jstar

alright ...getting back up & on with life!

last week was horrible the week before last on Thursday ...i had a bad moment & gave myself permission to buy vodka and drink it - throwing away 100+ days of sobriety . worst mistake I've ever made! I blacked out during/just after my first glass...while i was blacked out I apparently swallowed a handful of xanax and my husband had to take me to the ER. I had fallen several times in my house, had extremely low blood pressure, had a seizure and almost died...friggin the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.

i'm back on track at 8 days sober today.

I have a disease called alcoholism. it wants me dead. it tells me that I can have a drink...that is a lie! pouring that first drink the other night ALMOST killed me.

one day at a time I will fight this. I want my sobriety ....it is so important! now I will give myself permission to NOT drink! it is okay and perfectly acceptable to not be trashed!!!! I have to realize that I am allergic to alcohol and it will kill me.I have so much to be grateful for in my life, I want to live!

thanks to SR for all the support!

Impurrfect

((jstar)) - Welcome back and congratulations on 8 days! Wow, I'm glad you survived this ordeal. You're right, our addictions want us dead. Good thing we don't have to let them kill us.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

SkylerTime

Welcome Back!

Sazzle

Welcome back jstar. I'm also really glad you survived. Your post made me realise we are so vulnerable if we take our eye off the ball for just a split second.

I too am alergic to alcohol and I have a disease called alcoholism. Thank you for reminding me to be more aware of that sentence.

Love to you

S x

Sapling

Welcome back jstar....I'm glad you are OKAY and back at it. I'm curious if you will be continuing with AA?

hypochondriac

So sorry to hear what you went through Jstar x What happened? You were doing so well last time we heard from you. Can you think why you decided to drink? Maybe identifying it will help prevent it from happening again x

Dee74

I'm sorry you had to go through that jstar but I'm really glad you're back

D

Zebra1275

Welcome Back!

Pondlady

So glad you are ok. Be good to yourself

MrsKing

I'm really sorry to hear that jstar. I'm just glad you are OK. Please look after yourself.

Wishing you all the best.

You can do this

Fandy

sometimes we can be our own worst enemy....TG you got to the hospital in time. i hope that you might consider some one to one therapy with a professional as to why you would want to take a handful of xanax and wash it down with vodka....as you know that cam be a lethal mix.

welcome back and stay close

lilgolden73

Oh my, glad you survived!!! Congrats on day 8, it sounds like you had your wake up call, good luck and keep us updated! Keep coming back here and you will have plenty of support!

phoebe64

Wow, glad you made it back. Are you in the November group? I started back there 5 days ago. There is lots of great and supportive people there.

Tippingpoint

Sobering account of what can happen...

Glad you're okay.

IndaMiricale

I have that same disease

And without remembering that 1st step, I have no use to use the other 11.

Glad your okay. Lessons are sometimes exactly what we need.

Hevyn

That's frightening, jstar. I'm so glad you are back and more determined than ever.

Runningman50

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's so easy to let your guard down a moment and walk into buy that bottle thinking we can control it. It makes me angry at alcohol. Alcohol is the enemy and we need to defeat it. Many times in my life I have made that awful decision also. Just remember that there are people who love you and are in the background praying and rooting for you. Get mad at it and keep trying....

jstar

yes! still going to AA! I love AA and i'm trying to reach out & meet more people like me, alcoholic. I had to really step back and look at my program for my recovery....I had "thought " everything was going so great, but I was only really being accountable to myself. that means for me, that I was still doing meetings, therapy and outpatient when I relapsed, but I failed to notice that I had stopped writing in my journal about a month before I relapsed, I had been txting my sponsor more often than calling her & I was slowly putting more & more things before me that I weighed higher/more important than my sobriety...without really realizing it!

sobriety has to be FIRST. it has to be before everything for me except God.
1. God
2 . my sobriety
3. my family
4. everything else!

xoxo SR peeps!

jstar

that is exactly what my husband told me! it took me over a week to start feeling somewhat "normal" physically the anxiety has been ridiculous since I had been taking the xanax (as prescribed...except for that one horrible night) since January. the detox/withdrawal from that over the past week+ has been horrible.

I do have a renewed fire within me now though to keep pushing on & fight for my life. to drink is to die....I never really understood that until now.

I have gained this amazing motivation for life & desire to kick this alcoholism in the butt! I have no desire to drink today, nor have I wanted a drink for the past 9 days. I want my life, my husband, my children ...I almost lost all. I am so very grateful that my God had other plans for me than death!

jstar

what happened... well I think i took my eyes off my program (more or less). I was still going through the motions...meetings, therapy etc..but I was failing to actually dig in deep & take full responsibility for my sobriety by putting it in God's hands. I though everything was going great. I had had an awesome 100+ days and my life was starting to get better! things around me were changing, for the better & I guess looking back, I can see I had been somewhat complacent without realizing it. this is why calling (not txting) my sponsor every day is important! I need someone else to help guide me as my best thoughts, actions and motives got me to nowhere. my thinking is alcoholic, selfish & self centered. I am re-looking at my relapse prevention plan I wrote out in rehab. I need to post that sucker on my bathroom mirror or something & be held accountable for my action/inaction by another human being. someone who thinks more clearly than I do! reading through that sheet of paper...looking back now, there were so many things/red flags/warning signs of my relapse, I just wish I had thought of sharing that information before I relapsed but that is in the past now! I can only move forward from here, and that is what I am doing.