RainingInMyHead

So much to say, not always sure how to say it...

I've been drinking regularly for at least five years now. It gets hard to remember. I never drank in my early 20's because I had other addictions I "enjoyed" more. Once I quit those, drinking found its way in. I went through the dissolution of a long-term relationship that was a huge catalyst for the start of my drinking. Other big factors are definitely depression and the loss of both my mother 11 years ago and my father almost a year and a half ago. I'm only 30, so all this has played a huge part in the majority of my life... it's almost like, emotionally I'm still the teenager I was when my mom died, yet I'm not. I harbor a lot of guilt about not being who I should have been because of my addictions and about not being that person for my family.

In the last three months I have stopped drinking for two weeks here, three weeks there, ten days here... but I wasn't feeling any better. All I did was cry the first few days each time, then sleep the rest of the time, unless I was working. I have a good job, I never miss work, I don't go in drunk, but I drink almost every night. I cut myself off from what tiny bit of family I have left and my closest friends when I'm both drinking and not.

I don't know how to get past all the sadness, all the pain, all the feelings I don't even know how to deal with or that I even have.

I desperately want to stop, but I don't know how. I can't have alcohol in the house or I will drink it (like right now), yet I don't usually drink on the rare occasion I go out. I just feel so lost and basically helpless, but I know I'm the only one who can change this.

No one has ever said I'm an alcoholic. I think I must be. Addiction is addiction is addiction. And if I'm addicted to "this" why am I not addicted to "that?" What is my rock bottom? Sometimes I think I've already been there, but haven't recognized it. Yet it doesn't stop me.

OneLessLonely

I used to love that song! I'm sorry for your losses. It makes sense that you still feel like that teenager. They say addiction stunts your emotional growth. It can be a difficult road but it is possible and it is worth it to get alcohol out of your life and deal with the things you need to deal with. Please keep reading and keep posting. And welcome. This place is a great support.

RainingInMyHead

It's a great song... one i haven't listened to in a long time. There's a lot of things I haven't done in a long time...

I really want to get past this, but part of what stops me is my OCD. Not to pull a cop out... but sometimes it feels like I'm waiting for the perfect time, perfect moment, perfect ME to become... perfect.

OCD, for me, is tricky like that. Everything has to FEEL right to me... and it's not just emotional, it really is physical. Plus a whole host of other things...

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR RainingInMyHead

Do you think that part of the reason you don't really drink when you're out is because you're worried about how much you'll drink? That's what I was like anyway. I did pretty much all my drinking alone.

When I quit I felt like I had to wait for the right moment too. I couldn't understand why, despite all the negative consequences, I still wanted to drink. I kept on that way for years. It got very boring. I just kept sinking. Eventually I forced myself to stop, on the basis that it was getting ridiculous. It wasn't easy but it has been really worth it. As the days and then the months passed it kept getting better and better. I couldn't have done it without the support here and learning about different recovery methods.

It sounds obvious but all you have to do is stop drinking and get whatever support you need to stay sober. It is easier said than done I know, but in my experience it didn't just happen. I kept waiting to wake up and not want to drink but it never happened.

Glad you're here x

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

RainingInMyHead

Hypochondriac:

I tend to drink at home alone because I'm usually alone anyway. I've never been one to go out much, but when I do, I attempt to limit myself because I don't like being too inebriated in public. Can't just go to sleep when you're out on the town... except that one time. Not fun. Also because I'd rather not have people really know the extent of my drinking. I don't want them to be disappointed in me or judge me. I guess those more issues to work on. Can't get better if I worry about other's opinions, but also can't get better without honesty.

RainingInMyHead

You know what's funny...

I wear a ring every day that is engraved with One Day At A Time. When I bought it, it was to serve as a reminder to myself as I stopped doing other destructive habits. I never knew it was AA's slogan.

There are no coincidences.

MycoolFitz

Welcome I drank 45 years the rain pretty much drownded me. Any time to stop is the right time, the good time.

hypochondriac

Would going to AA be an option for you? I can't think of a better place for people like us x

RainingInMyHead

I follow an eclectic mix of religious beliefs that is best described as paganism. I work in healthcare and there are various meetings that are hosted where I work: AA, Al-Anon, and NA. I would not feel comfortable attending meetings at my place of employment. I am not opposed to meetings, but I would need to find something away from my job. I'm also not sure about the religious angle of AA since I am not a Christian. I work afternoons to late/early mornings so I'd have to see about alternative times. Truth be told, I am fearful about myy attendance of meetings getting back to/affecting my job. The women I work with are gossipy and narrow-minded.

padlock

Hey Raininginmyhead.
I have no answers for you. but i can tell you that i've only been on this forum for 2 days and i already feel better about myself. Stay here and get the support you need. good luck for the future.

RainingInMyHead

Padlock, thank you. And I do feel better, even with only a day or two of posting time. Every little bit helps and I need all the help I can get. I'm grateful for any words that are offered.