Wavering
 

Have things ever gotten so bad that you can no longer use the typical recovery tag lines to stop yourself from drinking? This is not about having one drink and trying sobriety again. I mean just let alcohol have its way with your life because you have no more will to fight?

This is seriously not meant to be melodrama or a "poor me" post. I am really just thinking about how I can stay sober now that things have gotten SO bad for me that I'm having a hard time wanting sobriety more than relief.

Not staying sober will make things worse. I know it does not feel like that right now. You have my support. Hang in there, stay sober and you will see better days.

The biggest lie we can tell ourselves is that drinking brings relief.
It doesnt.

The second biggest lie is that one more drink/night/week/month won't hurt.
It can, it does and it will.

Parson the imagery but it's fitting:

That big stinky cess pit we build and find ourselves in the middle of as alcoholics?
Every drink is another load of crap, dogmamma.

The only way out of that is change....to face live sober - it's hard, it's tough and sometimes it really sucks....but there are no answers back the way we've come.

This is a light at the end of the tunnel tho, if we keep moving forward - trust me on that....and you're not alone...there's a ton of support here and in other places too.

Stay strong
D

Sometimes I know things can seem hopeless. What I do sometime is think of someone deeper then me in trouble. A child with terminal cancer has hopes, even facing death. We can all learn from that?

Sorry to read your pain Dogmama. You've written so many things that have helped and encouraged me.

Have you read back over some old threads of yours? My brain is tricking me into forgetting all the suffering I went through.

I read here something that stuck with me: I forget why I'm not drinking but I carry on and eventually remember why! I loved that.

This too shall pass

S x

If drinking would make circumstances and you feel better then it would be a great idea but the reality is that it just gets worse. Think the drink/drunk to the end.

Love
CaiHong

I got into that sort of thinking last year dog, I couldn't care less to be honest.
I think you gotta really want it. That comes from you, not AA not sr not any great words just you saying no. Then aa sr and the watever other recovery tool come into play.
Peace.

Yup. It is really disconcerting feeling like that. But it does pass. I had moments where all the tools didn't seem to help. I decided to wait it out and see what happened. Don't let those bleak moments rob you of your sobriety. If you focus in on it it will get worse, but if you distract yourself and just not drink, then it will pass and things will get better x

Like miko said, I believe that really wanting it is key. Like wanting it more than ANYTHING else. My most recent and last relapse was enough to scare the ever living C@ap out of me. I finally saw how much I have to lose and don't want to live tortured anymore. I also think that if you have tried life drunk for awhile why not try it sober? If you want to go back you can...but my guess is that we probably wouldn't want to. Hang in there ((hugs))

In my experience, and I have gotten to a place where I saw no point in maintaining sobriety (and sometimes didn't) I have learned that the tag lines don't keep me sober. Internalizing the tag lines, accepting them and making them a part of me, keeps me sober.

I said "I'm not going to drink again" many times, but had not internalized it. I used it like a magic spell, hoping that repeating it was going to keep me sober. And I got angry and wanted to say phooey to sobriety when saying the "right" things didn't work.

It wasn't until I truly got inside myself and totally accepted that drinking and drugging didn't work, and that I was living a life I didn't want...that I truly owned those tag lines to be reality in my life. No more magic spell, no more crossed fingers and hopeful wishes.

I have experienced getting and staying sober much like one experiences the death of someone close to them. All those same stages of grief.

Life got to the point where it all seemed hopeless and pointless and too painful. I lost so many things and people I loved and security, and nearly everything by which I identified myself. But still, inside I didn't want to identify myself as a dying alcoholic. I realized that those tag lines are about me. I read and read and read posts here and borrowed the hope of others, and allowed myself to believe that their experiences were true.

I had to internalize them, accept them on a deeper level that I had before, rock myself to sleep with them.

Thank you so much for saying this. It means a lot to know I've helped and it helps me to remember why I am here.

xo

Thank you for sharing this. This was me last night. The only thing that stopped me last night was imagining the alternative: take all the money I have left, buy booze and hotel room and drink and until I died. I imagined my family, friends and, (God help me) daughter when they heard of my disgraceful death. I was too much of a coward to leave them with that.

I prayed a lot last night and while I don't feel good by any means, I am still here and a little more of my fight and resolve returned.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING MY LIFELINE. I still find it incredible how a stranger you've never met can save your life on SR.

xo

Dogmamma, I went through a very similar thing and I still remember how miserable it felt. The good news is that it was a turning point for me. I realized that I could give up and cause my husband and children to lose their wife and mother and thankfully I was able to step back for a second and see that my thinking was so selfish. In fact, being selfish was at the route of my alcoholism. This was an Aha moment for me, and I made a choice to live and to be the best person I could be.

You are not going to let this disease get the best of you. :)

It's all been said already, dogmamma - but I want you to know I'm sorry for what you're going through right now. As the others said, nothing is made better by drinking. It only seems like an answer. It isn't our friend - it doesn't comfort us - it just adds to the misery we're feeling. I'm glad you've realized that.

That is a difficult one dogmamma, as I've known that state of mind very well. No slogan, saying, or tag line, has ever stopped me drinking. I'm learning to not identify myself with those feelings quite as much as I have in the past.

All I can offer is that the further away from alcohol I get the more I can put my problems in perspective and can see possible avenues of restoration of my life. I'm a pessimist by nature but even so, I have to put some stock in the fact that so many people say that it does get better in time. I am no longer quite so self centred that I dismiss others peoples experience of an improved life through sobriety because I'm so different, unique and special. It's not that they are better than me, smarter, luckier, whatever but that they actually gave themselves a chance to heal.

Even though I don't believe in a god or higher power, or expect outside redemption from alcohol, just letting my body and mind get a break from the poison I've poured into them has produced positive results. 14 months ago I had spent time in jail and when I got out was sleeping in the park. This is after owning a house in a desirable part of the city. I had a good job etc. etc. I no longer compare myself to that person. I also don't identify with the person who spent the last of his savings on lawyers, spent time in jail, and slept outside. I'm totally different and my values are different. I am by no means thrilled with my life now and I go through deep depressive phases, but its a heck of a lot better than it was a year ago and I'm willing to suspend belief that it won't be even better next year.

I'm rambling here and don't know if it makes sense but you struck a nerve with me and I sincerely hope you let yourself get back to being who you can be.

man reading all these posts are just amazing i agree with them all, dogmamma i just want to say well done for sticking it out you have truly helped me also, i truly know what it feels like also, has have walk in those very footsteps, man that urge is just so strong it takes all your might to resist.
thanx heeps
"the past is in a different country they do things differently there"

For me what made the difference was finding people I could be honest with about how hard things were. I got in touch with old friends and went into therapy. I wrote here and on other sites.

You have already started the process by admitting that you are having a hard time. That is big. Repeating nice tag lines does not do it--but saying you have a problem does, and you have done that.

You all helped me go from contemplating drinking myself to death yesterday at this time yesterday to going for a run. Running was one of the things I missed most while drinking. I prayed. God gave you all to inspire me. I appreciate it so. Day 6 almost complete and I'm so glad I stopped drinking for the first time in the past 6 days. Almost miraculous.

I haven't got alot of sober time to be telling you this or that. But im proud of you. Well done.
Peace