Befuddled
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Befuddled
Hi all. I think I joined this site probably well over a year ago - maybe 2 years - and don't recall if I ever even posted. What a long strange trip it's been...
Today, I have been sober for one week. It has been one of the best weeks of my life in spite of the fact that a 3-year relationship just ended 3 weeks ago, because of my drinking. Prior to that, I was married 15 years. That relationship began, and continued, because I was drinking, and ended because we didn't really have anything to build a marriage on in the first place.
I decided to come back here because I need to hear from other people who are going through this. It's practically impossible to explain the insane behavior of an alcoholic to people who have never lived it. All I do is frustrate and disappoint them. I frustrate and disappoint myself, too, but I've been doing it for 25 years. Sadly, I've grown accustomed to failing myself.
That's what I want to change now. I've begun to switch my focus to God for the first time in many years, after years of being an atheist. It's not my aim to put the responsibility for quitting on him, but to seek guidance and direction, and learn to respect myself enough to make it stick this time. It isn't God's job to "make" me quit, but I do believe that through him I can build my character to the point that drinking is no longer an option.
I made the mistake of trying to quit for my ex-ladyfriend (I'm too old to say girlfriend!) but that was not enough. Six months was the longest I lasted. I realize now this has to be for me or it's never going to work.
So, that'll be enough for an introduction. If I don't shuddup for now I'll ramble on forever!
Today, I have been sober for one week. It has been one of the best weeks of my life in spite of the fact that a 3-year relationship just ended 3 weeks ago, because of my drinking. Prior to that, I was married 15 years. That relationship began, and continued, because I was drinking, and ended because we didn't really have anything to build a marriage on in the first place.
I decided to come back here because I need to hear from other people who are going through this. It's practically impossible to explain the insane behavior of an alcoholic to people who have never lived it. All I do is frustrate and disappoint them. I frustrate and disappoint myself, too, but I've been doing it for 25 years. Sadly, I've grown accustomed to failing myself.
That's what I want to change now. I've begun to switch my focus to God for the first time in many years, after years of being an atheist. It's not my aim to put the responsibility for quitting on him, but to seek guidance and direction, and learn to respect myself enough to make it stick this time. It isn't God's job to "make" me quit, but I do believe that through him I can build my character to the point that drinking is no longer an option.
I made the mistake of trying to quit for my ex-ladyfriend (I'm too old to say girlfriend!) but that was not enough. Six months was the longest I lasted. I realize now this has to be for me or it's never going to work.
So, that'll be enough for an introduction. If I don't shuddup for now I'll ramble on forever!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Hi getmeout congrats on a week sober. Your right we can only do this for ourselves and no one else no matter how much we love them.
It sound like you're on the right road. It sounds like you could use some added support so keep posting, you already have a week behind you so keep moving forward one day at a time.
It sound like you're on the right road. It sounds like you could use some added support so keep posting, you already have a week behind you so keep moving forward one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Welcome!
Given any thought to AA? The idea that God or a Higher Power of your understanding will handle our drink problem because we cant is part of the AA message. what you said made me think of that.
God relieved me of the desire to drink over 4 years ago. Its not my problem anymore provided I live and grow along spiritual lines and help others. Good stuff!
Given any thought to AA? The idea that God or a Higher Power of your understanding will handle our drink problem because we cant is part of the AA message. what you said made me think of that.
God relieved me of the desire to drink over 4 years ago. Its not my problem anymore provided I live and grow along spiritual lines and help others. Good stuff!
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Thanks everyone for your posts and for welcoming me!
As to the one question I was asked by bbthumper, I have attended AA from time to time, but have philosophical differences with much of their message. I don't turn to God to motivate me to stay sober, but to guide me to become a better person, so that permanent sobriety is an inevitable byproduct of that process. In other words, he's not the reason I became a drunk, therefore it isn't his responsibility to keep me sober. He wants me to become a stronger individual so that I can stop the problem I caused myself. In other words, he's teaching me self-reliance.
Confused yet? I am! Really, though, it may be splitting hairs somewhat but I do see a difference between that and AA. I also do not accept that addiction is a disease. It is 100% self-willed. If it is a disease, then it's a disease of volition.
As to the one question I was asked by bbthumper, I have attended AA from time to time, but have philosophical differences with much of their message. I don't turn to God to motivate me to stay sober, but to guide me to become a better person, so that permanent sobriety is an inevitable byproduct of that process. In other words, he's not the reason I became a drunk, therefore it isn't his responsibility to keep me sober. He wants me to become a stronger individual so that I can stop the problem I caused myself. In other words, he's teaching me self-reliance.
Confused yet? I am! Really, though, it may be splitting hairs somewhat but I do see a difference between that and AA. I also do not accept that addiction is a disease. It is 100% self-willed. If it is a disease, then it's a disease of volition.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
Hello GetMeOut,
Welcome and well done to you on your week, that's brilliant. I very much relate to your story and your philosophies/logic (although, I'm not sure how much logic I have retained after pickling my brain for so long
)
I hope we can all work through this together....try and make some sense out of all of this!! I have to believe it will all come good
Peace and light x
Welcome and well done to you on your week, that's brilliant. I very much relate to your story and your philosophies/logic (although, I'm not sure how much logic I have retained after pickling my brain for so long
)I hope we can all work through this together....try and make some sense out of all of this!! I have to believe it will all come good
Peace and light x
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Welcome!
I am not an AA person, but I agree that I needed to stop the problem. I do believe that alcoholism is a disease. The American Medical Association (AMA) had declared that alcoholism was an illness in 1956. In 1991, The AMA further endorsed the dual classification of alcoholism by the International Classification of Diseases under both psychiatric and medical sections. I don't believe it's a character defect.
Having said that, I absolutely needed to re-connect with my spiritual self and to feel the power of the Universe in my life.
I am not an AA person, but I agree that I needed to stop the problem. I do believe that alcoholism is a disease. The American Medical Association (AMA) had declared that alcoholism was an illness in 1956. In 1991, The AMA further endorsed the dual classification of alcoholism by the International Classification of Diseases under both psychiatric and medical sections. I don't believe it's a character defect.
Having said that, I absolutely needed to re-connect with my spiritual self and to feel the power of the Universe in my life.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Thanks to all for the additional responses. We all have the same destination, but take different paths to get there. As my mother used to say, "All roads lead home." It may take you through China first but you'll get there eventually if you don't die first. 
One thing I have to be careful of in coming here, is that I've been a member of similar sites when I quit drinking in the past and kinda transferred my addiction to alcohol to an addiction to the sites. I would find myself genuinely disappointed if I didn't get responses, or when people seemed to get bored with me when I was successful at staying sober. So, one way I plan to deal with that is to only visit once or twice/week. I tend to become obsessed, and if one obsession disappoints me, well, I turn to the other one.
One thing I have to be careful of in coming here, is that I've been a member of similar sites when I quit drinking in the past and kinda transferred my addiction to alcohol to an addiction to the sites. I would find myself genuinely disappointed if I didn't get responses, or when people seemed to get bored with me when I was successful at staying sober. So, one way I plan to deal with that is to only visit once or twice/week. I tend to become obsessed, and if one obsession disappoints me, well, I turn to the other one.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
I think, now that the ice is broken somewhat, I'll delve a bit more into my history with alcohol.
The first time I really felt the effects of alcohol was when I was 17. It felt odd, alien, but nice. I was always very shy and withdrawn, to the point of practically being a social cripple. My father was mentally and physically abusive so that forced me even deeper into my shell. What I noticed with alcohol was that that shell would burst open. I felt happy, free, confident, invincible. I would talk to girls I had never seen before and be totally natural with it. I felt liberated.
Between that era and my early 20's, alcohol was just something that accompanied various events....parties, weekends at the clubs, beach trips, etc. I was fairly indifferent to it. I could take it or leave it. It was when I was around 22 that things began to shift and alcohol became the event. I was coming to the end of a relationship that had gone stale. I felt dissatisfied, like I was wasting my time and my life. So, in the interest of making more constructive use of my time, I started drinking alone.
At first it was only on the weekends. Then the weekends started extending into Mondays. Then they started beginning on Thursday nights. Within a short amount of time, I was drinking indiscriminately most nights. I was strictly a beer drinker during that time.
Several years later, I moved to CA (I'm a NC native). I lived there just over 2 years. The drinking continued but was about the same as before. It was after I moved back that it escalated to an every night thing.
Now, I should give some insight into my drinking habits. I despise being drunk, so I only drank to maintain the buzz, that plateau where I could still function but have my head in the clouds at the same time. Being hammered is just not a pleasant feeling for me. Totally miserable. I've never gotten a DUI, never had blackouts, never woke up somewhere and didn't know where I was or how I got there, never even barfed from drinking. None of that. Unfortunately, I remember everything I did and said even though, by now, I usually consume up to a 5th of vodka every day and stretch it over a 24 hour period.
About a year after moving back to NC, I met the woman I eventually married. We drank all throughout the dating process - I more than she - and that continued into our marriage. I was gradually incorporating liquor into the mix, not because I liked it, but because it was more convenient - less volume to achieve the desired effect, easier disposal, and easier to hide.
My wife at the time then got pregnant. She laid down the edict that there would be no alcohol in the house once the baby was born. (I should add here that by this time, she had caught me hiding alcohol or found empty bottles several times.) I quit during most of her pregnancy but started again in the last month of it. I was almost exclusively drinking liquor by this time.
Around the time my first child was 16 months old, my wife found my hidden bottle of gin. She told me if I drank again she would take our child and leave me. That scared me straight for 2 years. Yep, that's right...Seems almost impossible to me now that I once went for 2 years without a drink! In the interim, we had a second child.
That winning streak ended when I changed jobs after 5 years with the current job. I was terrified. I felt completely useless, like I had no idea what I was doing and wished I hadn't left my old job. I caved under the stress and went back to what I knew...booze. Even though I performed well on the new job - getting regular raises, bonuses, and promotions - the 5 years I was there were probably the most miserable, hopeless years of my life. My marriage was crumbling around me, too. BTW, I got much better at hiding the booze. My ex wife never caught me again.
Things went from bad to worse and we separated. During the time we were separated, I met the woman I just recently broke up with after 3 years together. The same pattern had continued...drinking, hiding it, lying, deception. Although I did do something totally different with her. I voluntarily admitted my problem to her. I told her my drinking habits, my hiding places, all the behaviors to look for. I thought that would keep me sober and it did for about 6 months.
Her biggest frustration was that she couldn't tell when I had been drinking. I stuck with vodka, chased with large quantities of water. She felt like a complete fool because the only way she could find out what I was doing was to catch me in the act, and she did catch me. Three times. The third time was the last. After the 2nd time, I even bought a breathalyzer for her so whenever she was suspicious, she could get that thing out. I grew to despise it and was so pissed at myself for buying it. "How am I gonna get a drink now?!" After the breakup I broke that thing up with a hammer!
Nevertheless, not to be outdone, I found a way to get around the breathalyzer. I patterned my drinking around the times she was most likely to test me. It meant I didn't drink as much and spread it out much more, but I was still hiding, lying, and deceiving. When I was least expecting it, she searched my laptop bag. "What's this?" "It's what you think it is." Instantly, the relationship was over.
So **drawing a long breath** that's the condensed version of my story. There is much more to tell, but I don't wanna bore anyone.
The first time I really felt the effects of alcohol was when I was 17. It felt odd, alien, but nice. I was always very shy and withdrawn, to the point of practically being a social cripple. My father was mentally and physically abusive so that forced me even deeper into my shell. What I noticed with alcohol was that that shell would burst open. I felt happy, free, confident, invincible. I would talk to girls I had never seen before and be totally natural with it. I felt liberated.
Between that era and my early 20's, alcohol was just something that accompanied various events....parties, weekends at the clubs, beach trips, etc. I was fairly indifferent to it. I could take it or leave it. It was when I was around 22 that things began to shift and alcohol became the event. I was coming to the end of a relationship that had gone stale. I felt dissatisfied, like I was wasting my time and my life. So, in the interest of making more constructive use of my time, I started drinking alone.
At first it was only on the weekends. Then the weekends started extending into Mondays. Then they started beginning on Thursday nights. Within a short amount of time, I was drinking indiscriminately most nights. I was strictly a beer drinker during that time.
Several years later, I moved to CA (I'm a NC native). I lived there just over 2 years. The drinking continued but was about the same as before. It was after I moved back that it escalated to an every night thing.
Now, I should give some insight into my drinking habits. I despise being drunk, so I only drank to maintain the buzz, that plateau where I could still function but have my head in the clouds at the same time. Being hammered is just not a pleasant feeling for me. Totally miserable. I've never gotten a DUI, never had blackouts, never woke up somewhere and didn't know where I was or how I got there, never even barfed from drinking. None of that. Unfortunately, I remember everything I did and said even though, by now, I usually consume up to a 5th of vodka every day and stretch it over a 24 hour period.
About a year after moving back to NC, I met the woman I eventually married. We drank all throughout the dating process - I more than she - and that continued into our marriage. I was gradually incorporating liquor into the mix, not because I liked it, but because it was more convenient - less volume to achieve the desired effect, easier disposal, and easier to hide.
My wife at the time then got pregnant. She laid down the edict that there would be no alcohol in the house once the baby was born. (I should add here that by this time, she had caught me hiding alcohol or found empty bottles several times.) I quit during most of her pregnancy but started again in the last month of it. I was almost exclusively drinking liquor by this time.
Around the time my first child was 16 months old, my wife found my hidden bottle of gin. She told me if I drank again she would take our child and leave me. That scared me straight for 2 years. Yep, that's right...Seems almost impossible to me now that I once went for 2 years without a drink! In the interim, we had a second child.
That winning streak ended when I changed jobs after 5 years with the current job. I was terrified. I felt completely useless, like I had no idea what I was doing and wished I hadn't left my old job. I caved under the stress and went back to what I knew...booze. Even though I performed well on the new job - getting regular raises, bonuses, and promotions - the 5 years I was there were probably the most miserable, hopeless years of my life. My marriage was crumbling around me, too. BTW, I got much better at hiding the booze. My ex wife never caught me again.
Things went from bad to worse and we separated. During the time we were separated, I met the woman I just recently broke up with after 3 years together. The same pattern had continued...drinking, hiding it, lying, deception. Although I did do something totally different with her. I voluntarily admitted my problem to her. I told her my drinking habits, my hiding places, all the behaviors to look for. I thought that would keep me sober and it did for about 6 months.
Her biggest frustration was that she couldn't tell when I had been drinking. I stuck with vodka, chased with large quantities of water. She felt like a complete fool because the only way she could find out what I was doing was to catch me in the act, and she did catch me. Three times. The third time was the last. After the 2nd time, I even bought a breathalyzer for her so whenever she was suspicious, she could get that thing out. I grew to despise it and was so pissed at myself for buying it. "How am I gonna get a drink now?!" After the breakup I broke that thing up with a hammer!
Nevertheless, not to be outdone, I found a way to get around the breathalyzer. I patterned my drinking around the times she was most likely to test me. It meant I didn't drink as much and spread it out much more, but I was still hiding, lying, and deceiving. When I was least expecting it, she searched my laptop bag. "What's this?" "It's what you think it is." Instantly, the relationship was over.
So **drawing a long breath** that's the condensed version of my story. There is much more to tell, but I don't wanna bore anyone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
And now it's time to start building yourself back up. This time with the right foundations. For the right reasons. And that is you.
I haven't tried wholeheartedly before because I was doing it for someone else. I resented my daughter because she got in the way of valuable drinking time (I used to drink alone in the end) ..... I felt she'd clipped my wings. I left my ex because I wanted to drink without the guilt trips. I defended alcohol and put it above everything and everyone. But I was locked in a hell. Rather than ruin my life, she probably saved me on numerous occasions tbh. And she is so wonderful. But this time I'm doing it for me. I just know it's not going to end up anywhere but a horrible, tragic mess if I continue. I'm still searching spiritually to make sense of life, my purpose, direction. It all seems so fragile.
Oooh look, I've hijacked your post and I'm talking about 'me' again. Sorry!!
You WILL do this GetMeOut...you have the strength...you will get yourself out of this pickle. And we'll all help each other x
I haven't tried wholeheartedly before because I was doing it for someone else. I resented my daughter because she got in the way of valuable drinking time (I used to drink alone in the end) ..... I felt she'd clipped my wings. I left my ex because I wanted to drink without the guilt trips. I defended alcohol and put it above everything and everyone. But I was locked in a hell. Rather than ruin my life, she probably saved me on numerous occasions tbh. And she is so wonderful. But this time I'm doing it for me. I just know it's not going to end up anywhere but a horrible, tragic mess if I continue. I'm still searching spiritually to make sense of life, my purpose, direction. It all seems so fragile.
Oooh look, I've hijacked your post and I'm talking about 'me' again. Sorry!!
You WILL do this GetMeOut...you have the strength...you will get yourself out of this pickle. And we'll all help each other
x
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Oh, don't worry about hijacking, KitKat. I like hearing how people can relate to each others stories. It's why I came back here in the first place. So I won't feel so alone with it. It's amazing the similarities between people's experiences, and it's something I believe only alcoholics can understand.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
I said before that I probably wouldn't come here but maybe a couple times a week but, since this is my first week, I feel the need to show up a bit more often. Today is day 10. I don't feel tempted...much. Once in a while, I just get a flash of temptation. Then it passes just as quickly. That voice reminds me I am alone and there is no one to hide the drinking from anymore, so what's stopping me? Of course, I know what's stopping me. I don't have to be around other people to be absolutely miserable and want to die.
That's one detail I left out of my story. During the last 5 years of my marriage, I was suicidal. I had a handgun that I put to my head frequently. I eventually tossed it in a lake so I wouldn't accidentally put too much pressure on that trigger one day. See, I didn't really want to die after all.
All in all, I am doing well. Feeling healthier and sleeping better. I deal with loneliness since my relationship ended, but I find things to occupy my time, even if it's just chilling out and watching a movie. Coming here helps, too. Glad I came back.
That's one detail I left out of my story. During the last 5 years of my marriage, I was suicidal. I had a handgun that I put to my head frequently. I eventually tossed it in a lake so I wouldn't accidentally put too much pressure on that trigger one day. See, I didn't really want to die after all.
All in all, I am doing well. Feeling healthier and sleeping better. I deal with loneliness since my relationship ended, but I find things to occupy my time, even if it's just chilling out and watching a movie. Coming here helps, too. Glad I came back.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Day 11. I won't give a day by day account for much longer. Just approaching the 2 week point and feeling excited about it. There is one thing I did when I quit 11 days ago that probably isn't wise but not too late to correct, if need be. See, even after countless failed attempts to moderate, I still have it in my head that I could successfully train myself to do so. I already know what most people here would say about this.
My tendency in the past, whenever I quit, was to discard any remaining alcohol I had in the house, but that never stopped me from eventually rebelling against myself and going out to buy more. This time, I had 4 beers remaining and just before dumping them, I stopped myself. I decided to take things more slowly, think it through. I put the beers away, out of my sight, high up in the cupboard. I told myself that maybe after a substantial period of sobriety, I could attempt having just one with dinner. I know most, if not all, of you would say that's a terrible idea given my history and maybe it is. I'm not 100% committed to it and may decide to dump them after all. Either way, I've made it 11 days barely even thinking about them.
Beer wasn't my poison of choice anyway. Not like it was in the beginning. If I had a bottle of vodka in the house, chances are higher I would have failed already by now, but I've grown kind of indifferent to beer. It's practically become like water to me and takes so much to achieve the desired effect.
Aside from all that, things are well. I'm spending T'Giving with my 2 kids and about to prepare our feast.
My tendency in the past, whenever I quit, was to discard any remaining alcohol I had in the house, but that never stopped me from eventually rebelling against myself and going out to buy more. This time, I had 4 beers remaining and just before dumping them, I stopped myself. I decided to take things more slowly, think it through. I put the beers away, out of my sight, high up in the cupboard. I told myself that maybe after a substantial period of sobriety, I could attempt having just one with dinner. I know most, if not all, of you would say that's a terrible idea given my history and maybe it is. I'm not 100% committed to it and may decide to dump them after all. Either way, I've made it 11 days barely even thinking about them.
Beer wasn't my poison of choice anyway. Not like it was in the beginning. If I had a bottle of vodka in the house, chances are higher I would have failed already by now, but I've grown kind of indifferent to beer. It's practically become like water to me and takes so much to achieve the desired effect.
Aside from all that, things are well. I'm spending T'Giving with my 2 kids and about to prepare our feast.
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