Nellie3618

I'm trying to find a good place to go that isn't necessarily religious based. Al-Anon's steps seem way too God based and though I am spiritual and I do pray, I don't think that just "handing it over to God" is going to help me in the end.

I've lived with my younger brother (three years my junior) for give or take 4 years now. He started drinking a little after we moved into our place and I figured he's young, he's on his own, he's just having a good time. However, it just got progressively worse. There have been a handful of times now where he's been to the hospital or to my parent's to "get help" and then he'll do good for a little while and go back to it. I understand recovery is hard, heck it's probably darn near impossible, but there has never - and I do mean never - been any consequences. I get no back up from my family. I tell him to leave, my parents talk me into letting him come back.

In the last few months it's gotten worse. He got so drunk he wouldn't back down until I did what he asked (called the cops on him) and they told me that because I rent I can't kick him out. So now he REALLY thinks he can get away with anything. (Thanks cops...) That night he had my mother take him to the hospital and unfortunately - I was guilty, too - he suckered my mom into not signing him in against his will to rehab. "I'll do it on my own, I can do this, I hate being like this..." *rolls eyes* I've heard this a million times... He was sober for about 10 days and then a family member really close to us died. Head first off the wagon....

I went from being up his butt wanting to know what he was doing, where he was going, what he was drinking...worse than a mother to the last six months or so where I just can't allow myself to care anymore (but I do...). I did get some tips from a counselor I've been seeing for over 2 years because of this...

Unfortunately now it's just become too painful. Depending on what he drinks you get a different mood. Whiskey, you might as well just go to bed because he's going to be on the hunt to chew you up and spit you out even if you've said nothing to him at all that day. Beer, he's a know-it-all and belittles and aggravates until I snap and then "You're unstable, you should get some help... You can't be screaming at people like that..." This was last night, by the way. Sunday I got home and he almost fell on me and then I had to finish BBQing because he proceeded to vomit all over my kitchen sink, and then fell and hurt himself (how you can feel pain 1 fifth and 6-12 beers later, I don't know) and then went to bed. Woke up in the morning and started hitting beers again before it was even light out.

He is at his worst at this point. He drinks to excess. He takes pills that the doctor perscribed him for anxiety...(really?). I have pain medicine and anxiety meds that I can't leave at home because I'm afraid he's going to eat them like candy. He has absolutely no regard for his life or anyone elses. He will call me names and degrade me until I break down and then he'll smile and go onto something else. It's like living with a demon or something.

I've given my family an ultimatum and I'm sorry to say it looks like I'm the one that's going to have to leave and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've done all I think I can (or the lack there of) and I'm fresh out of ideas. I can't live like this anymore. I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of life, but I'm telling you if "God only gives you what you can handle" he's pushing it with me...

Anything will help - even if it's just someone to talk to that can understand. It's so hard because all of my friends - they've never been through something like this so they try to help and they try to be there for me, but this is just something so foreign... I'm all ears. Thanks for your time, everyone.

(sorry for the spelling errors, I'm at work right now and can't download the spellcheck app)

MIRecovery

We can not change people places or things as your story has demonstrated. All of your worry, pain, and help did not produce the results you wanted. When I accepted I was not in control of anything but myself life became much easier. I let my higher power handle the things I could not and choose to work on me.

Nellie3618

I know I can't change anything. If he wants it he has to do it on his own. How do I help ME? I thought I was OK, I thought I had it all under control because I was doing my thing and he was existing somewhere in the background, but he knows how to get in my bubble. Should I just not even ask my family for help? Should I just do on my own? Because at this point I'm about to move into my friends' basement with my dog until I can find a place that takes dogs. I'll leave MY house with him in it if it's going to save me because if I deal with this much longer I'm going to get an ulcer at the least... *headdesk*

Thanks so much for replying.

MIRecovery

Disengage from him. You can not have a war if one side does not show up, Do what is good for you and if that requires you moving out then so be it. Alanon is a great resource. You do not believe in turning it over to God so what is the alternative?

Anna

Then, it might be a good idea to move. Take the action that will bring you the peace you need in your life.

I am not involved in AlAnon or AA, but I think your point that you couldn't just 'hand it over to god' might be slightly off. What I had to learn 11 years ago when I stopped drinking is that I could only control myself and my reactions. In that sense, I had to let a lot of stuff go, hand it over to the Universe to care for. It might help if you focused just on yourself and had faith that the Universe would care for your brother.

I hope you find some peace in your life.

Nellie3618

I think I'll try that. I do pray, I just meant I couldn't see myself basing the whole thing on it. Perhaps I'll change my mind one day. I do pray that he's watched over and that I have the strength to do what I need to do. I think you're right. I think I have to go with my gut no matter how painful it is, and do right by me (and my doggy!). What's that saying the right thing isn't always the easiest, or something like that.

Thanks for responding.

padlock

I'm new to this place and my advice should be taken with a pinch of salt. what i can tell you is that when my problems grew to a point that my family could no longer cope they pretty much abandoned me, i dont blame them but i had no contact with my sisters for over 15 years. you need to protect yourself first and formost. do whatever you need to do to keep yourself from harm. but don't give up on him though. Hugs

Nellie3618

Thanks Padlock. It would break my heart to lose contact with him. And I worry that's my "enabling" that people talk about. We've been through so much - we're almost like twins with how close we used to be and he's not himself. It's so sad to see this shell of my brother but when he gets to be so nasty and hateful... I don't know what to do. The last thing I want is to leave my own home. UGH, there should be a serious step by step idiot's guide to this kind of thing. LOL! It's nice to hear from the other side of the coin. I have no idea what it would be like to battle what he's battling. On one hand he "loves my lifestyle and will drink til I die" on the other he's "so sick of this life, I hate living like this," etc. But that is for sure one thing I've stopped doing, I can't get involved. It's not worth it because depending on his mood he'll ask you for help and then tear you down. It's so bizarre.

Nellie3618

....I'm starting to see I'm not going to be doing this alone. LOL. And God does help when I ask, I guess with my mood lately seeing the Al-Anon 12 steps just irked me, but how will I know if I don't ask, right?

Thanks again.

doggonecarl

That's exactly what you'll get in Al-Anon, fellowship with folks who are going through exactly what you are going through. And who knows, maybe the steps are too far removed from what you already believe.

Good luck.

MIRecovery

Have you ever been to a meeting?

Nellie3618

I've been having a hard time locating one near me or my work or school. I live outside of Detroit, work in Detroit, and go to college in Clinton Township. And with this schedule it's hard to get a day that isn't school or doesn't end before I get home from work. I'm going to have to call around because there has to be more meetings than just the ones I've seen.

Nellie3618

Thanks doggonecarl, I'm thinking I'm going to have to give them a shot. I'll never know until I go and see. You're right - if I want someone who understands, what better place? I'm glad I came on here today, everyone's been so helpful.

doggonecarl

Find a meeting in Michigan

MIRecovery

Probably 70% of Alanon has nothing to do with the specifics of the program just like in AA. The beauty of AA and Alanon is getting others input on your problems. Learning how others have dealt with the same issues is invaluable