seekingchange

I am ruining my life. I don't drink every day, but when I do, I drink way too much, find myself acting in ways Inever thought possible... the guilt is too much to handle so I drink more the next day after a binge. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to admit to being an alcoholic. I don't want to be an alcoholic. I want to be able to drink like a normal person. I drank last night, can't remember much, came to work unshowered and smelling like booze... I feel like the scum of the Earth. Based on my behavior, I AM the scum of the Earth.

nogard

Hello seekingchange and welcome to SR

Not the scum of the earth just people who can't use any mind or mood altering substances.

I am glad you found us, pleanty of love and support here and room to heal.

Do you have a plan?

Kevin

Mulch

I think many of us have felt the same way, and many times. (I recently got a DUI - the shame I felt was almost unbearable.) But there is not one person who hasn't made a good sized mistake, or several.

I find it helps to get past the guilt by remembering that it's done and I can't change that fact, and reminding myself that "I care" (otherwise it all wouldn't matter). And most of all, I definitely have the power to find a way to take control of my actions from today forward and start to build the life I want, and get back to the "real me".

Think about what you want and make a plan, and take a step in that direction. If it doesn't work the way you want, try again. Keep trying. And ask for help where you can. I was amazed at the support I received. I thought either everyone would hate me, or they'd just not care. I was so wrong.

Hang in there.

eveval

Hi seekingchange. I have had many issues with not wanting to label myself an alcoholic. It's hard and it feels like it comes with a lot of stigma. I am amazed at the responses I have gotten from people. Most are incredibly supportive.

I was told I needed to stop drinking in August, and spent six weeks sober, but the entire time refused to believe I was an alcoholic. All of my bad habits started up again until it became unbearable earlier this week. I am only two days sober and honestly it doesn't feel that great yet. But admitting to myself that I am an alcoholic has made me much more comfortable with my decision to no longer drink.

Also, these forums and the people here are great. I have only been lurking around for the past two days and the love and support is tremendous.

Sasha4

Why not just admit that drinking makes you unhappy and sad?

Thats all you need to admit to at the moment.

You could spend the next 25 years arguing that you are/are not/might be/might not be an alcoholic all the while continuing to drink and continuing to be unhappy and sad.

Dominica2

Hi Seeking. I know how you feel. It's like a cycle of depression that only you can decide to change. Have you made the commitment to quit drinking? No-one wants to be an alcoholic. It is a lonely, sad and sickening way to live. I also used to say that exact same thing, that I wanted to be able to drink like everyone else, tried a couple times, needless to say I was only proving to myself that it just wasn't going to happen. There is no reason to live depressed and loathing yourself. Just remember, you can heal. Get as much support as you can (SR is wonderful). Best wishes to you.

Windancer

You ARE NOT the scum of the earth. I have been through that cycle of guilt....it kept me drinking for a looooong time and it damn near ruined my life. You CAN change it, and the guilt does fade and fade and fade and disappear. Believe you can do it, make a plan for change, and follow through.

Thepatman

Welcome to SR. Sometimes the time has come so say it's time.

Life is short, why not enjoy it? You can totally do this and break the cycle.

serious

seekingchange, i've felt like that many times. i really thought i could be in control and if i didn't drink too much or too often, or if i went to the gym or didn't have a hangover then i'm fine... well, eventually it became too much over and over again.

the only way to find out what's it like to be sober is to give it a real break. if you think that drinking like a "normal" person is something you want to have in your life, you might be surprised how that perspective changes when you stay sober for 3 months or more.

you are looking to change that's all. you don't have to be an alcoholic, but you have to admit that you have a problem. and being here is the right thing to do...
learn about AVRT a little and i guess the only thing you haven't tried so far is going completely sober... and for good. maybe that's the change you are looking for.

Dee74

Hi SeekingChange

I really like your user name - I think that's the key to all this really - seeking change.
Change will get us out of the situation we're in...it will help us heal and it will consign the guilt to the past, where it belongs

None of us are scum - we just need to make some changes, and rediscover the people we know we really are

what are you prepared to do to start the ball rolling?

D

artsoul

Welcome seekingchange -

I took me some time sober before I realized just how much alcohol affected my life. I don't think I was ever really able to drink socially (have one or two and actually be satisfied and not want any more).

What people don't realize is that most alcoholics aren't living on the streets - that's a really small percentage. There are phases of alcoholism - it progresses over time, and because of education/treatment, people are catching it and getting help much sooner. It's not a weakness of character either - it's the way we're "wired."

The labels don't really matter anyway.... a problem is a problem. Glad you found us - it helps to know others understand and have been through the same things.

Anna

Seekingchange, I don't think any of us want to be alcoholics, but it's the first step in healing. If you don't believe it, if you don't own it, it will be easy for the disease to sneak in through the cracks.

And, boy do I remember the downward spiral of feeling so miserably guilty that I just had to have a drink to get through the moment. You can step out of the spiral though and begin to recover.

IWillWin

Personally, I identify with the label of alcoholic because it is the word society and linguistics have chosen to describe people who have a problem with alcohol. However, if that term was "best person on Earth" I'd identify with that too.

Forget about the "stigma" of the label and just be honest with yourself. You can call it whatever you want, there are no rules, just make a plan and stop drinking. Then use the plan to stay stopped and make it your #1 priority above all else.

It does feel strange to have a "label"...but I suppose lepers and charlatans and saints and sinners and celebrities and vagabonds all feel the same way. It doesn't have to define you. YOU define you.

As always, just my humble and personal opinion

Delilah1

Hi SeekingChange,

Welcome to SR! I spent a great deal of time thinking about my drinking, attempting to cut down, feeling guilty, taking online quizzes...

I finally had enough and made an appointment with the chemical dependency unit through my insurance. I answered the questions about my drinking honestly, and met with a counselor. I didn't like the label, but I know I am an alcoholic. Normal drinkers could not possibly spend the amount of time I did obsessing about drinking, labels,mint drinking...

However, I am now just considering myself in recovery, in the grand scheme of life we are all recovering from something.

Stick around on SR, the people here are incredible!!!!

KAD

Hi and welcome, seekingchange. Someone once told me that constant feelings of guilt and shame are precursors to drinking again. When we're drinking, all that flies out the window. We feel cocky, arrogant, and daring. It's like a split personality. But it's also a preferable feeling to guilt and shame, until we sober up again and see all the new things we've done to feel guilty and ashamed of.

If I called you scum I'd have to call myself scum, and I ain't scum! It's like someone else said, we're just not able to drink. Period. You have to learn to let yourself off the hook for things you've done that can't be undone. All you have is now. You've come to a good place to get started in the right direction.

Threshold

On the subject of "drinking like a normal person"

there are lots of normal people who don't drink.

I feel WAY more normal now that I don't drink.

WAY more like a normal person, doing normal things.

I have never ever ever ever once felt guilty for not drinking.