BadCompany

What you have below is just fine.

choublak

I think this is something people used to say, back when AA was first formed. Now that more is known about alcoholism, people who have it know what to look for so they don't necessarily have to hit bottom; if you think/know you have a problem and wait to hit bottom you might die anyway.

IWillWin

I resented not being a normal drinker for a while. I tried to force it countless times and found, SURPRISE, it is progressive and does get worse.

Now I go to AA and listen. I take what I need and move on down my sober road.

This may be an unpopular opinion but a tiny part of me resents the people who CAN drink, not that I can't. Who do they think they are anyway?!? Just because I got the shaft in the genetic lottery doesn't make it any easier not to resent those who won. I know, I should be more magnanimous about it but it is true for me. I get over it though. After my internal hissy fit, of course.

LaceUp

Junebug if you don't like AA try something else
Or maybe a different meeting
Lots of alcoholics get well without AA
But I think you need to re-read your post. You list all these things you haven't done but then you say you have liver disease? That means your drinking days are over. Your liver won't get better if you keep drinking.
Please take care of yourself, it's not easy but you can do it.

Junebugapril

LaceUp, everything you say is all true. But I know the truth, don't I? It's just the degree of denial I am in.

My meeting aversion is partly due to that I was not a problem drinker yet in the early 1990s. My ex-fiance told me he was an alcoholic in recovery when I met him. He told me that his sponsor told him not to get into a relationship this early in his sobriety, but we fell in love.

This sweet, charming man, this professional with a great career pulled the wool over my eyes. I never knew for sure if he was using or not. He said he was not drinking, and I believed him.

We bought a beautiful new house in the suburbs. My kids were happy.

I never knew he was still drinking and using drugs. He went on binges and disappeared with my car. He crashed my car. I lied to my insurance company and said I was driving it so he would not get another DUI. I lied to his boss when he called to ask where my ex was, and I said I did not know. I finally did stop lying for him and started taking care of myself, but it was a humiliating period of my life.

The last straw was day we picked up my son from boarding school and my ex said we had to drive into this horrible neighborhood to pick something up because they had a gun and they were going to shoot us. He said this in front of my son. We went into that bad neighborhood, and my son was scared to come home again after that. So he didn't.

I have memories of paying taxis in the driveway in the middle of the night huge amounts of money. Jail. Hospitals. You get the picture.

I did discover Al-Anon in that period, and it was very helpful for me to realize that the only control I had was over myself.

AA meetings make me think of all the times my ex-fiance said "I have ___ days sober". Or "I have ___ weeks sober". And he was lying. He got kicked out of day program rehab for drinking. His sponsor was fed up with him because he lied so well. He must have believed his own lies. He was very convincing. Don't forget, he was a charismatic, really funny guy with a great personality. He supposedly never drank at home. But he would come home at midnight and wake up my six year old daughter to insist on reading her a story. She is now in her twenties, and still has mental scars from that period in her life.

I feel guilty for ignoring the signs that he was using again. I feel guilty that I was so happy to have found a man that was so wonderful, and took such great care of me and my kids, that I ignored the times I didn't know where he was for days, and finally thought of looking in the basement, and found him passed out on the floor.

I do not really understand how my ex could still go to meetings and drink afterwards, or go on benders, every time.

In addition, my ex recently friended me on Facebook. That's partly what stirred me into action of coming here to Sober Recovery. So I thank him for that. I unfriended him because of all the bad memories it brought up after years of pushing those bad memories down of losing him, our house, and having no place to go. I had to have my daughter stay with friends, I could not take care of her. My son pretty much disappeared and when he had to come home from school, he stayed with my sister. My son idolized my ex, so this was devastating for him. I went into such a severe depression that I had to go into a day program.

This is partly why AA scares me.

I have been two two AA meetings. I did not like them, but I will go to more. I have had five days without drinking.

lilyrosemary

It says somewhere in the big book that we will become repulsed when we think of alcohol. If I would have read that three years ago I would have NEVER EVER believed it. Well after working the steps and being substance free for almost three years I can say that is how I feel and it's nothing short of a miracle. I had no real major pitfalls from drinking either. I just wanted to optimize my life. Best wishes to you.

Junebugapril

Lily, that was really helpful to hear. I hope I can get to the point where alcohol repulses me. That might be a good suggestion to plant in my head. Wine = Repulsive
I am also glad to hear that you, like me, had no major pitfalls in your life and could still stop drinking.

Fandy

Many people dont have the big pitfall, dramatic terrible event. I didnt.
you simply realize that alcohol is not enhancing or helping anything in your life. It just makes you feel craptastic. It makes me ill to drink. It robs me of restful sleep.
if i had known it was contributing to my terrible insomnia i would have quit much sooner.

Survivorest

Only you can make that decision. I have been addicted to many substances including alcohol for the past 2.5 years. I always felt like no I didn't hit rock bottom so I don't really need or think these meetings will take me seriously. I personally am spiritual and I pray aand believe in a higher power willl help me but I am still considering doing AA or other program for the support. I am reading a book called " Coming Clean: Getting over addiction without treatment", and its about 40 addicts who were addicted to substances and came clean without a 12-step program of some sought. I would say get all the help you can. Stop asking questions or making excuses and answer the question that matters? DO you like drinking everyday? Do you like feeling like an addict or feeling like any substance has control over you? It will only get worse believe me, first its a drink everyday then you're waking up to a drink and drinking to just get past your day. YOU CAN DO IT WHEATHER YOU DID IT WITH INPATIENT HELP OR WITH A HIGHER POWER JUST DO IT! YOU CAN DO IT! I KNOW I'VE ONLY BEEN SOBER FOR 2 DAYS BUT YOU HAVE A ENTIRE SUPPORT SYSTEM! GOOD LUCK!

onlythetruth

Are these excuses not to go to AA?

Or are these excuses not to do ANYTHING that might help you quit drinking?

AA is not the only way to quit...and many of us here including me have found it unnecessary to identify ourselves as "alcoholics".

So...what is the real issue here?

Dee74

Theres a plethora of recovery groups June - find one that makes sense to you

Here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit our Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach

D

MycoolFitz

I was in a men's support group we sat in a circle and talked most of the guys were there by the order of their companies for failing drug tests a number were like construction workers and they all carried super glue so if they gashed themselves they could glue themselves together. There was one court ordered guy there for anger management and pulling a gun on people. I tried not to sit next to him. Another court ordered Guy who was a Hells Angel who wanted to clean up his act and get a job. I helped him get clothes and we practiced interview skills. Quite a world.

MythOfSisyphus

You're not rambling at all! You make a lot of sense.

First off, don't buy into the notion that you have to reach someone elses' notion or rock bottom. Don't go there! You can break the cycle before you lose any more.

The resentment of not being able to drink kept me drunk for at least 10 years after I knew I had a problem. Looking back now that feels silly. Drinking was killing me. Wishing I could still do it like being pissed that I can't have a spooful of hemlock in my tea every day! It's like being paroled from prison and resenting not being able to walk back in whenever you like!

That's what alcohol was for me, a prison. It kept me under house arrest, not free to go out because I had to stay home and fix. Not spend time with my girlfriend because I couldn't go a night without a drink. It really takes everything away from you. Booze is a very jealous lover! It can't abide competition from anything else. That's why it drives everything else out of your life.

I'm sorry that you have liver disease but it does give you very powerful incentive to stay sober! I tell myself that if I drink again I will die, which eventually I would. In your case it might be literally true in short order! So do what you need to stay sober. Maybe that's AA, maybe it's something else. I'm an atheist and I've never been to AA, but I promised myself that if AVRT wasn't enough, I'd try AA. I will use any and every weapon if needs be in my war against alcohol.

Best of luck to you! You know you can beat this, it just helps to be reminded sometimes. It's easy to forget how strong you really are.

Fernaceman

LOL Fitz. I probably would have had the same reaction...I am still chuckling reading this, though.

To the OP, I hope you continue to go to meetings, or at least view some other forms and approaches to recovery. Life can be so much better. I know you have gone through a lot. But as you know from experience, continuing the madness will only make things worse, NEVER better.

God Bless.

Fernaceman

Very strong message. Thank you for the words of wisdom. Very well said!

Junebugapril

I took the Big Book to bed with me, and read the chapter on finding a higher power. I am realizing the importance of giving this up to a power bigger than myself.

There is a even a higher power in a group of us than in me alone. I am not strong. We as a group are powerful. I am getting pretty convinced that I need to find a home meeting and a sponsor.

Thank you all for helping to open my eyes.