needhope

I just typed a long post and it disappeared.

Rather than retyping it all, I'll just ask a few questions if you all don't mind:

1. What are the symptoms of abuse?
2. How and when do they wake up and see it's a problem?
3. What can I do to help?

My husband is angry when he's not had a drink for longer than 2 days. He also has a pot addiction. He has night sweats after 3 days of no alcohol (jim beam). He can't drink just 1 or 2 shots, he can go through a bottle in just a few hours. He gets anxious if he doesn't have the money for alcohol (takes it from my purse, uses grocery money, goes through the change around the house). He says I cause him to drink. He thinks pots not addictive. He suffer memory loss. If I try to talk to him about it WWIII breaks out.

He drinks and smokes around, but not in front of, his 3 yr old son and my 10 yr old nephew (telling my nephew not to tell me). He won't quit pot even for the custody battle over his son. He says he's worked hard and deserves a drink. That alcohol helps him live with me (we've been together less than a year, he's been drinking since he was a teenager - he's 34 now). He calls me a nag and judgemental.

He'd rather I left than he quit drinking. I love him, I want to help him but I don't know what to do! He's so mean and cruel and he's really killing my self-esteem. He can't take criticism unless he's dishing it out and that's ALL the time. This isn't what I signed up for, I had no idea he had these problems. It's killing our relationship - I can't find him attractive when he's drunk and sloppy and clumpsy and smoothering.

His family and friends see it's a problem but they won't talk to him about it, just complain to me about it. An intervention isn't possible - they are afraid of upsetting him. I just want to do what's best for him and our family.

There are so many issues, stories, but I can't type them all in again. I need help. I don't know what to do.

Moontime

Im Moontime and I'm an addict, Alcohol is just one of my drugs of choice. I believe you are married to an addict. All the situations you listed are prime examples of abuse, that his life is unmanageable and he 's powerless over his two drugs. I don't think he will see it's a problem unless he hits a "bottom", if you don't stand up for yourself, he'll keep drinking. If he would rather be with his drugs then you, then there isn't much you can do if you want him to stop.

Gabe

Hey needhope,
Welcome, I'm glad you joined us.
In my opinion, there is no question that your husband has drug and alcohol addicitions.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him see that, or to fix his problems. He has to do that himself.
The good news is, there is hope and help for you.
Have you thought about attending Alanon or Naranon meetings? They are full of people who understand and have been through similar things that you are going through.
Also, there are Naranon and Alanon boards here at Sober Recovery. At the top of each of those boards are power posts which are full of helpful information.
You have landed in a good place, stick around.
Peace,
Gabe

bikewench

Hi Needhope...

I hail from the addict side of the problem.. but I also have addicts in my life... so I can relate to both sides...

If I was behaving in the manner your guy was... I'd say I was an alcoholic pothead...

The thing is.... the addict won't change his ways until he/she is ready to.... and there is ALOT of collateral damage being around an addict.

Alanon has some amazing tools and support for those who have an alcoholic in their lives... and it could help you sort out what YOU need to do to make your life better.

Alanon forum

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=24

Naranon forum

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=23

I hope you check it out... even just so that you know there are solutions to your problem.

needhope

Thank you all so much. I really want to find out about Alanon but I'm scared. If he found out all hell would break loose. I'd never be able to sneak to a meeting without him knowing where I am - otherwise he'd think I was running around or something (the paranoid side of the alcohol and pot I guess because I'd never do that). I joined a support group for grieving parents (I lost my son 4 yrs ago) before we met and I can't go to those meetings anymore because he puts me down so badly and feels so guilty about it that he projects that onto me. I just don't want to do anything to make it worse. I'm afraid to post here much because he spies on my computer. But I will try, I really need the info and support.

I will read the sites you all suggested. Thank you so much. I was really beginning to believe him, that it's all me. I guess I really needed to hear that wasn't so and just the addiction talking. Thank you.

Dan

You take care of you and yours here, first and foremost. He needs big help, but until he wants it, nothing you can do. Be careful. I wish you luck.

Dan, recovering addict.

needhope

How low is rock bottom? I don't want to see him get destroyed or destroy others. I know his custody of his son is at risk, but he says I'm just being dramatic. His job is at risk but he says no one will find out (though he smokes pot with the boss' son) and that I'm just trying to stir up trouble. We rent a house owned by the city - they would kick us out in a heartbeat. He does a lot of work for the local police department and they won't even write him a parking ticket, plus one of his best friends is the chief of police (who doesn't know he smokes) and he's gotten so brazen as to smoke in the same house as him. He thinks he's above the law, that nothing can touch him.

I don't want his son to see him hit rock bottom. And I don't want to hit rock bottom with him. I've got a lot of work to do to figure out how to protect myself and his son. Friday his son (3 yrs old) asked me what the word sober meant. I told him it was a grown up word. He asked me if Daddy was sober and I had to lie to him and tell him yes. I know what it's like to grow up the child of a (recovering) alcoholic, I don't want my step-son's childhood ruined because of his father's addictions. You'd think I'd recognize it growing up with it - but I blocked a lot out. My mother narrowed in on it right away though and I hate that she's now worried about me.

I just want to help him and not make it worse. I just keep praying God will intervene and do what I can't. I love him and it's killing me to watch him do this to himself and to us.

Moontime

Everybody's bottom is different. But, I can tell you at this rate, he isn't going to wake up one day and say "Im finished with drinking/smoking" without any help. This is just my experience as I can relate to your husband, I was him.

Dan

The short answer to your post is: He is in deep denial. Until that changes, no recovery is possible. Do seek answers In the Al-Anon board.

DD

needhope

Thanks Moontime,

Is there a forum of stories here about how people woke up and what triggered them? I'd just like to be prepared for how bad this is gonna get.

Dan

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=27376

DD

Jeff_C

What you want, or don’t want in regard to “his� addiction means nothing in terms of outcomes. And while that is a biit blunt, and no one wants to hear it, the fact is the only thing his addiction wants is “more�, and will continue to do everything in it’s power to do so, including sounding reasonable, apologetic, hopeful, remorseful, promising, or any other damn thing, just to get to the next one.

The moment our actions fail to suit our words, you can bet it’s our addiction that’s in control. The suggestion of Alanon was made, and it’s a good one. For him AA or actually any program of abstinence, but then until he’s “ready� and cooperative, even those will do no good. In the meantime, treating yourself and refusing to engage in “enabling behaviors� is a start.
Jeff