behind.

W.

Xune

I hid empty 40 oz bottles of vodka behind the freezer. My wife found them. Honestly, if I didn,t want her to find them, I would have taken them immediately out of the house.

The empty bottles, I was hiding from myself how much I was drinking. If I couldn't see three empty 40's that I guzzled in who knows how many days, I didn't have to think about it.

I was really sick.

Nikkipoo

I understand the self denial. I was hiding empty bottles in my closet and taking them out and dumping them in trash cans all over town just so my husband wouldnt discover them. I was even driving 30 miles out of the way to buy my wine so I wouldnt run into anyone who knew I wasnt supposed to be drinking. How creepy is that! I'm a hypocrite in addition to being an alcoholic!

wpainterw

Oh yes! I know all about those trashcans all over town! Quite a game that is! A deadly game.

W.

Fernaceman

Quite erratic, isn't it? A person who is unaware or doesn't have a drinking problem wouldn't be doing such things...I too have done these exact things.

And regarding self-denial. In AA it's called the persistent illusion:

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different than his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

Alcoholics Anonymous - Chapter 3; More about Alcoholism - P. 30

You might have already answered this Nikki, but do you attend AA? Or are your working some sort of recovery program?

I personally use AA. I have tried other recovery programs, but find the structure of AA critical to my sobriety.

Hope that helped and you can relate to that passage.

God Bless

Magnificent7

I'm pretty messed up too, use to drink Bailey's Irish Cream in an opaque plastic cube. My wife would think it was water as I was using ice cubes to chill it. I would have the audacity to drink it 5 feet away from her. She wouldn't know the difference as the beer and wine smell was nowhere to be find. We are a sinister bunch, but you can get sober. Others have and we will.

Anna

The denial that we go through is really frightening and bizarre. I think that's why honesty is so important in recovery.

Rose2012

I was doing that too, driving to different towns every day so that the clerks at the store wouldn't think I was an alcoholic. I am busted as well, I was sober just 3 months and back to day 1 today. I'm afraid to be honest. I hope it's not harder for you, but you seem to have support, so I think that's really good for you.

Nikkipoo

I was only honest after my husband guessed what was going on. He thought I was taking meds that were making me loopy in the afternoon (or least that is what he said to open the conversation). I admitted to him that I had been drinking....he still doesnt realize how long I have been secretly drinking in my closet!
I know I am going to have to tell him the whole truth; I am just not there yet, not today anyway. He is supportive, but he really doesn't understand. To him it's like dieting. You chose not to eat certain things. Period. End of story. I could see such disappointment/disgust on his face today.
I want to see my doctor first. I called this morning but they are not in until Monday because of the holiday.

Rose2012

At least you are being honest with yourself now, you should be proud of that. Do you think it's necessary to give him all the details? Not that I'm condoning lying or being deceptive, but just asking.

That look of disappointment/disgust...I was seeing that in my own mirror every day for the last 3 weeks. I look forward to seeing more pride and compassion now when I look at myself.

Delilah1

Welcome back! Sounds like you are already taking all of the right steps. Wine was my vice as well. It is amazing how easily one glass became one bottle and then one very large bottle. You have a lot of sober time in your past, think about what you were doing then that helped.

I have avoided functions with free wine recently, and since today is only day 43 for me I will continue to do this for a while!

Nikkipoo

Thanks Rose. Well, I have been deceiving him and the rest of my family for over a year now, after being sober 6 months. I felt really great about that accomplishment too. I was sleeping well, losing a little weight, feeling good, not questioning myself if anyone "noticed" or not.
I dont know if telling all is necessary for everyone or not. I think I need to be honest. I have been drinking a year now; he thinks it's only been a month or so. With that much time since my sobriety, the recovery may be more difficult as a result. My husband may think it is not as big a deal as it is if I dont tell him the truth.

Rose2012

For me that would be a tough decision, I mean, then he knows I was able to so easily deceive him that long...more trust issues and he would feel bad too...but I understand that you need to be honest with him. I wish you luck with all this...hiding it for that long, you must have been quite scared it would all come crashing down any moment. Be strong! Be my role model! Lol...how's that for me being needy?